DP's ex has told him she has cancer.

[LuminousLaces]

Been with DP for around a year now, he split with his ex about a year before we met. She's had issues letting go, and has made things quite difficult for us. That said, I wish her no ill, and have met her at events a few times, as we work in the same sort of business. She doesn't know we're a couple.

A few weeks ago she told him that she been to the doctor, told she had cancer and that she needed chemo. This week she has told him the three sessions of chemo haven't done anything, that its too far gone for surgery and that she is now terminal.

DP is understandably upset - they were together for a long time, and as much as he is happier not being with her, he still cares about her. He's going to see her tomorrow night to find out exactly what is going on.

I don't really know what to say to him. I don't know how to be there for him without appearing to be interfering, because I don't know her very well, and don't want to appear like I'm suspicious or anything when I ask how she is.

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions as to how to deal with this?

Thanks.

(Have namechanged, by the way, as am quite identifiable from my normal screen name, and want to preserve both of their privacy.)

Hello OP, to echo what some of the other posters have said, I think your DP is sending his ex very mixed messages, knowing that she still wants him back. Travelling for an hour to be a shoulder to cry on for someone you know wants you back isn't really helping them understand that the relationship is truly over - it's just prolonging the agony of uncertainty. I know you are keeping quiet out of a desire not to hurt his or her feelings, but I think that the sooner these very important issues (including your health) are out in the open, the better for everyone. Why should your feelings be put on the back burner so as not to upset someone he finished with years ago? By the way, if I remember correctly, the "chinny reckon" business all goes back to Jimmy Hill, the long-chinned, bearded football pundit of a few years ago. We also used to stand around stroking our stuck-out chins going "Mmmm, chinnnnnnnny!" Good luck, OP.

There was a thread on here a while back that revealed many people had lied about having cancer. I was that anyone could even contemplate it but there were several posters who said they'd known someone do it in a power play.

So saying that - it sounded very suspicious to me. My DM had breast cancer (thankfully not terminal) - she was put on, what I'll call, menopause pills immediately, given a lumpectomy in which they also removed her armpit lymph glands (standard response, I believe). Histological (?) analysis of the lymph glands showed no spread outside her breast. She was given radiation as a follow up but it responded very well to the drugs.

This was a 'grade 1' (out of 5) cancer - and she had a fair bit of prodding for it. I am surprised they would say she was terminal having not operated and finding out whether it had spread. Perhaps someone who's expert in oncology will come on to verify if what I've described happens in all cases, or if you could proceed to chemotherapy with no investigation and based on the mammogram alone. I've never heard of a breast cancer patient that hadn't been operated on either as a lumpectomy or whatever it is called when they whip the whole breast off.

'It is really creepy, unhealthy and just plain wrong to keep it a secret to pander to someone else's emotional dysfunction.

Sorry, but I don't think your partner is quite the knight in shining armour that you describe.'

This.

And honestly, I don't believe the cancer situation at all. My daughter recently died of acute myeloid leukaemia, she lived for nearly 8 months after diagnosis and we came to know, sadly, several other children who had forms of cancer (usually brain) that were terminal and they still tried chemo on these children and operations when possible (about the only ones I can think of who knew their children were terminal in that time frame were the DIPG patients, a form of brain cancer).

Our child did not have chemo in a day unit or as an outpatient and even when she was at home, which was rarely, our home looked like a chemist. Poeple who've had chemo, even if it doesn't work, often need many drugs to control side effects that can come from even after the course has finished.

FWIW, our child didn't lose her hair completely till after her 4th round, but she lost most of it about a week after the 1st round.

YY, Eugene, it's stunning how many lie about having cancer .

No idea whether she is telling the truth

BUT RE Macmillan nurses.

some people with cancer want nothing to do with them. Please would you all remember that when someone you know has cancer.

OP you sound lovely and perfectly able to handle the situation with sensitivity

The thing is, even if the ex turns out to be telling lies about her health, would this be enough for him to cut all ties with her? Or will it be a case of "Poor ex. She must have some real mental health issues to even think of such a thing. She needs me now more than ever."

And if he does cut all contact with her, what does it tell you? It tells you that he only decided to take action because of how he personally was affected, and not because he was putting you first.

This whole business is all very much about him. He likes the role of faithful DP, doing his best to battle against the evil sway of the ex. He also likes being the reluctant hero who has to swoop in to make the ex feel better, no matter what the effect on his own partner.

I would tread very carefully here, OP.

I'm disgusted to hear that this is almost familiar ground. Some people are so twisted.

Expat, I hope this thread hasn't been painful for you, and I'm sorry if it has.

Olgaga I wondered that too.

to Zombie and Gigondas

I think if it came out she was lying, he would be beyond furious, and yes, would cut all ties with her.

If you all work together-how is it possible that she doesn´t know you are together?

And yes, mutual friends have confirmed her talking about it, and him. She also told me the last time I saw her that she had a lump in her breast, and was wondering whether she should go to the doctors.

I think what's wrong with him is that he doesn't want to upset or hurt anyone. He wants to keep everyone happy, and be there for everyone. It really is his downfall. He takes on too much work wise for the same reason; he doesn't like saying no, unless he absolutely has to.

I'm very secure in the relationship, just not with myself. So my reaction and concern with how he might react if I mentioned anything to him is a very selfish one. I'm working on it. He knows me very well, however, and wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't already worked out at least part of what's going on in my head - he normally has, before I even say a word.

He's on his way over now. Will see how things go.

He´s not keeping everyone happy though!

You´re not happy & he´s not happy when he´s seen her!

I think because she was always super jealous, possessive and suspicious of him (as is her nature), I'm always concerned of coming over in the same way.

Yep Narcs are very good at making the DP feel like they are going mad...where's GB/Springy to add to this!

Its possible that the lump has been removed, but she decided to elaborate.

I too feel she is not being truthful, however only time will tell.

I hope your tests come back showing you are going to be okay and not subject to medical procedures yourself.

I suppose it's possible the ex could have had prior appointments/screening and gone through those early diagnostic stages without telling anyone, just hoping for the best - especially if she has a teenage daughter.

Clutching at straws now to make up for my earlier cynicism...

Luminous, you say "She also told me the last time I saw her that she had a lump in her breast, and was wondering whether she should go to the doctors."

When exactly was the last time you saw her? I'm just trying to get a better idea of the timeline she's been feeding you.

If an ex told me that that they had cancer (terminal or not) and wanted to see me, I would definitely pay them a few visits. However, I'd insist that my first visit coincide with one of their appointments so that I could talk to their doctor. I would want confirmation from health professionals around them. I would not meet up for coffee with them indefinitely just based on what they were telling me.

Leaving the cancer to one side for a moment, what the HELL is this woman doing having such a presence in your life and relationship?

You both sound nice people, kind and caring, but come on. She's an adult, their relationship is over (isn't it???) so therefore she should play no part in your life at all, other than a colleague might.

Are you sure they've split up?

Maybe I am being ridiculously cynical, but "she would kill herself if she found out about you". Really?

My ex liked his ex 'needing' him I think. He encouraged it. It stroked his ego to think that he was so wonderful someone couldn't cope without him and might kill herself over him.

I hope OP's partner isn't like my ex but just going on what she's said about this particular situation there's a lot I recognise in terms of the setup. My ex's ex (so clunky, sorry), said she was dying too.

If you know her well enough that she'd tell you about a lump in her breast and that she's considering going to the doctor about it, then you know her pretty well actually.

So I really can't get my head around why you yourself wouldn't tell her about your relationship. There must have been opportunities to do so.

How exactly did it come about that the ex hasn't been told of your relationship? Did your DP expressly ask you/tell you not to tell her?

If an ex told me they had cancer and wanted me to visit, I would probably bring DH.

Can I just apologise for not reading all before I posted... I have done now out of curiosity and... darn I've forgotten the name already, anyway that other poster who worked in this area already said a lot of the points I was making.

Sorry to all posting that have been affected by cancer

Whonicked I was just thinking the same thing about the ex telling LL about the lump. I'd suggest that seeing as she's told you about the lump and thinking about getting it checked out then it wouldn't be inappropriate for you to visit along with your DP.

Was it out of character for her to tell you about the lump?

If you are close enough for that to be a natural extension of conversation, you are close enough to visit with her.

If you aren't, I'd bet a lot on that she is aware, or at least suspects, that you and DP are together.