DP's ex has told him she has cancer.

[LuminousLaces]

Been with DP for around a year now, he split with his ex about a year before we met. She's had issues letting go, and has made things quite difficult for us. That said, I wish her no ill, and have met her at events a few times, as we work in the same sort of business. She doesn't know we're a couple.

A few weeks ago she told him that she been to the doctor, told she had cancer and that she needed chemo. This week she has told him the three sessions of chemo haven't done anything, that its too far gone for surgery and that she is now terminal.

DP is understandably upset - they were together for a long time, and as much as he is happier not being with her, he still cares about her. He's going to see her tomorrow night to find out exactly what is going on.

I don't really know what to say to him. I don't know how to be there for him without appearing to be interfering, because I don't know her very well, and don't want to appear like I'm suspicious or anything when I ask how she is.

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions as to how to deal with this?

Thanks.

(Have namechanged, by the way, as am quite identifiable from my normal screen name, and want to preserve both of their privacy.)

Thank you all, really do appreciate everything you've said.

I can't go with him, mainly because I have DS, but also because we're not exactly friends; she just knows me as a close friend of his, we've met a few times and explained pleasantries, that's about it. It would look weird if I turned up. Even just in the context of friends, if I was having a crap time and called one of my friends, I'd be a bit put out if they turned up with another friend / their boyfriend. And she certainly wouldn't agree to me going.

He's not hard work, really he's not. He's fantastic, and has helped me become a better person in so many ways. Everyone comes with baggage, I certainly do, and she is just part of his. He is there for me, always, whenever, including midnight visits to A&E when my health has been shit, arranging to take longer lunch breaks to help me debrief after each of my therapy sessions whilst I'm doing a very intense course... He really is brilliant.

Like I say he is coming over tonight. I don't think he will have spoken to her today, but I might ask a few more questions, and depending on what he says, how him Zombies post. Or phrase it that I was concerned for her, so did a bit or research into ways for him / us to support her right now, and came across the time scale, and was concerned that maybe she might have got the wrong idea of what has been said to her? How would that sound?

And have never heard of "chinny beard" or "chinny reckon", am obviously too young but I think I might use them from now on!!

Got to agree with expat.

Are you sure about this man?

If she met your separate from him why did she mention she was his ex or gf.

Honestly if he is just tying to br nice he needs to stop. Its not helping her, you or him.

She may be part of his emotional history/memories etc, he may still care about her but since when did that translate as him continuingto play boyfriend role in her life? Particularly as he can't even admit that he is in a relationship with YOU.

This just isn't right. Up to you if you chose to tolerate it, but I wouldn't.

You could give it a try LL, is he likely to want to defend her against even the tiniest insinuation she is being manipulative. ( I know that my ex did this when I pointed out that his ex was probably not at death's door )

We met at events that are linked to all our works, he had warned me she would be there, and I was stood with him when she arrived. Once he's walked off she came over to say hello.

I agree its not helpful to any of us, but like I said in a previous post, I can't make him realise that, as pointing it out just makes me sound jealous.

MrsAB, I'm not sure. When I've pointed out that she is really quite nasty to him at times before (she will quite happily kick up a fuss about nothing, once spent two hours of a work related thing crying because they weren't together any more...) he says that she had a rough time in the past, and has a lot of issues now. But faced with written evidence that she might not be telling the exact truth, he may react differently.

I don't think it makes you sound jealous, it makes you sound like a reasonable and mentally healthy person.

And anyway, why shouldn't you be jealous? He is clearly still very emotionally enmeshed with her, to extent he keeps your relationship hidden. That's really sad. He should be very proud of fact he is with you and want everyone to know. If that upsets her, it is her problem, she hasn't been with him for about two years now?

Re: chinny reckon, at our school we'd eye the person talking bollocks, stroke our chins slowly and just mouth "mmmm, beard beard beard". I wish I knew where we got it from, it must be one of those things kids do all over the country, just like the way ALL young school classes greet their teacher in the morning with the same sing-song "good MORning MISSus [Surname]".

I'm also going to start using "beard beard beard" next time someone at work is talking crap

Do you not think, Spero? I think because she was always super jealous, possessive and suspicious of him (as is her nature), I'm always concerned of coming over in the same way.

And because of my own mental health condition, I am never sure if I am thinking rationally or having a bad "head" day. The fact you all seem to have had a reaction to what she's said reassures me that I am not simply paranoid at least.

I haven't read the whole thread but something similar happened to a good friend of mine.
Turned out his ex was lying. He'd thought she didn't know he had a new girlfriend (my friend) but actually, she'd found out and the cancer story started,

Just saying like...

She is highly insecure, to the point that when we first met at a works event (they had been split up 18 months by this point), she introduced herself to me as his girlfriend. Then gave a little laugh and said, "Well. Ex girlfriend, I suppose!".

And at this point you had been his girlfriend for 6 months, yes? So why didn't you put her straight? In fact, if you know her as well as you appear to, then there's no reason why you shouldn't tell her/drop into conversation, that you and he are a couple.

Out of interest, does anyone else know you're a couple?

Cancer or no cancer, one of you (preferably your DP) needs to tell her you are his girlfriend.

I actually think, now I've read your further posts, that he is behaving incredibly cruelly (not sure whether that's intentional or not), and yes, I'm afraid I think you're a bit of a doormat, sorry.

You have my complete sympathy, LL, I know what it's like, ex's ex even needed him to change some of the halogen bulbs as she 'could never manage it ' - looking back I should have told him straight rather than just expressed surprise. I have a fair bit of knowledge about cancer so should you want me to run my eye over anything she's claimed, then feel free to pm me.
( she's a fruitloop IMO )

I think you have lost sight of what is a normal and healthy response to this situation. Does your partner encourage you in this? Does he say you can't react to this situation because it makes you sound possessive and jealous??

It is normal and healthy for both people in a relationship to acknowledge that fact to each other and the world.

It is really creepy, unhealthy and just plain wrong to keep it a secret to pander to someone else's emotional dysfunction.

Sorry, but I don't think your partner is quite the knight in shining armour that you describe.

I don't think he intends to be cruel, quite the opposite, he's trying to stop her being hurt, but I do know what you mean.

I didn't put her straight because actually I was far too stunned to say anything! And by the time she'd corrected herself, she then spotted DP, and went to say hello to him.

Everyone else knows we're a couple, yes, no secrecy aside from with her.

If this were me, I would ask my DP why she wants him involved. Does she not have friends or family?

Regardless of this crazy situation, op, the main issue here is the fact that she doesn't know about you. You need to wise up here.

Thank you MrsAB :)

No no, not at all Spero. I suspect that's one of my own issues about being perceived as such. If I told him how uncomfortable it was making me, he would probably be upset to hear I'd worked myself up emotionally.

BUT if she is telling the truth, then I don't want to alienate him, and make him feel like he can't talk to me about what's going on, because he will obviously still be dealing with a lot emotionally.

I work in this area and although there are cancers which present very late and the person dies very quickly without having been able to have treatment, or only having a little bit of treatment, breast cancer isn't one of them. She might possibly have misunderstood and have breast cancer, not responded to her first treatment and be lined up for something different but her prognosis is still going to be much longer than I think you or your DP are thinking.

If your ex is going round he should be expecting so see someone very ill, who is very tired, possibly not eating much and probably losing their hair. She would likely also have a load of medication boxes and prescriptions lying around, contact details for the chemo unit, letters with appointments and marks on her arms where they gave her the chemo and have done blood tests. Oncologists almost always send their patients letters saying what treatment they have had so she should have these too.

If she doesn't have any of these, she is a nutjob. Sorry from the description so far, I'm very sceptical. Even my kindest thought is that she has cancer but has misunderstood what she has been told and is going to have some more treatment.

I wasn't aware that you could have three chemo sessions and all the rest of the diagnosis in just a few weeks.

Maybe she has got cancer and he has shortened the timeline ? Just another way of looking at it

If you find a situation upsetting, you ought to feel you can talk to him about it. Otherwise this will just fester and spoil your relationship down the line.

I appreciate now is not the best time for a relationship audit. But it will have to happen sometime. If she isn't terminal (and I don't think she is), give him a few weeks to get over the shock, be all supportive etc... But then I think you really have to sit down and Have A Chat about how he deals with this situation from now on.

Hmm, yes, beard, jimmy hill, chinny reckon etc.
She sounds v odd and his pandering to her is peculiar too.
I suppose all will be revealed tmrw night after the visit tho.

Kundry that's a really helpful insight, thank you. I might show that to DP as well (though maybe not the bottom bit!), so that he knows what to look for when he goes... And to be suspicious if he doesn't.

Know the time line is accurate because another friend of ours was having a lump in her breast checked out at the same time she said she was going to the GP because of a lump in hers. I remember him being upset because they were both going through that at the same time.

How long were they together?

I am worried about you.

Currently you are putting yourself, and allowing him to put you, second after her - this is not right, you are his GF she is his EX. Not telling her about you for a year is not right, not for either of you (women).

All the BS about 'suicide' is ridiculous, you don't deal with it like that, you get the person the help they need, you don't pretend things aren't as they are.

You don't own him, you are right but you should have boundaries/levels of acceptability within your relationship for your own needs and you don't seem to (so, you don't say 'you can't see her again' you say, 'if you choose to continue seeing her I will assume you are putting her feelings ahead of mine and I wont accept that in a relationship').

He is pandering to her, to a degree that is just not healthy for any of you. If you feel you can't tell him this, can't one of your (joint) friends?

You are going to counselling - which is a good thing, but it probably also means that you need help, support & understanding. He is 'seemingly' giving this to you on one hand but taking it away with the other and all to benefit her.

Door mat is not the right word, though I'm not sure what is. You could be seriously ill and you are considering not telling him because his ex might (or might not) have cancer. That's not right.

I am also another one who thinks that this 'cancer' is terribly convenient just after he's told her he's dating She has a history of being manipulative & a liar, sadly I'd put money on this being an extension of that. If she doesn't have cancer he needs to tell someone else what she has been up to and walk away from her permanently.

Let's put the cancer issue to one side for a second...

I don't think he intends to be cruel, quite the opposite, he's trying to stop her being hurt, but I do know what you mean.

LL, it isn't his responsibility to stop her being hurt. She's an adult. Relationships end. She's not handled it at all because she hasn't needed to - she can click her fingers and she'll get his attention and his company, he'll visit, have a cup of tea and a catch up with her when she demands. Why does he capitulate to her demands? They have no ties to each other, apart from a shared past, a relationship that has been over for two years. That should be something to look back on, not something that keeps being dragged up.

You're his partner now, he should be giving all the attention he lavishes on his ex to you. It isn't unreasonable or demanding to say that you expect to be put first and you shouldn't allow yourself to be made to feel uncomfortable for not being happy with him visiting her when she snaps her fingers.

I suspect, like many others here, that she's found out he's seeing "someone" and all of a sudden she has terminal cancer and MUST have his attention. Definitely show him the post with the timeline from diagnosis to treatment etc - he needs to see that either way. Supporting an ex through a terminal illness is a noble thing to do, but there have to be boundaries and imho she won't be the one to establish them. If she is lying, he has to know (sod worrying about how you look - if she's lying and you find out, you must tell him). If she's lying and he finds out himself (ie through Macmillan or from her parents), he will need your support for a time. No one likes finding out someone they loved has lied about something so serious.

Good luck LL, I hope everything goes well - for your health issues too. Make sure you get the support YOU need and deserve.

Why does he want to be involved? They weren't married, they don't have kids. What on earth is wrong with him that he's still running around after her like this?

Honestly, he sounds as bad as she does. If not worse.

The only puzzle here is which one of them is the narcissist, and which is the co-dependent?

The most alarming thing though is this statement:

I don't know how to be there for him without appearing to be interfering, because I don't know her very well, and don't want to appear like I'm suspicious or anything when I ask how she is.

This is after a year with him? You don't sound very secure or comfortable in this relationship. After a whole year, he's still keeping his relationship with you quiet! Sounds to me that he likes you both hanging around.

Aren't you wondering where this relationship is going, and whether he's actually worth hanging around for?

Finally, do you honestly believe him? Because I'm not sure I would. Do you have any mutual acquaintances through your work you could check this out with?

I hope he's not just preparing the way to see her more regularly while he makes up his mind who he wants to be with. Maybe I'm being cynical, but it wouldn't be the first time on here that a DH/DP has rushed off to be someone's knight in shining armour only to end up in a relationship with them!