DP's ex has told him she has cancer.

[LuminousLaces]

Been with DP for around a year now, he split with his ex about a year before we met. She's had issues letting go, and has made things quite difficult for us. That said, I wish her no ill, and have met her at events a few times, as we work in the same sort of business. She doesn't know we're a couple.

A few weeks ago she told him that she been to the doctor, told she had cancer and that she needed chemo. This week she has told him the three sessions of chemo haven't done anything, that its too far gone for surgery and that she is now terminal.

DP is understandably upset - they were together for a long time, and as much as he is happier not being with her, he still cares about her. He's going to see her tomorrow night to find out exactly what is going on.

I don't really know what to say to him. I don't know how to be there for him without appearing to be interfering, because I don't know her very well, and don't want to appear like I'm suspicious or anything when I ask how she is.

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions as to how to deal with this?

Thanks.

(Have namechanged, by the way, as am quite identifiable from my normal screen name, and want to preserve both of their privacy.)

[EscapeInTheCity]

Nope it would not be suitable.

[Gigondas]

Probably not - she may be ok if she is her good week (third week of three before next cycle) but not if in second or end of first week as will be low immunity.

[LuminousLaces]

He must have told her he is ill. He's told everyone that will listen... Hmm. Will warn him tonight.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Because things were actually going okay until she told him she had cancer. He had told her he was seeing people, she'd started to accept it, and he was going to tell her we were together."

So she told him she had cancer AFTER he told her he was seeing other people. No, she had not started to accept it. Not at all. And she never will, for as long as your boyfriend's behaviour lets her think that she can hope. And every time he travels for an hour to see her, her hope gets a boost.

If you want to accommodate the minute possibility she's telling the truth - and I do believe it is very unlikely to be true - then SchmaltzingMatilda's suggestion is the way to go. He speaks to her parents and gets on to McMillan. For as long as she's the only source of information, it is only a claim to have cancer.

[cocolepew]

I actually think you sound a lovely person op.

If DP is ill he can't go and visit her. I'm suspicious as well, I have to say I don't believe her. DP has to break away from her, they have no children together and it's not a friendly relationship they have, she is emotionally blackmailing him . He needs to man up tbh.

I hope your test results are ok.

[diddl]

He´s not doing her any favours by keeping seeing her if she´s struggling to let go, is he?

I mean it´s been two years-when does he think she would be ready to be told/for him to stop making the effort to see her?

[LuminousLaces]

WhereYouLeftIt, yes the fact that she told him she was ill after he'd told her he was seeing people did seem coincidental. You are exactly right with your last statement.

Thanks cocolepew. I'm trying not to worry about them too much right now, just want answers, TBH. Can only work when I have facts.

I know I must sound like a tit, and that DP sounds like he has no backbone. But he cares about her, and I care about him. So that's all I have to go with, really. I'm not painting her in a very good light; she is a nice person. Just has a lot of issues.

I will write down the contact details for Macmillian to give to him tonight.

[LuminousLaces]

Diddl, I know that, you know that, our friends know that. Unfortunately I can't make him realise that, he has to come to that conclusion by himself. And if I say it to him, it makes me look jealous. If I say it to him right now, when he thinks she is dying, it just makes me look like a bitch.

So I bite my tongue. I do think its bad for him (he is always such a grumpy bastard after seeing her, she knows how to push his buttons) and actually bad for her as well. But he needs to see that - I can't force him to.

[Paiviaso]

"Because things were actually going okay until she told him she had cancer. He had told her he was seeing people, she'd started to accept it, and he was going to tell her we were together."

They have been broken up for several years. Pandering to her like this is ridiculous. She is a manipulative ex-girlfriend who displayed incredibly inappropriate behaviour. They should not have any contact, let alone this mollycoddling.

I think you need to understand the difference between sound exes with whom you are friendly, and unstable, clingly ones who it is unhealthy to keep in contact with.

Don't be so nice that you become a doormat, OP. Good luck.

[LuminousLaces]

That's twice I've been called a doormat on this thread, maybe I am just being a total dick I'm trying to be as supportive and understanding as I can be.

She is highly insecure, to the point that when we first met at a works event (they had been split up 18 months by this point), she introduced herself to me as his girlfriend. Then gave a little laugh and said, "Well. Ex girlfriend, I suppose!".

[expatinscotland]

This guy is either a wet girl's blouse and the most pathetic waffler around or he is playing both of you.

Also, I seriously doubt she has terminal breast cancer.

But that's by the by. You've been with this man a year and he is still hanging round his ex far too much.

The only thing I'd tell this man is, 'I'm not happy or comfortable with your situation with your ex anymore (and you're right, you don't own him, would you want to?), so I need some space to think things over. We need to spend some time apart.'

TBH, I'd have dumped him, but when I was single, I got to the point where I just didn't do guys who were still attached to their ex's when there were no children involved. Too much like work, too much drama, and I got too old and not enough energy for that shit.

[expatinscotland]

'She is highly insecure, to the point that when we first met at a works event (they had been split up 18 months by this point), she introduced herself to me as his girlfriend. Then gave a little laugh and said, "Well. Ex girlfriend, I suppose!". '

No, she's not, LL, she's what is known in common parlance as a psycho with stalkerish tendancies. She still thinks she is his girlfriend, he has done nothing to seriously dissuade her of this so neither one of them has moved on.

Don't you think you deserve a real partner in life?

[CleansLate]

I can imagine someone I used to go out with doing this. He was obsessed with not being a bad guy or blamed for anything. His 'psycho ex' pulled some pretty special stuff too and for way too long he would go round and try to help because he felt responsible somehow and was terrified she'd hurt herself and it'd be 'his fault'.

OP I have a lot of sympathy with your position but if it was me, I'd wait til he's visited and then (depending on how it's gone), tell him about the lies she's told in the past ("I didn't want to mention it at the time but..."), and the facts zombie has shared which make the ex's situation seem a bit cancer ex machina iyswim.

But that would depend on what I think will happen happening, which is him coming home thinking 'hmmm'.

[MrsMuddyPuddles]

OP, you know her slightly, why not go with him when he visits her?

[expatinscotland]

This guy sounds like hard work. Imagine your life without the stress, with a completely unattached partner who is there for you whenever, whom you can share and get support for your own health problems and it's just the two of you, not some psycho in the background.

[seaofyou]

Are you sure LL that DP is not a Narc and feeding off the pair of you?

Just to throw spanner in their!

[BonzoDooDah]

Oh Lumi you sounds perfectly lovely and long suffering. It is very worrying that she introduced herself as his GF 18 months after they had split. Deffo mental health issues there. Also - yes sounds mighty suspicious compared with what Zombie says - but each being different you DO have to give her the benefit of the doubt for the reasons you said. Tricky. I can see entirely why your DP is worried about her but if she is ill he cannot go and see her with his manflu. He could cancel saying he is too ill to come and then drop into the conversation with her that he cannot see her the next night she suggests as he is going out with his GF. Show her that you come before her and then see her with this knowledge.

I'm also VERY wary of people blackmailing others to stay with them. I spent waaaaaay to long with a controlling ex because I thought I couldn't leave (bad bad) and also my uncle - his wife told him if he left she would kill herself. So he stayed - then one day ... after quite a few years of this - he killed himself. Utterly tragic - the whole family hates her (obviously) but it is hard to see how to get yourself out of these things. I don't know what I'm trying to say really but maybe it is that I am sympathising with your DP at finding it hard to extricate himself - but he needs to know she is not his responsibility and her mental health and actions are not his personal liability.
Good luck :(

[BonzoDooDah]

Also - what Muddypuddles say - you could offer to go with him as you have met her and can say you can "help support her" ... or see how manipulative she is?

[Spero]

I know your partner is trying to be kind and do the right thing but he is actually being very cruel, letting her think that maybe she can win him back as he appears to be at her beck and call.

I told my ex when I was diagnosed, because we have a child together and he needed to know in case it had big impact on our daughter. But when he told me he was 'upset' and wanted to know the name of my surgeon I said no. This is private to me, he isn't part of my support network and I did not want to share details with him. If we didn't have a child together I certainly would not have told him.

I agree the timeline is also very suspicious here. I had biopsy, week to diagnosis, then another week for various scans etc.

But the most worrying thing is that you two have been together for a year and she doesn't know? Both of you are pandering to her emotional insecurities in a way which ultimately I think is quite unkind to her. If she is lying about being ill then she needs serious help and your partner needs to disengage fast.

If she really is terminally ill I think she needs to spend her last months not chasing after an impossible dream.

[Musomathsci]

Could somebody PLEASE explain - chinny beard??

I too think that this sounds like a desperate attempt to gain his attention. You say that she has made things difficult for you. If you find out that this is another of her tall stories, time for DP to cut all contact, for the sake of your relationship. She sounds a bit stalker-ish, no?

[MsArseBiscuit]

For what it's worth, OP, I was in a similar situation when my ex-DP's ex-wife started getting 'chest pains' just prior to Christmas one year, leading him to abandon his plans for Christmas at his parents' ( we weren't living together ) and stay at her's for a couple of days as she was 'so distressed' she couldn't possibly manage to cook Christmas dinner. I didn't want to kick up a fuss as (a) I didn't want to look jealous and petty and (b) I was trying to be reasonable.
Even if your dp's ex has been diagnosed with terminal Ca Breast, it's not his problem, ( I am very suspicious about the apparent speed of her diagnosis and prognosis ) - you are his priority, not her, that needs to be made clear to him. ( Voice of experience, I wish I hadn't been so bloody reasonable ).

[CinnabarRed]

Chinny beard = chinny reckon = I don't believe it.

No idea why. It just does. For anyone at primary school in the last 1970s/early 1980s.

[expatinscotland]

YY, it takes time to know what effect the chemo has had, weeks, even.

But again, this guy sounds suspect to me.

[Gigondas]

Chinny reckon

It's a school playground thing for those of a certain age.

[MsArseBiscuit]

Musomathsci, I know it as 'chinny reck-on' - a saying of some decades ago when, on hearing something one believes to be extremely unlikely, one strokes one's imaginary beard in a thoughtful manner and says 'chinny reck-on'. ( you may well be too young to remember this )