Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP's ex has told him she has cancer.

462 replies

LuminousLaces · 06/11/2012 13:06

Been with DP for around a year now, he split with his ex about a year before we met. She's had issues letting go, and has made things quite difficult for us. That said, I wish her no ill, and have met her at events a few times, as we work in the same sort of business. She doesn't know we're a couple.

A few weeks ago she told him that she been to the doctor, told she had cancer and that she needed chemo. This week she has told him the three sessions of chemo haven't done anything, that its too far gone for surgery and that she is now terminal.

DP is understandably upset - they were together for a long time, and as much as he is happier not being with her, he still cares about her. He's going to see her tomorrow night to find out exactly what is going on.

I don't really know what to say to him. I don't know how to be there for him without appearing to be interfering, because I don't know her very well, and don't want to appear like I'm suspicious or anything when I ask how she is.

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions as to how to deal with this?

Thanks.

(Have namechanged, by the way, as am quite identifiable from my normal screen name, and want to preserve both of their privacy.)

OP posts:
2rebecca · 09/11/2012 08:33

As they have no kids there is no reason for him to keep in touch with her other than him wanting to.
Someone threatening to kill themself if you don't do what they want is a manipulative person who should be completely avoided, not pandered to, especially 2 years down the line.
If she has a terminal illness this should make him feel a bit sad but shouldn't be a reason for him to visit her.
She is his ex girlfriend, if she rants that he never visits then he replies "I don't visit because our relationship is over" and deletes her number.
Your boyfriend is the problem here, I'd also wonder why he chose to stay with a manipulative nutter for such a long time. Some men do enjoy all the drama and neediness.
If any boyfriend I had wouldn't detach himself from an ex and not tell his ex he was with me I would tell him to leave until he had sorted out his priorities and that I didn't want him to feel I was a dirty secret.
A relationship is either over or it isn't.

Original poster
LuminousLaces · 09/11/2012 09:06

Springy, I'll be honest I hadn't even thought of her daughter. You have a very good point there though, and it is another reason to be cautious.

I don't know which of (the three!) of us you are suggesting are codependent, but it made very interesting reading, thank you. I suspect it is more that he was on the receiving end of lies, threats, and several times where she did do herself damage during their relationship. He tried to end it several times, it was a huge thing for him to finally do it, despite all of her threats and hurting herself, and he is still backing off now. As for me, I am possibly over empathetic, and whilst I do have low self esteem / a need to please others, that has got better since being with him.

She refuses to access help because she won't acknowledge there is a problem. I know they did counselling courses together and seperately a handful of times over the course of their (seven year) relationship. He says she's a lot better know than she was, but still will not access help for what is obviously a mental health condition.

OP posts:
nkf · 09/11/2012 09:16

I don't understand why everyone assumes it's the ex who is manipulative. The boyfriend might be stringing both women along. In my opinion - and this is hugely sexist - I think men rarely do anything they don't want to do where women are concerned. If he's in contact with her, it's probably because he wants to be.

HecatePropylaea · 09/11/2012 09:31

Thing is, even if he thinks he is being kind to her, he is wrong. He is being very, very cruel.

They've been split up for what? two years? and in that time he has maintained the pretence that he is single? "seeing people" aka having dates is not the same as being in a relationship with someone. It's casual. It implies he's not found anyone he wants to settle down with.

So she may have convinced herself that he is single, and only going on the odd date here and there which has never become a relationship because he does still love her, and that if only she can do/say the 'right' thing, they'll get back together.

Which is cruel to her. It may be easier for him, but it's cruel to her.

I think you have to consider the possibility that he's avoiding telling her because it is easier for him to not have to and to therefore not have to deal with her reaction.

She needs to know that he has moved on. That he isn't dipping a toe in the water, isn't having the odd date, isn't comparing every woman to her, isn't still in love with her.

If she has convinced herself of that, then she's not going to be able to move on, and that is the cruelest thing that he could do to her. far crueler than telling her the truth and accepting that that is going to cause her pain.

EugenesAxe · 09/11/2012 09:41

nkf no I disagree; I trust Luminous' judgement on this. I know many sensitive men who would be concerned in the way her DP is. My DH was incredibly hurt by his ex-W but he still insists on keeping momentos of the happy times they had together. I know though that now he wouldn't touch her with a barge-pole, in an emotional sense, and I have never worried he harbours affection for her.

He just values times and people that have once given him happiness, even if later down the line they shat all over it.

I think Hectates insight is more likely - he's conflict-avoiding. Not a Libra is he LL? Grin

nkf · 09/11/2012 09:43

Concerned about cancer yes. But not staying in touch and pretending to be single. I don't rate that as sensitive. I think that is dishonest.

MrsMuddyPuddles · 09/11/2012 11:47

If she mentions suicide again, your DP should call the police. If she is both honestly suicidal AND refusing to admit there is a problem let alone access help, she needs to have that help forced on her, through Social Services and sectioning, if needed.

This is too big for ONE person to handle alone, as hard as your DP might try. He needs to back off and if he really cares about who she was (or even about her in the present), he would seek out professional help for her. If only through an anon call to Mind/The Samaritans to get advice on how to help another person through
a difficult timethe breakup, as that's the underlying issue, whether or not she has cancer, whether or not the end is near for her

Good luck

nkf · 09/11/2012 12:19

Should he call the police? What can they do? Social services I could understand. But it's not a crime to threaten suicide.

HecatePropylaea · 09/11/2012 12:27

No, but the police will go round and break the door down if they have to if they have reason to believe someone is in there and is dying. They'd certainly go round and check on her.

CinnabarRed · 09/11/2012 12:32

And, strictly, it is still a crime to commit suicide in this country.

nkf · 09/11/2012 12:33

Really? I thought that law was changed ages ago.

MrsTittleMouse · 09/11/2012 12:36

Cinnabar - no it isn't.
www.samaritans.org/media-centre/media-guidelines/reporting-suicide-tips-journalists

CinnabarRed · 09/11/2012 12:37

Oh, OK. It certainly was when my DF killed himself because the coroner specifically said. But that was 20 years ago.

diddl · 09/11/2012 13:35

My husband had a stalker.

She phoned him at work & said she would kill herself if he didn´t see her.

He phoned the police.

They went round to check on her.

mutny · 09/11/2012 14:17

Oh my god diddl.

Did he hear from her again?

OP how old is this woman?

This is ridiculous. Has he called her parents yet?

diddl · 09/11/2012 14:26

She was sectioned & then called him again to fetch her when released!!!

He didn´t obviously.

thegreylady · 09/11/2012 16:41

I would be suspicious of the timing it doesnt ring true at all.
I have / had breast cancer
dx early October
operation 24th October
started chemo early December
finished chemo May
radiotherapy for 3 weeks starting 3 weeks after chemo finished.
After 3 chemos [usually 6 or 8] they wouldnt know if it was working.
Has she lost her hair?Has she had scans?

Original poster
LuminousLaces · 09/11/2012 16:51

Yes he is a Libra actually Grin And thank you for trusting my judgement EA :)

nkf Simply I think he is way too much of a people pleaser to be manipulative. And do think your comment is sexist; know just as many crappy women as I do crappy men.

She asks every time they talk - even if its a works thing - about them getting back together. He is very firm with her, but I do agree it would actually be easier on her in the long run if she knew he was with someone.

I don't know how he handled the situations in the past when she self harmed / threatened suicide, its not something we have talked about. But considering she has always refused to access help and denied she has any problems, I doubt there were any professional teams involved at all. I don't know how he would handle it now.

Diddl how horrible for your DH. I hope he is okay.

munty she's mid forties.

OP posts:
Original poster
LuminousLaces · 09/11/2012 16:53

greylady I'm sorry to hear that - and I hope you are doing okay.

All I know about the medical side of things is what I have posted, and won't know any more until he goes to see her, whenever that is.

OP posts:
EugenesAxe · 09/11/2012 18:24

On reflection I sounded patronising with that last comment - I didn't mean to; apologies if you had a Hmm moment reading it.

Original poster
LuminousLaces · 09/11/2012 20:17

I didn't read it that way, don't worry. :)

OP posts:
Portofino · 09/11/2012 21:10

Luminous, you seem to missing the point that HE HAS NO REASON to go see her. To be respectful to you, these visits must stop. No matter how nice you are (very) and how bad he feels. It must stop! The cancer is a red herring. It is nothing to do with either of you in your life together.

Portofino · 09/11/2012 21:16

My ex for example, according to friends, lives a complete miserable existence with his new wife. Whether her or his behaviour is at fault is NOWT to do with me. And especially not to do with my DH. I feel for him if he is miserable, as I consider him to be a nice bloke. And if he was dying/died, I would feel a bit sad. I would not, however, dream of going to visit, ringing him or anything, because he is my ex.

scottishmummy · 09/11/2012 21:18

your p still feels a connection or need with ex
hence the contacts, the habitual dramas
the reason he's not told her you are his significant partner

SlightlyJaded · 09/11/2012 22:52

OP do you have an ex partner that you were with for say, more than a few months?

Can you imagine investing this amount of time/effort/emotion in them? Really? Even if they were sick?

Were your ex to be 'clingy', would you hide your current relationship from them?