DP's ex has told him she has cancer.

[LuminousLaces]

Been with DP for around a year now, he split with his ex about a year before we met. She's had issues letting go, and has made things quite difficult for us. That said, I wish her no ill, and have met her at events a few times, as we work in the same sort of business. She doesn't know we're a couple.

A few weeks ago she told him that she been to the doctor, told she had cancer and that she needed chemo. This week she has told him the three sessions of chemo haven't done anything, that its too far gone for surgery and that she is now terminal.

DP is understandably upset - they were together for a long time, and as much as he is happier not being with her, he still cares about her. He's going to see her tomorrow night to find out exactly what is going on.

I don't really know what to say to him. I don't know how to be there for him without appearing to be interfering, because I don't know her very well, and don't want to appear like I'm suspicious or anything when I ask how she is.

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions as to how to deal with this?

Thanks.

(Have namechanged, by the way, as am quite identifiable from my normal screen name, and want to preserve both of their privacy.)

Nothing that alcohol can't ease the worries of tonight :)

I am possibly putting more energy into worrying about her than I would if I didn't have things that I needed distracting from.

What a screwed up situation you're in, LL. Your partner must get something out if being under his ex's thumb like this. He can't be doing this out of the goodness if his heart, he just can't. He must secretly enjoy the fact she's obsessed with him, because in all other respects she's totally unhinged.

You know what else is weird? You seem to see and speak with her loads and have to act like you're not the new girlfriend. You listen to them speak without them knowing. You have spoken to other people who can testify that both parties were unhappy with the sex when their relationship was dying.

Bloody hell. Your partner's last relationship looms SO LARGE in your life it's bizarre. And yet you seem to accept it as normal. I understand that your mental health issues clouds your judgement, but this is a massive cloud!

I don't even think the is she/isn't she lying thing is necessarily the most questionable thing about your relationship, you know?

You and your 'dp' are playing with this woman's reality and it's disgusting, especially if, as you say,, she already has a fragile grip on it.

hiviolet, I have never instigated any of those conversations. Simply have heard them. Its normally things along the lines of, "I don't know why she's sobbing / shouting / fussing about him again, all she did when they were together was complain about him". I mentioned the sex aspect because someone suggested he was screwing her. Also, don't think he enjoys it, but is worried for her, and isn't sure how to leave her to her own means.

perfumed I'm sorry you think that.

So your bf (you don't live together do you? ) sees her the odd time at work, she calls him and he's been to visit her about five times this past year that you've dated him. She told him she had cancer, either in a call or in person and then that it was terminal. Why did he need to go over to her house to 'see what's going on' when he already knew?

I'm sorry for your own troubles with your health, I know how hard that can be. I just don't think you are facing up to how unhealthy your relationship is.

Perfumed - your comment at 21.02 is nasty, the OP is definitely not playing with this woman's reality. Many of us agree what is going on is not healthy for any of them, but it is not out of malice on the OP's behalf. Secondly, it is not up to you to define their relationship, it is very rude to decide he is her bf not her dp because they don't live together. Rude & presumptious.

LL - I have an ex who is a bit like your DP, a people pleaser - doesn't want to hurt anyone, wants to 'make it right' for everyone (ironically fell into the same 'I'll kill myself' trap with a previous ex etc), sadly all they end up doing is hurting everyone, because it's simply not possible to please & be honest with everyone, it just isn't. When things are sorted out with her lying/not lying cancer situation, that's probably a conversation you need to have with him. I think there have been some horrible things said about him that probably aren't true (controlling/enjoying this/still seeing her etc) & it's hard when you know they he's a enuinely nice bloke, if a bit misguided. Try not to take it to heart, BUT, you will need to make him see that no-one can make everyone happy all the time and that he is compromising his integrity trying to do so.

Anyway, take care of yourself and maybe find another distraction x

Excellent post, Chipping.

Excellent post, Chipping.

LL, your mental health is yours. So is hers. Why make hers yours, too, IYKWIM. You are not responsible for her mental health problems, she and her healthcare providers are.

That part that is your problem is that your boyfriend is making her mental health problems part of your life, too. You have enough on your plate with your own problems, and you are not responsible for hers, nor need nor deserve them.

If you can't find a way to divorce her problems and the ones that he brings to your life because of his continued involvement with her, then you deal with that with your healthcare professionals.

But this is not your fault. Even if she kills herself, which she probably won't, it is not your fault or your responsibility.

most men who keep their GF's secret is because they have another one!

Why is your BF not telling his EX and possibly other's about you?

I have not read last few pages but this is suspicious and his need to keep in contact with EX is very Narc like!

It is also very unusual for someone who is terminally ill to want to 'kill themselves' over an EXBF rather than bigger issues ie their cancer!

seaofyou It's quite important to read all of a thread on the Relationships board, but if it's really too long, it's best to at least read the last few pages. Stomping in making accusations like that when you haven't is less than helpful. The OP is not being kept a secret in general, only to this one ex girlfriend. This one ex girlfried has said, in public, that they are no longer together. He's not telling the ex because she's threatened suicide in the past and he's scared she will go through with it. It's not Narc like he's just being far too easily manipulated by his ex. through fear. She hasn't threatened suicide since she said about her 'cancer'.

Thank you, Chipping and Expat especially.

I use DP instead of BF because BF always makes me think "best friend" whenever I read it on here.

Chipping I think you have DP sussed out entirely. He is a real people pleaser. He hates saying no to people, he feels like he's letting them down. Its one of his biggest credits and biggest failings, rolled together. She is also, of course, very aware of how he functions on this level, and I think she plays with his head very effectively. A talk is certainly needed, but don't think I can really work on that until whether we know she is telling the truth or not. If she is, its kind of a whole different ball game. Although he hasn't gone rushing off to her side immediately, which I am taking as a positive sign that he is still maintaining some distance from her. Thank you for your wise words and summarizing in my absence!!

Thank you Expat, you're quite right of course, and today I did try to do some work within myself about boundaries. I take on other peoples problems a lot, and its something I need to focus on.

True Chip. Though all due respect Chip OP does not know 100% what is going on as never allowed to visit as kept a secret! No one knows 100% except DP and exGF..the EXGF said she is the GF initially though then said 'ex' in second breath.
LL maybe DP would benefit then from some assertiveness training or separation 'anxiety' counselling as 2 yrs is abnormal! This goes beyond norm of 'being nice' 'scared ex will do something' if it is the other way round and DP the victim in this?

I wouldn't want to visit even if he suggested I went with him. Firstly as speaking to the woman for more than a few minutes starts to grate on my nerves, secondly I really don't know her well enough to just turn up with him (even if she knew about us and was fine with it!), and finally because if she is ill in the way she says she is, the last thing she needs right now is a practical stranger sat there whilst she's talking about something very difficult in her life.

I believe DP. He's got no reason to lie to me. If he was going to lie, he could easily just lie about visiting her all together.

I don't think he has "separation anxiety" or anything like that, and is perfectly capable of being assertive. He is genuinely frightened for her, and with good cause from what I've seen myself. I think he's dug himself into a bit of a hole to be honest, with no way out right now especially.

Well see, I think it is playing with someone's reality when you are colluding in lies that are clearly affecting them. It may not be out of malice, the motivation is hard to work out, I still think it's a disgusting way to carry on, and unhealthy for all. I don't presume to define anyone's relationship, would that I had such power! I mentioned bf because I couldn't see if they lived together and knowing if they did may have put a different spin on things.

Op I hope you get it sorted.

Please refrain from insulting me, its the last thing I need right now. I am trying to make the best in a difficult situation, calling me disgusting really isn't constructive.

LL If the cancer issue had not come up, what was the plan for your DP and the ex? Is he going to lead his whole life not confronting her with the fact that he has moved on, in case she kills herself? I think that if this is the case then he is not in fact available for a relationship with someone new, ie you. What would happen if the two of you wanted to get married, or have a child? Would this be kept a secret?
I think she may well have cancer, but I doubt that she has been through the whole cycle through to prognosis, for all the sensible reasons others have
cited. She sounds like someone who seizes on drama, particularly if she wants to pull the reins on your DP.
I think you need to talk to DP about the secrecy of your relationship. It is like a kind of mad denial that you are all colluding in.
Hope your health is OK- sounds as if you have a lot on your plate.

If this is a case of EA and control then can your DP do something like the Freedom Programme? They do it online I think?

He is allowing EXGF to remain in control.

Only DP can break this cycle by refusing to engage anymore....tricky time though to do it I must admit!

I did not call you disgusting. I said the lies were disgusting. Who actually talks like that, 'please refrain'? I'll leave you to the constructive advice of others. I hope when the woman does learn of your relationship you can handle the stress that brings. I just think your dp is shoring up bigger problems by doing this, and dragging you along. All the best.

Yes LL perfume didn't mean you.

If EXGF is delusional perfume is right DP is feeding it rather than shattering those delusions by not saying 'I have a DP'.

LL try and step out of your shoes and put a Teddy in them and sit and look at it from outside looking in. You have been trapped in this too...maybe if you had counselling...to work out how you feel, need from DP and the future how to move on from this....as it is like you are all stuck in a tardis.

I am a lesser person than you and your DP Luminous as I'm a bit 'whatever' about suicide threats.

There'd be no active vindictiveness on my part, but if she threatened it to my face, I'd probably just say 'Well, it's your decision. I'd be sorry but ultimately I'll still be with Luminous whether you're alive or not.'

As a very wise poster said earlier, if she does kill herself it will be solely down to her, and nothing to do with your DP. I pity her and she needs counselling, but he should not have to live with this guilt.

Same here Eugene

She´s an ex of 2yrs.

For many people it wouldn´t be noticeable as they wouldn´t even be in their lives anymore.

What would make this difficult for me is the teenage daughter in the background. it's not as if it is just this woman, it's her daughter too. If she kills herself... well, I dont need to spell it out . Not that that is your, or his, ultimate responsibility, though it does hang the guillotine over him, rather.

It's a mess though, isn't it? You are being very amenable in all this OP. I get that you have a MH issue and some of your friends do/have too and, yes, it does make one more erm understanding about behavioural excesses. But this situation is so unhealthy. You're skulking around in the background like an apology because this woman has centre stage. You have particular health worries at the mo and you're not telling DP 'because you don't want to worry him' ?? that's just not right, it's all in the wrong order. Do you really want to be in a relationship with Mother Theresa in male form? Actually, you both sound like Mother Theresa (don't be offended): have you looked at codependency ?

This woman is not going to kill herself, if she was she would have done it by now, but even if she did, it's nothing to do with you or your DP.

I doubt she has cancer, although I am a cynic. A friends ex husband claimed to have a brain tumour which was terminal. This was when she was starting divorce proceedings. Was apparently going to be dead by Christmas. Well surprise! It was a Christmas miracle and 5 years later he is still with us!
He was full of shit and just trying to manipulate a reaction out of her.
The timing of this woman's diagnosis suggests to me (and I hope I'm wrong) that she is also full of shit.
She sounds like the sort of woman that claims she is pregnant when she isn't.
Your DP needs to tell her he is in a relationship and stop stringing her along.
If she thinks he is single she will try all sorts to get a reaction out of him
It's two fucking years down the line!!
Think about it this way, if she does have cancer, is it really fair on her to believe that whatever time she has left will be spent with your DP?
It's just weird and he needs to extricate himself from this situation asap.
Whether she has cancer or not, she is clearly not well, but that has fuck all to do with you or your partner so tell her and let her family take care of her either way.

Surely if he really thinks she might he should be getting some help & leaving them to it?

I´m afraid I think he sounds rather pathetic tbh.