DP's ex has told him she has cancer.

[LuminousLaces]

Been with DP for around a year now, he split with his ex about a year before we met. She's had issues letting go, and has made things quite difficult for us. That said, I wish her no ill, and have met her at events a few times, as we work in the same sort of business. She doesn't know we're a couple.

A few weeks ago she told him that she been to the doctor, told she had cancer and that she needed chemo. This week she has told him the three sessions of chemo haven't done anything, that its too far gone for surgery and that she is now terminal.

DP is understandably upset - they were together for a long time, and as much as he is happier not being with her, he still cares about her. He's going to see her tomorrow night to find out exactly what is going on.

I don't really know what to say to him. I don't know how to be there for him without appearing to be interfering, because I don't know her very well, and don't want to appear like I'm suspicious or anything when I ask how she is.

Has anyone got any advice or suggestions as to how to deal with this?

Thanks.

(Have namechanged, by the way, as am quite identifiable from my normal screen name, and want to preserve both of their privacy.)

I will just add that ( and please bear in mind that I'm with the majority on this one and I think she is being economical with the truth at the very least ) if she were to be diagnosed with advanced disease by chance as a result of finding cancer spread to her bones, bone metastases themselves are not incompatible with longer term survival.

As they have no children he has NO reason to be getting in to her shit.
If she says she is going to kill herself then he should call her bluff (because that is all it is)
if she tells him she is dying he should say go on then,

Really if he had no feelings for her then he would not be asking how high when she says jump, and by keeping you a "dirty little secret" he is doing no good at all, she needs to be told to fuck off get out of it and he needs to grow a pair

I've just read the whole thread and all your posts OP and I do not believe your partner is telling you the whole truth here.

There is NO reason for any grown man to be visiting his ex with whom he has no children, no matter what you or he says, no matter what she's threatened. A normal guy who is not stringing her along or shagging her would have told her in no uncertain terms that the relationship was over.

He would be mature and wise enough to know that someone this manipulative will never be satiated and that we cannot be responsible for other people's actions (ie suicide threats) - and would want to run a mile from her.

I'm not going to comment on the cancer aspect because we just don't know and because actually I think it's far less relevant than you think.

Your partner is at worst a liar and at best a weak character who will let you down in the future, of that I'm sure.

X post with Rabid who has put it more succintly and rather more fabulously bluntly!

Personally I think whatever it is, whether he is stringing her along or whether he is trying to be kind to someone he believe is dying, whether she is lying or telling the truth, whether he/she is after a relationship, it doesn't matter.

You aren't well yourself and you need the support of your partner. It is not unreasonable for you to expect that support and I think if he is more focused on his ex than you during a time of need, if you feel you can't ask for those needs to be supported, I think let him go and focus on her and you focus all your efforts on yourself. Don't martyr yourself because of him.

I have read the whole thread and you have had some fantastic advice and information.
I want to echo the last few posts, especially kinky's

If this all turns out to be a lie, what do you think your dp will do? Cut contact? Or will he be hurt, upset and confused by his exes betrayal? Just how long are you willing to put up with being one of three in this relationship.

It may sound harsh but I would be giving him an ultimatum. Even though she may be ill. If it all turns out to be lies it will be very easy for him to 'choose' you, I'd be interested to know who he would choose right now, if he had to pick.

I also think that as lovely etc as your DP is he is not doing you or his ex any favours.

As others have said:

1. Why is he STILL visiting her after two fecking years?! This is crazy. If she's having trouble letting go he's really not helping her by showing up on the scene on a regular basis.

1. After a whole year together you deserve to be acknowledged as your DP's partner to his ex.

At best he's being really naive, at worst, disingenuous.

I have no idea about the timeline for breast cancer, although my mum has had it (thankfully caught early). It is just horrible for everyone involved. Big hugs and to those suffering.

My best friend's ex told her he had a brain tumour - she'd just broken up with him and was moving to another town. She was beside herself - until she happened to bump into the ex's brother ... who had no idea what she was on about. Cancer is horrible; anyone who lies about it must be morally bankrupt.

Whether the ex has cancer or not isn't the problem here.

What is worrying is that your partner is putting his ex first instead of making your relationship his priority. He isn't being fair to either of you at the moment as if he really cares for you he would cut all contact with her.

If she is really so crazy that she is likely to kill herself he should alert someone medical and get her sectioned. It sounds like she's an expert at emotional blackmail and he is allowing the situation to continue. Tell him to ignore her completely.

In the past, my DH's ex has tried a similar tactic saying 'I'm ill, I need you, if you really care about me you'll do xyz (usually asking for extra money)' etc. We always ignore her otherwise it's like feeding a very needy troll!

Thanks all again for your input, plenty to think about.

As much as I am the first to admit my DP is not perfect, and has like everyone his flaws, I do understand why he is still visiting her. Again, this is maybe because of my mental health understanding, and have seen myself how volatile she is, and why he is worried about her. That said, I have thought for quite some time he isn't helping her - or himself - by visiting, though he had been reducing all his contact with her gradually.

I do understand what you are saying, and to some level get how it must look, but because I know both of them, it does make sense to me why is he doing what he is doing.

Again, when I was asked by her about who he was seeing, I didn't tell her it was me because I really believe she is mentally unstable enough do herself some damage, or at least upset him enough into thinking that.

And really... I don't think it matters if she knows. Part of me does get frustrated with it at times, but everyone else knows, so I don't feel like a big dark secret. However, most of me feels that she would kick up such a fuss if she did find out, that actually it would give her more power over him, and more impact on our relationship than she already has. I am not hidden away or anything; we go out together, we go on holiday, he is openly affectionate with me in public. Its just one person.

I do firmly believe that he is trying to protect her - but also feel that he is possibly not achieving that. Yet understand what he is frightened of. She is a grown woman, and should be trusted enough with the truth, but her reaction to a lot of things is not logical. I can see both sides (as can he, we have discussed it) and understand why he has drawn this conclusion. Letting her speculate he is seeing various women, confirming to her he is dating... Its then a big leap to naming one person and saying he's in a relationship.

I can't tell say what the big lies she's told in the past are as they might identify us (and if she is actually ill and hasn't told certain people yet, I wouldn't want to destroy her privacy). But they were big, harsh, and she got caught out. Some I witnessed myself, some I was warned about by friends, and others I heard of via the management team. Knowing what she had said and done whilst they were together, and afterwards, would hurt him, and I don't want to be the one to do that. If people who have known him longer than I have have decided its better he doesn't know, then I trust that judgement.

Agreed. Even if she does have cancer, your ex is not the right person to support her through it.

But why does he need to protect her? He is not her partner. He's not even really a friend, he sees her because he has to whether through guilt or emotional blackmail.

Maybe i'm being harsh, and I too have suffered mental illness. But she is not your's or your DPs responsibility and by carrying on with this odd situation for the last two years your DP has probably made it worse, not better.

However ill or unstable the ex is, I think it would be much better for your DP just to tell her that he is in a relationship with you. Don't you think it will be much worse if she finds out she has been lied to for a year?

Being completely cynical if the ex really has terminal cancer in her weakened state, she will be much too ill to be thinking about your DP or bothering him again.

If she harms herself it is not you or your DP's fault and it will be her decision to do so. You haven't caused her illness and you are not responsible for it any more than she is responsible for your DP's wellbeing. It's time for your DP to move on and leave his ex in the past where she belongs.

If she's that unstable and has a teen daughter, then the proper authorities need to be alerted.

It is not your responsibility or your boyfriend's. He is making it so. Why? That's not healthy for anyone.

Daughter doesn't live with her, expat.

I think he is still very much used to feeling responsible for her. He has got a lot better over the time we've been together, and I think she realised this, which is why she suddenly has a serious health problem.

He would be devastated if he was the reason she killed herself, I suspect is what it boils down to. So he's trying to pacify her enough so that she doesn't threaten to again, whilst trying to withdraw from her at the same time.

I had a crazy ex years back who threatened to kill himself, and do remember all the emotions it brought up for me, and that was without him having attempted it / given any indicator of being capable of doing that before hand, which she has.

'would be devastated if he was the reason she killed herself, I suspect is what it boils down to. So he's trying to pacify her enough so that she doesn't threaten to again, whilst trying to withdraw from her at the same time.'

He is not and wouldn't be even if she did it. She is very, very disturbed.

She needs to be reported to the authorities, because his continued involvement in her life is not doing her any favours.

She needs serious professional help and I'll bet if any professional knew what he was doing they'd advise him to stop immediately because it is not helping her at all.

Or you.

He sounds like a man who needs to have someone to rescue or save in his life, someone who is co-dependent. That's not healthy at all.

That's my point luminous, he wouldn't be the reason she killed herself. It will only ever be her choice to take her life. Your DP will never be able to pacify her enough unless he goes back to her. It will be better for everyone if he starts being honest with her.

If she did kill herself, HE wouldn't be the reason, she would! He isn't responsible for someone else's actions.
She has got a ridiculous hold over him. And it's really unhealthy for him to continue enabling it

When is he going to see her?

Who does her DD live with?

But he can not be responsible for this crazy woman, he owes her nothing.

Whether she has cancer or not or whether she is going to top herself or not are not his problems. Despite acting like a petulant child she is an adult and needs to deal with herself

No idea who the DD lives with, just that she doesn't have much contact with her mum.

When she (ex) cancelled on him, he just said, "Okay". She hasn't suggested another date to go down, and he hasn't offered one. So not sure. He will tell me when / if he does arrange something.

It is faintly ironic as he spends a lot of time encouraging me not to take on other peoples problems, or feel guilty for the choices they make, and yet can't put that into practice with her.

I do hope she is lying after all I've said on here. If she isn't I will feel absolutely disgusted with myself.

LL - you have no reason to be 'disgusted with yourself' if she is lying. She has form & you are being very understanding, most of us would not be and would be making her prove it & telling your DP's to wise up! I honestly believe the best thing you could do right now would be to talk to some of the people who know what other lies she has told and get them to talk to him - before she makes an utter prat of him.

She clearly has other friends/other support - she manages for months at a time without him... she just likes to keep yanking his chain and watching him come running :( She's treating him like a fool.

No, sorry I meant I will feel disgusted with myself if I've said all this and she is telling the truth.

It did cross my mind, but I think before I get any of the other lies uncovered to him, he needs to visit her. Because this will either get the whole story, or will nag at the doubt he already has. Again, because if she really is ill, and all of her past comes up to bite her in the backside, that really wouldn't be fair.

I don't think she's telling the truth, but it is possible she has been ill for longer than she has told him / us about, and until he visits her he won't know.

We had a big talk last night about my health, which has put to rest my worries about not telling him.

Sorry - I meant if she isn't lying.

Let us know how it goes.

Anyway, onto more important things, how are you doing health wise??