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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

What would you do?

16 replies

whatwillitbe · 04/11/2012 23:13

I have name changed.

I am nearly about to pop with my first child.

Me and the father broke up on very bad terms i have reported the threats to the police and we haven't spoke since august. He made a threat to kill his child inside my womb, He has spoken awful words about the child im carrying, e.g ' a bastard' thats very suttle from other things he has said. Told me to abort and hasn't helped for nothing. I have done it all alone

He drinks quite a lot(weekends), i know he has passed drugs from one part of the country to another(i found that out a month before i ended it) i have not reported that to the police because i dont want drug dealers at my doorstep.

The issue is this- If he wants to see his child do i let him?

I did want to go after CSA but he said he will DNA, its his but... If he does want PR they already no the childs his.

I am trying to do everything in my POWER to stop him seeing the child.

I have looked into PR and Contact orders etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatwillitbe · 04/11/2012 23:15

He wont be on the birth cerf, he nos where i live.

Hes not that far from me, 1 min walk.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 04/11/2012 23:16

Are you serious? He threatened to kill the child, and you're asking whether you should allow him to see it? Really?!

AnyFucker · 04/11/2012 23:18

Don't put his name on the birth certificate

Shop him for what you know to the police

If you can, manage without him financially, because let's be realistic here...he's not going to step up wrt money without a shitload of headfucking, is he ?

Cut him out completely, hope for the best (that he loses interest, because he probably will when he realises you are not dancing to his tune)

squeakytoy · 04/11/2012 23:25

move house..

Original poster

whatwillitbe · 04/11/2012 23:25

I put it on here so everyone new the facts, thats why i am worried because hes a very sly twunt and will lie.

Thats the thing, i have struggles quite a lot. Most things second hand, expect for things that have been bought for me. I have everything and im proud to say ive done alone.

I dont know if its even worth it, he has lost his job in the week.

If i shop him to the police, they arrest him and he blabs all to the drug dealers where i live. He does it from my hometown(where i was born)

I will say his job can make things easier to hide the drugs. He deals with cars.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 04/11/2012 23:32

Look, the police aren't daft. If they check up on him properly, he has no reason to think you're involved. The best thing is if he gets a prison sentence and has no idea you've caused it. In that time you can get yourself together and leave the area. You'll have no peace with him around.

Original poster

whatwillitbe · 04/11/2012 23:45

I know where their house and everything(the dealers)

We went there and i thought it was his mates house. He never showed his nasty side when we was together(i know they dont)

He will no its me, im the only one hes told, maybe his ex.

He joked that he took 4k of class a to where i currently live. i laughed it off, only to find out he was serious. I saw it with my own two eyes...

OP posts:

strollinby · 04/11/2012 23:45

Legally if he insisted that he wanted contact he would probably get it. He wouldn't get automatic PR as he'd need to be there when you register the birth to be on the certificate. But it would be easy enough to prove with testing, and PR would be awarded as a matter of course if he pushed for it. That would give him the power to stop you leaving the area in the future.

Courts generally consider that contact with both biological parents is in the child's best interests, because children do worse when they are insecure about their backgrounds. It is not about you 'letting him' see the child - it's about the child's right to know their background. It could be supervised contact, even in a prison environment. It sounds like there's very little documentation of the incidents which occurred, and in any case they aren't so extreme that courts would block contact.

Maintenance and contact aren't linked in any way - so even if he pays none at all, he would still have the right to pursue contact.

The only way he wouldn't end up with contact is if he gets bored and decides not to pursue it, he would have to jump through various legal hoops and you'd just have to hope that he wouldn't be bothered. I suppose in that sense the maintenance and contact is linked, because having to pay maintenance might make him bitter enough to want to make life more disruptive for you and the child.

Original poster

whatwillitbe · 04/11/2012 23:48

what makes it even worse, he took back while i was in the car i didnt even know!

Makes me sick i was pregnant at the time(i didnt know)

Hes blocked me on facebook, i haven't seen him since i was about 22w.

I really dont know what for the best, i am very scared because what ever i do will effect me.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 04/11/2012 23:48

Of course you're not the only one who knows! What about the other dealers? What about the people who buy from them? Every scally in the town will know what he's up to. Don't believe a word he says.

I would be sending an anonymous message to the police, in your position.

Original poster

whatwillitbe · 04/11/2012 23:53

What PP said.

Thats what i am worried about i DONT want him to see him.

I am thinking when he goes up to my hometown his family are up there he brings my child and takes it to drug dealers and brings the drugs back with MY child in the car.

Any mother would be in a state.

I would refuse a DNA he would have to take to me every court. I did say to my mum, 'over my dead body will he see him'

I would move but i cant i live with my parents, we are currently trying to move.

I have told midwife everything apart from the drugs.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatwillitbe · 04/11/2012 23:55

Please no-one think a wuss for not reporting it. I have to think of the bigger picture, i still live where he nos etc.

OP posts:

schoolgovernor · 05/11/2012 09:30

Could you just clarify -
Has he given any indication that he is going to want to be in contact with your child?

Is it correct that you haven't seen him since you were 22wks pregnant?

Have you been in touch with him at all since then? And if so, why?

Original poster

whatwillitbe · 05/11/2012 11:56

He said to me ' i want to see the child but dont want to see you'

then on another breath ' i wont be around bar my money'

I was walking home and he drove past at 22w i haven't spoken to him since then.

I just dont know what to believe what he says anymore. Thats why what ever he says i take as the truth to keep my guard up at all times.

This whole 'drama' has made me not want any more kids, i have depression due to it all, i stay in all the time. Mum and dad have been my rocks.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 05/11/2012 13:38

Given that you haven't spoken to him nor has he made any approach to you for some months, it seems you may be in danger of turning this into far more of a 'drama' than it need to be.

I seem to recall that you've got some weeks before your ds is due and you're best advised to put all thoughts of his father out of your mind because he can be dealt with as and when should it be necessary after the birth.

It's possible that you'll hear no more from him, but in any event it's not a good idea to make contact with other of his family members as you did recently when you decided that his dsis 'deserved' to know about your pregnancy.

As you have no contact with him, you seem remarkably well informed to the extent that you know he lost his job 'in the week'. Who's told you this?

Original poster

whatwillitbe · 05/11/2012 15:38

I named changed and after you wrote that someone might even know who i am in RL?
By putting that post to my other name.

But anyway, My older brother told me he lost his job, he nos his friends. I know for a fact he has because the whole place has shut down.

Im very scared of what will happen when i do give birth, i wouldnt put anything past him. Hes not contacting me due to me ringing the police, he makes contact again i should ring them.

When my baby is born, he will contact me saying because its 'my baby'

OP posts:

Flip