I cant maintain any relationships.

[BooyhooRemembering]

sorry this could be long. i'm offloading and TBH feeling sorry for shitty self.

none of my relationships, with anyone last. even acquaintences (sp?). i dont have a good relationship with my parents or sister, we dont have good laughs when we get together. it's very uncomfortable when i'm there. i'm not friends with any of my (massive) extended family. i've only ever had one serious relationship that lasted 2 years. people i have been close to (friends) have either drifted away or i have distanced myself for one reason or another. i'm realising now that it's me that has a problem. they can't all be assholes. it's me. but i dont know why. and it's happening again with a person who once was my best friend. i am so lonely and i'm still finding reasons to not be as close to people. the problem is i can always justify it. why the fuck do i do this and how do i stop it? how do i overlook things that are hurtful in order to maintain friendship? should i even do that? doesn't that make me a pushover? do i either get to be a pushover or be lonely forever? i have one close friend who is the nicest person i've ever met and would never do anything to hurt anyone but i'm terrified that i will do something or take offence at something that isn't there IYSWIM. i am going to end up a lonely miserable person if i dont change. i just dont know how to change without becoming a doormat.

any advice greatly appreciated.

(sorry for being such a whinge)

My apologies - badly worded post. No offence meant - I was trying to say that on the spectrum of asperger's the OP if aspergic at all was likely to have some traits of aspergers rather than many traits. On the spectrum of normal we all occupy a different place. Apologies again.

I think there are different sorts of friends.
And different levels of friends.

I think, if say you suddenly needed a bed for the night, they would be alright about putting you up.
And others would hopefully be willing to put you up for several days.

But as our lives change, some friends become less important and others more.

But even saying that, I have people who I may not have spoken to for say 4 months, but one of us will phone to catch up [note, I am not particularyly of the facebook era!}. Just because we havent spoken for a few months, doesnt mean we are not stilll friends.

I am wondering for you, if it comes down to how hurtful these friends have been to you. In the examples you have said, it would indeed be difficult to stay friends with them.

I also think, it sometimes matters in what areas you live. If I lived in a different area, I may well find it more difficult to find good friends.
Sometimes the best places to find friends,are to have hobbies, as often, like minded people gravitiate to the same hobbies.

yes million, i have been thinking about hobbies. in the past it has been hard to attend anything regularly as i have no one to babysit but hopefully with the dcs dad being more available from next year i will be able to start doing something for me.

If you feel you are having problems with relationships, you could try and go along to a CoDA meeting (they are 12 step meetings like AA or Al Anon, but the focus is on improving relationships).

The online blurb says 'a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships. The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships.'

It couldn't hurt, it might help, and it would be a safe place to work through all those questions you posted in your OP. And the worst thing that could happen is that you go and realise that you don't have a problem after all.

I think that it is your situation that is making it harder to invest in relationships (no babysitters etc).

As life goes on friends move away or change so they have less in common. Those you work with and share hobbys with get stronger over time.

The 3 examples you gave for relationships ending were very valid ones. That a relative assaulted you and you're still asking 'is it me?' makes me think that you need to trust your instincts a bit more. You may have other issues making friends, you may have limited opportunity due to circumstances, but be wary of ignoring that inner voice telling you that certain behaviours are unacceptable.

Can I give you an alternative view before you rush and get yourself diagnosed with aspergers. Making friends and building relationships is a skill you learn in childhood from a loving nurturing family. It sounds like your family is lacking and haven't given you the tools to do this. You speak of children have you got a partner?

yy agree with Theregoesthe years - the instances of "dealbreakers" are v v justifiable that you gave.

The examples you gave would also be dealbreakers for me. Is your radar 'off' when selecting friends? I knew someone who seemed unerringly to pick friends who brought her down, had issues, weren't good for her etc.

It's a bit of a cliche, but I'd work on your self-esteem a bit. You do have to be a bit tolerant of people and their foibles, but feeling uncomfortable around people isn't part of the deal.

I relate entirely to what you are saying OP. All of what you say. I don't think I'm aspergers but I do have a toxic family. It wasn't until I was in my 30s and my horrific marriage ended that I went into therapy because my life was littered with extremely damaging relationships stretching right back. I learned a lot in therapy about my family. It was no wonder I had trouble forming healthy relationships.

If you were brought up in a family where you couldn't predict what was going to happen next, you do tend to end up seeing things in black and white. The signals in your formative years were so confusing, made no sense, had no particular pattern, that you end up categorising things to get some semblence of sanity. It can make you rigid, and confused if things don't follow a pattern.

I'd suggest therapy. Its long haul (6 weeks won't do it) but it is worth it - at least to have someone who will sit with you, supporting and validating you, while you work things through. Your examples of the reasons you have backed away from certain relationships sound completely valid. It appears you are 'choosing' relationships with the same flavour as your primary relationships, and the end result is exactly the same ie it implodes. I've heard it said we pick the same scenario in order to put it right - but this is doomed to failure as it will never be put right. We need professional help to see the patterns instilled in us that were so damaging, and to use a cliche, dysfunctional. This is the meaning of dysfunctional: when nothing made sense and the end result was chaotic, confusing and hurtful. (usually with the tag line that Its All Your Fault!)

Are there addicts in your family? eg alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex (etc etc etc - so many etcs). This is often the hallmark of a dysfunctional family.

btw I went to CoDA for a while. I think I may go back again. Tis good

Hmm. All human relationships are complex, friendships included, and we all give out subconscious signals about the sort of people we are and the sort of relationships we want. So it might well be worth talking to someone about the patterns in your life and where they come from.

In the meantime, could you focus on spending time with people just for enjoyment's sake? Friendships begin (or should begin) because two people like spending time together... often expecting too much from friends (or indeed giving too much) leads to disappointment, as they have their own lives and problems too.

ok my very good friend came over last night and we had a long chat. i told her how i'd been feeling and that i felt i might have some asperger traits. she doesn't know anything about aspergers so couldn't really agree or disagree but we got to talking about my childhood and i hit a realisation.

this has really shocked me how un-normal it is and i never really thought of it until last night. basically as a child in school my parents sneered at all my classmates. not to their faces. they were polite and sociable with teh parents they knew and would never have been rude to a child but at home, behind closed doors my dad had nicknames for all my classmates. cruel ones based on either the way they looked or what he thought of their parents. my best friend (and next door neighbour) became a source of hatred for my mum. i dont know why. at the time i honestly believed my mum that this child was as horrible as mum said she was but thinking about it now, she was a child! a girl like me aged between 5 and 10! my mum really made out she was the devil incarnate. how could she have been? it's insane that my mum hated her so much but she really did. she had a horrible nickname for her too. infact at home my parents didn't refer to my classmates by their names but the nicknames they had assigned them. i'm actually really angry about that. i was very lonely as a child and although i had brief period were i had close friendships (much like now) they didn't last and i spent many hours walking round the playground on my own. i remember feeling very low one day and mum asked what was wrong. i told her i had no friends and she said "i had no friends as a child either- you'll be fine" i'm starting to see just how much my parents frankly insane reactions to my classmates have affected how i form relationships. sorry, i'm getting really upset again now thinking about it. why on earth did they do that? it isn't normal to talk about children like that. i would never dream of nicknaming my son's friends. i dont think i even could. there's nothing negative to say about them. tehy are children. why were my parents so horrible? i'm so angry about this.

. It looks like you are at the start of a lot of new things for you.
I think you are going to find a lot of help and support on MN for all of this.

OP I thought it might be something to do with your childhood when I read your posts - I'm sorry you have come to this realisation I have started going to relate with my husband and my counsellor has explored with me similar issues (I also struggle with relationships) it has made me question all my previous relationships and why I sabotaged them...

Just had a look at the CoDA meetings as I've decided to start going again. You might give it a try Booy - it helped me immensely when I first went to meet people who had had similarly disordered childhoods and who were all battling with the same stuff, struggling with relationships, just like me. It was a revelation! Made me feel normal!

I'm sorry this recent realisation is so painful for you Booy. It might not help to say at this point that this is probably the beginning for you of making sense of all the stuff (madness) you were fed as a child.

thank you all. i've been looking for a counsellor in my area and found one who does reduced rates for people on low incomes. for some time i've felt like i could do with talking to someone professional about lots of different things but i've always just left it. now i'm thinking i really need to. i feel almost as if i dont know who i am now. as if the chance to be 'normal' or to be the real me was taken from me as a child. i'm still really angry.

springy there dont seem to be any coda meetings in NI but thank you for the link.

thank you all for taking the time to post and share. this thread has become so much more than intended when i first posted to offload.

I agree with springy that it sounds like the beginning of a process that can take some time to work through. But I wonder if you feel some relief on I'd the anger that you've it your finger on the cause?

'in amid' not 'on I'd'!

i dont know if i feel relieved. certainly a light bulb moment last night when i hit on those memories. right now i feel quite scared if i'm honest. scared that i cant fix it. quite truthfully i feel like packing up the dcs and leaving this area and having nothing to do with family anymore. i wont do that, my dcs are settled at school and their dad lives nearby but it's how i feel.

i'm going to ring the counsellor i found tomorrow and make an appointment. not looking forward to going through it all.

I remember that fear when you start to see in the Pandora's Box - brrrr. It is genuinely frightening because everything our lives have been based on suddenly looks decidedly dodgy. No wonder you feel like you want to cut and run.

Stay with it, your counsellor will bring it down to size iyswim, help to make it manageable. Counsellors are great for precisely this type of thing - they're worth their weight in gold.

yes a pandora's box, that's what it feels like i'm facing. i know there will be hurtful stuff that i've avoided dealing with. and maybe some stuff i dont even realise was an issue.

I've been through something similar and I think that lightbulb moment is a turning point, even if it feels overwhelming now and you have a lot of strong emotions rushing in. Once you've seen the situation for what it is, you can start to reconstruct your approach on your own terms.

thank you yika it definitely feels like a turning point, one there's no going back from. if that makes sense.

You can get moments where you can doubt yourself, kind of try to stuff it back in the box somehow. It may not happen with you - you may have had a blinding revelation to kickstart everything and, although it is painful and uncomfortable, you know what you've seen. sometimes though you can get a 'surely not, it can't be' as a psychological defense mechanism re you've (we've) been presented with something from the word dot and it has been presented as reality, normal. It can be very challenging when you start to see it isn't normal, that there's something really wrong with it.

How are you today Booy?