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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Big trust issues, please come and give me some wise words.

28 replies

Carmenthebarman · 30/10/2012 20:33

Ealier today my DDs were listening to music on DH's phone. I was helping them with it. When he realised I was helping he came and took the phone and said it needed charging. I saw that he'd received a facebook message from a male friend.

I went on the laptop later (DH is out now) having forgotten about him taking the phone off me. I opened facebook and his account was open so I was reminded about his earlier behaviour, I couldn't help but look at the message thread. The male friend had just announced that a weekend away (exercise related) was no longer happening and he'd try to rearrange it, My DH had sent a private message to his male friend saying "You've messed up my chances of a shag!!!!!!" I take this as DH was planning on shagging someone that weekend.

I don't know what to do. He may have cheated already. It may be an intention. It may have been bloke banter.

He's due back home about 10pm. I can't not say anything, I wear my heart on my sleeve and as I'm shaking and have cried it'll be obvious something is up.

He has previous of sending inappropriate texts to a woman and then lying about who she was.

We have two young DDs. We've been together 11 years and married 6.

Please help me get my thoughts straight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Carmenthebarman · 30/10/2012 20:57

Anyone?

OP posts:
Salbertina · 30/10/2012 21:02

Gosh, sorry to hear that.
Hard to say- cd be blokey banter...or could be for real. I think u need to gather up yr thoughts and summon up strength to confront him, otherwise you'll never know. Can you get away/talk to someone in RL? Possible exit plan short-term or get him to go if need be? Heartbreaking but may be necessary. Good luck and keep posting.

Original poster
Carmenthebarman · 30/10/2012 21:05

Thanks for replying Salbertina.

I've been scribbling my thoughts down. I can almost predict his response when I confront him. I will confront him. I can't keep this inside.

I don't think I want to talk to anyone in real life yet, until I've confronted him.

OP posts:
Salbertina · 30/10/2012 21:14

Good idea to marshall them first in writing, so thats a start. pls don't take any rubbish, however convincing or however much you want to believe it, he wont respect you for it and you wont respect yourself.
Outright denial and turning it back on you- "how can you think that of me? You should know, I'm not that kind of person" etc etc. speaking from bitter experience we are ALL capable of this, given the opportunity, motivation Sad sorry if I'm being too blunt.

OpheliaPayneAgain · 30/10/2012 21:16

Print it out.

Leave it on the side.

Say nothing. You don't need to say a word. Accusations are pointless. Wait for his excuses explanation.

Salbertina · 30/10/2012 21:18

www.shirleyglass.com/qa.htm

Bit glitzy looking, but some sound advice above, recommended before by MNers.

Original poster
Carmenthebarman · 30/10/2012 21:18

I find confrontations so very very difficult. No matter who they're with. I just can't think things through quick enough and say what I want to say. Too much adrenalin no doubt.

I've written some questions down:

Do you want me to trust you?
Do you want to be with me?
Is it over?

I'm so scared.

OP posts:
Salbertina · 30/10/2012 21:22

Oh, carmen. Sad sure theres no-one u can call now?
Your questions are a start but they're inviting easy slippery yes/no/of course answers.

How about rephrasing into what/where/who/why?? You need to get details to know fully what the situation is.

Salbertina · 30/10/2012 21:24

And other than ask qus, you don't have to say anything, remember. make him sweat- give yourself time, as much as you need, to respond.

Salbertina · 30/10/2012 21:28

Hey, its up to you too whether its over! Don't give away your power over this!

He's in the wrong and i doubt he really wants to risk losing you and dd

Original poster
Carmenthebarman · 30/10/2012 21:31

I've printed it out. Not sure about leaving it on the side.

OP posts:
OpheliaPayneAgain · 30/10/2012 21:36

carmen getting into a stew wont do you any good whatsoever.

You either shove it under his nose and get it out in the open or you fold it up and put it away, fester, look at it, wind yourself up and live miserably.

Original poster
Carmenthebarman · 30/10/2012 21:39

Thanks Ophelia.

Laptop is open at the page I found. I'll leave it that way til he gets in.

OP posts:
totallyoutnumbered · 30/10/2012 21:40

Oh Darling,
I am so sorry this is happening to you. This has happened to me in the past with an ex (no point in going into detail) you don't have long until he's home.

I completely agree with Salbertina. It is totally up to you where this goes. He should not have any right to be angry with you. I think unless you can face being strong with him tonight you somehow have to keep a lid on things until the morning or when you can confront him (without DD being there of course). I too have no poker face so I understand how hard this would be but I don't think you should give him the heads up in writing. You need to see the whites of is eyes when he explains himself.

I wish I had more time to type but am conscious you don;t really have long. Please try not to act in haste. If you can gather more evidence and talk it through with a friend or us of course you may get a better picture of what is going on.

Sometimes I think you have to play the long ball to avoid him just explaining it away.

Stay strong (big hugs) x

Chaoscarriesonagain · 30/10/2012 21:44

Horrid. I really feel for you OP. I too have discovered ex bf's 'interesting choice of words' between fb friends. Although I have to say nothing was ever proven and dismissed as 'nothing'.

The only thing I would say is what a very wise Irish friend said to me and it goes 'if it looks like a rat, and it smells like a rat what do you think it is?'

Of course I chose to ignore my gut, but you trust yours..

Original poster
Carmenthebarman · 30/10/2012 21:48

Since I found inappropriate texts to a woman many years ago, the trust for me has never fully returned.

He still texts her.

I know because I look at his texts. He usually deletes them. Sometimes he forgets. I recognise the number on his phone bill. This woman is different to the one he may be planning to or has shagged.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 30/10/2012 21:50

Is the man definitely a man? My ex used to have his girlfriend's phone number under a man's name.

Original poster
Carmenthebarman · 30/10/2012 21:52

Yes, the male friend is definitely a man.

OP posts:
Original poster
Carmenthebarman · 30/10/2012 21:53

Furthermore he's a married man who DH recently told me is having an affair with a married woman.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 30/10/2012 22:21

OP, you have to speak to him. I'm really sorry you're in this situation - it sounds really awful. Would you trust him to tell you the truth? I have to say I wouldn't.

Original poster
Carmenthebarman · 30/10/2012 22:32

Confronted him. Left laptop open.

He said it was just a bit of banter between him and friend. I stayed silent. He went on to say he knows lots of blokes who would be happy to ruin their families for an affair. He says there is no way he'd do anything to jeopardise what he has.

Not sure where to go from here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Carmenthebarman · 30/10/2012 22:33

I'm going to bed now. Thanks for your support this evening.

OP posts:
WhoNickedMyName · 30/10/2012 22:37

He says there's no way he'd do anything to jeopardise what he has...

Yeah right, except send inappropriate texts to another woman and continue to text her years later Hmm

Lovingfreedom · 31/10/2012 00:42

Think you assume your intuition is right unless you get a very very convincing explanation. The wording speaks for itself. Your DH has form and so does this other guy. Not looking good sorry to say. Well...at least thst he was hoping for a shag. There's no guarantee there that he would have managed to get one...

SleeveOfWizard · 31/10/2012 00:51

I'd install a key logger and keep a very close eye on what he is up to online. Sorry you are going through this. Everyones worst nightmare.