Is being an avoider a marriage deal breaker?

[mulranno]

Been with my dh for 26 years have 4 kids. He is very mild mannered, intelligent and a devoted (but ineffectual) father. We get on fine when life is rosy but when life is tough his modus operandi (?) is head in the sand, avoider.

I get left to research and make all of the hard complex decisions which leaves me feeing both over loaded and soley responsible which is very pressurizing -- he is still like a teenager when it comes to money, finacial decisions, emotional/educational decisions around the family. He chooses not to get informed so I am unable to sense check anything with him or get any support or direction or feel that anything is a joint decision. He shows no interest in what I am trying to achieve.

On the emotional/health side when I had severe pnd after my 3rd child in 3 years he just chose to spend all of his time out of the home -- he was out 4 nights a week at either football, tennis, committee meetings etc. When he was home (Fri and Sat nights) he drank very heavily, fell asleep and was "not available" as he was just so distant and introverted with major hangovers.

I was left to manage all 3 babies alone night after night which caused me to be really angry. We went to relate as I resented this behaviour but they "framed" it as his way of coping so I forgave him. However we have since had 3 further major crises - another pnd, devastating sudden death of my mother and a most recently a major financial crisis which has endured for 18 months and requires house and schools move to resolve. The last two have tipped me back into depression. Again on all of these crisises he has not "been there" in any capacity. I have had to grieve alone (he was quite flippant about my grief) and have spent the last 18 months sorting overdrafts, loans, remortgages, school appeals, bailing out his company etc with zero interest or support from him. Additionally 2 of our 4 children are very challenging. My teenage son is aggressive and hits me whilst my husband stands by and watches, my daughter is sen also with severe bahavioral issues and her school and emotional health are another demand of my time. I am going thru a major depressive episode at the moment and exhausted. I just feel what is the point. Time and time again he doesnt step up. I feel disrespected and neglected

My husband came to the station and I will ensure that he tells my son that WE reported him, and WE will take him to the police for his interview on Sunday....that's the least he can be expected to do at this stage.

the police really said that to you ?

what victim-blaming bollocks (that policewoman is short of some training, IMO)

ignore that shite and keep pushing forward with what you know is right

She was about 12 with the IQ of a paper cup - and she had missed the point that that is exactly what I was in fact doing sitting in front of her at the station - reporting a crime to ensure the appropriate consequences/punishments are put in place.

We have just told our son - my husband did the talking. Son has kicked off verbally and got up to push us out of his room before holding back. lost the plot when we said we had involved school and said he is never going back.

Keep pushing onwards, love. Is your H coming through a bit, do you think ?

Did she perhaps expect you to beat your son to 'show him who is boss'.

I don't understand that comment from her at all, obviously never had a useless H and son herself.

Glad you could see she wasn't that bright

Wow what a stupid police officer. I would report that. It's not like you've gone to them at the drop of a hat it's kind of a last resort because your son won't listen to you and thinks violence against others is an acceptable form of behaviour - like you've taught him that? Dumb woman it makes you despair.

I'm sorry it was so tough on you to tell your son. And I'm glad the H did the talking and you were both able to put on a united front even if he resorted to being physical again. The school sound excellent. What he has to understand is that if he doesn't go then police and school will just go to him. There is no escape when he behaves the way he has done. Actions have consequences. I think you're being a great parent there are many who would not do what you're doing to the detriment of their family's and others safety.

Being a teenager sucks I would never want to go there again so I do feel for your son too. It's not easy is it :( hope you are bearing up OK.

Nice move in victim-blaming there, policewoman! [ngry]

This is a very good demonstration of what happens when only one parent does the disciplining and the other just lets them get away with pretty much anything - the children believe they CAN get away with pretty much anything because the disciplinarian has been totally undermined and so has no respect from, and therefore loses authority over, the children.

Policewoman = idiot for saying that to you. Report her.

OP, a 12 year old policewoman told me I was "overreacting" when I called them here after my ex punched me in the face, threw me to the floor and then repeatedly kicked me between the legs whilst wearing shoes.
Please do not let her stupidity put you off doing what you know is right.

Thumbwitch, that is spot on.

Ursula, that is disgusting!! - I hope you reported that one too!

I have finally got h to agree to move out M-F for the next 4 weeks - he can move back in on the weekends and I will stay at my sisters.

I achieved this by giving him an ultimatum that if he didn't move out by tomorrow evening I would leave with the younger children.

It has taken me 3 long weeks of digging in my heels to get to this point.

He finally put in a consequence for my son earlier this week - 15 days after the assault telling him that he would not now be allowed out until he wrote me a letter of apology.

He has not done this yet and I know he has plans to go out this evening. I mentioned this to my husband - and his first response was well I wont be here to stop him as I am going out.....followed up with do you think we should let him off the letter writing and let him go out tonight as it will do him good to see his friends as he will be under so much stress with the police etc..........................WTF!

Well done to the first bit

< screeeam > at the 2nd bit

is your h actually stupid in the correct medical sense of the term ?

OMG. Your utter twat of an H has no fucking clue or backbone at all, does he. WHAT a wanker.
I think you should still leave with the younger children, tbh. Leave your son with his father and see how they both get on together (I know that's neither helpful, sensible nor realistic but God, I'd be tempted.)

what a nightmare

So pleased that you are being strong. Its sounding like your H has already left your family if he's going out tonight instead of supporting you - this is one of the most important weekends in your families life.

(((Hugs)))

The letter of apology has arrived, all is calm.

Son wants his deluded 78 year old alcoholic grandmother (MIL) to attend the police interview tomorrow morning as his "appropriate adult" - husband and I are not allowed to as we are witness and victim in the incident. This has me roaring inside with laughter (think gallows humor must kick in when under real stress) - she will rock up in her furs and diamonds, spouting nonsense, stinking of booze giving them a piece of her mind.

But I have this overall sense of relief and excitement that my husband is moving out...is that wrong?

On a completely practical level, if either your H or your ds go out tonight, neither will be present when the police turn up tomorrow.

No, it's not wrong, it is as it should be.

He's not "moving out" though, is he ? Or did I get it wrong. I am presuming the Mon-Fri bit is in the interim while you get a divorce and sell the house ? Or is it a permanent arrangement ?

tribpot - not sure what you mean? We have to take our son to station tomorrow am.

Mist - he has not agreed to anything for the last 3 weeks -until I suggested this interim measure - giving me 4 weeks space to gain some perspective. Will cross the next bridge when we get there. He seems to think that I cant cope without him.

Ha! They all think that . And tbf for a long time I thought I wouldn't cope without my FW. I was wrong, and you know you'll cope.

I cant cope with him

OK, love. Just looking out for you. Keep your eye on what you want long term. I hope it is him out of your life

You will cope without him, of course you will. These deluded twats are the ones who won't cope without their emotional punchbags.

Exactly so mulranno. I couldn't cope with him there, but didn't realise the problem was him not me!

Thanks Mist...I will be fine and once I taste freedom (we will have been together 30 years next year - met at school).....I will be fine. Excited already. He is moving in with his deluded alcoholic mother - she said she has been aware that "things were not right" for some time - she also suggested that my 15 year old leave with them too....over my dead body

Just read your thread and wanted to say, as a teacher at secondary school, that your are not alone in this happening and that you have been very brave indeed.

Hope the weekend goes well