Is being an avoider a marriage deal breaker?

[mulranno]

Been with my dh for 26 years have 4 kids. He is very mild mannered, intelligent and a devoted (but ineffectual) father. We get on fine when life is rosy but when life is tough his modus operandi (?) is head in the sand, avoider.

I get left to research and make all of the hard complex decisions which leaves me feeing both over loaded and soley responsible which is very pressurizing -- he is still like a teenager when it comes to money, finacial decisions, emotional/educational decisions around the family. He chooses not to get informed so I am unable to sense check anything with him or get any support or direction or feel that anything is a joint decision. He shows no interest in what I am trying to achieve.

On the emotional/health side when I had severe pnd after my 3rd child in 3 years he just chose to spend all of his time out of the home -- he was out 4 nights a week at either football, tennis, committee meetings etc. When he was home (Fri and Sat nights) he drank very heavily, fell asleep and was "not available" as he was just so distant and introverted with major hangovers.

I was left to manage all 3 babies alone night after night which caused me to be really angry. We went to relate as I resented this behaviour but they "framed" it as his way of coping so I forgave him. However we have since had 3 further major crises - another pnd, devastating sudden death of my mother and a most recently a major financial crisis which has endured for 18 months and requires house and schools move to resolve. The last two have tipped me back into depression. Again on all of these crisises he has not "been there" in any capacity. I have had to grieve alone (he was quite flippant about my grief) and have spent the last 18 months sorting overdrafts, loans, remortgages, school appeals, bailing out his company etc with zero interest or support from him. Additionally 2 of our 4 children are very challenging. My teenage son is aggressive and hits me whilst my husband stands by and watches, my daughter is sen also with severe bahavioral issues and her school and emotional health are another demand of my time. I am going thru a major depressive episode at the moment and exhausted. I just feel what is the point. Time and time again he doesnt step up. I feel disrespected and neglected

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

Don't cancel the meetings.

[amumthatcares]

OP, I don't have any experience of your situation but have read your thread all through.

I agree with all the advice to take action regarding your son. I don't see it as punishing him - more as helping him. If nothing is done now, as has been said, he will think his actions are acceptable and how would you feel in 10-15 years time when his wife turns up on your doorstep because he's battered the sh*t out of her, or worse still, one of his children? Tough love called for here.

Good luck mulranno - you've come such a long way ((hugs)) to you

[mulranno]

I agree - I firmly believe that I am helping him out -- I think that he has a lot of other stuff on his plate right now and he just needs to learn to respond to stress and express his anger in different ways. I do believe I am doing the best thing for him with the police and school in the short and long term. School have been very supportive.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Yes of course go on with the meetings. They are a consequence of his actions, and are designed to address those actions, and to help him. And an apology is not a pass to being let off consequences. I would accept his apology at face value and not press for more.

And he may be quite right that he cannot promise what control he has over future actions. But you are getting him help with that.

[tribpot]

I think it's great that the school are on your side. They understand the consequences too and also only want what is best, not easiest, for your ds.

Good for you, mulranno.

[temporarilyjerry]

He refused to give me any eye contact or to communicate further when I asked if he would never do it again and said that I was deliberately winding him up and provoking him.

This is very worrying, Mulranno. "You made me do it" is the justification of every abuser. Hopefully, your son will get the help he needs.

Good luck and

[cjel]

Morning MULRANNO, I have been thinking of you this morning. Hope the appointment was OK?x

[mulranno]

I think that I have opened the can of worms that I didn't want to. Saw police today - they are proceeding whether I provide a written statement or not. They consider it a low level common assault but will progress it because I mentioned numerous previous attacks which left bruising. Likely to get some sort of caution which will be on file for CRB checks - although no further action is another possible outcome. They will formally interview him on Sunday morning with a solicitor and another appropriate adult present (we can be there). Think that I wish I had spoken with the school first. Not sure when and how to tell him. But I do know that he has done something very wrong and even worse is that he cant see it. I hope this doesn't tip us all over the edge. I also have my husband pleading for me not to make him move out.

[mulranno]

we cant be there

[FunnyRunner]

OP so sorry you are having to go through this. The way you have to look at it is: you are teaching your son that people (especially women) are not there to be punching bags every time he feels angry or down. This is a lesson that will hopefully keep him on the straight and narrow for the rest of his life.

Don't be afraid to use this as a watershed moment to get your son / family into family therapy. You have done the right thing.

[cjel]

So sorry Mulranno. Please be assured that although his is a horrid time for you all, you are doing the right thing for all your family. The police was the right choice for you don't be scared of them they are kind and right ,and with the help of them and the school jointly you will get the help you want. Stay strong.xxx

[IrishBloodEnglishHeart]

Oh God this sounds so terribly hard for you but remember your son punched you to the floor. He has a record of physical attacks on your person, nothing has stopped this before and so now something has to be done.

Absolutely agree with previous poster who says this could be a watershed moment. I have recently been in an entirely different situation but one which I thought could only end up in disaster and grief. It didn't, it took time but it worked through with some surprising and positive outcomes. With the right approach this could work out well for you. I just hope your husband can rise to the challenge.

Sending you strength and positive vibes through the ether xxxx

[Thumbwitch]

Awful though it is, that it has come to this, what is worse is that your son has felt able to behave like this because his father pretty much condones the behaviour.

While it might not exactly feel like it just now, you are doing him a massive favour in showing him that not only is his behaviour unacceptable, it is criminal and he needs to get control of it NOW before he gets much older.

I hope it also shows his father how fucking slack he has been to allow this to continue unchecked; as clearly your son doesn't value your input to the situation.

[amumthatcares]

Please try to stay strong mulranno You have most definitely done the right thing even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Initially, things might well get worse before they get better but in the long run it will have been the best thing you could do for your son. One day he will realise that.

Your husband should be ashamed of himself.....it's as much his fault as anyones that it has come to this. If he had stepped up and been the 'man' of the house a long time ago, it would more than likely have been nipped in the bud a long time ago.

[livingzuid]

OP my heart goes out to you. You have totally done the right thing by speaking both to the police and the school. You waste of space husband has for years completely undermined any authority you had which means it has had to come to this. I will eat my hat if he ever admits to shouldering any responsibility for this though.

God I feel for you. I had 8 years of people telling me how lovely and gentle my ex was. It left me a shadow of myself. No children fortunately or it would have been a disaster. I hope you manage to get out of the relationship soon. It's unbelievably stressful what you are having to go through I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself.

I would move out and leave him to deal with it. Let him extert himself for once and deal with reality. Take a break for yourself.

[hellsbellsmelons]

That can absolutely had to be opened.
He's done it before and he'll do it again unless action is taken against him.
You can't do it as it will just escalate and your useless H doesn't do anything.
You know you have done the right thing.
And if you can, I'd get away for a bit with the younger DC.
Is this something you can do?
You need some space now.

[tribpot]

OP, you can't be the avoider on this. I know he's your baby but he's also a troubled teen, and he needs to know that actions have consequences. To teach him otherwise is a failure in a parent (exhibit A: your husband).

You need to get your husband out. No more pleading - he gets himself gone.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

The fact that you say your son sees he has done no wrong is exactly why this can needed openijg very wie indeed

The sad thing though I can see happening is that your worry about your son, and the consequences of his actions are taking your eye off the main ball. The fact that you all need to get the fuck away from your husband.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

*wide

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

I am willing to bet that if you were away from the invertebrate husband for a significant length of time and the dust settled, everyone in the family was able to draw breath and relax with each other, your 'depression' and all the attendant 'rages' etc. would magically disappear!
I feel angry just reading about him OP. Living with him must be pure hell. I have a family member that has abdicated responsibility and doesn't engage with her life at all, in a similar way to your waste of space so called husband. It causes massive problems around her but she doesn't care, she isn't ill, she just cannot be bothered to make any effort whatsoever. You are probably not ill at all, just repressing totally, the urge to beat the bastard with a barb wire paddle!

[mulranno]

I know that I have done the right thing for my son - he has no remorse and continues to justify it. School have been great - they will put in pastoral care from male head of year - to give - quote "fatherly direction on how to be an appropriate young man" and counselling to deal with anger. School said that police would most likely involve them - they have not mentioned this as yet and are taking a tough line with my son. I am prioritizing my son's future and standing strong, anticipating a shit storm this weekend. No idea how I will get my husband to move on.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

It says it all when they have to appoint someone in school to do what your stupid husband should be doing.

[mulranno]

Agree - Mist - but the police(woman) said that I was his parent too and should have stepped up and disciplined him as well for attacking me - and that I was wrong to expect my husband to do it.

[tribpot]

Your son may choose to side with his father, who is taking the path of least resistance. Please don't think this means you have got it wrong.

[Onefewernow]

You do indeed need to get away from your H.

I suspect he takes some pleasure in the fact that your kids hit you.

The house is totally out if control because he won't step up, he undermines you, and finally you fail to cope. As a result of all this, they can't cope. Not that their violent solution is the answer.

You need to get your H out. HE is the main problem . You can also restore respect to yourself in this way, believe me.