H still blanking me completely after nearly 4 weeks .... he must really think I am worth less than nothing??

[feelokaboutit]

This is my original thread describing what happened thread.

Is it possible that I deserve this behaviour because he is so upset?????

Don't really think I can carry on in this fashion.

Did you read the book I suggested in your other thread?

Nothing. Probably in the state he is in now, tell me to go away in no uncertain terms.
The reason I don't sleep in the same room as him is that I often found/find him rude/bad tempered/critical and pull away out of a sense of outrage/self protection. When I think of some of the incidents, it still makes me angry now.
People aren't coming over. Two of my good friends left England during the summer. We are becoming more isolated. I used to invite a lot more people over for playdates etc... but am feeling incapable of reverting to my old self.
There is a long history of critical/scornful behaviour on his part. Some of his resentments are legitimate. I still think he can be very damning of people - he fell out with my sister over two years ago and has hardly spoken to her since.
I doubt very much he loves me at the moment. Whether he did before or not I am not sure. He is definitely very self contained and does not really need me.

Why do you think you would become a wreck on separating? You might in fact find it a huge relief to be away from such an abusive man and be able to live your life and invite your friends into your home again.

How much longer do you want to go on living this half life?

Change is scary sometimes but life is all about change. He isn't ever going to make the decision for you, the only person who can do it is you.

"If you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll keep on getting what you've always got."

I haven't amillion. I did take a look at excerpts of it on amazon but didn't go as far as buying it
I agree that some / a lot of our problems may have stemmed from misunderstandings and yes, there are quite a few things I wish I had done differently.
On the other hand, I am finding it difficult to forgive h for the moments when he really shouted over something ridiculous or behaved sarcastically / belittled me.
I have spent many a weekend feeling like a spare part and waiting for the week to start.

Sorry choo, missed your post. I fear becoming a wreck because I would have to leave which would mean temporarily renting somewhere in the hope that I could then have "half" the house. This would mean taking the kids with me and trying to negotiate when we both saw them with somebody who would have even more of a reason to hate me. Not to mention how devastated the kids would be by all of it.
What I would really like is for h and I to get on and the kids to be happy with both of us.
Though I do agree that being away from being stonewalled would be lovely.

Nothing is going to change until you change it.

I would advise
1.buy and read at least some of the book. Should help,but maybe not as much as you would like.
If that doesnt work
2.Go away for a few days.
After that3.Come back on here again.

Unless you change or do something different it is going to be same old,same old.

Yes I know. However I do wonder why that is? Why is it that h could seemingly sit there being the same (ie. only talking to the kids) for the foreseeable future, without seeing the need either to fix what is wrong between us or to suggest we separate. Why is it left to me? (genuine question)

Ok amillion. I will buy the book. Thank you.

Why would it have to be you and the children who left the house?

Would it matter so very much if he chose to hate you because you made the very sensible choice to leave him? Who cares what he thinks?!

He's probably happy with the status quo which is why it's up to you to change it. By "it" I mean your life, I do not mean him.

"What I would really like is for h and I to get on and the kids to be happy with both of us." - This is just not possible with the H that you have though. Can you see what a unrealistic fantasy this is?

I have been wondering that too.
My guess is that he is actually very unhappy inside.
And not just about the marriage,but all the other fallouts he has had as well.
It cant be doing his health any good.

Like you say,he does probably like the control,but it comes at a very heavy price.
He must know that there are problems with how he chooses to live his life.
But presumably he prefers how it is to the alternative,of actually trying to fix it all. I also guess that he feels quite unable to fix it all.

i also think,fwiw,that he doesnt want to seperate,either because of the control element,or because he does actually love you [I hesitiate to say this bit as it could make you put up with things like they are for another few years],probably a bit of both.

I am not a professional btw,as one MN thought I might be!

Oh feelok, you are far too nice! Blaming yourself, trying to find reasons for this behaviour...the reason is he's a controlling, abusive, sadistic dick!

Not only does he not care about your feelings, he's getting some kind of warped pleasure out of torturing you.

Your dc are picking up on this.

It's been 4 weeks. What's your limit? 6 weeks, 8 weeks? Looks like you're in for a great Christmas

The thing about separating is that I cannot imagine how devastating it might be for us not to be together all the time - either h and the kids or me and the kids.... The break up of a family is traumatic I think, even if there isn't enough love between the parents. Also it is the total unknown - who knows what might happen or whether h might go for full custody - for example - I doubt it but it's this kind of thing which makes me very frightened.

(1) Do you honestly think the children do not notice that your H hasn't spoken to you for weeks and that you don't sleep together?

(2) Has he ground you down so much that you think he would get away with accusing you of hoarding and thus be able to take the children from you? What you keep is what 99% of other women keep -- little pictures and things the children make. This man sounds so up himself that if it wasn't the artwork, etc., it would probably be your weight or the way you cook or how you parent the children that he chose to use against you.

(3) Has he ground you down so much that you cannot imagine that you, a grown up, could live on your own and manage? Hundreds of thousands of single mothers manage. Some are only teens. Please take courage. You can do this. Yes it is unknown, but do you honestly think the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know?

(4) You are not functioning well now because of the presence of your H. If he were to go or if you were to move out your life would change massively for the better. It is impossible to function well while you are being 'weirdly humiliated' as you put it. When your tormentor is gone you will feel a million times better. You are being belittled and shouted at and criticsed even when he deigns to speak to you. This is all traumatic and very stressful and the only cure is to separate. Staying together means you will remain very paralysed and fearful.

You say your sister lives up the road but she is busy. I think what you mean is that you have not really told her what your life is like and you are afraid to break the news to her. Does she have any idea what is going on? If she doesn't know, you need to tell her. Write it down if necessary.

Please put one foot in front of the other and try to trust that the direction of OUT OF THE MARRIAGE is the only way to go, and that you can do it.

Your H is getting off on spitefulness That is how he can keep up the isolation. This is an ego trip for him. He is a cold and brutal person and nothing will ever change him.

Math you have articulated what I was thinking but not managing to say.

Feelok, a member of my team at work sent me to Coventry after I justifiably spoke to her about her behaviour in work. She was so convinced of her righteousness that she drew other members of the team in too. After a week I called her on it and said I was happy to draw a line under it but she needed to behave professionally from that point on. She didn't. She got sacked after another week of it.

The point of me telling you this is that it is unacceptable behaviour that is not toleratd in the workplace, to the point of dismissal. Why should you put up with it from someone who supposedly loves you?

feelok have you read this thread? Some useful advice for you on there.

oh darling I have been on the receiving end of this - it is horrible and abusive and really messes with your head. Leave him. I did. I´m ok now. It´s taken MONTHS. x

I am in a very similar situation to you, Feelok, and have recently turned a corner where I feel my over-riding fear is being without the children for 50% of the time and also having to deal with splitting up time with them at Christmas etc. I am also a SAHM and my partner can be very awkward and aggressive so the discussions we have had in the past about splitting up have almost scared me to death (not for fear of him being physically violent but the sheer threat of how little I would see kids, how horrible he would be to me, etc).

However, I feel one or two other posters are minimising this by putting this problem down to him having them every other weekend or something. I know how you feel - it's a terrible reality check to think you may not actually have access to your own lovely children for literally half of the time. I have started to come to terms with all of this (we haven't actually split yet but this is becoming more likely in the near future) by hoping that I can just make sure I spend really good, quality time with them when I do have them. Also that realistically I reckon I would have them with me 4 days out of seven every week (or, as you say, in a routine that was workable for the children). And, to be honest, when I worked full time, I was frequently not seeing them before I left in the morning or before they went to bed - and it didn't make me feel less of a mother to them.

I am really not minimizing your fears - god knows, I am still terrified at the thought of the effect this will have on my children. But I have slowly come to believe that, ultimately my partner and I separating will be better for the children and for both of us adults because we are not very nice to each other - and a lot of the time that is in front of them.

But 50% of the time for each parent isn't the norm, even though it is becoming more common, particularly not if one of the parents is a SAHM.

The law in this country as I understand it (and I'm no expert) is focused on the best interests of the children, not their parents, and that would mean keeping their lives as much the same as possible. So, if they currently spend much more time with one of their parents than the other then if their parents split it would follow that that parent would have more time with them.

It doesn't matter how much of a shouty angry entitled bully your husband is and what threats he makes to you about taking the children, it doesn't follow in reality. And once you're divorced, you don't have to have any more contact with him so it limits his possibilities of being horrible to you.

I imagine in both of your cases bakingbetter and feelok your husbands will kick up a stink and make divorce harder than it needs to be, but you will get through it and the other side will make it all worth while.

ChooChoo - I feel a bit thick now, but I hadn't actually thought of it like that. You've really cheered me up, thank you! Sorry to hijack.

Probably worth having a chat with a solicitor to find out officially where you would stand.

Sometimes a spouse who is very much up him or herself gets an almighty comeuppance when a judge smirks at their whining and self indulgent phoniness and makes it clear they are having none of it. There are people who sincerely believe they are 100% right all the time and how could anyone see things any differently -- it's a massive surprise when all they get is a raised eyebrow and nothing more from a solicitor or from a court. These people can even have their unfortunate spouses convinced that everyone is on their side, the law is with them, their future is bleak, etc.

... their spouse's future is bleak,,,