H still blanking me completely after nearly 4 weeks .... he must really think I am worth less than nothing??

[feelokaboutit]

This is my original thread describing what happened thread.

Is it possible that I deserve this behaviour because he is so upset?????

Don't really think I can carry on in this fashion.

No, he doesn't have any respect for you at all - he's the only person in his universe worth a thought.

So stop trying to take responsibility for his moods - you'll never, ever be good enough for him - because he'll keep changing the goalposts to keep you on your toes.

The good news is - you'll be so much better off without him. You'll rediscover your confidence, your friends will be happy for you, your children of you have any will be more relaxed.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme so you don't get caught in a trap like this again?

MY husband used to do this complete strops and huffs for weeks last 1 was about a year ago, I ended up saying if you dont find me worthy to talk to then it is probably best I left I wasn't doing an empty threat either , we did talk and argues about his sulks , he will still take a huff if he is annoyed but it doesnt last days/weeks as it did before,

Oh and i just read on His ego isn't fragile his ego is fine he is acting all insulted because he believes you dented his HUGE ego he isn't a fragile flower he is an arse,

How do you feel about leaving him?

I could not live with a sulker.

But aside from that, I saw your other thread, it's obvious how unhappy you are.

I think your marriage is over.

Hi

Thanks for your messages.

It has occurred to me that when he used to go into sulks in the past (though at that time they were shorter lived) he used to come out of them if people came over or the general atmosphere changed. We seem to live a much more isolated life now with less opportunity for people to come over and change the atmosphere. I guess also that our problems have deepened, hence the much longer sulks!

I am scared of leaving him. Mainly because I don't want our children to have to split themselves in two and be sort of alone in the face of the fact that their parents cannot stand each other. Am also very scared of what not being with them all the time would be like and what form that could possibly take. Finally am scared of h being even more difficult to communicate with than now, which is probably what would happen.

We are no longer going to counselling together but our counsellor wrote a letter to both of us saying that we could go for a joint last appointment on November the 5th. H had probably seen this letter. I then asked him on the phone today if he wanted to go to that appointment and he said there was no point and I could play that game if I wanted to .

I don't know, I cannot believe I am in this situation.

sometimes situations creep up without us noticing we live with things we would tell others to get out , I cant say if your marraige is over or not , it does sound like he is so sulky and grumpy that he cant be bothered and perhaps he expects you to agree with him you were in the wrong, children deserve parents who are happy I don't think either of you are happy yet living in a house together the strain must be awful ,

'That game' is him having to face up to his own immature, controlling and inadequate behaviour and he does not want to, because he thinks the world should revolve around him and his feelings and needs. All the silences and sulking are designed to stop any genuine, mature, adult, EQUAL communication and working-through of things, because his ego cannot handle being expected to lower himself to be an equal instead of a superior. Ironically, of course, all this is because he is deeply inferior.

OP, flip this on its head: he has said many hurtful things to you - do you sulk, refuse to speak to him, blank him, hiss immature nonsense about game-playing and so on? Of course you don't! No normal, mature adult, who could give even the tiniest shit of consideration for their partner and family would do so. It's really damaging for your Dc to see this behaviour and have to tolerate it and therefore normalise it. Witnessing control and abuse that they do not see sorted out or are removed from is basically training for children to become future abusers or victims.

You know you wouldn't behave the way he does, so do not for one second accept the LIE that anything yoi have said has made him act this way. Only he is responsible for his behaviour and he is quite obviously CHOOSING all this nonsense because it works for him. He's upping his game now because he sees you're getting to the end of your tether with it and so he needs to be more extreme. You and your Dc deserve so much better. You being split up will be so much more better for them. Staying with this twat is so damaging for them.

Yes it does sound as though he thinks you're "Worth less than nothing", but you don't have to think that about yourself do you?
Please don't try to "break the ice" by making sexual advances. Whilst he's busy sulking and blanking you, get on with making arrangements to leave, get out ASAP and start living your life.

Thx. It is certainly true that he does not want an equal relationship. Certainly not equal in the way I understand the word. On the other hand, I have undoubtedly hurt his feelings and done my fair share of things (in the past) to damage things between us. His critical, short tempered nature and his tendency to sulk, however, is not something I have caused.

In the meantime, I googled sulking husbands and found quite an interesting page from The Guardian, 2003 - link.

Agree about the goalposts moving and never being good enough damefanny

To be honest, if I were you, I would just see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings, citing unreasonable behaviour (as it IS unreasonable to not speak to your spouse for a month) or irretrievable breakdown of marriage, or whatever it is called.

It also seems quite obvious to me that he does not want to be with you. He does not want to save the marriage. He is possibly just waiting for you to end it.

Can we go back a few steps? You mentioned that he told the counsellor that the house was the root of it & you feel that he is angry that the house is not "minimalist". What is the state of the house? Maybe it's a perfectly normal small house with a bit of child clutter & a scary laundry basket & he's being a dick & refusing to pay for a cleaning lady to meet his unreasonable hoovering demands, but from what you've said I'm wondering if there is a hoarding situation or similar going on here & he is genuinely distressed by something beyond what most of us might consider normal?

Is he ignoring you just because things got heated or did he make requests that you are ignoring and you're locked in a stand off because neither will give in?

This is the only detail you have given about the cause of the problems - please don't be offended if I'm madly off the mark here!

Hi Not and Not ...

I do agree that he seems not to want to be with me - but doesn't he realise what we all stand to lose - including him??

I am a hoarder to a certain extent, yes. It is mainly things like paraphernalia connected to the children - drawings, school work, etc... which we don't really have the space for. Yes there are things he has asked me to do and we are locked in a stand off. Probably because I resent his short temper and critical nature (he used to spend every weekend endlessly criticizing), also the fact that he isn't emotionally intimate at all and spends every single spare moment at home (apart from if he is working int he garden or something like that) on his laptop.

Our house is on the cluttered side but not unlike the houses of some of my friends so in that way not unusual... I do also have very tidy friends and am really impressed by their houses.

Anyway, I am now boxing up the school work etc.... with a view to doing I don't know what to it - not throwing it away as I want to rationalise and organise it so that the kids have access to it but so that we are not overwhelmed by it.

The battle between us is largely a territorial power struggle I think.

He can be a very defensive, sarcastic character who is very independent. In many ways he does not need me at all.

My husband is cluttered.

He has his study. But the study is so messy (guess why), that he uses the entire house as storage.

The 5 first steps of the stair case contains motorbike keys, credit cards, oystercards (he has three, including one of mine he has borrowed), bicycle lock keys, ear protection, house keys, the padlock for the gym locker, his smart phone headphones, and various bits and bobs. There are always three pairs of shoes (his) in the hallway, unless I tidy them away in to the shoe cupboard. Plus motorbiking heavy boots.

The dining table contains other bits he has unpacked from his motorbike suitcase, after a business trip. The suitcase (one of the hard ones you click onto the bike seat behind him) is standing in the dining room, awaiting him putting it high up on a shelf. His suit is hanging over the dining room door, waiting for him to carry it up to his wardrobe.

His leathers are laying across a chair in our living room. Next to the sofa is a collection of power tools, a car battery charger, and a motorbike battery charger.

I have enough, tidying up after the kids. I really dont want to spend my life looking at mess created by other people that I KNOW THEY ARE CAPABLE of tidying away.

Sometimes, I feel he just does not care that I like it tidy. Other times, I wonder if he is doing it JUST to spite me.

He is however, lovely and wonderful in so many other ways, and I know he is extremely busy, working very hard. So I try ignore it.

But, if you are a hoarder, and the house is cluttered, you need to have some pretty good redeeming features, for your spouse to be able to grin, bear and overlook it....

No no, I dont mean he is justified in SULKING. I dont sulk about my husbands clutter!

Yes he is aggrieved by my clutter. However that does not change how unpleasant he can be if he wants to be. Also, he is not the tidiest of people himself. The areas of the house which are more "his" are/have often been untidy. I suppose more of "my" / (ie. the kids') clutter is in the more communal areas.

Also, who says I don't have some pretty good redeeming features . (One of them being giving my all to looking after our three kids, all born 2 years apart, the eldest of whom is now 10 and yes they are much more independent than they were, but they have all been really dependent on us - usual childhood illnesses etc....)
Undoubtedly I have made mistakes. I still think he is the kind of person who is always going to find something to complain about.
But yes, I am looking at my clutter issue squarely in the face and trying to sort it out .

What I am trying to say is that a little love and acceptance of me, instead of criticism and derision, would go a long way to making me feel able to move mountains. Instead I feel trapped and paralyzed, unable to take action.

Sulking is a way of making you come to heel- it is controlling, pure and simple.

www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Lover-Who-Sulks

As it says, pure manipulation.

Sulking and blanking you for 4 weeks because of 'clutter' or because you told him something he did not want to hear is not normal by any stretch of the imagination.

Surely your DC must have noticed what is going on? How can you both hide the fact that their parents are not speaking to each other? They must be effected by it. Kids aren't stupid. My DP's parents pretended all was well and only rowed when he and his DB went to bed. Of course they heard every word and were so relieved when they eventually separated. Because until then they felt that they had to pretend that everything was ok and that they were happy and that put a ridiculous amount of stress on a 10 and 12 year old.

I agree with many others here. This isn't a relationship that has anything left worth salvaging. I think you should cut your losses and separate. Your DC will be fine and I think perhaps you are trying to protect them from change at the expense of providing them with a stable home without all this trauma. The current situation must be bloody miserable for all of you.

Four weeks is an insane sulk, if my husband didn't talk to me for four weeks i'd be looking for a divorce lawyer.

I can understand being a bit sulky for a few days, but four weeks implies no desire at all to find resolution.

Thx. When I mentioned the previous sulks in counselling, he said it wasn't that he was ignoring me, but that he had nothing to say or didn't know how to deal with me - or words to that effect.... He has past record. He no longer speaks to my sister whom he fell out with roughly 2.5 years ago, and is also very distant from 2 of his own sisters. They are just a strange family who are able to cut each other dead (if they want to) with seemingly no ill effect on themselves. He does get on with some of his other siblings (there are 6 of them altogether) but, the men especially, are not what you would describe as talkative!!