H still blanking me completely after nearly 4 weeks .... he must really think I am worth less than nothing??

[feelokaboutit]

This is my original thread describing what happened thread.

Is it possible that I deserve this behaviour because he is so upset?????

Don't really think I can carry on in this fashion.

That is the thing, I accept my husbands clutter because I can see that he is a lovely man, he is nice and caring, and hard working.

Your husband should be able to see through your clutter and just accept it. (Unless it is awful)

But in any event, his behaviour is far worse than clutter, and he has no right to be vile to you! Sulking is awful behaviour, and quite controlling.

Which brings me back to my first post on this thread (I remember your last one a few weeks back), you dont have to accept this behaviour.

Missed your posts busters and maybe. I do feel very sad about the dc. Of course h and I are both being very nice to them and they have their daily lives to occupy them, but yes, they must on some level realize how quiet it is between h and I. If they went to a house where the parents were friendly and chatty with each other they would certainly then realize the difference .

The thing about separating is that I cannot imagine how devastating it might be for us not to be together all the time - either h and the kids or me and the kids.... The break up of a family is traumatic I think, even if there isn't enough love between the parents. Also it is the total unknown - who knows what might happen or whether h might go for full custody - for example - I doubt it but it's this kind of thing which makes me very frightened.

Yes, 4 weeks is insane. Maybe we simply don't know how to find a resolution.

I have undoubtedly been messy quint - and yes this has been hard for h. But yes this is one of the things which could be forgiven and dealt with if there was enough desire to do so on both sides.

And the thing about the whole situation which I find strange (sorry to go on and on) is that I wonder when and if h himself would actually say, no, let's call it a day - this isn't working. It seems that if it is going to happen, it is going to be left to me to do it.

I think you know it's over and that you're only there to be with the children. IMO I think you should separate; maybe a trial to begin with, with you staying in the house with the children, so that it doesn't upset them too much. A bit of distance may help you both to either realise than you can compromise and manage to keep going or that you're much better off apart. I'm sure you would have custody of the children if you're a SAHM, as that's what the children are used to.

You only get one life, remember, and it's important to make your life as happy and fulfilling as it can be. Children are very resilient, and as long as you and your DH are both there for them (albeit at different places) then there's no reason why they shouldn't grow up to be secure and happy.

Best of luck with this xx

PS I left my exH when my DD was 2 and have never looked back (14 years ago)

No, the break up of a family isn't always devastating or traumatic. Often it's the run up to it that is. And that's where you are now. The actual break up is often a relief. That's how DP describes it. He and his DB no longer had to pretend that they were deaf or blind as to what was going on, there were no more rows, no nasty silences, no more atmospheres that could be cut with a knife - and more importantly - no parents over compensating by being ridiculously nice and pretending that all the shit wasn't happening.

Maybe you have to be the adult here and say enough is enough and stop putting them through this shit. I'm sorry but you are deluded if you seriously think that they are not being affected by this. I can remember daft rows my DPs had from when I was about 8. There is no way I wouldn't have noticed that they were ignoring each other for a month. Would you really leave them in this ongoing situation rather than be away from them every Saturday afternoon or whatever when he would have access?

The thing about separating is that I cannot imagine how devastating it might be for us not to be together all the time

What do you mean, not be together all the time?

As opposed to what? What would you all miss, because it isnt the conversation!!

You can't go on like this, and as others have said this is no relationship. The counselling hasn't worked and lets face it if he finally gets over his childish behaviour you know it will only happen again when he's not happy about something.
I know its hard ank ok for others to say, because we aren't you, but you deserve far better than this.

No I mean that both h and I would have to accept some time away from the kids. Also I would feel bad if I got a whole lot of time with them and he got very little. I think shared custody is in a way a better reflection of the importance of fathers but I would also find that hard - I can't imagine not seeing my kids for up to 5 days at a time on a regular basis.
Maybe you are right boris - distance might make h and I more able to compromise (clutching at straws, but it feels desperately sad).
Maybe you are right too - buster - maybe the actual break up is a relief. I can't imagine h and I having an amicable split though.

Hi more - the ironic thing about the counselling is that it's just at this point, with h actually doing his sulking thing, that we should go back to deal with what it actually means. He doesn't want to go though. In a way it's only now that the real work of being in counselling could start. I think h would also benefit from going to see a counsellor by himself but can't see that ever actually happening.

So sorry it sounds awful. Can you go away for a few days with the kids? Say something like I'm going because this situation is unbearable and it's not fair on the kids. If there is no improvement when I come back then it may have to be permanent.

Why on earth are you wasting your time worrying about feeling bad if your H couldn't spend as much time with your DC after you separated? HE is the one driving this. HE is the one ignoring you and creating a nasty atmosphere in your home. For God's sake put your DC first and stop worrying about how he might feel. He's made his bed, tough shit, it's his choice to have spent the last 4 weeks blanking you. He quite clearly doesn't give a monkey's about your feelings or creating a happy home for your DC does he?

I think he simply doesn't realize the effect of what he is doing. Plus he probably blames me for it anyway.
Anyway, it's true, the impasse does have to be broken in some way.
I feel very sad that h and I cannot provide a loving family unit for our sweet innocent children. They so would like us to be happy together.

I might be able to go away to his family for a couple of days next week, thetrack... I am scared of the whole ultimatum thing.

I know it is scary........... Small steps then........ You need space, go for a few days blow away the cobwebs have some thinking time and plan. Read up about assertiveness whilst you are away, cuddle your children and have some fun.

I always find that if you change a situation on some way,other things change as well.
If you go away,with or without the children,and with or without you telling him anything much,things will change.
You will feel different,or he will feel different,or the children might say something etc. But something will change. And I think,change is what you need right now.

If it's any help, my situation is very similar. I've had 4 week sulks from my husband, ending when something happens to break his mood (often someone else making him even more cross than he was with me, but sometimes a nice thing). He is always critical of me, and usually also cross and nasty, mainly over the state of the house. He can't cope with untidiness, but tidiness is very low on my list of priorities.

Our children (aged under 6) are aware of the problems (on very bad occasions, their dad has addressed his complaints about me to them, telling them "Your mother's done ..." or "Your mother's a ...") They argue with him in my defence, and often ask him not to get cross. They talk to me about it, and I tell them it makes me sad, and that it is wrong for him to get cross and rude. I do say that we love daddy anyway and that he loves them very much too, which he does.

We tried a couples' reconciliation programme, which went well until near the end, when something that I said made him go in a mood, and we never put any of the ideas from the programme into practice. He won't go to a counsellor with me or without me.

So, as everyone here is posting to you, in effect there is no relationship in the normal sense (not sharing a bed, and doing nothing together unless it also involves the children).

But I have decided not to end the "relationship" for now, because 1. I don't want to be without the children every other week 2. I can't believe that for our children to divide their time in half between 2 homes and 2 separate parents would be good for them, 3. I am sure that it would be hard for them to spend every other week alone with their dad and his mood swings and tidiness obsessions (and his rudeness about me), 4. I wouldn't want to go through a nasty legal process invoking all his faults (and he mine) in a court, and 5, as you write, there is always a danger that he might bizarrely end up being given full time care of the children.

So my idea is to stay, spend a week or so away every couple of months, try to surround our children with friends and relatives who have more normal relationships. Possibly mad, but am trying that.

Good luck with your own attempts to resolve things for the best.

Yes, I think small changes are in order. Am already trying to see my way through some of the clutter. In the meantime am kind of living in limbo though as things so strange between h and I. I constantly have to face up to the reality of it if you see what I mean. Am not going back to talking (to a certain extent) but not getting on well, which is kind of what happened before.
Am sorry you are in a similar position glassyh - I recognize many of the things you say - is it always difficult between your h and you or are there harmonious times as well?

You seem to me to be a person that is frightened of any changes at all.
Do you have routines where you do certain things on certain days for example.

Having reread your posts,it also strikes me that you either talk about him or him and you.
Hardly never about yourself.
Even when talking of going away,you talk about going to his family.
Where is your family
What do you do for yourself
What about you?

No, I don't have routines for certain days - I'm actually quite chaotic ...
I'm quite nostalgic and cling to the past a little yes. I am not overly confident but do relax with friends.

I talked about h's family because they live in this country whereas my Dad lives abroad - I did bring the dc to see my Dad this summer.
I take your point that all I do is talk about h though. It's like bashing my head against the same brick wall again and again. Maybe I should place myself at the centre of my own life. However my "relationship" and how badly it is going, is very distracting.
Sitting in the same room as h, in total silence again (kids now in bed), is making me feel like I am going round the bend.

This is abusive. He sounds very angry. Tbh you sound like the only reason you are staying with him is out of fear.

I just couldn't live like this.

Why are you sitting in the same room as him?

You are giving him the opportunity to ignore you.

Why not go and have an early night, or read a book somewhere else?

What a knob.

Honestly I would be speaking to a solicitor about unreasonable behaviour.

The thing is, I don't have lots of people to lean on where I live. My sister lives up the road but is very busy with her own life and not able to support me if I become the wreck I fear I will become upon separating. My Dad lives abroad. Otherwise I have some friends but I wouldn't say they are close close.
It is true, I am scared. I also cannot take this silence anymore. Half term next week which I am glad about for the kids etc... but it also means that I don't have social interaction with other people while doing the school run or volunteering at my kids' school. All the more time to ruminate over my weirdly humiliating situation and to start feeling more and more depressed

Do you think he loves you?
You have said before that if people come over it changes the atmosphere.
Have you had people pver recently? Even the childrens friends while he is there?
tbh though,you have also said that you only sleep together in the same bed occasionally. To my mind,that is not good either. Things are not very loving are they.
What would happen if you go and put your arms around him but not say anything? what is he likely to do then.