DD and DP...problem

[backtofront]

Hi

I have posted before about my tricky relationship with DP, but this morning things took a turn for the worse in his relationship with both DD and I.

DD was supposed to go out with him today (school hols) while I went to work but didn't want to and was really crying and sobbing. It was my idea that she went with him and I tried to encourage her. He was getting annoyed by her crying and saying he had to go and would be late and it was all my fault and I had to hurry her up and she just wanted to stay and play with her friends but she told me it was because she doesn't like going out with him. I told him that he should ask himself why she had said that (it's because he is very bossy to her and tells her off in general for crying ) but he said it was my fault for trying to drive them apart . I said why don't you go and talk to her kindly and encourage her to go with you and he tried but it didn't work so he just stormed out and he's not answering texts, I haven't tried to actually phone him.

what on earth can I do? He is very sensitive about his relationship with her as she is never usually keen to go out with him without me, what else can I say except that he should ask himself why that is?

thanks in advance for your wise words of advice ...

When I read your post I thought your DP was an ex with visiting rights. Only after reading more of the thread did I realise that he is your current partner, and you're living together.

Reading it again it still sounds like your relationship (i.e. you and DP) is quite distant, is that right? Maybe I'm wrong and it's just the things you've written about this particular issue, but it sounds like you don't really see yourselves as a couple and that you're already siding with your daughter - not that that's a bad thing, but I'm curious about the dynamics of the three of you.

yes you are right NGNB, he also distances himself by doing his own thing (hobby) at the weekend which I am more than happy for him to do!

I have always sided with and protected DD, we are very close, I just thought that I had been doing a better job of shielding her than I apparently have.

He is not British and feels quite homesick for his own country. I don't like going there so he often visits his family there by himself.

Well next time he goes to visit, move out with your dd.

er, I don't want to move out, if necessary, he will have to go!

Well I agree but it's the "if necessary" that's bothering me because you seem to be the only one who can't (or won't) see that IS necessary!

I think that comment is rude and actually not true, perhaps you would care to retract it?

...and who are you to tell me to move out of my own house!

Everyone here has said he is an abuser.

More than one poster believes you should leave the relationship to protect your daughter.

You have said you will "if necessary".

I agreed that it should be him leaving.

So what would I want to retract? What is untrue?

whooaa

WM, I think you are being a bit harsh. Give the OP a chance to process things. And i say that as a grown up who was in this little girls position all my childhood and with a mother who never did a damn thing about it.

OP, you do need to think very carefully about what your priorities are here. Your ongoing relationship with your H (which sounds like shit in lots of ways...not really sure why you are hanging on to it, tbh) or your little girl's sense of safety and security. These formative years are soooo important.

I can't remember the exact quote but it goes something like "show me the child at 7 (or was it 9?, no matter) and I'll show you the man (or woman). It is true.

I am a big strong girl now in my 40's but my young adulthood was blighted by me looking for something that should have been there all along, and wasn't.

Where am I harsh? I genuinely don't see it. Perhaps it's my posting style.

walter, not your latest post but the two before that were very "spare" and a bit cold

I often get accused of the same thing (I also got a ban once for my "posting style"), so don't worry it's not just you

even I noticed you were harsh though

I'm actually quite surprised because I genuinely didn't mean to be harsh. My responses were short because I was doing other things too.

I do apologise back it wasn't my intention to be overly harsh!

This is the second time is as many days I've given someone a hard time when I haven't noticed...maybe I just leave MN. It seems to bring out the bitch in me!

no, no, don't do that

I am not the flamin' post police you know [hgrin]

I have seen your posts around and you are a no-nonsense, sensible poster, just what MN needs, IMO. Maybe soften it a bit sometimes (I don't take my own advice all the time, hence my recent ban, so not sure you should listen to me...)

Don't worry - I don't think I'd be able to stay away! [hgrin]

But yes perhaps I should soften up a bit. And calm down a bit! [hwink]