DD and DP...problem

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Hi

I have posted before about my tricky relationship with DP, but this morning things took a turn for the worse in his relationship with both DD and I.

DD was supposed to go out with him today (school hols) while I went to work but didn't want to and was really crying and sobbing. It was my idea that she went with him and I tried to encourage her. He was getting annoyed by her crying and saying he had to go and would be late and it was all my fault and I had to hurry her up and she just wanted to stay and play with her friends but she told me it was because she doesn't like going out with him. I told him that he should ask himself why she had said that (it's because he is very bossy to her and tells her off in general for crying ) but he said it was my fault for trying to drive them apart . I said why don't you go and talk to her kindly and encourage her to go with you and he tried but it didn't work so he just stormed out and he's not answering texts, I haven't tried to actually phone him.

what on earth can I do? He is very sensitive about his relationship with her as she is never usually keen to go out with him without me, what else can I say except that he should ask himself why that is?

thanks in advance for your wise words of advice ...

How weird. How old is she? Poor girl...

I can't and don't force her, I found her somewhere else to go today, but it's precisely because I DIDN'T force her that he is angry with me

She is 7...it's an intolerable situation, anytime I try to speak to him he just tells me to shut up, saying if I talk b**x, he is justified in telling me that, even in front of her

he is a monster and I am scared of him but I can't get away

If you're scared of him then your DD will be petrified. Can you call Women's Aid?

(((((OP)))))

but I don't want to go to a hostel

and thanks for the ((( )))

Can you tell us why you can't get away OP....

Do you want to stay or would you like to leave? genuine question.

TBH I wouldn't want to talk to someone that is deaf - and he is as deaf as a post.

money really, and childcare, I work full time and he collects her from school but she doesn't like him doing it

exactly ivy, I don't want to talk to him at home or in counselling, there is absolutely no point. His idea of a conversation is him telling me what I should be doing or thinking or feeling

I mean I would like to have a proper family, but it's just impossible with him...he ruins everything

although he has always pulled his weight financially, to give him his due

You would probably have more money if you split. Phone Women's aid for advice, they will not swoop down and drag you off to a refuge, but they can give you advice. They can help you solve the problems with getting away from him.
The Other piece of advice is try to read Lundy Bancroft.
You owe it to yourself and your DD to get out of this situation, you can't fix him.

If things are intolerable and you are scared then you probably should leave, if not for you then your daughters sake. I hope you dont make your daughters childhood more miserable than you really need to. She deserves to be happy, and she might end up with mixed emotions when she is older.

Can you imagine living like this for another 5 years? If not, the sooner you make a change the better.

Womens Aid will give you helpful advice, even if it is just someone to talk to, someone who has been through what you have been through.

Good luck and good luck to your daughter.

TBH I'm rather worried for your daughter and wonder why she doesn't like her own father, what has he done to her?

I think you have to respect her and not put her in harms way.

You can and must leave or accept that your daughter will have a terrible life, if you can't do it for yourself you must do it for her. I feel very bad about this.

get this

I said you cannot change him; maybe he could change himself (but he won't do that unless he hits rock bottom), but no-one can change another person.

Does he treat people at work the way he treats you and your DD?

Not sure I understand why you won't do counselling if he is willing. What could you possibly have to lose - surely the money would be worth it?

Have you asked your daughter why she doesn't like him picking her up from school, and why she didn't want to go out with him. What does she say?

If he is abusive then counselling with him is not recommended, as it can become another abusive situation and give him more ammunition for the abuse.

You know how when a woman posts on MN about her abusive husband she is warned that it is only a matter of time before he turns his spotlight on the dc ?

That.

thanks everyone, she doesn't like him because he is too bossy and tells her off for crying, which is also why she doesn't like him picking her up from school...she is otherwise a very happy girl and tbh at weekends we do our own thing with her friends and mine. However, I know that this is fundamentally damage limitation and is not sustainable.

I have been thinking about his wish for counselling and think it is a cry for help on his part, he said the other night that he is always willing to question himself, so maybe I should give him a chance. It is just that he doesn't have the personal skills to work this stuff out for himself and often just makes things worse by trying to impose his misguided ideas. Don't know if this makes sense?

I think I will try to sort out the counselling and see what happens, but not together, as I know this is a bad idea in situations like this.

many thanks again, I really appreciate your insights and support!

I think if a seven year old doesn't like her father it's a massive cause for concern. Sometimes fathers do abuse their own children and most women have no idea. (not exclusively fathers btw)

I personally think this is really weird.

she says I should divorce him (we are not married)...