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Original poster

DD and DP...problem

114 replies

backtofront · 25/10/2012 14:29

Hi

I have posted before about my tricky relationship with DP, but this morning things took a turn for the worse in his relationship with both DD and I.

DD was supposed to go out with him today (school hols) while I went to work but didn't want to and was really crying and sobbing. It was my idea that she went with him and I tried to encourage her. He was getting annoyed by her crying and saying he had to go and would be late and it was all my fault and I had to hurry her up and she just wanted to stay and play with her friends but she told me it was because she doesn't like going out with him. I told him that he should ask himself why she had said that (it's because he is very bossy to her and tells her off in general for crying Sad) but he said it was my fault for trying to drive them apart Confused. I said why don't you go and talk to her kindly and encourage her to go with you and he tried but it didn't work so he just stormed out and he's not answering texts, I haven't tried to actually phone him.

what on earth can I do? He is very sensitive about his relationship with her as she is never usually keen to go out with him without me, what else can I say except that he should ask himself why that is?

thanks in advance for your wise words of advice ...

OP posts:
PosieParker · 26/10/2012 12:42

Is he mean to her OP? Or could it be something else?

Original poster
backtofront · 26/10/2012 12:44

no I am 100% sure it is not what you suspect...just mean

OP posts:
HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 26/10/2012 12:57

Most little girls of 7 hero worship their father. There will be a reason that she doesn't like him.

I didn't like mine at that age because he treated my mother badly, and even at such a tender age I realised he was a complete fuckwit

Original poster
backtofront · 26/10/2012 12:59

well I think you've nailed it there happy...I am actually feeling guilty now for not acting earlier and for having prolonged her unhappiness...

OP posts:
Trifle · 26/10/2012 13:12

You dont like him so why are you surprised that your daughter doesnt.

You say she hates him picking her up from school as he hates her crying.

Why is she crying so much ?

Original poster
backtofront · 26/10/2012 13:19

she doesn't cry that much at all, most days never in fact, but this started a couple of months ago when on Monday mornings she wasn't feeling well and didn't want to go to school... DP thought she was pretending and got cross with her at which she cried. On the first occasion she did have a sore throat and temperature so stayed home, but the following times she was a bit under the weather but not badly enough to have to stay home, so I managed to cajole her into going to school but when he picked her up he told her off for crying and "pretending" to be ill so she could stay home.

The incident yesterday morning that provoked me to post was unusual as she normally goes fairly happily with DP to work in the holidays, but was due to his telling her off for crying as per the above.

In general though he is not that nice to me and overly strict with her, and we do argue a lot cos he is unreasonable...he has to change and seems to know that...I will give him the chance and go to counselling.

One really annoying thing he does is say that he doesn't have the "problems" communicating with other friends that he has with me, and my reply is that this is because he doesn't talk to them like he does to me! Which is true

OP posts:
MouMouCow · 26/10/2012 13:43

He also doens't have the emotional attachmen the has with you. It's easy to chummy when ther eis no emotional baggage in the way!
You mention earlier that he had an abusive childhood. Isn't part of it coming out now that he is a dad? For exmpale was he allowed to cry as a child? Could he be replciating the very tihngs that hurt and damaged him? The he will need therapy on his own rather than with you. Sounds like there is work to be done on several layers here...

Original poster
backtofront · 26/10/2012 13:45

yes he really does need therapy, and I have always thought that and told him that he has never really addressed the issues caused by his parents. But he would never go by himself. I think this suggestion of counselling could be the chance for him to get the help he needs indirectly, iyswim

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/10/2012 13:59

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Joint counselling if you are thinking of that is NEVER recommended when there is ongoing abuse within the relationship. At least you realise that.

FWIW I do not think this person will ever willingly have counselling, you cannot take ownership of his problems. You cannot rescue and or save this man, you can only help your own self here.

I think your DD is very perceptive actually. You and she are both being treated with the same levels of abusive disdain and contempt.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships. Both of you are actively imparting damaging lessons to this girl. You and this man should not be together.

You and she would be better off together and without this man in your day to day lives. You are also scared of him and for good reason.

You also by staying with this individual run the risk of potentially damaging your own relationship with your DD. I state this because if you stayed with him she could well accuse you of putting him before her.

Original poster
backtofront · 26/10/2012 14:03

You also by staying with this individual run the risk of potentially damaging your own relationship with your DD. I state this because if you stayed with him she could well accuse you of putting him before her.

you know what Attila I realised this today. I am always telling her that I will always look after her but am I really? God this is awful. Do you really think that he will not change after counselling?

OP posts:
Original poster
backtofront · 26/10/2012 14:05

and yes, DD is VERY perceptive

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/10/2012 14:23

I stated that because I fear that if you were to stay with this individual your relationship with her could be irreparably damaged. She could well ask you in the longer term why you stayed and in her view put him before her.

Why has he not considered counselling before now?.

You and he should not be together now.

Abusers too are very plausible to those in the outside world; it is you and your DD at home who are copping the brunt of his abuse.

Honestly you and your DD would be better off on your own now and you need to take steps asap to end this dysfunctional relationship. This situation is untenable and what too if your DD was to tell a teacher at school about her life with Dad?.

Original poster
backtofront · 26/10/2012 14:30

but if we split what about his access to DD afterwards?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/10/2012 14:44

I would suggest that any future access arrangements to her from her Dad are done through the court system. He has been and continues to be abusive towards you both so he may not actually be granted any access at all.

Womens Aid would be helpful to you; I would urge you to speak to them.

Original poster
backtofront · 26/10/2012 14:53

But how can I prove the abuse? It will get really nasty I know.

I will call Womens Aid though

OP posts:
HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 26/10/2012 16:08

I am on my phone and shit at typing on it. Will reply when I am back the PC x

Original poster
backtofront · 26/10/2012 16:12

thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
backtofront · 26/10/2012 16:18

you know I think I really thought that I would be damaging DD more by separating her from her dad...

OP posts:
Dozer · 26/10/2012 16:25

Sounds v hard Sad

somewhere on another thread there is lots of info on making preparations to leave. Doesn't mean committing to leave, just gathering documents, finding things out etc, so that you are better prepared if you do decide to go.

Am sure the women's aid website has lots of that kind of info.

On access, property etc could you get some legal advice? And financial / benefits advice.

if you were not living with him, your DD may feel more able to be (even) more open with you about how she feels? listen to her and don't make her spend time with him if she doesn't want to, indeed if you can afford it you could organise childcare rather than him looking after her!

If you think he is abusive and that couples counselling could be counter-productive, maybe you could go to counselling on your own? And encourage him to do so. You could also organise some counselling for DD.

Original poster
backtofront · 26/10/2012 16:34

thanks Dozer - I absolutely don't MAKE DD spend time with her dad, just the minimum really, and his picking her up from school is a relatively recent thing due to a change in school. I am really trying to be sensitive about this for her sake and am very aware of the need for her to be able to tell me how she feels...do you think DD needs counselling with someone outside the family too?

OP posts:
Mayisout · 26/10/2012 17:51

Ask him if he ever smiles at her.

Probably not. My DH has/had this gruff annoyed exterior - brought up not to show emotions. But was proud of the DCs in his way.

You could point out to him that if DD and he never smile or laugh together then she might feel he doesn't like her, hence her not wanting to go with him. Perhaps he will make an effort to be nicer.

If he is still harping on about something that happened that morning or even before that, her being ill to get off school, when he meets her later in the day he is treating like an annoying work colleague not a little girl who will have forgotten all about the morning's events in the whirl of her school day.

He is the one who will miss out in the long run if he doesn't try a bit harder, you could point that out too.

Tell him he MUST smile AT HER when he meets her bet his face cracks

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 26/10/2012 18:15

I got home from work to find my internet connection is fucked, so back on the 3g on my phone.

I wanted to say (in a nutshell) is that I was your dd growing up. I don't have a good relationship with my mother, because I absolutely do blame her for prioritising her husband over her child

dearprudence · 26/10/2012 18:26

You know that your DD has to come first. From your description she doesn't sound happy now and that needs to be fixed. Only you can decide how you do that.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 28/10/2012 19:00

How are you feeling after the weekend, OP ?

Original poster
backtofront · 28/10/2012 23:17

hi, not good, I left DD at home with DP yesterday and she started crying cos she missed me and he got annoyed with her, no comforting, just saying why are you crying you aren't a baby you're 7 years old...makes my blood run cold.

She doesn't want me to bring it up with him in case he refers back to it next time he is alone with her...it's dreadful, he is not a father at all, she said she really doesn't want him to collect her from school any more and she gets nervous at the end of the school day when she knows he is coming.

What is wrong with him? She is being damaged, I just want everything to be ok, and tbh she is right, if I do say sth to him he will bring it up with her again. He just can't see what he is doing to her. I am so sad to be writing this.

thanks for asking though...I really appreciate your concern

OP posts: