stbx has just punched me on the arm in front of the children

[marryinhaste]

He came round on the pretence of seeing the kids, but spent the whole time sorting through a box of papers (they are all his - he could have taken the whole thing and sorted through it at his house).

Discussion got heated (I called the CSA last week as he told me he wasn't going to pay maintenance every week, only when he had spare cash, he isn't happy about this). He said he told woman from CSA. I'd tricked him into having children (he was fully aware we were having unprotected sex each time, and he was the one that suggested trying for dc1).

I was incredibly pissed off at this, asked him to leave (as he had ignored kids up to that point anyway). He refused, kept going through papers, I childishly tried to grab papers away, he punched me in the arm. 4 and 2 yo both saw this - 2yo unaffected, but 4yo upset. I am so annoyed at myself for getting dragged into more arguments, and exposing my children to this shit.

Should I call the police and have this logged? I did goad by taking the papers, but he was refusing to leave and I know from previous form that he would just sit sorting through them for hours, trying to piss me off.

Thanks! I have calmed down a bit now, just waiting for the shit to hit the fan when they get in touch with him. I haven't heard from him since it happened on Weds night.

Luckily, my Dad arrives today and is staying with us for a week. I hope that will be enough to put him off coming here, but at the same time really don't want my lovely Dad involved in all this crap.

I think your dad would far rather be involved than find out afterwards you'd been dealing with it on your own and not asking for help. Imagine how you would feel if it was one of your dc.

I think take action then. Show him you really won't take his shit. Then get a solicitor sorted next week.

Flisspaps I did decide to take action against him (sorry, my post last night was jumbled as I was in a bit of a state). I think I've done the right thing - as you say, to show him I'm not taking it anymore.

But am worried about the shitstorm that will come now I've made him even angrier - the other night was all because I'd called the CSA, so god knows what he'll be like now I've called the police. I'm not physically scared of what he will do, just don't really have the energy to deal with anything "extra" what with having 2 young kids (including non-sleeping 2yo) and no help nearby. At least I have my Dad for the next week - bless him, he's having 4yo for 3 days of half term for me. And her own father can't even manage one day...

No, sorry, I meant it as in it is the right thing to do (as you're doubting yourself) but didn't post what my brain wanted to say

Definitely fill your Dad in so he knows what's what, but don't doubt yourself.

Good for you

It's tough standing up for yourself (and for your dc). Put harshly, you can be a victim and then you just have to wait until he finds another victim, or you can stop being a victim and face him on your terms. I'm not doubting how difficult and dispiriting the thought of the shitstorm is, but you're choosing to stand up. It's the right thing to do.

Can you use some of the time your dad is here to catch up on sleep? Don't underestimate how important sleep is, and how much you need to look after yourself for the times ahead.

Thanks, it is really helping having this support. I will tell Dad everything, but hate feeling like I've let him down (irrational and not true I know, but it's how I feel in my gut).

I may be able to get a little more rest with Dad here, but he isn't usually hugely hands-on (and he's in his sixties and having a few days off work to come and see us). Also have a small family party for 2yo tomorrow, so lots to do for that. And then I'm at work Mon-Weds next week. But I am taking Thurs off (don't work Fridays) and going away for the night with Dad and kids - really looking forward to just getting away for a night.

I know I have to sort a solicitor, but again that is extra energy (and time, and money) I don't have. I won't qualify for legal aid as I earn too much (though by the time mortgage, bills and childcare is paid there is nothing left). I am thinking stbx will sod off back to his home country and CSA payments won't last long, if at all.

The only person who has let anyone down is STBXH.

Argh, he has just called. Police obviously haven't been in touch yet. He asked if he could see the kids this afternoon (I should meet him at the park so he can take them out on their bikes - so again he doesn't have to do anything other than turn up, while I have to load up car with bikes etc and get kids to the park, to no doubt wait ages for him and then be stuck at the park until he has finished with them - all because he won't take them in his car). I asked if he'd got in touch with contact centre - yes he had. Which one? Eh, what, oh no I haven't called them yet (wtf?!) So I said he'd have to wait until contact centre was arranged - he wasn't happy, but not my fault if he hasn't bothered to do it.

I said he wasn't to come here after he hit me the other day. He denied he hit me at first, then admitted it, but said it was a shove with an open hand - it wasn't, it was a punch with his fist.

He was incredulous that I had called police - called it embarrassing, and then asked which station it was so he can hand himself in. Drama queen as always. I think he wants to avoid them getting in touch with his work, as I couldn't give them his home address (oh, who's fault is that?!?)

So, now he has me doubting myself again. But then I remembered one of his petty arguments from the other day - I had said I was helping him out anymore as I was sick of it after 5 years of it. He was adamant we weren't together 5 years ago - I was pregnant with dc1 and our 5th wedding anniversary would have been in 2 weeks. So, I know he can argue black is white even when I KNOW what the truth is, so I have to remind myself to trust my instincts. He has been trying to undermine me for years, but no more.

"So, I know he can argue black is white even when I KNOW what the truth is, so I have to remind myself to trust my instincts. He has been trying to undermine me for years, but no more."

Oh, I have one of these. You need to remind yourself that you're not mad/making shit up/constantly wrong and just repeat what will be happening. 'You need to ring the contact centre' like a stuck record is a good start.

And I disagree that you were wrong to grab the papers - he was sitting in your house and refusing to leave - he was the one goading for attention. Obviously don't put yourself in physical danger again, but I don't think you were too far in the wrong at all.

You might be as well to let the police know you have disclosed the complaint you've made against him (I think they would have advised you to stay out of it) - this may increase the risk of retaliation.

You need only stick to your story, as he will to his. The police have no magic power to say which of you is telling the truth (is your arm bruised) but equally no reason to suppose his story is correct.