stbx has just punched me on the arm in front of the children

[marryinhaste]

He came round on the pretence of seeing the kids, but spent the whole time sorting through a box of papers (they are all his - he could have taken the whole thing and sorted through it at his house).

Discussion got heated (I called the CSA last week as he told me he wasn't going to pay maintenance every week, only when he had spare cash, he isn't happy about this). He said he told woman from CSA. I'd tricked him into having children (he was fully aware we were having unprotected sex each time, and he was the one that suggested trying for dc1).

I was incredibly pissed off at this, asked him to leave (as he had ignored kids up to that point anyway). He refused, kept going through papers, I childishly tried to grab papers away, he punched me in the arm. 4 and 2 yo both saw this - 2yo unaffected, but 4yo upset. I am so annoyed at myself for getting dragged into more arguments, and exposing my children to this shit.

Should I call the police and have this logged? I did goad by taking the papers, but he was refusing to leave and I know from previous form that he would just sit sorting through them for hours, trying to piss me off.

heep? keep obv

Oh - and I forgot to say it - but bloody well done you!#

It does take courage, and I'm impressed that you are finding it. x

Also, if he does have mail sent to you - just write return to sender, addressee does not live here, on it and pop it back in the postbox. Pictish is right - he's looking for ways to continue to control you, so you need to take a line of no-tolerance.

That's a very good point - a letter from his insurance company arrived today, and I duly set it aside to pass on to him. It will be going in the post box instead now.

The way he has tried to control me over the post is that when we moved into this house, we got lots of post for the last owners. I kept saying I was going to email them to get them to collect it, but as I was pregnant and had a toddler at the time I didn't get round to it and we ended up with a big pile of post in our hall. Whenever I have objected to him getting post sent here since he moved out, he says "well you never did anything about that other post", which frankly doesn't even make sense, but it has made me feel guilty in a way...I am slowly seeing his games and will do my best not to engage anymore.

But it's entirely irrelevant what you did or did not do with the other people's post. They have not assaulted you or accused you of poisoning them.

Report it to the police.

Don't let him into the house - he doesn't live there anymore.

Don't let him use your car.

Don't let him use you as a mailing address, besides, if he is telling his insurance company he lives there, and it relates to car insurance, it is fraud.

If he wants to see the kids, arrange to meet him elsewhere, not at your house. Contact centre is ideal - but for him to arrange.

Do you have a solicitor?

Well done for reporting it.

YY to 'return to sender' on his post, however I am wondering why the CSA can't contact him via work.

You're also right about no longer trying to be 'reasonable' - you cannot be reasonable with him, he's just taking the piss out of you. He sounds as mad as a box of frogs wrt to the scanning and poisoning!

Yes, I know the post thing makes no sense - I think my response at the time was "but they haven't pissed me off". It is just another example of how exhausting he is to deal with - an answer for everything, but the answer makes no sense. He will repeat the answer to his dying breath, though. So very frustrating, which is why it is so hard not to engage. I will do my best though.

No solicitor yet, but that is next step.

Police are coming round tomorrow night.

Precisely the reason why you need to put as much distance between you and him.

OP initiated confrontation in front of DCs No sympathy.

How helpful, maricock. Have you never made a mistake in your life?

Well done, marry, you're doing grand

Well said tall. Doubt anyone here is looking for marikok'n'bull's sympathy .

You're doing the right thing marry, well done and let us know how it goes.

Some shit stirrers around this week innit

I'm not proud of my behaviour, and that's precisely why I've taken the action I have from that point, so it never happens again. I do think it's a bit much to say that I initiated the confrontation - I don't think parents arguing in front of children is ideal, but in the real world it happens sometimes. Hitting someone is another matter entirely.

I'm not sure it would set a better example to the children if I let him talk to me like crap and sit in my house shouting at me. He started shouting at me because I asked him if he could have the 4yo for one day of half term, and if not could he pay for the childcare, as I am covering the other 5 days. When he started telling me I'd tricked him into having the kids I asked him to leave, he refused and continued casually looking through his papers. What should I have done from there?

See, I can't resist an argument - all these lovely responses and I hone in on the one that is negative! Thank you to everyone for your help xxx

marry you wouldn't be human if you weren't angry and frustrated by the the crap you've had to put up with.

But did you punch him? No.

Did he punch you? Yes.

Enough said.

You don't need to justify anything marry.

The right answer is you should have called the police and asked them to remove him, but of course, who does that?!
You rose to the bait. Goading is common in domestic abuse situations.

Just keep that fucker out.

You started a physical confrontation by attempting to snatch things out of his hands and the only purpose of this was to get his attention. You got it. Well done. Perhaps you should have set an example for the DCs by simply walking away. Looks like both of you are teaching them aggression solves things.

[hbiscuit]

MarikoK:she'dalready.asked.him.to.leave.He's.clearly.an.arsepigeon.who.does.everything.he.can.to.provoke.and.then.hits.out.physically.
OP.don't.waste.any.more.time.,and.effort.trying.to.make.him.behave.reasonably.,just.keep.him.at.a.distance.
INform.him.by.letter/email.that.he.is.only,to.contact.YOU.by.email.and.only.regarding.contact.with.DC/finance.issues.All.other,contact.will.be.ignored.Record.and.report.any.stupid.or.aggressive.behaviours,as.well.Best.of.luck.

OK. So my opinion and thoughts are different to most in the thread. Why does that mean I must get personal insults about my name? Juvenile, I think. It takes all sorts!

OP as others have pointed out you had already asked him to go. He was deliberately goading you. If someone deliberately goads you they'll likely get a response - that's why they do it.

Here on this thread, let's just ignore it and not let it divert from the important issues being discussed.

There seem to have been a fair amount of new posters on the relationships board this week who have expressed less than supportive views.

marikokesh welcome to MN.

OP, IMO, you asked him to leave, he refused, he was looking for an opportunity to escalate things. Don't give him an opportunity again. He doesn't get to go into your house ever again. He has already brainwashed you into blaming yourself. Don't let others try to do it also.

Ok, lovely policeman has just left. He asked whether I wanted to take action or just have it on record. I really struggled with this, but he recommended taking action as in his experience these things tend to escalate so best to nip it in the bud. So I did. Am wondering if I've made a huge mistake. He did say it would mean a non-molestation order etc would be put in place. Help! Have I just completely screwed up?

Info on the purpose of a non-molestation order. Sounds like you've done the right thing to me.