stbx has just punched me on the arm in front of the children

[marryinhaste]

He came round on the pretence of seeing the kids, but spent the whole time sorting through a box of papers (they are all his - he could have taken the whole thing and sorted through it at his house).

Discussion got heated (I called the CSA last week as he told me he wasn't going to pay maintenance every week, only when he had spare cash, he isn't happy about this). He said he told woman from CSA. I'd tricked him into having children (he was fully aware we were having unprotected sex each time, and he was the one that suggested trying for dc1).

I was incredibly pissed off at this, asked him to leave (as he had ignored kids up to that point anyway). He refused, kept going through papers, I childishly tried to grab papers away, he punched me in the arm. 4 and 2 yo both saw this - 2yo unaffected, but 4yo upset. I am so annoyed at myself for getting dragged into more arguments, and exposing my children to this shit.

Should I call the police and have this logged? I did goad by taking the papers, but he was refusing to leave and I know from previous form that he would just sit sorting through them for hours, trying to piss me off.

You need to make sure you are no longer in a conversation in which you have cause to laugh at him - you shouldn't be having that sort of contact anymore.

The Dr thing happened while he was staying with said friend, and there was much hinting that poisoning had definitely happened while he was still living with me.

You will hide that anthrax very carefully, won't you ?

You had a lucky escape from Nobber there, didn't you ?

I do try to keep it to discussion of children only - but it is quite hard not to laugh at someone who tells you their perfectly roadworthy VW Golf isn't powerful enough to carry the kids. He was using my car to take kids to park etc until last week when I got a new car and didn't include him on the insurance. Another reason he is Not Happy.

Oh you have no idea hhmf - nobber is the word. He spent every weekend we were married acting like a single man (out til 4am, even when I begged him to stay home and help with non-sleeping baby). But now I've kicked him out, and he has the single life he wanted so badly he is incredibly angry with me.

Right, I really am going to sleep now as 2yo will be up in less than 2 hours.

Thanks again all - you have helped me sort this out in my head! I will be the grown up from now on!

we know where we are when you want another moan !

get some kip

you know

I think you are struggling to assert yourself as an independent adult after so long being beaten down by him. Can't you see that his thing about the car was a complete lie, designed to ensure he could use your car and thus assert dominance and control, and inconvenience you at the same time? Can't you see that's the reason why he doesn't take this box of papers away? Why he turns up unannounced? It's all designed to intimidate you in your own home.

The 4 year old should not be opening the door regardless of who is there.

You should definitely log the violence today as he is almost certain escalating - and will not be happy when you start to assert your independence.

You must not allow him in your home again. Call the police non-emergency no. 101 as another poster advised, and make sure this incident is recorded - or call Women's Aid (link below). You may find this advice a useful starting point:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.

Children

If there are children involved, their welfare, needs and interests are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - ?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.

If you take legal action to protect yourself or your family from domestic violence, you may qualify for legal aid without having to meet the normal financial conditions. The income of an abusive partner will not be taken into account when deciding whether you qualify for legal aid.

You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Dl1/Directories/UsefulContactsByCategory/Governmentcitizensandrightscontacts/DG_195356

Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:
legaladviserfinder.justice.gov.uk/AdviserSearch.do

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

You will also read good advice and find a family lawyer here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it?s important to have that first.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights and issues around contact are further explained here:
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

If you have no access to financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway. If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order (follow the Direct.gov links below). This seeks financial information from both parties going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

CAB Benefits Check:
www.citizensadvice.co.uk/getadvice/benefit-calculator/A2B-Benefit-Calculator/#730

Parenting issues:
www.familylives.org.uk
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support for Women ? Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that there is usually an appropriate link on these websites for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ.

You are empowering him to act like this. Shut down. Speak only about the kids. He can collect them somewhere other than your house. Look at a separate phone or just emails to keep in contact with him. Make sure that when you have to respond you do so in a measured and controlled way - take your time to respond to messages so that you don't regret what you say or say too much.

Good luck. He can't get to you if you don't let him.

You can find a local child contact centre here:

www.naccc.org.uk/

Not only will this protect you, it will mean he will have to engage with the children rather than fiddling about in your home ignoring them!

Defnitely log it with the police, never let him in your house again, and arrange contact at a contact centre only. He's clearly nuts.

And hide the arsenic.

I am wavering about making the call to 101 this morning - why?

I suppose in my head it doesn't feel "serious" enough to report - it's not as if he beat me up. But I know having things logged is useful if it escalates in future. And I should be entitled to peace in my own house. It just seems like such a big step, and will undoubtedly make relations between us even worse - is that good for the kids? I am fuzzy-headed again thinking about this!

You are only going to log it so it can be referred back to should anything else occur. You will be doing yourself a favour.

Will he be told about it? He is angry enough about CSA involvement.

I doubt he will be told unless the police think it is serious enough to warn him off. Also - yes he may be angry, but that is his problem. If you do not log it and it escalates, you will have no recorded evidence of his behaviour to raise in court or wherever else it is needed.

Please call 101. At the least it should mean that the police know to attend quickly if they get an emergency call from you in future.

I don't rightly know - but I suspect not, if it is only a case of logging the incident. Someone else who knows of such things will undoubtedly be along in a minute to advise.

You cannot allow him to dictate what you should accept from him. It's not his decision, it's yours, and it's high time you recognised that, and stopped worrying about him!

Thanks - it's very true, I shouldn't let him dictate what I accept. You are all great for helping me to see the wood for the trees!

The thing is - you have no magical formula to make him behave - there is no such thing available.
The only sway you have in this situation, is to be clear in your own mind, on what you will or will not tolerate.
It's a very powerful tool though - and not one he can ever take from you.

Ring 101.

Think of it this way - he punched your arm, you don't log it. Next time, he pushes you, you don't log it as its only minor. After that, it's a few slaps but the kids don't see, so you don't log it...

All 'minor' incidents on their own. It's not like he's battered you black and blue, is it? But with everything else you've told us about him he seems to be someone who appears to be irrational, controlling and angry - there may well be a next time, and each incident needs to be on file for the good of you and your children.

OK, I have called 101, and they are getting someone to call me back to arrange to come out and see me. Thanks everyone for giving me the gentle shove to do it.

Have also had a call from the CSA saying they are having trouble opening the case because he refuses to give them his address, and has told them they can't write to his work address Why does he get the say-so on that? He has asked that post for him come to my address - I told the CSA lady I wasn't too keen on that. What a nobber! As if anyone cares about his poxy address.

Well done! It does take courage. Do not be a mail collection point for him, no way.

Thank you. The address thing is just another example of how he tries to exert control over a situation. I've been dealing with crap like this from him for way too long. I have tried to be reasonable with him for the sake of the kids, but it is just impossible to be reasonable with a person like this. So, no more contact, if he wants to see them he arranges a contact centre visit (when I told him this last night, he said I should be the one arranging the contact centre - not going to happen).

He's wrong. It's up to him to arrange to see his kids. You are not the chief organiser of his life. It's his responsibility.

Also, I agree with not being his mailing address either. He is looking for ways to continue to control you, and getting his mail gives him an excuse to drop round.

Do whatever it takes to heep him out of your home.