Lundy Bancroft OMG!!!!!

[iponder]

I got this book this afternoon and have just flicked through the chapters on sexual abuse and the abusive man in every day life.
I don't know whether to laugh, cry or scream...
THIS is what was happening for 18 months
'Bea' and 'Jesse's' argument... OMG, it's like a tape recording. EVERY day this was the kind of 'conversation' we would have.
I could laugh because it's almost funny how textbook things were
I could cry (I will!) because of the way I was hurt and how stupid I was all this time
I could scream- with rage that this angry little man took me to a point so low.
No wonder everyone here recommends it all the time.
If only I had read it sooner.
Put it on the national curriculum!
THANK YOU to everyone on here who has ever mentioned it

Ah hey, all I can say is well done you for reading it! I have seen it recommended so many times and, although I am hopefully getting towards the light of my own personal tunnel, I am not sure I am ready for that!

I think I would just be overcome with regret that I had not had that kind of information and support 15 years ago :( Or even... 30 odd years ago!

I know, it has been tough, though revelatory reading so far. Still I would fall for it, even now, and I'm still trying to normalise 'd'p in my head or think of how to fix things. It's a hard, hard read but the scales are dropping from my eyes one by one and I can't recommend it enough!

tell me more about their argument? i want to buy it but it's not been available in my second hand book shop for a while. i check every week!

That book helped me loads, it was like large sections were based on my old life, excellent book

To those scared of it... It's just a book.

It'll be the best thing you'll ever read! The kindest and the more forgiving book.

I too was scared. I got told to get on and read it.. It's just a book, costs about £5, what't the worst thing that could happen?

You could learn that none of the shit you put up with was your fault... You could realise you are free....

That's worth a few minutes of your time isn't it?

It's a fantastic resource for anyone who has been or is in an abusive relationship. I have bought several copies for various friends and recommend it all over the place.

Even just the first bit, which takes every single myth apart, is worth the price of the book.
Maybe he's depressed?Er, no
Does he have some kind of mental illness? No
Is it because he is from a different culture? No
Is there some odd family secret/ something in the childhood? No
There go the excuses/justifications, one by one.......

Best book I ever read, but more even more helpful after I left and a few months out the other side.

I remember reading "Why does he do that?" for the first time 2 years ago, in a state of frenzied shock. I kept it in a drawer at work and snatched time to read it while at the office, because even though I was still in denial at the time, I knew this book could not be found at home by my then-H.

Every word in it brought with it the shock of recognition. I started highlighting every passage that was an echo of my own experience: my copy of the book has hardly a single page that isn't highlighted.

It definitely changed my life, more than any book of great literature ever could.

Hey, Hissy, who was it who told you it was just a book? Fink it was me

There is some danger, I think, if it's read by those still in denial, as they may think "well my H doesn't do that, I mean it's all about knocking women's heads in isn't it, but he's never laid a finger on me, so this book doesn't help at all". They have to have started to open their eyes just a little bit first. MN can help with that stage!

I know it was you Annie! :)

Women in denial who read it will still see themselves, but they'll fight it.

As with everything with DV, all at its own pace.

I thought I was going mad until I read it. What it didn't tell me, though I know the answer, I think, is whether there is any point at all in trying to tell the person that they have abused you. I suppose it would fall on deaf ears at the very best. I would love to know more about how you get 'closure', especially when you're out of the relationship but missing aspects of it and not free of the 'traumatic bonding'.

The section on 'how to tell if he's not changing' left me speechless....my STBXH had used the exact words that 'Sir' Lundy had suggested....

And the rest if it was pretty accurate too...

iponder I think if the person really acknowledges that they're doing wrong it's worth telling them that they're being abusive. Because, after all, they would need to go on an abusers program to try and heal themselves....

However this is a bit tricky, because one of the problems with abusers is that they'll say they're sorry, or guilty, but not really mean it. They will say it during the 'nice' part if the cycle to keep you sticking with them.

However, telling them that they're abusive isn't going to work...they'll hold it against you...and use it against you.

I thought telling my STBXH that he was being emotionally abusive to me, might help him recover...however he turned it round on me and is now saying that I'm the abusive, controlling, and intimidating one...

Luckily no one believes him...

Yep, Sir Lundy is pretty spot-on

The abuse you because they want to.

Yes, they ARE that evil.

You can't appeal to their better nature, they don't have one.

They

I would love to know more about how you get 'closure', especially when you're out of the relationship but missing aspects of it and not free of the 'traumatic bonding'.

You will get closure, in time, but it won't come from your ex - definitely not! They are not capable of acknowledging responsibility for their own actions; acknowledging another person's feelings.

Closure will come with time, and some pain, and therapy if you are doing any (a good therapist will validate your pain, which helps, even if that validation doesn't come from the person who caused you harm).

You'll get there. Your future is now MUCH brighter than your past has been. The lingering tug of traumatic bonding fades too, especially if you can go fully no contact with your ex.

It's quite an eye-opener isn't it? I'm glad you got to read it when you did, and not in another 5 or 10 years.

No, there is no point whatsoever in telling the other person they are abusive, especially if it's emotional or psychological abuse, they will not acknowledge it, and they will not admit to it. They will blame you, or blame society, or blame their upbringing, but never their own behaviour.

I hope that book helps you make some positive changes in your life.

I dubbed him Saint Lundy of Bancroft, but Sir is probably better (a knight who takes arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, ends them; also causing less offence to religious sensitivities).

I have never rid myself of the suspicion that XH is not exactly a horrible person at heart. (He's certainly not as callous as some of those we've seen on here. I wouldn't have kept trying to hold it together for over 20 years if he were.) In the end, though, I just had to accept it didn't matter what was going on in his head - which my brother excellently described as "zombie hamsters running around on little wheels". He doesn't know any other way to relate to people, I think. Anyway, the point is he won't change, and I couldn't live with it.

Are you all talking a bout the "why does he do that?" or the "should I stay..."!book?

Oh, not sure. I assumed it was "Why Does He Do That" - I haven't read the other one. It's the one that's usually recommended first to people who aren't sure whether they are in an abusive relationship.

It's the most eye opening book ever!

So concise and without sensation, it tells it like it is, in a plain and simple way that anyone can understand.

Why he does that? - utterly brilliant. I used to feel sorry for my ex, thinking he wouldn't choose to be that way and I could help him see the light. Seeing in black and white the benefits he got from his behaviour killed my pity stone dead. And that set me free.

I feel as though this book is setting me free too, free of misconceptions and excuses for the behaviour.
Some of the odd things he's even admitted to doing. Other very painful things, like the sexual abuse, including one absolutely horrible incident, I now have a far better understanding of from reading the book.
What I want to know is- having freed yourself of all this, how to do you free yourself fully of the person and then of the pain?
What do you do when your logic, reason and new found knowledge are still not quite enough to carry you through the thought that you will never see this person again, be in any kind of relationship any more, be alone without them... even as you KNOW that that is for the best, that you will be healthier and ultimately far happier- living with self respect and freedom.
It wasn't for long, we don't live together, there aren't mutual friends, there are no DCs (thank heavens for all these things!!!!) so the easy thing to do is block the number, and walk on.
I think I have 'wuthering heights' syndrome or something, but the fantasy is hard to relinquish.