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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Lundy Bancroft OMG!!!!!

72 replies

iponder · 24/10/2012 19:12

I got this book this afternoon and have just flicked through the chapters on sexual abuse and the abusive man in every day life.
I don't know whether to laugh, cry or scream...
THIS is what was happening for 18 months
'Bea' and 'Jesse's' argument... OMG, it's like a tape recording. EVERY day this was the kind of 'conversation' we would have.
I could laugh because it's almost funny how textbook things were
I could cry (I will!) because of the way I was hurt and how stupid I was all this time
I could scream- with rage that this angry little man took me to a point so low.
No wonder everyone here recommends it all the time.
If only I had read it sooner.
Put it on the national curriculum!
THANK YOU to everyone on here who has ever mentioned it Thanks

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 25/10/2012 13:30

Cold turkey.

iponder · 25/10/2012 13:54

stupidly i agreed to a meeting to 'talk'. Cancel, yes, but how?

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 25/10/2012 14:35

"I will not be attending our meeting. I do not want to talk to you."

Change SIM.
Change e-mail.

iponder · 25/10/2012 15:27

HotDAMN that's right. Thank you. I keep needing to be told, again and again, what I already know. My mind weakens and I'm back in the fog. I have a bit of a wait for counselling as there's a big waiting list, and I'm currently off work, so I find that however much frantic scrubbing, cooking and tidying I do, I am thinking about it ALL the time, from waking to sleeping, even sometimes reading to the dcs I find that I am reciting the words to Peepo and yet still churning over what happened and shuttling back and forth. I really hate myself, and him, for that. I try thought switching etc but I just feel mentally colonised by this big invading power. When that's gone I will be fine, but how to get rid of it I don't know. I hate being a 'victim' and am so angry with myself.

Some things are hard to recover from, eg I thought we had an incredible sexual bond and in some ways we did but that makes me forget that I did not ever have the right to say no, be tired, or complain when he seriously frightened me. Lundy B's chapter on this was an absolute revelation.

I thought I had someone I could talk to forever about anything, and we did, but I forget that I had to make eye contact and nod at all times or there would be trouble.

etc etc etc bloody etc....argh I hate it

OP posts:
HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 25/10/2012 16:03

Yes, cancel the "talk"

Keep him out of your life, and out of your head

Talking just gives him more ways to headfuck you

Disengage completely. With no dcs you can do this and you MUST

htccrapola · 25/10/2012 16:13

I bought it and it's under my bed unread. I don't have the balls to read it to be honest. Truth hurts doesn't it.

iponder · 25/10/2012 16:20

The truth hurts a lot.
But it hurts less than that feeling I had all the time in the end that there was a hot pebble stuck in my throat and that I was actually going mad.
It hurts less than traipsing around one beautiful place after another with someone who was in an impossible rage over NOTHING that was 'all my fault'.
It hurts a lot less than someone who 'loves' you putting their hands on your throat during sex and then saying it was an accident and why are you making such a big deal of it.
Everything hurts at the moment, but the truth is the least painful thing.

OP posts:
garlicbaguette · 25/10/2012 16:29

iponder, I still do it ... yeeeeeears later [hblush]

Despite having blocked him from every conceivable form of contact, I still get those "What if?" moments (what if it was me, after all) and give in to the widespread belief that he's stayed married for a long time because W2 is nice and I'm not ... you know the kind of thing!

Thanks mainly to Mumsnet, I do now have sane answers to my sneaking questions. I haven't 'raged' once since we split for good. So being with him is what made me irrational, I'm not some kind of flawed ranting lunatic. The fact he's stayed married to W2 means she's more obedient than me, and no doubt mired in oceans of denial. He was an arse before I met him, an abusive arse while I was with him, and he won't have changed.
Phew! That feels better!

Thank goodness for MN, eh Wink

iponder · 26/10/2012 22:18

Oh crikey Garlic, I can't believe this will take years!! I feel awful at the moment. I know there is no point in attending any 'talk' although part of me just wants to say my piece, to say 'this was abuse. You abused me. You are an abuser'
I know the response will be 'you are mad/ you are abusive', etc. does the message ever sink in??

OP posts:
babyhammock · 26/10/2012 23:02

Hey :)
Trying to explain to him or get him to understand what he is doing/has done is a waste of time. If he does acknowledge anything it will be for the sole purpose of getting his feet back under the table and he knows its what you want to hear so its a pretty effective but very short term ploy.

All he needs to hear is that is an utter twat and you DO NOT want to be with him any more... and a year down the line you will be glad that you said that to him and nothing more x

bringupthebabies · 27/10/2012 00:48

Have you talked to anyone about it all OP?

I found that in just 4 hours of counselling I got all the 'validation' I needed. Like you I knew with my logical brain that it was him, he wouldn't change, I needed to split up, and that whatever the future miight hold it could never be as bad as the daily misery of being with him.

Yet... I just couldn't quite bring myself to take that final, mental decision to detach. Part of me wondered if in some mad, self-destructive way he was a challenge I had to get the better of. I found it really hard to accept that it couldn't be any different than how it was.

Once I'd had the couselling and sort of 'heard myself' describing the pathetic way I was living I just got on with sorting it out so that I could leave. As soon as I went - literally that day - I felt better. I've never spoken to him since and I hope I never will have to.

My advice is, meet him at your peril - you don't need confirmation that he's still that nasty bastard do you? It will just be another horrible experience with him, when you could get on with your life, being free, at peace and enjoying whatever life brings you that you can enjoy. Who needs the miserable, warped and nasty world of the abusive nutcase? Not me. What about you?

HissyByName · 27/10/2012 08:53

I don't ever think what if about the ex. I do think wtaf! Though!

It will take as long.as it.takes, the harder you work at it, the faster you'll reprogramme yourself.

Know.that every ounce of effort you put.in, you will reap thousand fold, on the one condition that you don't dent yourself any.possibility of a.full and healthy life in the future.

One.day you really can have it all, the peace, love and understanding of yourself, and you can have the relationship you never thought.you deserved

If you tell yourself you can't have that, you'll hobble yourself.

Open your mind to hope for the future, you may not be ready for it all yet, but know.that one day you will be.

iponder · 02/11/2012 14:24

Hissy I think I am going to have your words stuck on my mirror or something! A great pep talk.
I am still struggling a little with the massiveness of what happened- and the repeated falling of veils from my eyes. Everything that happened is now so much clearer.
The good news is that I am now thoroughly at ease with the relationship having gone, and in no way want him back or intend to see him again.
I miss the fantasy though, and it is very strange to be single- I haven't been single for well over 20 years Blush
I don't have any faith or trust in men or relationships any more, or much in myself at the moment.
The really bad thing is that I am still churning over so much and filled with anger.
I know the revenge is to live well, and to be happy. I just don't think that's enough !!! He still gets to wear his mask, con others and wander about life with no one knowing what he is capable of. That's frustrating!

OP posts:
tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 02/11/2012 19:38

I cannot for the life of me understand why these books are not available for Kindle.

No need then to hide them under the bed, for fear the (toxic) dh will find them. An opportunity to work through your feelings when still in the relationship.

Given the value so many women attach to the wisdom in the LB books, it would be great to be able to access them discreetly without buying a hard copy and worrying about it being find. Not to mention finding the opportunity to read them when living with a toxic man.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 02/11/2012 19:39

*found, sorry

HissyByName · 02/11/2012 19:54

The only important person in all of this is you iponder, the anger is natural, it has to come out, feel it, own it, understand it and then let it go.

In time you'll look to the future, but its too soon for that, you need to get used to your new present, the one that's full of hope and peace!

HissyByName · 02/11/2012 19:56

I have heard there is a digital version of WDHDT. But I've not seen it myself.

sneezecakesmum · 02/11/2012 21:00

OP You dont need to tell your abuser he is abusive and has abused you. As they say he will turn it around on you and confuse you again. Suffice to know he is well aware of his behaviour. What the book explains is that abusers make a choice to behave the way they do, and your XP chose to abuse.

iponder · 02/11/2012 21:58

Yes, sneezecakes and admitted as much when I did call him on it- oh and how did I let things get to the stage where he could do it!
I think I especially worry about the idea that I somehow initially gave off 'yes, please come and abuse me' signals that he could 'sniff out' - when I met him I was pretty happy, fit, on the up- I thought! So how did he sense my inner abusee?

OP posts:
arthriticfingers · 02/11/2012 22:06

iponder never is the adage 'it is NOT you; it is HIM' so true as in abusive relationships. It really is.

HissyByName · 03/11/2012 15:17

Therein lies the billion dollar question...

Abusers are drawn to sucessful, popular, kind, considerate, happy people.... that are people pleasers, and vulnerable.

You have what they want, but your people pleasing, and often dysfuntional upbringing, where you're criticised, never good enough is what keeps you where they can wipe their feet on you.

The minute you give yourself an ounce of real self worth, it creates a force field that potential abusers can't penetrate.

When you get out, when you see how easy it really is actually to make that short leap to a place that is a million times better, you'll realise your own strengths, see your value and then, with a few minor tweaks here and there, you'll never need make the same mistake again.

Its a tough road sometimes, but omg is it ever worth it.

Have faith in yourself, you'll be better than you've ever been in your life whhen you do this for yourself and your dc.

One thing you must promise yourself though? That you must not limit the heights to which you will allow yourself to climb, take nothing off the table, even if you are not ready for whatever it is now, one day you might be. In the meantime, don't hobble yourself, or allow anyone to do so. No matter who they are.

Abitwobblynow · 03/11/2012 17:29

I have 'Should I Stay Or Should I Go?' on Kindle. It is the biggest eye-opener.

I have really struggled with whether I am crazy, but with this wonderful man's help, am getting clearer and clearer. And stronger, too. It is all good.

iponder · 04/11/2012 22:23

arthritic, hissy and everyone, your words mean so much. I just have to keep the cold turkey going, and move on up! It's really hard to have the 'dream' ripped away from your eyes and to see things in the cold light of day. Everyone says I am being too hard on myself, but I DO blame myself for not trulyseeing it earlier (because, let's face it, in our heads WE KNEW all along it was wrong) and getting out while I still had some self respect.
abitwobbly that going crazy feeling is well known to me too- at last I know I wasn't.
EVEN when he sexually assaulted me I still staggered on thinking maybe I had got it wrong... but when he blamed ME for what he did, that was that.

OP posts:
HissyByName · 05/11/2012 07:35

Read the book again.

Its NOT YOU.

ITS HIM.

Never forget that.

Please forgive yourself for mistakenly trusting someone that pretended to be nice.

iponder · 05/11/2012 22:33

I can't thank everyone who has replied to me enough, or Lundy! In these really dark days of coming to terms with it all, some good, clear sighted advice and support is invaluable. Still consumed with thoughts of him, good, bad and horrible. This will take time. Hardest thing is knowing that I am wearing HIS shame for him, but I hope that will stop soon?

OP posts:
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