Lundy Bancroft OMG!!!!!

[iponder]

I got this book this afternoon and have just flicked through the chapters on sexual abuse and the abusive man in every day life.
I don't know whether to laugh, cry or scream...
THIS is what was happening for 18 months
'Bea' and 'Jesse's' argument... OMG, it's like a tape recording. EVERY day this was the kind of 'conversation' we would have.
I could laugh because it's almost funny how textbook things were
I could cry (I will!) because of the way I was hurt and how stupid I was all this time
I could scream- with rage that this angry little man took me to a point so low.
No wonder everyone here recommends it all the time.
If only I had read it sooner.
Put it on the national curriculum!
THANK YOU to everyone on here who has ever mentioned it

I'm still too chicken to read it

I need to, I really do but for some ridiculous reason I don't want to.

Oh randall you must. It will arm you in whatever you face. If I hadn't read it I would be back there now. I would have crawled there and begged to be there. And I bet I would have had some glorious times over the last couple of months, real technicolour living... But... But... These would have been at the inevitable cost of degradation, exhaustion, and fear that would have inevitably accompanied them. I am not free, not totally, not yet, but that book freed me from all my happy illusions and now I see reality so clearly, I know it will be ok in the end, one day soon.

Randall love, i was scared too, but I'll say what Anniegetyourgun said to me.

'Its only a book...'

:)

Randall love, i was scared too, but I'll say what Anniegetyourgun said to me.

'Its only a book...'

:)

You're right, I know.

I need to woman-up and buy it!

I can't see a time where I won't love him though. It's been almost a year, I still miss him every day.

We have a ds so there's no way to distance myself and move on. He'll always be there.

You won't feel free until you read the book.

Buy it, at least.

THEN think about reading.it!

True, one step at a time.

(That's my excuse with he 30 day shred DVD, I bought it a year ago but hid it in the back of the drawer because it scares me!)

I never thought I would get over the fantasy and potential of my ex ex, but six months down the line I knew I was totally free. distance gives you massive perspective, if you are in a helicopter high above, you can see the bigger picture far better.time has the same effect.
now moving away from second dysfunctional and abusive rel (unfortunately married this one and two lovely dcs between us)I do sometimes panic and wonder how I can manage the rest of my life with him on the periphery, but then, as someone said, I have to don my big girl pants and get on with it.no am not crazy, no he will not suddenly self actualise intothe super human with unlimited potential that he made out he could be with the right support, he will just en mesh some other poor woman in his Web, put on the charming charismatic show for the general population, and never learn.hardest but best thing is to not engage with him in any dialogue about him, you, the relationship,a it is like handing him a psychological stick to beat you with.a simple "we do not work" is it.x

Guess what my husband says? "Lundy Bancroft has no qualifications or credentials. He's a con man why would you believe him"
You could almost laugh couldn't you?

I cried my eyes out when I read it. No matter how many people told me "this isn't right, you need to leave" I didn't believe them, I thought I made my ex like he was and should therefore stick it out, try to be "good" and live by the rules I made myself so as not to row (they never worked btw).

To see it written there by a man who did not know me or my ex in a published book was like a bucket of cold water. As soon as I read it I believed 100% it was not my fault. Lundy was writing about MY ex and how was that possible as he'd never met him? the only way he could know was if this was classic abusive behaviour.

It's an amazing book and should have high recognition from everyone not just the people who need it.

Can I just check which Lundy Bancroft book you are all talking about? He has written a few. Is it "Why does he do that?" or "Should I stay or should I go?"

Thanks

Why does he do that was the one I read. It's the earlier one.

Why does he do that? is definitely the place to start.

I think there is now a link on Amazon, that says something along the lines of; would you like this book on kindle? Click this link and we will let the publishers know.

Might be worth the might of mners to all go and click on it.

I totally understand why people are scared of reading it, but it doesn't make you feel bad about yourself - quite the opposite. You may get angry at him, and perhaps yourself for staying etc, but I think what you mostly get from the book is clear diamond clarity on what the situation was/ is about.

And that will definitely set you free, and more importantly stop it from happening again.

I think the clarity bit for me (my ex was violent) was when he asks the group, 'when you've given your partner a beating, and she's beaten/subdued etc' why do you not give her that last kick/punch and see her off'

Majority of men are aghast! 'You can't do that' 'that's murder' 'I'll get jail time' etc.

Not quite such an uncontrollable red mist then - is it?

He says in 15 yes, only 2 men have answered 'I don't know'

They're not special- they're just your run of the mill violent, bullying, self entitled wankers.

15 years

That's such an interesting point sassy. Depressing though.

Yes, it's part of his debunking of the myth "They can't help themselves". Seeing that abusive men consciously choose this behaviour because it has all sorts of advantages for them is a really valuable insight. They don't need an understanding woman to help them see the light and do better, because they are quite happy with way things are, thank you very much.

I don't think of it as depressing morris i think it uncomplicated things. And makes you realise that they're not complex human beings with ishoos. They just treat you that way because the want to and chose too.

Nothing more to it.

Like the anger management myth.

Do they lose their temper with their friends, siblings, colleagues- no.

So they can keep their temper for everyone else but you? Then it isnt really an anger management problem- is it?

great thread from what ive read so far

i have just split from my very abusive ex after him cheating again,what book is the best one to start with please

i had a massive rant at him last night,i contacted him

im now starting the NO contact rule as this is driving me insane

so which book is the best to read first

im desperate for some help on this matter

many thanks

Start with 'Why does he do that'
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1362668070&sr=1-1
Beg borrow or steal it!

thank you