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Original poster

Internet dating advice please!!

18 replies

Makethepainstop · 24/10/2012 17:17

Hi ladies,

Looking for a bit of advice. Been on a dating website and met a man. Seems nice, genuine etc. he has been cheated in and said lots about treating people right. We met up on fri and after a shaky start (my nerves) we had a lovely night a shared a kiss. We then texted about wanting to do it again ad arranged to meet tonight. We have spoken on the phone and sent lots of texts. Last phonecall was for 2 hours and he was giving me lots of practical advice on my divorce ad hold care arrangements. I know not ideal talks about divorce but we are both going through it and have emotional scars.

So last night he text me at 5 to confirm plans for tonight then nothing till 9. Again fine but I went on the dating website and he has was online and changed his profile picture. Why would he do that??? Weird. In my eyes you only do tht to get more attention!! He then text me at 9 asking if I'd like to speak on phone but I didn't reply for an hour then he repeatedly asked me if I was okay and said he was looking forward to tonight. I found it major turn off and now really unsure about meeting him tonight.

Any advice, what is normal internet dating etiquette

OP posts:
Wecanfixit · 24/10/2012 17:45

No easy way to say this but you are not the only one he will be seeing , sorry but all you tell me spells it out , take your time do what suits you, a word of caution there is plenty of men out there who are genuine , but alot who are not as honest and genuine as we would expect then to be, take care .

mameulah · 24/10/2012 17:50

I met my dh online and he is one of the most straightforward people I know but he didn't take his profile down immediately after our first date even though I did.
Keep your wits about you. And enjoy it.
Before I met my dh I went on about a zillion dates. I was in my early thirties and I knew that it was important for me to meet my Prince and settle down. I think you need to be quite ruthless with internet dating. If it is not right, get over him quick. And move on.

Good luck!

snuffaluffagus · 24/10/2012 17:52

In a first date/second date situation I think it's fairly normal to keep up an active profile and not put all your eggs in one basket as it were.. so I wouldn't be hurt as yet. Enjoy the date and see where it takes you but keep in mind that you may be viewing the situation differently and that he may be dating a few people at once..

Original poster
Makethepainstop · 24/10/2012 17:56

Thank you. I thought as much. Like I said I really am not that into him but have enjoyed the dating experience. I will go tonight only because I have sorted out childcare and don't feel it would be fair to cancel them so late on. I expect I will get more of a feel tonight. I always rely I my instinct and from last night my wanker radar was going crazy!! X

OP posts:
mameulah · 24/10/2012 18:34

Right, before you go out, paint on a load of self confidence and charm. Give yourself a good talking to, he is lucky he is going to get to spend the evening with you. And expect him to be exactly right. But if you get that gut instinct niggle that it is wrong then definitely listen to it.

If he wants you he will come and get you.

Have fun!

lulubellaboozle · 24/10/2012 20:06

I agree with the above comments that it is not unusual when you are going on a first or even second date to keep your options open online, without it meaning anything sinister. I think it just goes with the territory.

However I would let him KNOW that you have noticed the changed profile picture .... maybe say, do you know what I went online to look at your profile again before we met this evening I noticed you have changed your picture and then make a comment such as ... I like it, or I preferred the old one.

That way it is non accusatory, but it also gives him a chance to give an explanation and you can judge by what that explanation is, as to how genuine you think he is.

I have been seeing a guy I met on a dating website for 7 weeks now, and after the first date we both agreed not to text or message or meet other people in order to give our relationship a good chance to develop. I don't think it is wrong if that is your expectation and you want to start dating someone to say this to them.

Best of luck, hope you have a great time x

nkf · 24/10/2012 20:10

It's only one date so far. I'd say keep it light. Don't talk about divorce. And keep looking online too.

mameulah · 25/10/2012 06:39

How did it go?

Original poster
Makethepainstop · 25/10/2012 17:02

Well after me not massively looking forward to going - I had a lovely time!! Spent whole night chatting, even got chucked out of bar at end of night. We have lots in common ad pretty similar views on things. Had little kiss at end of night and planning on meeting up again either Sunday or next week. It is all very strange. Find it difficult to make the transition from being married to dating and needing to take things slowly. My confidence is very low and he has done a brilliant job of boosting it. Now I just need to stop my mind from running away and calm down!! Thanks for advice ladies xx

OP posts:
mameulah · 25/10/2012 18:33

Hurray! I am so pleased you had a good time. Honestly, you are the one that knows you don't feel confident and are not sure of the dating thing after divorce. You just have to pretend until you have more history with him and know the lay of the land. And enjoy taking it slow, when he is farting in bed and leaving his socks all over your home you will look back and enjoy remembering the time when you both had to be on your best behaviour. Really happy for you that you had fun!

Original poster
Makethepainstop · 26/10/2012 09:29

Right now I have another stress. We had lovely night on Wed and both agreed to meeting up again. He paid me nice compliments - not too many, not too few just right amount. He said we have loads in common in terms of our past and what we want from future. So all good I was thinking. We discussed meeting up again but I am taking my kids away for a few days and he has got party's to go to on fri and sat.

So.......
No text from him after the date. I text him last night saying I had a nice time and that having a lovely time away. He replied saying he had lovely night too and that we should arrange a date for next week. I told him to sort a date and I'll try to get a sitter. But he was on the dating website again last night. It is bugging me. Why would e still be going on it. We both mentioned that we had made some friends on there that we email but there was nothing in it. I suppose I should accept that but I think I have been damaged by my ex's cheating behaviour and I now automatically think everyone will be cheating on me.

What is your take on the situation....? I know I am being a div but I can't stop myself!!!! Xx

OP posts:
OhWesternWind · 26/10/2012 09:50

Hi there - sorry to be a bit brutal here, but I think it's totally normal with online dating for people to have a few irons in the fire, in terms of messaging/chatting, and also for some people they are happy to be meeting up with and dating more than one person, particularly in the early stages. I would be really surprised if someone came off the dating site after one date, however well it went. It's just too early to tell if things are going to develop any further, so probably he wants to keep his options open. I wouldn't take it personally or even think of it as cheating. You have no commitment to each other, no relationship yet so you are both free to do as you want. If things go well, you might want to talk about whether you are both going to stop seeing other people, but I'd imagine that this will be later on after a few more dates when you are both sure you want it to continue.

I may be going to sound horrible again, but try not to get too hung up on him at this stage. I know it's easy to say and less easy to do, but concentrate on some of the other things in your life and don't over-invest in this so early.

Why don't you come over to join us on the online dating thread? I know it can look a bit daunting and cliquey, but it's not, honestly - just jump in and post and you will get loads of good advice and support. The people on there have been a lifeline for me during my online dating trials and tribulations!

lubeybooby · 26/10/2012 10:00

I second what OhWesternWind has said, completely correct.

Plus, let's face it, if he removed his profile and declared undying love after two dates, you'd run for the hills right? And we would all be screaming redddd flaaaaaag!

Remaining on the site, with an active profile, talking to and even dating others is all perfectly normal until a monogamous relationship is agreed/becomes obvious and is actively talked about.

mameulah · 26/10/2012 10:13

I agree with what the others have said. Especially the part that if he had taken his profile down and declared undying love you would run for the hills. If he wants you he will come and get you. You just need to make it easy (relatively easy - make him feel good about himself etc) for him to do this. After your next date I would say lovely things to him so that he knows you had a great time but I wouldn't text him.

Before I met my DH for our first 'real life' date I painted on a heap of self confidence and decided that if he wasn't funny then I wasn't going to laugh at his jokes. By that I mean that you should be on your best behaviour but you shouldn't have to work hard to make it okay.

Try hard to enjoy it and if you see he is online then make sure he can see that you are looking online too. Even if it just means signing on to your profile so it looks like you are eyeing heaps of folk up.

The whole boy/girl dating thing is a game. And it can be quite an emotional rollercoaster but it is all part of it and I am sure it will be worth it in the end.

xxxxxxx

dippyeggs · 26/10/2012 13:29

I am in a similar boat re online dating. 5 dates in. There is a connection and some trust and a lot of 'like' and compassion and lovely company etc. I saw he had been online 'in the last 3 days' (after the 5 dates) when I went to delete my profile. Sort of ignored it but it does feel uncomfortable... Not sure I am experienced enough to advise sorry, in fact very very far from it - emotional rollercoaster says it all ! - but how do I find the online dating thread? Am quite new to all this.....

Good luck Makethepainstop xxxx

Nomorepain · 27/10/2012 22:40

Thanks for the lovely advice ladies xx

Wecanfixit · 09/11/2012 23:36

I find men do not take there profile off quickly as one guy told me "well I have paid the subscription so I may as well get my moneys worth", even if we ladies think it is not right they dont I think they see it as an ego boost , so no biggy I would not worry about it .

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