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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hat wars and soup-er dates, let the sausage see the roll... The Online Dating Thread reaches 25!

999 replies

Yogagirl17 · 23/10/2012 16:17

Erm...hope nobody minds?

OP posts:
KirstyWirsty · 24/10/2012 11:42

Hey snape you can set PM to restricted and not show his posts in your news feed as a temporary step instead of deleting

JoylessFucker · 24/10/2012 12:08

gettingit I'd love to be in a relationship with someone who wasn't too demanding of my time and energy. I'm busy and I'm very content doing stuff with other people when I'm not ... in fact, I'd miss my friends far too much if I was only ever doing stuff with 'the man'. BUT ... and its a big but ... I don't see why these busy men don't get that a sustained bit of effort at the beginning in order to get to the exclusive relationship, content coupledom stage is necessary. Maybe there are women who are happy to let it drift along, dating other people, until the one they want sorts out a window of opportunity to get it together. I'm not one of them though & sounds like you're not either ...

snape still feeling for you. How about you block PM's feed on FB. Then you won't get ambushed with stuff and you have to make an active decision to go & take a look. I've done that with a couple of exes who I don't want to cut out altogether and it has helped.

snapespeare · 24/10/2012 12:09

Kirsty that doesnt stop me knowing his name and searching for him (in all of those possible annoying interpretaions of that sentance)

It's more that I don't want to see posts of him having a whale of a time with newgirl (that would mean immediate deletion i think) but of course I want to see each and every post where he is suffering. (which he wont post anyway)

I did text him last night when I got in - sorry I forgot to say, 'bye then petname - last word?' theres been no response. I dont need one, but a nasty little bit of me hopes he is feeling as miserable today, as I.

JoylessFucker · 24/10/2012 12:09

oops x post on the FB thing! I clearly need to type faster ...
Smile

snapespeare · 24/10/2012 12:12

and i promise i will not instigate texting again. promise.

OhWesternWind · 24/10/2012 12:32

Snape feeling so sad for you. He has been such a big part of your life for a long time, it's going to take a while to adjust. All the stuff people say about keeping busy is such a cliche but true. Be kind to yourself and give yourself plenty of time. ((((hugs))))

Getting - well done for sending the text. No point in starting off a relationship where you're not happy with the set-up from the off. Good on you.

Well, as for me, I am feeling incredibly nervous (that word again) and have horrible butterflies. I will admit on here once only (well, I'll say it more if things go well tonight, maybe) that I really like him, as in I want a proper relationship with him, and I am worried that he doesn't feel the same. I wish he'd been reading this thread then he'd know what I was feeling and I wouldn't have to do all the worrying about pitching it right and I could just do what I wanted to. I think I am going to have to say something about this and the "playing it cool" thing if things go okay with his "nervous" conversation. He can go first though! Jesus, why are things so complicated? (A: Because I make them that way . . .). I need to say, though, that I'm not playing it cool because of game-playing or The Rules or any of that sort of shit, just because I am feeling vulnerable because I really like him and I don't know if he feels the same, so as a gut reaction I'm trying to protect myself by acting like I'm not bothered. God, this all sounds so stupid, but I'm scared of showing my feelings to him at the moment in case of rejection.

gettingitrightnow · 24/10/2012 12:45

JF -I totally agree.I have 5 dc (youngest 2,others teens) and a f/t job in mh,plus a life !!! So,yes,it would be annoying to have a man who wanted me at the centre of his...however,unless things get off the ground ,how can you tell if it's worth taking anywhere? It's a fine balance,but I guess a fairly good benchmark for dating.

My problem is I just can't do casual fun Grin. In a way,I wish I could,but my emotions get involved as soon as I dtd and then it is more difficult to make good decisions..clouds my judgement...Not that I want to wait for marriage or anything ....I'd be fine with something steady for a while...but the investment up front has to be made...

I really liked this man,too.But I feel played ,tbh. There is someone else I have been chatting with who is lovely and a good match...but from his photos is not someone I feel attracted to....any stories about these situations and meeting?

bantamrooster · 24/10/2012 13:22

gettingit - the only advice I have in my rather limited experience of OD is that generally people don't turn out to be more attractive than their pictures, they tend to be less so in person. Always look at the worst photo and that's how they'll (probably) look in real life.

However it's not all about how someone looks, is it? There's a lot of pheremoney type stuff going on, confidence, body language too. If he's lovely via email he may be nice in real life. But everyone is more thoughtful and witty behind a keyboard.

I've met someone who looked okayish on their profile photos, and was really sparkling and witty via text message, then in person - nada. And I met someone else who looked okayish (okay, quite nice), had pretty much no email or text contact apart from my first email and her response, and when we met in person it was pretty much lightning bolts from the blue.

of course, then she disappeared off the face of the earth after the second date, but still..

So, I found that too many emails and texts can build up an expectation of how nice someone is, then in person you don't have so many icebreakers to talk about while you work out if you fancy them or not. And if you don't you're disappointed. Not enough emails and texts doesn't give you enough info on red flags (i.e. whether they're serious or not)

And even though they may be lovely online you can't know if you fancy them or not until you meet them

mercury7 · 24/10/2012 13:27

i've met people who turned out to be better than the profile pics..ask to see s many pics as poss...better still chat on skype.
I now refuse to meet without a prior skype call..no more nasty shocks for me :o

Yogagirl17 · 24/10/2012 13:37

bantam - I think women are better than men at choosing good photos of themselves. There are some decent looking men with shockingly bad OD photos!

Meeting SoupBoy tomorrow for the first time. Based on his photo I'm not expecting him to be drop dead gorgeous, but...he looks so deadly serious in his photos. If he's quite bright and smiley in person that may completely change the way he looks. Still, not getting my hopes up too much...

I wish I could cut and paste men together from their profiles. There's a lovley guy who messaged me this morning - nice smile, bright sparkly eyes and lots of the same interests. But, lives too far away and a self-confessed workaholic with little free time.

Meanwhile, WTF is with men who have written novels instead of profiles? There's a couple that literally go on for pages...do they think anyone is reading all that?

OP posts:
bantamrooster · 24/10/2012 14:27

I was wondering whether I should put up a few tips on what not to put in your OD profile for those people who are thinking of writing one now. Will I get shouted down or would it be welcomed?

MirandaWest · 24/10/2012 14:46

My photos were actually a bit crap Blush. But they snared Mr Nice in Grin. He looks better in real life I think, although realise I may still have slightly rose tinted glasses :)

gettingitrightnow · 24/10/2012 14:55

Skype is a good idea.. I might try that one later and I agree that toouch messaging and texting builds up hope.. And can feel to me as if I am relating more to myself than another person. Maybe that is because of the ideal in my head...

snapespeare · 24/10/2012 15:24

WHY did he kiss me goodbye! WHHHHHHHHHHYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?

twice. on the mouth. no tongues. fuckssake.

Confused Sad
JoylessFucker · 24/10/2012 15:52

He kissed you because he loves you. He may not be in love with you, but there is absolutely no doubting that he loves you. You love him, but - sadly & painfully for you - you are also in love with him.

He is lacking in the awareness to have checked how you've felt since the previous fateful conversation. He wanted to keep you in his life so he just persuaded himself that you felt the same way he did and so it was OK to go on the way you were.

It is terribly terribly sad but I have no doubt that there is a tremendous amount of pain on both sides.
SadSad

snapespeare · 24/10/2012 15:59
Sad

really would appreciate no fb comments please - i know you're all being so very lovely, but would appreciate keeping it here where i have honesty and safety than on FB where he still is

JoylessFucker · 24/10/2012 16:03

I've had to chuck sexy man from OKC back in the pool. Nothing wrong with a bit of domination sexually, even happy to be 'told' what underwear (and to a lesser degree) outerwear to wear, but I draw the line at being 'told' to grow and dye my hair ... I'm beginning to think they're all bonkers on there. Next!!

I've updated pics & profile on Times/Telegraph/Time Out combo site & GS. Not exactly holding my breath though ... Even (yup, just give me a good smack) took out a 3 month subscription on eHarmony. I fully expect to be pissed off with it but have two good friends firmly singing its praises and insisting that patience must be displayed on there but that it does work. Hmm

Yogagirl17 · 24/10/2012 16:08

Well I didn't get the job I wanted. Which means I now have to decide whether to pay my lawyer's bill or continue to put food on the table. Also means I am going to cancel my date with Soup Boy because a)can't be arsed, b)can't afford the petrol to meet him in teh middle of bloody nowhere and c)need to spend the day applying for benefits - or at least figuring out what and how, something I have been putting off doing while they kept me hanging for the last month! Sad

I'm so sorry Snape, aside from everything else you've lost your best friend. You knew you had to do it regardless of the outcome & you will be better off in the long run than if you had carried on as you were. More hugs xxx

OP posts:
OhWesternWind · 24/10/2012 16:13

Yoga (((hugs))) for you too.

Too many negative things happening to too many wonderful people. I think we are all due for a huge run of fantastic luck very, very soon . . . Sorry if that's a bit woo but, you know, we are.

smoothieooo · 24/10/2012 16:48

I just had an email from a normal-looking man on Match asking if I still wanted male friends and perhaps we could meet for coffee. Just read his profile and saw that he'd typed 'ware' instead of 'where'. I can't... I just can't. I will have to think of a nice way to say 'thanks but no'.

Another from a man who told me I looked lovely but he's a good 4 inches shorter than me. I know these things shouldn't matter and I'm probably subconciously looking for a way out but still!

snapespeare · 24/10/2012 16:52

yoga sorry to hear about your job. Sad

Have texted female friend for drinks soon & sponge I am very happy to let you buy me cake at the weekend. Thank you.

Dreading going home in case notebook is there waiting for me.

bantamrooster · 24/10/2012 17:00

Smoothie the best way anyone on Match has successfully scared me off is to ask me if I want to meet all 8 of her cats to see if they trust me.

Another one told me she wanted children as soon as possible, so no playing around, she didn't have time to have fun with someone, she wanted to have children ASAFP. She seemed lovely and I'm open to the idea of having another child in the future, but that was a little bit over the top.

Spelling is also a big thing for me too. I wonder how many people write their profiles after several large glasses of wine?

JoylessFucker · 24/10/2012 17:07

Oh Yoga what a pain. I agree with Western and feel that the more woo the better right now. I'm certainly happy to be having some come my way with the shite going on in my world.

Oh & smoothie there's never anything wrong with having standards Smile

EiePie · 24/10/2012 17:13

Yoga sorry you're having a shitty time of it - I understand the 'can't be arsed attitude when everything else is difficult. Hope everything picks up soon. Hugs.

Smoothie I'm with you on the spelling thing - I feel a bit shallow but..I...just...can't! If they don't know their there from their their or their they're' (good grief I typed that carefully!) then it's a turn off for me. Ditto, height. I'm 5'7 and 5'9 is the shortest I go for. Love a six footer, though!

Bantam your date was obviously a Mad Cat Lady in the making. Wink

TimeForMeAndDD · 24/10/2012 17:23

Snape again, I'm so sorry. I hope you are doing ok under the circumstances.

Yoga I'm sorry about the job Sad It's bloody crap isn't it. I applied for a job yesterday, sent my CV, today they called me, invited me for an interview TOMORROW!! IF I am successful training starts on MONDAY!! The first day of half term. Rang school club to see if they would have space for DD but no, it's closed next week due to low numbers. Childminders full. So, if I get the job I am going to have to email The EX and beg him for help in some way, perhaps asking his mother to have DD, which DD will hate!! And because it's full days it means DD will have to sleep there so I won't see her all week. It's a temporary job for 6 months but it's school hours, and they might possibly keep me on at the end of the 6 months, so I really want to go for it, but boy, my stress levels are rising.

Hi to everyone else Smile