Hat wars and soup-er dates, let the sausage see the roll... The Online Dating Thread reaches 25!

[Yogagirl17]

Erm...hope nobody minds?

Madame you are very, very smart. I wish I knew all you lot a year ago.

No offence at all- but I do need to think about that, because it isn't an easy question and there won't be an easy answer. I kind of look at it as not being a quitter, because I do see that good side and because... I don't know, I feel, oh god, i feel sorry for him. I tend to put other people first because I know I'm resilient and I'll be fine in the end, so I do wade through shit, I am supportive I have a huge heart full of misplaced and frankly unwanted love and it has to go somewhere. I do get that it should go somewhere that deserves it, it's the unpeeling, because, foolishly, he's a huge part of my life and I'm a tiny little annoying after-thought in his, because he is selfish - and he does know that.

Head, table

Oops bit of an X-post there. And I forgot to call him Voldemort
Thing is, everyone, even the most odious abuser has "some good in him" - they have to be seen to have this, otherwise they would have no leverage to get what they want. So...that's not really saying much.

Not to say he's abusive of course, I just wanted to illustrate that with friendships, like relationships, you deserve the best. Like the curate's egg, it can't only be good 'in parts'

i think taking the power back isnt all its cracked up to be.

I did it with ywk. he still contacts me, usually when something shitty is happening in his life, like im some sort of emotional crux or something. Its not healthy for him.

He beggs, he was begging just last week. He will do anything if i agree to see him.

I wont see him. The tables have been massivly turned, i have all the power. I dont want it.

I would have rather the whole sorry thing never happened.

The only thing i feel is sad, when he begs to see me. I no longer believe anything he says, not even for a second, and, well, thats just sad all round.

I hardly talk to him now, maybe once every 3 or so weeks, always at his instigation, sometimes it takes me a few days of him trying.

But i dont feel angry, nor upset, nor anything about any of it, just indifferent now. I dont know, that took a very long time to happen. If i could have avoided all the hurt i had to go through to get to this point, i gladly would.

yoga - hurrah. you have had a lightbulb momment too. well done :) it is what we all told you, but you have to realise for yourself. We all tend to go through something similar post break up of marriage.... well done for realising it wasnt about him, but what you thought he was, and what your hopes were. and so, your self esteem grows..... :)

ha snape. we are so the same.

im like that too. ressilliant as fuck. and i think i can help people by being nice, and supporting them, and etc, etc... but you cant. People are responsible for their own actions.

And while i race around pouring my engery into other people, trying to be everything to them, when it comes to me, when the shit hits the fan, noone wants to help, or even be there. and thats not friendship. Ive learnt the hard way. When things are awful i have one person who i can call, who gives no emotional support, but does give practical help. thats it. Im on my own.

when any ' friends' have the tiniest problem, who do they call? me.
because i know all the stuff ( because ive experienced all the shit!!!) and i listen and care etc..

essentially i have been enabling people to treat me like this by letting it continue.
just as you have done.

there is, as ive found out, a fine line between being a nice person and being a total mug.

drag yourself out of the mug catergory :)

Have delurked to say to Madame O 'A real friend would have sat you down, looked in your eyes and faced up to the massive honour you were bestowing on him.' is so beautiful and true that it brought tears to my eyes...

Snape your time will come. You (and all of us) deserve the above. So Snape, get ready and continue to be strong. With regard to PM detach, detach, detach and move on.

We may not have those real-life supports, but we do have each other here - and a lot of people don't have that. So MN. :)

"I kind of look at it as not being a quitter, because I do see that good side and because... I don't know, I feel, oh god, i feel sorry for him. I tend to put other people first because I know I'm resilient and I'll be fine in the end, so I do wade through shit, I am supportive I have a huge heart full of misplaced and frankly unwanted love and it has to go somewhere."

I used to do this too. The thing is, people can have a good side and still be very bad for your mental, emotional and even physical health (because they are all linked anyway). It's not your JOB to wade through their shit, and if you take that on you will be hurt. And where is the inner you that's standing up for YOU in all this, the part of you that says "snape, you're going to get horribly hurt my lovely so back out of this one now. It's not going to end well and will give you nothing but grief".

What you said above that I've quoted actually indicates that you know what you are doing but you are doing it anyway. It's like you are walking full on into a big fire and thinking 'I'll be alright. Probably. I'm strong.' Yes you are strong but don't walk into the fire deliberately. Put yourself first and direct all that warm love at you.

:)

i thought the same about quitting too. im like a dog with a fucking bone. I see quitting as failing ( and i have HUGE issues around that)

you know what, noone else does, its just bullshit :)

dropping something because its not working out, or causing you pain, or whatever, is NOT quitting. Its having self respect and self worth to stop flogging a dead horse.

your life shouldnt be spent wading through shit, caused by other people. especially so when you have the ability to stop the shit.

so - STOP THE SHIT ( and i think that should be our next thread title ;) )

and yes, thank fuck for MN. and to the wonderful women on it.

onemorego - well said.

snape, why, because you know its wrong, do you think so little of yourself that you would deliberatley put yourself in the line of fire?

That is the ultimate question here i think.

andfuck, i know its hard. again, ref ywk. by brain was telling me that it was wrong, it was screaming it was wrong, but i followed my heart, again thinking i was strong, and the pay off would be worth it.

its not. it never is.
i was stupid.

It took so much to get to the point where i listened to myself... and then as my self esteem grew, my feelings towards him lestened, it was a long process though ( ive known him 3.5 years now. its only since maybe easter that ive felt indifferent towards him)

you deserve so much more. You are worth so much more, and i think the key thing here is you looking into that, and believing yourself that that is the case. truely.

I've been thinking about the situation with PM Snape and I wonder if you have noticed a difference in him since he got his job, I wonder if his confidence has grown and now he isn't so depressed he doesn't feel he needs you so much, iyswim? Before you and the kids were a comfort for him, he was loved, taken care of, reassured, had his head rubbed and all that stuff, but now he has got his act together he doesn't feel a need for all 'that stuff' any more. I may be wrong but it's the tone of his messages to you that have shocked me, he seems a very different man to the one he has previously been portrayed as. Bolshy springs to mind.

Morning all. Sorry for the somewhat incoherent messages sent during the date with Nurse last night, the wine and beer may have contributed somewhat. So now I'm awake, fuzzy headed and still with a grin on my face.

Broke my own rule about starting with coffee only so the beer goggles don't kick in too much, but when I first saw her I thought she was better looking than her worst profile photo, so not a bad start. And she was wearing 4 inch heels so a couple of inches taller than me, but I'd told her I was only 5 9 and 3/4 (to her 5'8) so she was pleased I didn't turn out to be a midget. And she changed into flatter shoes which made things a bit easier.

So, no awkward pauses in conversation, lots of grins, chuckles, a few belly laughs from both of us. Definitely want to get to know her more, so we're currently working on when we're both free for a second date.

Oh and there was lots of snogging on a train platform while some pisshead decided to lay down on the tracks in front of a train, and we managed between us to persuade him to get off them.

This is after an initial 'wink' from her on Wednesday evening, a 4 hour online conversation on wednesday night. Not so much conversation we'd built up too much expectation, but enough to know we're mutually interested and funny.

Cool.

That's an interesting point, but not to worry, it's a 6 month contract and he'll be all needy-head-rubby again when he's looking for work again and I wont be able to rub his ego 'head' I'll be on a beach with Tim Minchin knocking back rum-shots, celebrating the mahoosive advance for my collection of decoupage and watercolours.

Oh bantam. I'm delighted, that's how it's meant to be, isn't it.... 'Easy'

That's the spirit Snape! And I really hope you mean it, that you will not be there to pick him up off the floor when he hits it again.

sounds fab Bantam :)

haha, bet there is somehting in that. YWK still contacts me when the shit hits the fan.
then sort of goes into a panic, trying every trick in the book when im not as attentive as he would like.

pm will do the exact same. you can see it happening.

but by which time you will have healed, and you wont feel the same any more.
:)

and thats good. in fact its teriffic.

bant - yay for a good date. when it works its easy to spot and you just know :)

I would bet money that there is something in it, that he has got some edge about him now he has work, and then this woman from his past feeding his ego further. And you can bet he will be back when he starts to deflate.

Well I shall let you know when that happens (because it will) and we can all have a magnificent round of 'I told you so-ing' :)

Very difficult, isn't it. I don't want to feel any kind of smugness or happiness from anything that might cause him pain, because to do so depletes me as a person and chips away at my possibly over-inflated opinion of myself as a good and decent person.

Right, must hit the shower or poor-sponge will be wondering what the smell of stale tobacco and montepullciano is. (Is me!)

bantam - how lovely Yep, that's how it's meant to be!

Quick post from me as have to go and get ready for this afternoon's cake-fest

Snape I have very little to add to all the many words of wisdom (which have all put it far better than I could). Other than that I agree with everything that has been said.

And being an amazing person has its own rewards. For example, this afternoon you will get to have lovely tea and a HUGE slab of cake in my fab company while Voldemort is at home, on his own. This is not a cue to feel any sympathy for him however!

Bantam sounds like a great date - have you contacted her yet today? if not you should asap :) - waiting for a man to get in touch after what has appeared to be a great first date is awful!

He needs to feel that pain though Snape and he needs to be left with it, not be rescued from it, not have you make him feel better. So rather than feel any kind of happiness or smugness when he does fall flat on his face, take a step back and observe, help him by giving him the space to pick himself back up, that's still being a good and decent person, but without sacrificing or handing over anything of yourself. It will do you both good.

Have a fab time with Sponge

I do agree time. Oh you and your insight! :)

Righte, definately showering. I smell.

And can I just get this out there, because until I do it won't leave my head. Do you remember when we did the cosmic ordering a couple of months back? Well apart from my love order I placed an order for a job, with a deadline of the 12th November. I got the call confirming the job offer yesterday and the start date is the 12th November. Absolutely no word of a lie. How spooky and amazing is that??