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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex dp- Threatening test message?

21 replies

sassy34264 · 22/10/2012 15:49

I have posted before about my ex dp- he is currently in the process of taking me to court, because our 12 year old dd, refuses to see him. He was violent and will not except that dd won't see him. He has stated that i am stopping her.

I received this message at the weekend.

"Another time i should be seeing my daughter denied by you. I hope you know that you won't get away with what you've done this time."

We have been separated 11 years, he did continue to assaultl and threaten me at the beginning of the split, but stopped when i involved the police.

I find this message to be quite menancing though. Is it just me, being over sensitive?

He hasn't seen her since march, and has no-one else in his life as far as i'm aware (estranged from family and no friends) and it has crossed my mind that he has nothing to lose. Should i inform the police, or am i over reacting?

OP posts:
SugariceAndScary · 22/10/2012 15:52

I'd inform the police.

ShouldIWorryAbout · 22/10/2012 15:54

I'd inform the police too...

headinhands · 22/10/2012 15:55

I would make the police aware and seek legal advice. If he intends to seek advice securing contact then why not just get on with that. There is no need to text you that other than to upset you.

ObiWan · 22/10/2012 15:56

Do you have a solicitor dealing with the upcoming court case? Perhaps they could advise you, and send him a letter about the way in which he communicates with you.

There is probably no harm in contacting the police, at least there will be a log of what has happened. I'd be unnerved by a message like that too, given the history between you.

Original poster
sassy34264 · 22/10/2012 16:06

He sends a text every other weekend (the time he should be seeing dd) I blocked him a few weeks ago,as i was on holiday and didnt want them coming through, but for some bizarre reason they don't show up in messages, but a record of them shows up in my log list and when i click on it, i get the message. Confused

I don't have a solicitor. He doesnt have one (because they dont tell him what he wants to hear) so i have fought him myself, and done pretty well so far.

He tried to get an enforcement order on me during the summer holidays and i was up in a magistrates court, but they wouldn't issue it and said it's too complicated for them to deal with it, and they have now sent it back to the last judge ( who refused to see it, hence the magistrates, but has now changed her mind)

It's so draining..........11 years of this shit and i promoted contact- wish i'd never bothered.

OP posts:
ObiWan · 22/10/2012 16:22

If you don't have a solicitor, I'd definitely see if you can get the messages logged with the police.

Would it be posible for you to engage a solicitor? It sounds as though the whole thing might get more complicated if you are going to cite his violent/aggressive behaviour as a reason for your daughter not wanting to see her father. You might find it easier if you have documented evidence of his continued threats.

Original poster
sassy34264 · 22/10/2012 19:55

Thanks obiwan.

I have kept all the texts from 2008!

My dp has offered to get me a solicitor as he is sick of it too. But we have one just above average income with 2 adults and 4 children. I would feel like i was taking food out their mouths and clothes off their backs to give it to him iyswim. And we really couldnt afford it- it could go on for years.

I will take the opportunity to nip out tomorrow while dm is visiting and get it logged.

OP posts:
peppapigpants · 22/10/2012 20:00

I have had issues with the unpleasant behaviour of an ex (which doesn't begin to describe it, tbh) and the police were very helpful. If you ask the person to stop contacting you, and they persist, it is harassment. The police officer telephoned the person concerned (due to long distance) and gave them a warning over the phone. If the behaviour resumes, the person will be arrested.

This website might help. You don't have to put up with this.

seaofyou · 22/10/2012 23:58

sassy so glad you are going to get this text logged. Any threat should be taken serious esp with history of abuse and your 'gut' feeling.

You might be able to get a solicitor where you only pay so much as you may be entitled to some legal aid they will tell you or pay something every month like I am doing (for another reason no legal aid).

I think you could get a non molestation order again ask solicitor as first inital appointment if free...the way I look at it is this is a keeping safe money and worth cutting back on X Y Z for a few months to get the correct advice and support in court as your dd doesnt want to see her df and this may help her.

As peppa says this is harrisment and the law on this is better of late and hopefully something can be done as you have evidence....get logged incase you lose your phone etc

HissyByName · 23/10/2012 00:18

Log it. What's the worst that can happen? Any and every contact need to be logged so that you can present his harassment and menacing behaviour towards you.

Compile the evidence, let police, courts, SS do what they can with it!

deliasmithy · 23/10/2012 01:19

If the threatening nature of the messages increases, immediately make a call to the police. If he's still this angry after so many years, it's a worry.

bringupthebabies · 23/10/2012 01:48

I'd ask advice from the police too.

On another note, you say your DD is 12 - isn't that the age where a judge will take into account whether a child wants to see a parent? Might be worth checking. Have you asked for a CAFCASS report?

Original poster
sassy34264 · 23/10/2012 08:04

bringupthebabies hollow lol.

We have had 4 different cafcass officers and 7 or 9 (cant remember) reports!!!!

The last one just spoke over the phone for 5 mins and reported that i was hostile about him no shit sherlock

He has been taking me to court since she was 2, even though i have always given him contact........

First for parental responsibility, then joint custody, then for increased contact, etc etc.

My last post on him got an overwhelming response of personality disorder. He is not a rational reasonable person.

deliasmithy That has crossed my mind too. it's usual at the break up were they get threatening. When the magistrates didnt action the enforcement order and re posted it for dec, he was so angry he slammed out the court and even the usher was worried and told me to stay behind for a bit.

I know what you are saying about the sol sea but i just can't. I know what's going to happen. The hearing in dec will just be a direction hearing. She will ask me and ex dp to write yet another report about where we are at, she will ask a cafcass to do another report and then we will get another date after xmas.

I've done this sooooooo many times.

I'm struggling to get through life most days, got 3 under 2 and a halves and on anti d's. Just cant face it all at the moment. Even getting a sol feels mammoth.

Will definately go to the police today. I will ask if they will ring him, so that he knows that i have logged it.

OP posts:
Original poster
sassy34264 · 23/10/2012 08:24

Forgot to say thanks peppa will have a proper look when kids are changed and dressed (just sneaking on while they eat weetabix)

Sorry to hear you are having troubles. it's shit isnt it? Hope yours as improved with the police involvement though.

OP posts:
seaofyou · 23/10/2012 19:38

Totally understand sassy (((hugs)))
Stay safe and get that text logged even just reporting it at police station for now as concern...it's done and recorded then as 'evidence' incase you lose or delete it by mistake!

Bogeyface · 23/10/2012 20:00

How did you get on today sassy?

Original poster
sassy34264 · 23/10/2012 20:28

bogey I went to the local police station. It didn't start off well, as there was a queue and 15mins elapsed before anyone even appeared at the front desk! It went down hill from there.

I told her i wanted to have a log made of harrassing and threatening texts and she said, 'can you not just change your number?' Shock

I said no, as we have a daughter and we need to know each others number. So she asked about the texts-how many, what do they say? (all this in front of other people waiting to be seen.) and when i told her, she said, 'could it not be in relation to the court case, though and not threatening to you' (i had explained that he was taking me to court and that he had an history of domestic violence)

I think that that is appalling. What if i'd only just recently split up (she didn't ask) or if he'd pinned me down by my throat and threatened to kill me if i ever took his daughter away (which he did once when i told him i wanted to split up) she has no idea of the level of violence, my situation or anything.

In the end, i just interrupted her and said 'are you telling me i can't have this logged then? She said 'you can but i will have to action it' Said 'that's fine with me'

She then proceeded to ask me all my details, name address, telephone number, plus my exdp's details, in front of a packed reception. it's really quite shocking.

Anyway, in the end she came back from logging it, and said i would get a visit from the police to my home address thurs morning.

So hopefully they will be a little more dv aware............

OP posts:
Original poster
sassy34264 · 23/10/2012 20:35

Incidentally - I counted the texts from march, and i have had 28!

I have not replied to a single one, so it's not a case of a back and forth exchange.

OP posts:
peppapigpants · 23/10/2012 20:46

sassy, that's crap. I waited an hour but the officer took me aside and I was in a much more private area. He never made me feel as if I was over-reacting and the person committing the crime I reported is actually DP's ex-partner, so female! You'd hope that they would be a bit more clued up on the risks where it's a male ex-partner threatening a female Hmm

avenueone · 23/10/2012 20:47

You do not wish him to have direct contact with you - he only needs to have made contact with you twice for that to court as harassment under the act. To save you the money of a solicitor seek the polices' advice but they should intervene after two more from the time you report it. It may be a pain at first and you may feel you are wasting police time but you are not. The matter is in private law and it should stay there (from his side) by contacting you direct he is harassing you under public law which the police can help with. he is the one wasting police time by trying to bully you.

avenueone · 23/10/2012 20:49

also, if you have a local Barnardos DV unit have a chat with them - our local one is amazing.

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