Need tips on dealing with my moody/miserable DH, please - long, sorry!

[lilacblossom]

This is my situation: I've been with my DH for 11 years, married for nearly 6 of those. We have 2 gorgeous children - a boy of 3 and a half and a girl of 14 months. DH works away during the week and comes home weekends after a week working a very high-pressure job and driving 200 miles to see us. I'm a SAHM, desperate to go back to work part-time!

The main issue I'm having difficulty with is my husband's moods/behaviour. I really don't know how to condense in this post exactly how it is. Basically, what might seem like a very small/trivial thing to you or me will set him off in one of his moods where he won't talk to me. I hate confrontations and atmospheres, so my instinct is to ask what's wrong, try to cuddle him/show affection, say sorry even if I don't know WTF is wrong or I don't actually think I'm wrong. Today, for example, started OK. I said I was just going to get washed and dressed before I made him breakfast. Took me about half an hour to get myself and DD sorted. Came downstairs, he said he didn't want any breakfast, was obviously in a mood, arms folded, wouldn't talk to me. After a lot of cajoling he said: 'I don't want to have to wait 2 hours after I wake up to get a cup of tea'. Took about an hour of me trying to humour him to get him to talk to me. It seems that by getting dressed before I got him breakfast was symptomatic of 'my not loving him or caring about him' and always putting everyone else first. I've only just realised, after years of these moods, that they seem to come from insecurity or him not believing I love him. It's weird, isn't it? I am a very demonstrative and affectionate person, but no, this is not enough! Looking back on the day, it seems TOTALLY unreasonable that he is offended by my getting showered and dressed in the morning before I get his effing breakfast.

There are some more extreme examples which I will absolutely cringe to write down, because it will make me look like a proper doormat, but I will. My mother died recently and obviously it has been devastating. About a week after the event he came home for the weekend as usual. At the time, I was sleeping at my mum's house every night since she had passed away, it was the only way I could manage. I asked him if he minded if I took the children to sleep there with me that night - he seemed OK about it as he had work to be getting on with. When I came back the next morning he flounced off in a mood, wouldn't talk to me and just left. I was distraught. I managed to get him on the phone, and he said words to the effect of I didn't care about him, he'd come home to see us and we hadn't been there, he wanted to separate from me. Again, I eventually managed to talk him round. On the day of my mother's funeral he got angry with me for 'losing' all his certificates. (I hadn't, they were stored somewhere and I found them as soon as I went to look for them.) A couple of days after our daughter was born he refused to go and get a pint of milk and told me to go to the corner shop in the car. For some bizarre reason I couldn't get the car out of the drive, so ended up walking, bleeding and anaemic, uphill to get the milk. Still feel resentful about it now!

As I've written this down, I can see what a shit he can be. His mother has spoken to me about his behaviour (my FIL is the same, but even worse). She says the best thing to do is not to answer back or speak up when he is in a mood/one of his rages, but talk to him when he is calm. The problem is, either there never seems to be a time when he is being reasonable and the kids aren't around, and even so, I just can't find the courage or words to speak to him about it, despite being a very strong person generally and also articulate and able to see that this situation is weird and wrong. Also, on the rare occasion that I've retaliated in the heat of the moment he has accused me of being 'disrespectful', he gets even more angry, he walks out, I get upset, I end up saying sorry and we get nowhere.

I realise many of you reading may advise me to tell him to shove his breakfast/certificates/pint of milk up his arse. I have thought long and hard about it, and I don't want a separation or divorce - I don't think any of us would be happier in the long-term, and I am certain my life would be more miserable and problematic. I just can't find the courage to stand up to him - I would really appreciate your thoughts/tips/advice. His behaviour can be very draining at times, especially since I have been through a traumatic bereavement recently and some days feel like I am losing the plot. Anyone been in a similar situation and come through the other side? Thank you.

bojangleslady - "I end up having a panic attack and crying when he's not around" - this is incredibly sad. Your post is one of the worst things I have read on MN. Please try to find a way to leave - for your children's sake if you can't see that you too deserve a better life than this. xxx

If you are serious about dealing with him then write down in very positive ways what you want from your marriage with him. get you MIL to look after you child and spend some private time with him where you explain assertively what you want from a marriage. Till him how he makes you feel and that you do not want to continue to feel like this. Suggest solutions and a way forward. o not drink alcohol whilst having this conversation. You need to be clear, unapologetic
And focused. You are not happy. he is the cause. You wish that to change and you have some solutions.
it sounds as if he is very insecure. having a wife who rightly puts her children and her dying mother first leaves him feeling he doesn't matter. f he does matter to you then you have to find ways to let him know that in a way he will hear and understand
My DH work abroad most of the time and we go fro long walks where we talk out what is annoying / making us feel unhappy. we also plan nights out and weekends away. t gives us something to look forward to that is all about us and not about kids/ family etc.

If he won't sit down and talk and listen then you have. To decide whether this is the life you want for you and your children.

i think the problem lilac is that because its started off as easier to comply with the bad behaviour, it will be difficult to change it now.

Im afraid there will be no magic wand, no simple way to change him into someone else.

The way he treats you is actually shockingly bad, but you know that because you said in your opening post that some of those things make you cringe.

In your shoes, i would seek counselling alone. I doubt very much that you will ever manage to alter your DH behaviour by pleas or idle threats. I think you have one shot at it really - this is what i would do.

I would disengage completely from the sulking. Dont pander to it. If at this point it steps up a gear, and he becomes physically violent, you get out and you have your answers.
if not, and he continues to make your life a misery with his childish sulking, i would lay it on the line for him - he either seeks counselling himself to get to the bottom of what his issues are, he starts treating you with some respect, or its over. and follow through with it.
he will probably not take you seriously.
My marriage went through a very rocky patch about 17 years ago and the only thing that woke my DH up from his slumber was actually going. At that point, he realised and i meant it - he had to do the work. By that point i couldnt give a flying fuck if he wanted to make a go of it or not - and that was the difference - my attitude changed.
it led to his chaning pretty sodding fast.
we got through it, we are still together, he was never abusive, but i just felt we were drifting apart, he had inanimate objects he cared more about than me, (thats how it felt) and talking fell on deaf ears.
action worked. but it was not a game, or a gamble, because i was going, my mind was made up, it just so happened that it was the boot up the arse he needed.

i think there will come a point where you realise that this is untenable.

rather than sit him with a list - h wont listen or will argue back as to why you being silly/nonsensical/that he never said that etc - or give him a year like blue2 (a year!!! how long does he need?? he should start next weekend if he really wants to change!!)

just set yourself the task of reponding in a different way to one thing at a time, set specific boundaries. stay calm and dont react or "retaliate".

like with a toddler or child you cant tackle everything at once but you could certainly tell him that no you are not going to make him tea in the morning, that you expect him to get up and get his own. and get up and help with Dc breakfast.

you could tell him that you expect him to behave like an adult partner at weekends and help out with children/chores and everything else.

then call him up each time on specifics .

but it sounds like a lot of hard work -what reward will you get?

I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to send sympathy and hugs to you, lilacblossom.

My partner is not as nasty as yours but he is a grumpy, bad-tempered, emotionally-unavailable man - and if I'd seen this 13 years ago I would not have married him. Like your partner, mine is in a pretty permanent bad mood because of his job and takes it out on me. All of a sudden though, he has changed and I'm not sure why this is but it feels like too little, too late.

Anyway, to get to the point, I'm afraid I don't really have any tips of dealing with it. I have started to say (in a rather threatening tone of voice) "Don't you dare speak to me like that!" if he's nasty to me - and like I say he has been better lately but I don't expect it will last.

Thinking of you xx

Thanks, everyone. I'm touched that so many people have taken the trouble to respond and I wish I could reply to you individually.
I was really looking for some advice on being assertive with him, and clearly stating how I feel and see the situation, and I've definitely found some good advice here.
Just for the record, I'd already reached the conclusion that he is emotionally abusive, but it does help to have this confirmed by so many!
And I can't say that my 'submissive' behaviour is something ingrained during my childhood, which was very happy. It's just that I am naturally a peacemaker and a very affectionate person, so my natural instinct is to give someone a hug if they are in a mood - can't help it, it's the way I am and I won't apologise for it. Being assertive is not something that I am naturally good at, so I was/am looking for ways to learn this.
Anyway, I'm feeling positive today and confident that I can express to him how awful his behaviour has been and how in future I will speak up instead of putting up. Don't know what the future holds...if he wants to flounce off in a hissy fit and threaten separation, so be it. I am sure I can manage without him, though it's not my ideal scenario.
And my heartfelt sympathies to anyone who is going through something similar.
Thanks so much again, all, I'll keep you posted.

All the best, lilacblossom.

Glad you're feeling more assertive, just wanted to add my experience.
My exP did the sulking thing, would almost 'punish' me for pulling him up on something he'd done (or even making a comment he didn't like about a tv show FFS!) with extended sulking. Extreme sulking too - basically acting like I didn't exist for two days or more. At first it would drive me into a frenzy of asking him what was wrong, crying and apologising, which he would still stonily ignore. After a year or two I realised I wasn't going to put up with this and when he embarked on a sulk I would firmly but calmly say something like 'I refuse to be sulked at, you're not a teenager, I'm leaving to stay at (friend's house)'. I really meant it, was prepared to follow through, got my stuff together to go. First time I did it he said, no, please don't go just in time and we had a proper talk. I needed to do it a few more times but eventually he stopped altogether. However I should say that with him it was always just the sulking, no other EA behaviours.
Leaving for a friend's probably not an option for you but it might work equally with using the firm statement then briskly getting on with things and ignoring him and the sulk.
It is bloody exhausting and you shouldn't have to do it, but I get that you want to try before you leave for good. What he's doing is about teaching you a lesson, teaching you to shut up and pander to him to avoid his punishments. Be aware that if you show him that lesson isn't getting through he may escalate, eg. by issuing empty divorce threats in the hope that you'll beg and plead again. You'll have to be strong. Good luck, I really feel for you.

lilacblossom - Hope it all works out and good luck and stay strong x

Lilac, I think when you say you don't want to split the family up you perhaps aren't ready to accept that as an option. Fair enough. You need to work through all the other options first. But his behaviour is abusive and it can't go on. So either he changes or you will have to think about leaving.

Sometimes what stops anyone doing what they need to do is that they hadn't seen XYZ thing in their life script. They don't identify themselves as one of "those" people. Someone who left a marriage, for example. Someone who is a single parent. If your identity is bound up with your marriage and a family home then it's really hard to admit the possibility of it into your mind. But you might need to permit yourself to explore in your own mind being that person. Being a person who left their husband. Being a single parent. Not now perhaps but when you have a sense of whether he will change or not.

We all have things in our minds that seem like impossibilities. Not who we are. Sometimes those things are helpful and sometimes they stop us from making constructive choices.

Good luck.

How about saying (quite loudly and in tone of comical outrage):

'I BEG YOUR PARDON?' and laughing your head off at him when he says things like 'I don't want to have to wait 2 hours after I wake up to get a cup of tea', followed up with 'Have you actually heard yourself?'

Perhaps reflecting back to him how ridiculous and pompous and entitled he sounds...

Does he have a sense of humour? Will he see how ridiculous he is being if you draw attention to it in a humorous way?

This cuddling/hugging thing is not working is it, and makes you seem so desperate to appease him - bet he loves that!

If you are not afraid of him....and I don't know whether this is the case or not, but if you are not afraid, then perhaps this could help?

I would show him this thread and ask him to get counselling.

If he didn't agree to it I'd make plans to leave. I couldn't live with a man who behaved like this.

My DH can be moody - he gets exhausted with work - but he is never nasty to me. He just goes quiet. I ask if he's ok but then I leave him to it.

OP, my reaction to 'I don't want to wait two hours to get a cup of tea' would, honestly, have been:

'Well, perhaps you should have made your own! You know where the kettle is!'

I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the God's Honest Truth. I cannot imagine reacting any other way.

That's what's telling me, and others, that there's a problem here. It's not that your husband feels it's okay to make comments like that, it's that you're so conditioned into 'managing' him that you don't tell him he's out of line.

What was your response, if you don't mind? I'll put money that it involved the word 'sorry'.

Do something today - write down every negative comment he makes, and then, tomorrow read them back and imagine someone your son saying them. Imagine your daughter listening to them.

What's your reaction to that?

Lilac, read Drjohnsoncat's last post again it is very, very accurate. I was married to someone incredibly similar to your husband. I respect that your choice is to try absolutely everything to make it work. I found that as my children grew older he extended his behaviour to them and i had the added stress of tring to "normalise" it. No stratergies you can employ will change a person's basic personality. There is always the straw that breaks the camel's back. From your post my heart goes out to you and i hope it comes sooner rather than later.

OP, you absolutely do not need to apologise for being a kind, loving person. That is a great thing to be. It's so upsetting when some cold fish sees affection as a weakness to be despised, or a lever to exploit.

I don't get this thing that he's insecure. It sounds a lot more to me like he feels he is the centre of the universe and therefore entitled to be waited on hand and foot. He works hard all week and comes home to his family, where he expects to be welcomed as the triumphant home-comer without whom the family home would not even exist, because he pays for it. All well and good, up to a point; except if there were not a wife at home running the bloody thing it wouldn't exist either. Without her giving birth and raising those children he wouldn't have a chance to be the great weekend dad (who wants his breakfast made before his baby daughter is seen to, wtf?). He works hard all week; she too works hard all week, only unpaid, and without evening breaks or room service. So respect ought to work two ways, don't you think?

Worryingly, he doesn't seem to notice the household he's coming home to is made up of real, living, breathing people, not animated appliances. They, too, have feelings, so things like relatives dying are going to affect them in more ways than simple operating efficiency. They aren't robots, they aren't even hired servants, they are supposed to be there for reasons of love and mutual comfort. He thinks he's bought them. That's not very healthy.

I know this is now an old thread, but I came across it as I searched for some thoughts for my own particular situation (moody BF, feel like I'm walking on egg-shells all the time.) So it has been useful to me to see others' views.

While I am in no way excusing your H's behaviour, and I give you full credit for trying to improve the situation, I do wonder what impact his working away from home through the week is having on him and your relationship. He is removed from the daily routines of your family life, and I am guessing also feels slightly sorry for himself that he is away during the week which may influence his behaviour during the weekend. Do you think it would be any different if he was home-based during the working week? If it might help your relationship, would tweaking his work habits make a difference? I wonder also whether he is happy with the status quo of the relationship. Does he recognise that the quality of your relationship is not as it should or could be? If not, then that is a bigger hurdle to overcome.

Certainly, no-one can change someone or a situation if they don't want to change as well.

I just wondered if anything had changed now? How are you?

lilacblossom you wrote this a while ago. Have things improved?

Hi everyone. Just need a bit of advice or shall I say opinion I find myself now thinking that is this me are these problems me ? My husband of 21 years has always had a fiery nature but over the years he has become worse. Mood swings terrible hes left twice. I understand that because of a cancer diagnosis 18 months ago this must be playing in his mind but his behaviour has always been erratic. He basically accuses me of never being at home . The only place I go is to my daughter's to have my grandson or work or my mum's. I sometimes take my grandson home to save any arguments. He says I don't work together with him . I work 24 hours a week . See to the house the bills etc. I also used to help look after my dad before he passed away 3 years ago . I loved my dad dearly I have even been told I have too many pictures of my dad etc Eric and I'm turning the house into a shrine. I only have 2 pictures fgs. I also have started to sleep in the spare room because I snore he gets nasty about this and says horrible things . I know its not good but to help I said I would sleep in the other room to eliminate and fiction but now I get told that we are never intimate very often. He says that he pays for everything which simply is not true I very often offer to pay for things and he says it's fine I'll get it then he throws it in my face. He smashed things in temper and has broken lots of things. He once when my daughter was smaller because she mid behaved made her run about 4 miles to his brothers house about ten I click at night in the freezing cold to teach her a lesson when his brother brought them back I did warn him never to do that again. He is jealous of my dog and moans if I take the dog out when he's not there but I do this for my own sanity.he says I should go to work more if he gets in one sometimes he smashed thing and bangs things. Last night for example I put the quilt cover back on his bed after washing it and for some reason there was some fluff coming off it into the bed and the floor omg he blew up like a bottle of pop. Said that if things didn't change he was leaving again and then proceeded to band and so am the doors etc. He said I had done it deliberately to aggravate him. There is much More but I'd be at it all day. I'm constantly worrying and blaming myself.

My head is constantly mashed. I'm obviously not good enough.

Batty (you're not , whatever he tells you ) , this is an old thread started by someone else, so you will do much better to start a new thread of your own.
You do not deserve to live like this.

Batty, he sounds totally horrible.
I'd give him two options :
A. Start treating you with kindness, and both work towards making things work well for both of you.
B. Sell up, split everything and start again apart.
If there's any spark of decency in him he will choose A if he can't manage that - which is a simple request really - then move on with your head held high - he wasn't worthy of you .

Original Poster - hope your petulant husband has 'manned up' and you are doing well !

Do you want to teach your daughter that being someone's wife means becoming a subservient slave?
It should be about mutual respect for one another not you bending over backwards to please him and him behaving like a four year old when he doesn't get what he wants.

OP, I have a close friend who was in a very similar situation to yours. We became friendly when our children were young. Her marriage came to a head about 10 years ago when her boys were about 9 and 5. She stuck with it. She is not from an abusive background, has a lot of family support, his family loved her, she is quite strong but also very emotional/kind.

He remained a miserable bastard - moody, unhappy, arguing, judging her as not loving him enough if she did/said anything. She tried everything to get him to change/feel better etc. nada. 10 years on she could take no more and they are divorcing.

Her oldest son hates his father and has done for years. Their relationship is pretty much non existent. The 18 year old moved out of her house telling her he associates it with misery and hated living there. Her 15 year old has not much of a relationship with his dad but ironically enough it is getting better now they no longer live together and his father has to make an effort.

The 18 year old is best friends with my son and I can see clearly that the kid, while very nice, has issues with relationships and his expectations of them.

She feels it would have been better for everyone if they had split 10 years ago - her children might have forged a better relationship with their father instead of just thinking of him as a miserable git, their home would have been way happier on a day to day basis, and both boys wouldn't have seen the primary male/female relationship in their lives as being one in which a man sets the tone in the house and a woman has to try to make it better.

your children will see how he treats you and take it as the norm (exactly as your husband did - he learned this behaviour is normal from his own mother and father), they will likely replicate it in their own relationships one way or another - as your dh did. Your home will not be happy. He will not go to counselling, he seems to have no insight or desire to change so you will just end up putting up with it. Think long and hard.

My dd is married to a moody man but I can tell you what you have described is a whole bigger ball game. This is terrible - you have just lost your dm and you are having to put aside your grief to baby your dh who still cannot put aside his sulking for one weekend.

By moody, my dd's dh said hello went I called on Friday, then sat ignoring us and the children on his mobile. My dd then blasted him in front of us stating that if he put his damn phone down, participated in family life, then he would know what everyone was talking about. That's moody and rude. On the other hand, he would do anything for me, although he is a DIY disaster. This is far removed from what you describe, isn't it.

Well, that is my dd's coping strategy. This is absolutely not a solution for you though is it?

I cannot see that your life can be any worse than this, other than the financial implications. Just think, you would be able to spend more time with your two children (not three) without having to appease a man child each weekend and walk on egg shells.

I think you know the answer, but you would prefer to be offered coping strategies. MN's style can be very confrontational and as such you will be confronted with what you do not want to hear. You honestly deserve so much more than this as you sound a caring, lovely person.

Don't delete, just take what you want from the thread because you have canvassed opinion.