This is my situation: I've been with my DH for 11 years, married for nearly 6 of those. We have 2 gorgeous children - a boy of 3 and a half and a girl of 14 months. DH works away during the week and comes home weekends after a week working a very high-pressure job and driving 200 miles to see us. I'm a SAHM, desperate to go back to work part-time!
The main issue I'm having difficulty with is my husband's moods/behaviour. I really don't know how to condense in this post exactly how it is. Basically, what might seem like a very small/trivial thing to you or me will set him off in one of his moods where he won't talk to me. I hate confrontations and atmospheres, so my instinct is to ask what's wrong, try to cuddle him/show affection, say sorry even if I don't know WTF is wrong or I don't actually think I'm wrong. Today, for example, started OK. I said I was just going to get washed and dressed before I made him breakfast. Took me about half an hour to get myself and DD sorted. Came downstairs, he said he didn't want any breakfast, was obviously in a mood, arms folded, wouldn't talk to me. After a lot of cajoling he said: 'I don't want to have to wait 2 hours after I wake up to get a cup of tea'. Took about an hour of me trying to humour him to get him to talk to me. It seems that by getting dressed before I got him breakfast was symptomatic of 'my not loving him or caring about him' and always putting everyone else first. I've only just realised, after years of these moods, that they seem to come from insecurity or him not believing I love him. It's weird, isn't it? I am a very demonstrative and affectionate person, but no, this is not enough! Looking back on the day, it seems TOTALLY unreasonable that he is offended by my getting showered and dressed in the morning before I get his effing breakfast.
There are some more extreme examples which I will absolutely cringe to write down, because it will make me look like a proper doormat, but I will. My mother died recently and obviously it has been devastating. About a week after the event he came home for the weekend as usual. At the time, I was sleeping at my mum's house every night since she had passed away, it was the only way I could manage. I asked him if he minded if I took the children to sleep there with me that night - he seemed OK about it as he had work to be getting on with. When I came back the next morning he flounced off in a mood, wouldn't talk to me and just left. I was distraught. I managed to get him on the phone, and he said words to the effect of I didn't care about him, he'd come home to see us and we hadn't been there, he wanted to separate from me. Again, I eventually managed to talk him round. On the day of my mother's funeral he got angry with me for 'losing' all his certificates. (I hadn't, they were stored somewhere and I found them as soon as I went to look for them.) A couple of days after our daughter was born he refused to go and get a pint of milk and told me to go to the corner shop in the car. For some bizarre reason I couldn't get the car out of the drive, so ended up walking, bleeding and anaemic, uphill to get the milk. Still feel resentful about it now!
As I've written this down, I can see what a shit he can be. His mother has spoken to me about his behaviour (my FIL is the same, but even worse). She says the best thing to do is not to answer back or speak up when he is in a mood/one of his rages, but talk to him when he is calm. The problem is, either there never seems to be a time when he is being reasonable and the kids aren't around, and even so, I just can't find the courage or words to speak to him about it, despite being a very strong person generally and also articulate and able to see that this situation is weird and wrong. Also, on the rare occasion that I've retaliated in the heat of the moment he has accused me of being 'disrespectful', he gets even more angry, he walks out, I get upset, I end up saying sorry and we get nowhere.
I realise many of you reading may advise me to tell him to shove his breakfast/certificates/pint of milk up his arse. I have thought long and hard about it, and I don't want a separation or divorce - I don't think any of us would be happier in the long-term, and I am certain my life would be more miserable and problematic. I just can't find the courage to stand up to him - I would really appreciate your thoughts/tips/advice. His behaviour can be very draining at times, especially since I have been through a traumatic bereavement recently and some days feel like I am losing the plot. Anyone been in a similar situation and come through the other side? Thank you.