Need tips on dealing with my moody/miserable DH, please - long, sorry!

[lilacblossom]

This is my situation: I've been with my DH for 11 years, married for nearly 6 of those. We have 2 gorgeous children - a boy of 3 and a half and a girl of 14 months. DH works away during the week and comes home weekends after a week working a very high-pressure job and driving 200 miles to see us. I'm a SAHM, desperate to go back to work part-time!

The main issue I'm having difficulty with is my husband's moods/behaviour. I really don't know how to condense in this post exactly how it is. Basically, what might seem like a very small/trivial thing to you or me will set him off in one of his moods where he won't talk to me. I hate confrontations and atmospheres, so my instinct is to ask what's wrong, try to cuddle him/show affection, say sorry even if I don't know WTF is wrong or I don't actually think I'm wrong. Today, for example, started OK. I said I was just going to get washed and dressed before I made him breakfast. Took me about half an hour to get myself and DD sorted. Came downstairs, he said he didn't want any breakfast, was obviously in a mood, arms folded, wouldn't talk to me. After a lot of cajoling he said: 'I don't want to have to wait 2 hours after I wake up to get a cup of tea'. Took about an hour of me trying to humour him to get him to talk to me. It seems that by getting dressed before I got him breakfast was symptomatic of 'my not loving him or caring about him' and always putting everyone else first. I've only just realised, after years of these moods, that they seem to come from insecurity or him not believing I love him. It's weird, isn't it? I am a very demonstrative and affectionate person, but no, this is not enough! Looking back on the day, it seems TOTALLY unreasonable that he is offended by my getting showered and dressed in the morning before I get his effing breakfast.

There are some more extreme examples which I will absolutely cringe to write down, because it will make me look like a proper doormat, but I will. My mother died recently and obviously it has been devastating. About a week after the event he came home for the weekend as usual. At the time, I was sleeping at my mum's house every night since she had passed away, it was the only way I could manage. I asked him if he minded if I took the children to sleep there with me that night - he seemed OK about it as he had work to be getting on with. When I came back the next morning he flounced off in a mood, wouldn't talk to me and just left. I was distraught. I managed to get him on the phone, and he said words to the effect of I didn't care about him, he'd come home to see us and we hadn't been there, he wanted to separate from me. Again, I eventually managed to talk him round. On the day of my mother's funeral he got angry with me for 'losing' all his certificates. (I hadn't, they were stored somewhere and I found them as soon as I went to look for them.) A couple of days after our daughter was born he refused to go and get a pint of milk and told me to go to the corner shop in the car. For some bizarre reason I couldn't get the car out of the drive, so ended up walking, bleeding and anaemic, uphill to get the milk. Still feel resentful about it now!

As I've written this down, I can see what a shit he can be. His mother has spoken to me about his behaviour (my FIL is the same, but even worse). She says the best thing to do is not to answer back or speak up when he is in a mood/one of his rages, but talk to him when he is calm. The problem is, either there never seems to be a time when he is being reasonable and the kids aren't around, and even so, I just can't find the courage or words to speak to him about it, despite being a very strong person generally and also articulate and able to see that this situation is weird and wrong. Also, on the rare occasion that I've retaliated in the heat of the moment he has accused me of being 'disrespectful', he gets even more angry, he walks out, I get upset, I end up saying sorry and we get nowhere.

I realise many of you reading may advise me to tell him to shove his breakfast/certificates/pint of milk up his arse. I have thought long and hard about it, and I don't want a separation or divorce - I don't think any of us would be happier in the long-term, and I am certain my life would be more miserable and problematic. I just can't find the courage to stand up to him - I would really appreciate your thoughts/tips/advice. His behaviour can be very draining at times, especially since I have been through a traumatic bereavement recently and some days feel like I am losing the plot. Anyone been in a similar situation and come through the other side? Thank you.

I suspect that the answer to how to fix this may be that you can't. He has to want to change for some reason. Pandering to him enables this behaviour and undermines you as you are seeking an approval that will not come perhaps. When you do things for him, does he say thankyou? Does he appreciate it?
He has already shown that he is going to be stubborn when it comes to change as he would rather go without his treasured brew than make it himself. He is seeking your full attention regardless of having DC's and in a very immature way, because of the DC's needing you and he's not happy to share - I would guess that he has been more moody singe they came along.
Well share he must. One person, 2 hands and if both busy with other things then you can only hope he may see the light by saying you are busy so he must do things for himself. If he would rather sulk, let him, after he has sulked enough, maybe then you will see him for the self-entitled person he is or surprise you and get off his but and make that tea himself. There's only hope if you stand your ground - even then it sounds like a slim one. It does not sound at all like he craves your love (you say you are demonstrative) more your attention, all the time, stamping his foot in a childish sulk if he doesn't get it.

Tip on being more assertive -you have to believe that you are just as important as him (which you are) and that your part in this relationship is equal, at the moment it doesn't come across that you you think that way.

Do you think he's happy? With himself, you, your relationship? I would ask him. This isn't about pandering, it's about improving communication.

He sounds like a - more obnoxious - version of my ex. Always sulking and moody, increasingly able to ruin big occasions with his moods. I made a lot of allowances - stressful job, dysfunctional childhood. Then he blindsided me by leaving. The moods had always been there but were increasingly a reflection of his feelings towards our relationship and because I saw him as a moody bloke I didn't pick up on it.

That self-obsessed observation aside, I do believe human beings have a habit of testing boundaries and many of us are inclined to act as badly as we can get away with any given person. You need to reassert some boundaries and make clear he cannot act like a spoilt child around you.

Is it possible to move closer to where he works so he can come home every night. Perhaps he might not behave like a hotel guest then expecting to be waited on.

Or could you be closer to your family/friends so you have a larger support network?

Has he always been like this or has something set him off do you think?

Something has got to change as you both sound miserable as sin. This is no way to live.

"I just can't find the courage to stand up to him "

Assertiveness starts with the genuine belief that you are as important as anyone else. Once you believe that, your opinions, desires, needs, actions and - crucially in this case - your words will fall into place.

Put it this way. If your postman let himself into your home, sat down, behaved grumpily and complained about the length of time that had passed before a cup of tea was delivered you would ask them what the hell they thought they were playing at and probably tell them to leave. The only material difference between your husband and the postman is a wedding ring.

At the moment you see yourself as peace-maker and peace-keeper. You believe it is your job to make your DH and the family happy. You believe the answer to grumpy/childish behaviour or bad moods is love and cuddles. Sadly, to the unreasonable, controlling or selfish person who is using their bad moods as a way to keep you on the back foot, all of the above makes you an object of contempt. They take advantage of your forgiving nature, they know you'll never leave and the emotional bullying therefore gets worse rather than better.

Where to go from here. Find your voice. If not for yourself then for your children who deserve better than to see their mother treated so contemptuously. Ignore his mother.... she's not only biased in favour of her DS but she's opted to waste her life tiptoeing around an abusive man. Don't repeat her tragic mistake. Say 'no' more often... ignore sulking... demand civility and stop making allowances. You are as important as he is. Zero tolerance.

I was really shocked by your op. He is emotionally abusive, manipulative, sulky, unsupportive . . .

I can't understand what advice you want or that could help you seeing as you don't want to hear how awful he is.

I know you don't want to hear it but this is what i think . . . This man won't change, you will spend your life being miserable with him because you seem to think that's worse than being alone (you should probably think about what's you feel is so terrible about being single), he is NOT a good father because to be a good parent you need to set a good example, he (and you) are setting the example to your children that you must either be abusive or an abuse victim. Just like his parents did. You see the cycle continues. YOU are continuing it at the expense of your children. Are you miserable being with him? Why do you want the same for your kids?

Yet you of your mate laugh about it. Ha ha ha its so funny Im fucking up my kids lives ha ha ha.

I sympathise with you but you bloody make me angry too.

This isn't just about you and how its easier for YOU not to leave an abusive man. Your children won't thank you for it. Not even remotely. They might even hate you for it.

Thanks, everyone. There's some really good advice here.
BabsJansen Yes, it has occurred to me that he's probably very down generally, not necessarily depressed. He's just one of those people who sees the worst in every situation. I'm far more happy and fun despite the fact that I've been devastated by seeing my mother drop dead, for f*'s sake! We're very different personalities.
Megan74 Sorry to hear your husband is cast from a similar mold. I agree the 'bright and breezy' approach is a good 'un. Have tried it before. Find it draining though! But the whole thing is draining!
Astelia Moving closer to his work isn't practical as he's only far away for the next 6 months then will be looking for something closer to home. And, tbh, I prefer only living with him part-time. Much easier. Yes, he has always been like this, but I only really noticed after we got married (too late!), and it's got worse, inevitably, after having the kids as clearly the attention was no longer all focused on him.
I think the way forward is to convey to him exactly how his behaviour affects me and how awful is. I'm sure he knows in his heart how ghastly it all is, but I feel the need to say it to him clearly and for him to know I can't accept it any more. Thanks everyone for your kind words.

Bless you OP
You are so entrenched in this abusive relationship that facing reality is terrifying. I think a lot of posters on here will empathise with that. So you aren't ready to leave your abuser, but you are slowly realising that his behaviour is not ok or normal. You maybe need to feel you have tried everything before you give in?
Ok. So don't pander to him. He sulks, you ignore. He makes an atmosphere, you take kids and go out for the day. You go to bed early and watch a film in bed. Give him no reward for his foul behaviour. Do not placate, do not apologise, do not offer affection.

Of course, this won't work, he won't change, he will find another way to abuse and control you. But maybe you will realise that he cannot be changed into a nice man, because he isn't one.

How is he a good father ?
He can't make himself a drink!! He treats you like a slave

Yep, he isn't a good father. Good dads don't sulk around the house. My dad was a passive aggressive sulker at times, the whole house would revolve around his shitty mood. It wasn't fun.
I can't imagine he takes an equal share of the shitwork either does he? Night waking? Cleaning up puke and diarrhea? Or is he the kind of 'good dad' who can handle a couple of hours of Funtime as long as the kids are clean and fed, and he doesn't have anywhere better to be?

Please consider the impact he will have on your children's lives - probably their whole lives.

Children who grow up in a house where a parent is entitled, moody, aggressive and unreasonable learn to walk on eggshells. They learn to fear anger and disapproval - they learn inappropriate responses to it that they will take into their adult lives. In time they will learn that their father was an abusive man, but it may take them decades to realise this though, to understand that it wasn't their fault. After this, they will wonder why their mother allowed them to be subjected to this, why she allowed herself to be subjected to this.

I know this because my mother was similar in many ways to your H.

If you must stick with it in an attempt to change him and your family dynamic, then please at least give yourself a time limit, maybe a year. He won't change but I can understand that you feel the need to try. Unfortunately, he probably doesn't feel that need so he won't.

So, talk to him, explain the problem. Explain the impact on the children. Try your hardest to be more assertive yourself, or to ignore his moods and leave him to it.

Once the time limit is reached though, please have the strength to walk away. For your sake, but mostly for your dc sake.

Hi Lilac
Looks like the MN's have been out in full force since I posted just before I went to bed last night!

Your post sounds pretty similar to my situation ATM; I live with a man who I used to love. He was happy - we laughed a lot - and we shared the same values (and still do).

But - over the years, he's descended into a moody person. Locks himself away for most of the w/end in his study "working", reappearing for meals and then disappearing again without even helping to tidy up. Awful example for dc's...

His job is very stressful and he's away a lot, and I know he puts his 'all' into it, but that means that we get all the shit at the weekends. Its stressful - so stressful. I never knew that Monday mornings could feel so good!

I had it out with him last night, because I don't want to split the family up. I sat him down last night, after supper and after we'd had a glass or two of wine, and gave it to him straight. Told him that deep down I knew he was the same person, but he either had to get help, change his job, seek counselling (with or without me) or do something. I know he doesn't want to split up either, BUT HE HAS TO CHANGE.

I've given him a year to do this; he's not a scheming bastard who'll strip out our bank accounts in the meanwhile and he's agreed to try to do this. He needed someone to give him a verbal slap around the cheeks to say "This cannot continue"

Watch this space (for 12 months!) to see what happens, but if we do split up, I know we've given it our best shot.

So, Lilac - don't leave the bastard yet. Give him a chance. He may change... or he may not. Good Luck and keep posting.

You are spoiling this big manchild, stop.

I also wonder op about your own examples growing up. I used to be a peace keeper and felt that it was my problem if others were unhappy, had to keep the peace, avoid arguments or felt very uncomfortable about them, put up with being treated very badly by men including not being allowed out, emotionally manipulative behaviour, belittled, disparaged, eventually hit.

After years and years i learnt that i can not change or control someone else's behaviour, that the responsibility is entirely theirs. Previously i had never been able to say no or stand up for myself in anyway.

I realised that i had learnt this from my mum. I had been taught by example to keep the peace even though in the long term it wasn't the solution. I've had counselling and learnt to be assertive.

My relationships from then didn't survive because my exs didn't want an assertive woman, they wanted a little mouse of a girl.

Is it possible to move closer to where he works so he can come home every night.

Jesus! That sounds like an awful idea!

Please don't get upset by constructive criticism lilac, posted by people with your best interests at heart. You might not like what you hear but you know deep down it's the truth.

I am saddened by his horrible behaviour when your mum died. Even a distant friend wouldn't act like that - least of all your partner and someone who is supposed to love and care for you.

It seems to be all about him.

Listen to your mil and reinterpret her words
She says the best thing to do is not to answer back or speak up when he is in a mood/one of his rages, but talk to him when he is calm.
That is her life. Do you want the same?
It sounds like you are dealing with a child not a man.

Advice on being assertive - get him to go to counselling with you and address the way he treats you or leave him.

He let you walk to the shops to get milk when you'd just had a baby because he couldn't be arsed and would rather you wait on him.

The trouble with walking on eggshells all the time is that it does not matter how lightly you tread, they still break.

Op , you are not his wife you are his slave .

He's an abuser and Tbh I find it sad that you don't seem to be able to see how bad his behaviour is , especially when he's been so awful and selfish towards you at the time when he should be most supportive following the loss of your mum.

I also wonder if he could be seeing someone else during the week ( could be totally wrong) but abusive men have no guilt and think nothing of lieing .

Don't put up with living like this , think of your children

OP, the problem is that you are locked into deep-seated behavioural patterns that have obviously got their roots in his own childhood. And, as you pointed out, your behaviour earlier in the thread was a mirror of his. So - games everywhere.

These patterns are hard to break, and you can't do it: only your husband can. He is implicated directly in a form of relating where he regresses. At that point, he becomes a child, and you the parent, and he acts out his history - probably without even knowing it.

Therapy of one kind or another is really the only thing that is going to help. And it is going to need his willing participation. He is going to have to be able to step outside of this enough to see what he is doing with a modicum of insight.

That is why people are advising you to leave - because there is nothing you can do on your own. It really is his call. If he makes that call, then you can support his process - while at the same time looking at your own, and asking perhaps a difficult question: what about your psychological make-up makes you stay in an intolerable situation? And why are you being asked to collude by your MIL? That might be the hardest thing to address of all.

Please dont delete this thread, I know which posts you are talking about, but these come from people who haven't been in 'our' situation and don't realise what its like.
My husband is like yours and I have thought about leaving him SO many times. But I don't have a job and because I have two small kids and no one to look after them I can't get one. My husband doesn't earn enough money to pay for all the family bills and get a place of his own, plus, the kids would be lost without him.
I had councelling at the start of this year to gain confidence and now when he starts I ever back away and let him have his teenage mood swings or I tell him how unreasonable he is being. Doesn't always work and I end up having a panic attack and crying when he's not around, but its working more and more.
At the end of the day he needs to be told by yourself, that what he is doing is wrong, hurtful and disrespectful. It will be hard for him to hear, but maybe you should start a diary, just like your post here and then he can see what he's doing written down?
You are a wonderful mother, wife and person and you are the strong one in your relationship. Ignore the hurtful comments on this page and if you still feel the need to delete your post, message me and we can talk privately :O)

"At the end of the day he needs to be told by yourself, that what he is doing is wrong, hurtful and disrespectful".

As if he is now going to listen at all to lilac anyway!. The only way this person is going to take any real notice of lilac is for her to walk away and fast in the opposite direction. This has is and always has been about power and control.
Being assertive can only work up to a point when you are dealing with an emotionally abusive indivudual like you are; the abuse still remains and you jsut go around in circles. You still are very unhappy.

A person cannot also hold together what is a failing relationship on their own.
He does not give a monkeys that he is in the wrong here. I would also argue that Lilac's H already knows how disrespectful he is being towards her and actively enjoys seeing her discomforture. He does not think he is doing anything wrong in the least.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here?. I put that question to you as well as Lilac. Both of you women are teaching your children damaging lessons about relationships and they will not thank you as adults for staying with such damaged individuals. Your children as adults could well go onto wonder why you each put your bloke before them. Not a legacy you want to be leaving them.

Lilacs DH learnt a awful lot of damaging crap from his own parents (he has had an overtly dominant father and a weak mother who is now basically telling lilac to try and talk with her H only when he is calm!) and those lessons have not surprisingly been carried over into his adult relationship now.

"it's got worse, inevitably, after having the kids as clearly the attention was no longer all focused on him."

That's the root of it, isn't it - that everything has to be about him. What you choose to do depends on whether you are happy for him to come first all the time, in every detail, for the rest of your life.

bojangleslady. Your life with him sounds awful. There is always a way to manage financially, that's what benefits are for. I would get advice if i were you.

Hi - it is difficult to see options that will improve your situation.
Remember though,

You don't have to do all that for him...he can look after himself
You don't have to care so much about his moods.....he is responsible for controlling himself and for his own emotions
You are not responsible for his happiness...it is his life. Don't feel bad about that. You would never ask another person to take responsibility for your happiness or wellbeing.

If you are determined to stay with him then you could try to stop doing so much for him....don't be confrontational or defensive, just stop. You could also try to ignore his moods. Again, just force yourself not to react...

Try to concentrate on what will make you as happy as possible within this setting. The trouble with these kinds of guys is that they have everyone running round them but they are never happy. No point keep trying really...because there is nothing that you can do to make this guy happy. Nothing will ever be good enough for him. Accept that and do what you can to keep yourself as cheerful, happy, sane as possible.

Personally, I'd leave him (I did leave my moody, lazy, entitled husband in the end).

I'm always shocked at the behaviour people will put up with in their own home.

Good fathers don't treat their children's mothers like this!

I couldn't live like this and would be finding any way I could to live another way. Do you, OP, really think he can change? He's got worse since you married. You've told us you won't leave him. What makes you think he can change? He certainly seems entrenched in his behaviour.