Hollow laugh from the OW

[Dandythelion]

I was the OW. As well as sweeping me off my naive feet into a 50 shades type sexual thrall, he convinced me that the marriage was dead, he'd hated her for years, he only stayed because he felt sorry she was going bald (!), they only had pity sex, she was horribly unstable and always threatening suicide, was a total hypochondriac, terrible mother, educationally bereft, emotionally subnormal and socially inept.

He made me feel absolutely beautiful and special and I couldn't do without it, nobody can make you feel better than an emotionally abusive man, it's almost an art form. They get inside your head and worm out your deepest dreams and promise to make them all come true. Then he makes them almost come true, but just dangles perfection out of reach.

You'll go mad trying to get there and you won't have the sense you were born with, the madness takes you over and morality won't enter it because you want to believe the fantasy more than you will listen to friends, family, conscience.

For all the wives who've been left by this type, sleep a little better knowing that less than two years on, the beautiful clever perfect wam they left you for discovers he's pulling the same stunt on new woman, and suddenly it's easy to see why the mental health issues arose.

Don't waste time begging him to come back, he has a cock where a heart should be and doesn't say a word that hasn't been carefully chosen to get exactly what he wants.

Thought it might give a wry smile tp those who have been there.

COuld you please stop this now?

After spending my time here talking about my X and OW I just went and wasted more time checking them on FB. Funnily they are not laughing or even together in the photos like they used to so much when I was in 10000 pieces. I still don't know if they are miserable how they deserve to be but I hope that when I wake up tomorrow I will have a stronger desire to not be involved in this kind of thread anymore and to be walking fast toward my recovery and taking control of my own feelings and finding myself again. 7 years on and it feels like my life had stopped I am not moving on, I am pretty much almost stuck where they left me, maybe I even went backwards. Can't carry on like this anymore. What cheating husbands and OW do are really life-soul destroying for some people. Not that I want him back, I pray I will never see him again, but the emotional damage he did to me seems like it has no cure. I have a huge backstory with him and I know I hadn't being as wise as I should....so much for being a understanding partner who trusts and forgives and respects and loves. Fuck me. What reward did I get for being good?

Thought after lurking a while I'd add my two-pence in

Until earlier this year I was practically stalked at work by a married colleague with one DS. Whilst I was having a tough time with a particularly difficult colleague I managed and shortly after the loss of my father, he cranked it up a bit. He made a few passes at me and whenever I nipped out for a crafty cig, he'd always be two steps behind me. Although I later learned he doesn't smoke at home.

Although we talked often I always kept professional distance and he never really mentioned his family at home (although pic of DS on desk indicated 'family man'). As time wore on I have to shamefully admit that I became a bit fond of him. He seemed shy, quiet and didn't have too much confidence around me (I'm a grade higher, and thought of as quite attractive, though don't start calling me Samantha Brick, and I do have a physical disability - hmmm, she's vulnerable).

Although I suppose I got a bit emotionally involved I didn't ever know too much about him, we weren't even vocally intimate, so I'm not sure I'd have called it an emotional affair.

Last autumn he tells me he and DW are thinking of having another child. Baby arrives in March - thinking was already out of the way at that point. So I decided that I needed to emotionally unhook from this guy, thinking of new baby = 'I'm staying where I am and want to use you for an affair'. He never actually suggested meeting out of work, but the hints and whatever were there - 'I never actually asked her'.

But he still kept on and I gave him the brush off. He turned up for work in new clothes and aftershave (I'm thinking 'what the hell does your wife think?', Can't she see a red flag?). By this time his boss started to bully me - for him stalking me! And that still continues. I didn't actually find out about DW's pregnancy til Feb and probably the last in the office to know - you can see what sort of workmate I was supposed to be. When I congratulated him he was very awkward about it indeed. And he kept on trying hang around etc however I maintained a distance. When I stopped giving him any attention he did seem quite upset, but that would have been the bruise to his ego.

Earlier this year he gained a new, 12 years younger colleague who is very flirty with her behaviour in the office (she also confided mental health issues to me).He's just come back from some time off with a new look and lost weight. She and he now absolutely relish each others' attention, nipping off to lunch together, off to the server room together, talking in hushed voices, texting when the other isn't there etc. All at the desk right behind mine. If that's not yet become physical, it maybe only a matter of time.

If it weren't for the wife and kids at home it could be quite amusing watching a mid-life crisis in action. Also vaguely amusing is how he thought I'd lack enough self respect to indulge him. But the guy's an absolute shit. Why bring another kid into the world when you've emotionally abandoned your marriage?

As I think one previous poster stated, the OW is there to fill a gap, so bloody true!!

It is the dissonance that affects me.

I am bringing up his children as well as I can. Which is, if I say it myself, well - on a pittance.

Yet he dismisses me; society dismisses me; but I am not allowed to dismiss him 'for the sake of the children'. I want him out of my life.

I've found this thread quite thought provoking. It seems like there is a huge level of blame directed at the OW for the end of the relationship. But with hindsight do you think your relationship was going well before the affair started? Do you believe that if your partner hadn't met this particular woman that you'd still be together and happy 10 years later?

This is in no way excusing the behaviour of the husband and OW, I just wonder whether it is misdirected anger.

I say this with some personal experience. My parents divorced when I was 16 My father had been having an affair with his secretary I found out in the middle of my GCSEs. They have since married and seem to be very happy 18 years later. In fact they get on much better than my parents ever did and seem a better match. My mother has remarried too and I have a lovely stepfather. Whilst I can't forgive my father for the way he acted and what he put my mother through, I have no doubt that they are both happier than they were in the last few years of their marriage.

My children were very young (5 and 4) when my ExH got up and walked out with no warning.

And someone asks again.......

BTW I wasn't trying to say that the wronged wife must be to blame either for the affair.

ike1 posts need reporting to be removed

Bogey I have no desire to report or remove them, I think the thread looks pretty revealing just as it is.

Make your mind up! Or do you just want someone else to do it for you?

Btw, if my father had had an affair, a twat would be the least of the things I would call him, and wouldnt pull anyone else up for saying it either. Just saying.

I know I am not to blame.

But especially, my children are not to blame.

But there is blame directed at us, by policy, by circumstance, by sleight.

What makes me cross is the fact that there are women out there that will do this.

Why would you sleep with another man knowing that he has a wife/partner/girlfriend?

Why would you put yourself so low on the scale of things?

What grates on me is the fact that "most" of the time, he's getting the best of both worlds, how the fuck dare he.

What I also don't get is why on earth would you do that to another woman?

Smacks of a fundamental moral code being broken.

Would the other woman want it done to her?

It's more or less a double whammy I guess, a woman is chosing to shag a man that isn't free to do it. A woman is also doing this to one of her own.

Jolly no I dont think so because if it hadnt been her, it would have been someone else. But the point is, it was her and he couldnt have had the affair without her could he?

I dont blame her for him betraying me, for him cheating on me, for him lying to me. I blame her for being the sort of woman who knowingly and happily shagging someone who is taken. I feel the same for any woman who does that, which is why I got so pissed off with the OP trying to excuse her actions with love, grooming, blah blah.

Its the excuses that piss me off. They all say the same things! They all blame the other person for it starting and then dismiss the other person when it ends. FFS, if youa re going to cheat or be an affair partner, atleast be honest! "I did it because I wanted to, because I didnt care about my/his/her spouse and children, because I thought I would get what I wanted and I thought I would get away with it".

I get why weak people do it - I just don't understand why the personal and political consequences are so weak also, and allow men to walk away from their children more easily than breaking a T-Mobile contract.

A friend of mine has just come out of a long term relationship, and ok, she's a bit all over the place, which is understandable. She went away for a girly weekend and met some bloke who she knew was living with someone. She came back a told me he'd asked to see her. She went for lunch with him after me telling her she was a fool.

She eventally told me.

Apart from the moral implications I said to her, right then, do you want to shag some bloke who is undoubted shagging the woman he lives with, are you that bloody insecure/think so little of yourself. So, he gets the best of both worlds at your expense.

She blocked and deleted.

I remember when my friends colleague, who was sort of a friend of ours-ish (!) went completely crazy when she found out that her DH had been having an affair.

How could he? What about me and the kids...the usual. Except that she had been instrumental in breaking up his first marriage, infact she told his wife about their affair so that she would throw him out as he showed no sign of leaving. She tried (and pretty much succeeded) in stopping him seeing his other child. She was horrified when he did it to her because she was different!

She has since gone on to do the same again, but the wife didnt kick the MM out and she has ended up with nothing.

No sympathy.

I think I have heard my mother say almost exactly the same words as you Bogey. I am ashamed to say that at one time I started to blame my mum for my dad's affair - it was almost easier than accepting he had chosen his secretary over us.

I still maintain that if my parents were still together now they would be very unhappy (and probably live entirely separate lives) but agree that my stepmother must have had very dubious morals to start a relationship with her married boss. She was a divorced mother of two. My dad to this day will never admit that he did anything wrong. He 'fell in love' and that was that.

To lighten the thread - my dad followed the cliched midlife crisis script - he grew a moustache and bought two Hawaiian shirts around the time his affair started.

To reiterate what Bogeface has just said.... No sympathy here either. At the very least it's a cowards way out for the cheater and a pathetic way to carry on for the OW/OM.

If I meet someone tomorrow and he told me he'd had started another relationship before finishing what he was in I'd tell him to go sling his hook no matter what he said the circumstances were because in my eyes he wouldn't be the man I'd wish to share time with let alone a bed.

So she was shagging Magnum PI? Blimey, not a good look :o

No definitely not a good look.

Goodness this thread has stirred some emotions in me that I have clearly been suppressing for a while. I came on semi in support of the OP and now realise that I have been justifying my father and step mother's behaviour by saying 'all's well that ends well' - which is probably how they clear their consciences.

Your father could've asked for divorce before the affair. Put yourself in your mums shoes

Yes of course he could and should have done. I doubt he would have though.

This thread is vile. I hope OP you find a lovely man who loves you and who you love and you have a very happy life. That man was a prick but hey everyone makes mistakes don't take this thread to heart.

PP gosh lots of projecting on you and you wern't even a OW! I understand your points completely.

My DM was the one who had an affair bla bla and my DF ended up being the OM in another relationship. DM is now with a lovely man and DF is married now to the woman he was the OM for. TBF to my DM if my dad wasn't such a knob (he had a lot of problems) it probably wouldn't of happened.

I have been the OW and been cheated on. I didn't know I was the OW till I was pregnant but oh well neither of us are with him now ( we ganged up on him in the pub together!) It is just the way the world works, yes it's not nice or right but shit happens.

catsrus The dignity of your post was amazing, you come across as a very lovely lady I don't want to sound patronising just had to say.

At the end of the day though Autumn your dad is the only dad you have so justifying is a way to live with it. Don't beat yourself up about it.

I have been the OW and been cheated on

what goes around comes around then ay.

Well if you read my post properly you will read that I didn't know until I was pregnant and then we both got rid of him. So no it was not a what goes around comes around.