Wife doesn't love me anymore

[Lostdad31]

My wife and I have been married for 2 years, and together for 5. We have 2 amazing little ones, a little girl who's almost 2 and a half, and our little man who's coming up to 8 months. We have the perfect family...or so I thought.

She recently told me she's become confused, and has lost something. She said she doesn't love me anymore. She's adamant it's nothing I've done, she told me I'm the perfect husband and the perfect father but her feelings have just changed. I was completely devastated! If it wasn't for the kids she would already have left, but she said she'll give it some time for their sakes. I was obviously very confused and subsequently looked at her phone - I know I shouldn't of but I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. There were texts on their between my wife and someone from her work, very flirty messages about her picturing him in the shower, and wanting to meet up etc. Needless to say I was broken. Our relationship has always been perfect, and I never thought she could betray and hurt me this way. She says nothing has happened, and it's just flirting, which she realises she shouldn't have done and is really sorry for. Apparently it's a sympton not the cause.

But now I'm just lost. I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and I look at the kids and imagine our perfect family being broken up and it kills me.

I've told her I will do anything I can to make it work, I still love her so very much I ache. Everytime I think of her flirting with this other man it feels like a stab through my heart, but I've convinced myself that if I can reawaken her feelings and feel loved again then I can trust her again. Am I deluding myself? Part of me feels like she's already made her decision and this period of giving it some time is to allay her guilt.

Help me!

Lostdad, I've just read through your thread You have had some great advice.

In my experience, there are 2 strands to separating that need to happen simultaneously. It is difficult to keep the 2 balls in the air at the same time, but it can be done.

1. Did you get some legal advice? If not, I would urge you to do so asap. You need to protect yourself. Do not rely on the word of your STBX partner. She will/should be getting her own advice and as she is emotionally detached, she will find it easier to be business like about insisting on her 'rights'.

2. The emotions....Wow. I understand that it feels as if your world has imploded. You may not be sleeping/eating properly.
   Get exercise everyday. Call on and lean on family and friends. (you will find out who are your true friends as some will surprise you when they step up and others when they step away). Consider getting counselling to get you through the stages of grief (this is a bit cheesy but true to life).
   Detach, detach, detach from your STBXW ...treat her as you would one of your DC 's teachers...polite, business like.
   If you can at all, make some physical space between you. Is there another room that can become yours? Can you make it into a bedsit?

Best wishes, this is horrible. But you will come through it a wiser and happier person.

Not read it all but whatever you do, do NOT move out the house. If she wants out then let her go.

Pretty numb.

Thanks for that link. It's funny but that article exactly described my own and DW's positions. It could have been written about us. Which I guess is the point, I'm not the first person this has happened to and I won't be the last. I am going to show wife it because I feel sometimes she resents me so much for not recovering quicker, and maybe it will make her understand a little bit. Got to be worth a try!

Thanks again

Lostdad

I keep thinking about your very sad situation and wishing you strength. Have you spoken to anyone in real life about this yet? A friend, or a caring professional? As others have said, I really do think that might help. You need to take care of yourself - your emotional well being is very important. Don't let your wife's negative reactions about couple's counselling or that off putting experience with Relate deter you from getting some support for yourself.

You sound a lovely man. Your children are very fortunate to have a father who loves them as you do. But you must now focus on building a network of support for yourself, so that you are best-placed to take the right actions and decisions in the times ahead for all of you. It doesn't need to be more than one or two people - but if they are the right people, they will make a huge difference, I promise.

Wishing you all the very best.

just wanted to agree with what everyone's saying - you sound lovely, your wife sounds like a um.. thoughtless person.

also why are you sleeping on the sofa not her? just jumped out at me as a detail. I think you'd feel much better if you had some space - have you tried asking her to move out and what did she say?

I too would ask her to move out, let her go to this other person. Dont you go anywhere and she should be on the sofa as already said. This is not of your making.

I'm sleeping on the sofa because, to be honest, I didn't want to sleep in "our" bed. For the same reason I don't want to stay in the house long term. It will always be our family home in my head, and I think I'll be better able to move on in a new home. As of april my rosters at work will change so that I'm able to have little ones 2 nights a week, wife 3 nights and alternative weekends. At least I will have good time with the kids.

I have arranged to speak to someone, my works occ health can't fit me in till mid january but I'm seeing someone from relate on thursday. I'm pretty nervous to be honest. I'm not too good at talking about my feelings, and know I'm gonna get upset, but I guess that's the point.

I'm trying to take steps to move forward, telling more people at work, arranging this counselling and even updating my status on facebook - silly I know, but it took a while for me to do that!

I just feel scared of the future. My wife has been my strength for so long now, I feel weak, exposed and lonely.

Am currently drinking a glass of wine writing xmas cards from just me and the kids - it's very surreal!

Thanks for all your kind words and support

Hi lostdad, what a sad thread. I very rarely jump in, but wanted you to know how sorry I am. You deserve much better than this. I am hoping, with every fibre, for the best possible outcome for you and the kids in this terribly unfair situation.

You are having a horrible time of it.

Is there any way at all that you could move out? It really can't be helping with your recovery process to still be living there.

Give her one chance to work at the relationship with you. Suggest practical communication /counselling methods you can both research and try. If she is not motivated , do not prolong the agony. Go to a solicitor, work out a settlement proposal re: children and finances.. If you don't act assertively, she will take your love for granted and keep you hanging on as long as it suits her (until another romance comes along). She knows herself well enough to know she doesn't love you any more, so give her credit for that honesty. She will be feeling guilty which often makes people behave worse, so her actions may be unpredictable and contradictory. Protect your interests and stick to decisions you make.

Dear Lostdad

You are taking all the right steps - and they are huge giant strides from where you were to start with.

The mark of a good counsellor/therapist is that you don't feel worse after the session than before you went in. S/he may make you think - that's fine - but not to the stage of leaving you feeling angry, empty or alone.

If it's not right you MUST gird your loins and find someone else. It may feel unbearable - a slammed door to add to all the other feelings of despair and rejection - but persisting will pay off. I guarantee.

Emotions can be wild and unruly - that's their beauty and their poison really, but nothing at all to be scared of. The counselling is there to support you, lovely.

I continue to admire your grace and fortitude, along with many others who read or contribute to you thread.

Alice

Went to see someone from relate on thursday. It was just an introductory meeting, so it was basically me spending an hour talking about what had happened. It was pretty exhausting though, felt completely drained for the rest of the day. Have to wait now for an appointment proper. Not sure if it's for me, or if it will help, but got to give it a go.

I'm doing all I can to try and move forward. I'm trying to keep an emotional distance from DW, just being quite business like with her at home. It really isn't that easy, but I figure it's a way of protecting myself long term. She's out on her office xmas do tonight. I'm trying not to think about it.

I've instead spent the night wrapping little ones xmas presents. They're my priority. Do you have any idea how hard it is to wrap a scooter?!

Imdreaming that is a good extract you have given to lostdad31. I think it sums up how those of us who didn't want to give up/end a relationship struggle to come to terms with it.

Been offered a counselling appointment in a couple of weeks, with a man. Didn't think much of it at the time, making the appointment, but ever since it's been bugging me. I'm not sure I'll be able to properly open up in front of another bloke. I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but it's worrying me. Would it be crazy to rearrange to get a female counsellor?

Have you spoken to him on the phone? IME, it's more about the connection you can build, not a gender thing. But maybe they thought that your wife's behaviour may well have dented (for now) your ability to trust another female sufficiently?

Why not have one session and see how it goes - you can always ask to change if it doesn't work. I had a few intro sessions before I found the right person.

My DH felt the same - even with drs too...I think it would be fine to enquire if a woman is avaliable soon. If not though, perhaps you could try the fella - items see how it goes.
I hope your doing ok lost dad, these are painful times for you, but it will not always be like this and you will be happy again.

Thinking of you x

It does get easier right?! Watching the little ones opening their presents today was fantastic but the whole day I've just felt so very empty. This feeling just makes me angry with STBXW, for going on as if nothings wrong. Which in turn makes me annoyed for A) getting angry and B) not being able to move on.

It's the same old feeling of loneliness that really gets me. At times I just feel like there is no one I can talk openly with, then I see my wife and she's never off her phone texting one person or another. I sit here on a night and I've never felt more alone!

I think it's harder for men when a relationship ends because they often don't have the same networks of friends the woman has. It's often all about work, DP and children for men. Or the friends they do have they don't like to open up to. I'm sure you will have a new DP in future but this period of time could be an opportunity as well ...to make better connections with other people, maybe find a male friend or two over time that you can trust and confide in, not just reserving it for the woman in your life. The male counsellor could be useful in this respect. I think your children are lucky to have a dad who loves them so much. A lot of men would have got fedup with the situation and withdrawn from the kids in self-pity by now.

Stupid woman, caught in the glow of a new flame, except, once a parent, you would hope that there would be more maturity shown. She will come down to earth with a bang one day, the enthusiasm from OM will falter as there will be 2 children to cramp their style. My thoughts are. that until you move out, she will not realise the enormity of what she is doing. The sooner you are able to move out the better, either by being able to move on or having her realise a few things and appreciate your worth.