Wife doesn't love me anymore

[Lostdad31]

My wife and I have been married for 2 years, and together for 5. We have 2 amazing little ones, a little girl who's almost 2 and a half, and our little man who's coming up to 8 months. We have the perfect family...or so I thought.

She recently told me she's become confused, and has lost something. She said she doesn't love me anymore. She's adamant it's nothing I've done, she told me I'm the perfect husband and the perfect father but her feelings have just changed. I was completely devastated! If it wasn't for the kids she would already have left, but she said she'll give it some time for their sakes. I was obviously very confused and subsequently looked at her phone - I know I shouldn't of but I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. There were texts on their between my wife and someone from her work, very flirty messages about her picturing him in the shower, and wanting to meet up etc. Needless to say I was broken. Our relationship has always been perfect, and I never thought she could betray and hurt me this way. She says nothing has happened, and it's just flirting, which she realises she shouldn't have done and is really sorry for. Apparently it's a sympton not the cause.

But now I'm just lost. I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and I look at the kids and imagine our perfect family being broken up and it kills me.

I've told her I will do anything I can to make it work, I still love her so very much I ache. Everytime I think of her flirting with this other man it feels like a stab through my heart, but I've convinced myself that if I can reawaken her feelings and feel loved again then I can trust her again. Am I deluding myself? Part of me feels like she's already made her decision and this period of giving it some time is to allay her guilt.

Help me!

[Unfairdismissal]

So sad for you lostdad, stay strong for you and the children. X

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

how you doing, lostdad ?

[Lostdad31]

As well as can be expected, thanks HHMF. DW is on long hours at work today and tomorrow so I can busy myself entertaining the little ones. Think keeping busy is key. I'm trying to fill up calender as much as I can, to distract myself, and also to try and give other half a dose of reality of how much I do with the kids and around the house. Didn't sleep at all well last night so I'm hoping for better tonight! One day at a time, right?

[MmeDefarge]

One day at a time sounds like a plan.

Good that you are keeping busy for now.

Hope you do get some sleep. Make yourself a warm milky drink and all of that stuff, it might help you get a bit more shut eye and you probably need as much as you can get just now. The trouble is that the mind has a way of waking you up if it has a lot of troubles to work through.

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

Yup, one day at a time

But don't stagnate. Keep working on detaching yourself, physically and emotionally

Make sure you are not simply waiting it out until she changes her mind. Because she might not do, and even if she does you might not want her by then (which would be the best outcome, IMO)

[skyebluezombie]

just like I said, one day at a time, its the only way to keep going. I used to think way too far ahead and advice on here and from my counsellor, one day at a time, worry about the future when you get there..

just keep on keeping on, its all you can do for now..

[Lostdad31]

So time goes on and I'm surviving. Good days and bad but getting through.

Had a talk with DW today, first proper talk for a while, where she attempting to explain what had caused her to decide we weren't meant to be together. I think that was probably the worst thing, having no idea what I had done, or what had gone wrong. Well, first I must explain that wife and I are quite different in that she was always very outgoing while I was the more sensitive one. Which, I always thought was perfect, she brought me out of myself and I tapped into her sensitive side, and it made it interesting. Well turns out over time wife has been worrying about this difference, and feels I'm too sensitive! Sometimes, apparently, I told her I loved her too often. And she felt pressured into writing loads in birthday and christmas cards to match what I wrote. Generally I think she felt smothered, although that's the last thing I ever wanted her to feel.

I think what hurts is that she never mentioned these issues until now. By the time I realised there was a problem she had already given up - and she admits this.

So there you have it, in the future I'm gonna have to be less sensitive. So I'm off to get a beer, buy a copy of nuts and watch all the fast and furious films! Sorry humour is one of my coping mechanisms.

Still sleeping on the sofa because we don't have the money for one of us to move out, which is definitely not good. It's still torture because I love her so. But I know I have to come to terms with it, I just don't know how to!

[Punkatheart]

Don't change, my dear man. You sound lovely as you are. Good God, she really doesn't know what she has.....

Keep talking and I hope that things come out well for you....

[ike1]

Lostdad31 there are many of us ladies who would really appreciate your sensitivity..I promise.x

[moonfacebaby]

Op - don't feel like you have to change, you sound lovely & there are plenty of women out there who would appreciate you for who you are. You sound like a wonderful husband who treated your wife very well.

The rewriting history is incredibly cruel - i've had this too & I find myself doubting what I know - its such a scripted thing to do & it seems to help them to assuage their guilt. Yes, every marriage has issues, but that's life & it doesn't excuse looking elsewhere, or thinking that the grass is greener. Lust & the excitement of infatuation skew people's thinking.

[moonfacebaby]

As for the not mentioning theses issues until now - seems to be the done thing when someone gets their head turned. My very recent ex-H appears to have held onto issues for years - but were they really issues? Or just something that helped him to justify being unfaithful?

There may be grains of truth in what she tells you - but it will all be exaggerated to make her feel better for what she's done.

Listen to her but believe about 50% of what she tells you.
Once someone has that mindset, I think it's very difficult to convince them otherwise - hold onto your self-esteem & remember, that even though you love her, you shouldn't change yourself.

[HecatePropylaea]

She will say whatever she has to say in order to convince herself she's not the bad guy here.

People do that. Come up with all sorts of reasons why the other person is to blame for the shitty thing they've done to them.

Otherwise, they'd have to look in the mirror and know they've been a shit.

Sorry you're going through this.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Blimey, she's scraping the bottom of the barrel if that is all she can come up with as justification for her treatment of you

Her real reasons are her personal issues that she isn't willing to look at - she chose ego boosting strokes from OM as a way of overcoming these - how dare she say it is all because you are sensitive?!

[Helltotheno]

I agree that all of that talk is just a red herring OP...ok, any romantic gushing on cards would be boaksome to me cos I'm not the type but it's easily dealt with and to use that as justification for an affair is an insult.
If you can't move out, your need to detach from her and just be polite but distant. Also, get a social life going...take up something that gives you a break and allows you to meet new people.

[skyebluesapphire]

moonface - my XH did the same, quoted stuff going back years as a reason to go, despite having been happy all that time.... rewriting like you say...

lostdad - my XH also did the same as your W - decided it was over before talking to me about it. He said Im unhappy and walked out the same day, first I knew about his "unhappiness"....

sadly, once their head has been turned, they do rewrite history, to justify being able to end the marriage

Your wife does seem to be making excuses.... Most women would love to have the things that you describe, as others have said

[Lostdad31]

Struggling. Am so lonely and lost

[VenusRising]

You have an 8 month old and a 2 and a half year old - how much sleep is everyone getting?

Do you snore - are you sleeping in the same room - are you co sleeping with the baby?

Be kind and tell her to be kind.

Be confident that you will sort this out for everyones' benefit.

[Lostdad31]

There is no sorting it out. Wife leaving me, doesn't love me anymore.

She's so much further on in the process as she's known for so long she wanted out, but I had no idea. So she's sorting out the logistics of finances and moving on, and I'm still trying (unsuccessfully) to come to terms with the fact my best friend, my strength and the love of my life doesn't want to share her life with me. And I don't really know why.

[AndrewMyrrh]

Lostdad, sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm afraid it does sound like your wife has been (is) having an affair. I think it is doubly cruel that she is still living in the same house.

She needs to move out. It's not really your responsibility to budget for her accommodation requirements. She needs to sort it out, even if it means moving in with parents, and give you some space to come to terms with this. With the present situation, she is having her cake and eating it.

I'm sorry, but she doesn't sound like a very nice person.

[DitaVonCheese]

So sorry, OP. Is there anyone you can talk to? Can you have some counselling, by yourself?

You sound so dignified and strong, even if you don't feel it.