Wife doesn't love me anymore

[Lostdad31]

My wife and I have been married for 2 years, and together for 5. We have 2 amazing little ones, a little girl who's almost 2 and a half, and our little man who's coming up to 8 months. We have the perfect family...or so I thought.

She recently told me she's become confused, and has lost something. She said she doesn't love me anymore. She's adamant it's nothing I've done, she told me I'm the perfect husband and the perfect father but her feelings have just changed. I was completely devastated! If it wasn't for the kids she would already have left, but she said she'll give it some time for their sakes. I was obviously very confused and subsequently looked at her phone - I know I shouldn't of but I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. There were texts on their between my wife and someone from her work, very flirty messages about her picturing him in the shower, and wanting to meet up etc. Needless to say I was broken. Our relationship has always been perfect, and I never thought she could betray and hurt me this way. She says nothing has happened, and it's just flirting, which she realises she shouldn't have done and is really sorry for. Apparently it's a sympton not the cause.

But now I'm just lost. I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and I look at the kids and imagine our perfect family being broken up and it kills me.

I've told her I will do anything I can to make it work, I still love her so very much I ache. Everytime I think of her flirting with this other man it feels like a stab through my heart, but I've convinced myself that if I can reawaken her feelings and feel loved again then I can trust her again. Am I deluding myself? Part of me feels like she's already made her decision and this period of giving it some time is to allay her guilt.

Help me!

LostDad

How are you doing today? Do you have any plans for just you and the little ones? A walk in the park or the countryside, perhaps?

Thinking of you.

Lostdad I've just read your whole thread. What a rotten bitch your wife has been. I hope that you are able to move out and move on as soon as possible so that you aren't having to share a house with her much longer and can start to heal from this awful pain.

Things will get better, I promise x

Managed to enjoy a day with just the little ones today. Took them to see my folks, about an hour and a half away. Good to spend time away from the W, but a bit of a double edged sword. I just spend the time wondering what's she up to.

I've never been a jealous or suspicious person. I never thought, for a second, I had need to be. But since all this has happened I feel myself meeting eaten alive by suspicion.

Please please don't change who you are. Do not listen to her rubbish about you being too sensitive etc, she doesn't deserve you. And do not move out! Start getting tough and look out for yourself. Start getting angry and be strong, she has ruined this marriage, not you. You deserve so much more and one day you will find a lovely woman who deserves you and I bet one day your wife will regret her actions.

I know it's over and I want to move on but everytime she's on the phone or out I wonder where she is and who she's with. I know we're separating and it's none of my business what she's up to but sometimes it feels so bad I think I'm losing it Over christmas it's been worse, normally when she's texting I console myself by thinking she's texting her mum or sister, but xmas day we were in a room with them and she was still on phone all afternoon (including when our eldest was trying to get her attention, which really gets on my nerves). I imagine these text conversations "wish I was with you...", "this time next year..." Etc. And it digs away at me

I know I need to move on and move out to try and get over her but we're financially stuck at the minute. I can't afford anything and I don't want a hovel for my kids to come to.

I just hope I can hold it together. Writing this I probably sound like there is no chance of that!

Lost do you mean hold it together as in your relationship? Or hold it together as in your own mental state?

You've been so strong and dignified. What an awful time for you :(

All things change. Remember this.

The relationship is over. I know this. But I'm still in a grieving process for 'my wife' and our family. It is mental state I'm concerned about, it's just relentless and exhausting

Why do you need to move out?! Why can't she move out? You need to get tough and think about your children. She sounds like she isn't thinking of them much at all if she is ignoring them too.

I want to move out, I don't think I can move on in 'our' family home. Plus it's the kids home, and due to the childcare split W should stay here. Despite all I've said here, and all she's done, she is still a good mother

Really sorry - I haven't read all this thread, but you don't deserve to be treated this way - it is showing a co plate lack of respect for you, and you as her husband, and father of her children - deserve respect.
Is there someone who can look after the kids for some time? You need to be able to sit down and talk to her without destructions - really the reasons why it has happened are irrelevant - the important thing , is where too now.
Marriage takes work - they all have rough patches, but is she prepared to work at it? That's what you need to know . Only you can answer if you can get past her indescretions - I wouldn't , I couldn't forgive that, it would eat me up, BUT don't think you are weak for forgiving her if you can - I think that takes a very special person. But if you can forgive her, she has to be prepared to work at the marriage.
The being not in love - maybe she does, maybe she doesn't , but she has had her head turned with the flirting and who doesn't remember how intoxicating that flirting can be, but it is not appropriate, and it has to stop.
She has to be prepared to least try to work at saving your marriage - if she isn't prepared to do that , you need to put your emotional energy into the grieving you will need to do, and to rebuild your life.
Can you afford counseling?

Sorry just read the rest of your posts - its such a shame you don't feel you could stay in the house..... Could you ask her to move out? Until you sort something out ?
She is being a bitch, to make you feel bad about yourself. To make herself feel better about her bad behaviour.
Are you sure you couldn't kick her out until you sort something out for yourself - it is just so hard for you living with her poor behaviour right under your nose.

Another one thinking of you Lostdad .

Thank you all for your advice and support x

Bad day today, I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because work wasn't too busy I had more time to think about things. Need to keep busy.

Also wife told me the other day that she's going back to her maiden name at work after the new year. We work for the same department, but at different offices, so everyone that I haven't told is going to know in the next few days Part of me wants to send out an email explaining exactly what she's done.

I pulled over on the way home and broke down a little. Felt so stupid, but I'd rather do it then than risk doing it at home in front of the little ones, or the wife.

I feel like I should be coming to terms with everything by now. I feel like I'm boring myself let alone all of you. But when I even begin to think I'm doing ok something else hits me

Lostdad - my heart goes out to you. I have been in a similar position to you when my ex-wife had an affair with a co-worker...and then left. At the time I discovered her affair my DD was 19 days old and like you, I was devastated and was given all the same crap talk as you were given.

But, what I want to reassure you with......life does get better. Its a long road and right now I totally understand how you will be feeling. You will feel lost, you will maybe blame yourself and then later will come anger and resentment.

But the old cliche is true....time is a healer. It will take many months at least but you will slowly start to feel more positive. Concentrate on your children and try not to be bitter. I know from experience that its easy to fall into the bitternes trap a little further down the line, but its a very negative emotion that will not help you at all.

Im sure you are still at the stage where you have really crap days, gradually you'll have more good days than bad until eventually the bad days disappear. Try not to beat yourself up too much when you have a bad day and accept that they will happen.

I am a few years down the line from you and I have a fantastic relationship with my DD because I always insisted on as much contact with her as possible, though its not 50/50 for logistical reasons. I also have a very civil relationship with the ex-wife (through gritted teeth at times!) because thats whats best for my DD.

So I'm sending you some man hugs :-) try to stay strong for your kids and eventually you will come out of this a stronger and better person with your dignity intact. You will always be able to hold your head up high and know that you did your best to save the marriage.

And dont let the BS from your wife destroy your self esteem and confidence - you sound like a very genuine and sincere guy that deserves far better treatment than you have had.

Take care of yourself and the kids.

Lostdad, you are a lovely person, and you deserve better. You are being very strong and dignified.

Please don't make decisions about the future before seeing a solicitor. You really, really need to do that.

By the way, a wonderful mother doesn't have affairs, just as a wonderful father doesn't have affairs. She is not a great mum; she has put her whole family second to a passing fancy.

Agree with jux - please look after you and your children's interests op.

Please, please don't rush to move out. This part is intensely painful but that's why big decisions that affect your whole future are best made with a lot of thought, not in a rush, and definitely with legal advice. Your family situation may be changing but your home is still your home. For your children's sake, please hang on - if she is ignoring them to text the OM, I really don't think she is likely to make the best decisions for them at the moment

If I were you I would talk to the solicitor about reducing your hours at work so that the childcare split is equal, and also so that you are carrying less of a burden at this incredibly tough time.

I'm very sorry you are going through this shite, LostDad. You have done really well and had some excellent advice on this thread.

Your STBXW may once have been a good wife and mother but I think you need to take a good look at her current behaviour. Brace yourself.....

As Jux has just said, a good parent does not throw their marriage out of the window because they are thinking with their cunt and fancy an ego stroking or a fuck with someone else. A complete bastard/immature, entitled fuckwit does that.

A good parent/decent human being doesn't just decide things were 'wrong' and check out of a marriage without having the courtesy to inform their partner before embarking on an emotional/physical affair beforehand - and they don't then rewrite history to justify their own selfish actions.

A decent human being would certainly not have been texting away as you said in your post of 26th Dec 21:03.

This woman is not your friend. In fact she's not even a decent person given her current behaviour. Would you like your children to grow up thinking that this is an acceptable way to treat another person? How would you advise your son if he were to be treated like this in future?

Time to see her for what she really is and get very angry. You do deserve so much better. Get legal advice - your kids need you to do this if you don't feel comfortable doing it for yourself.

Lets Face - A good parent/decent human being doesn't just decide things were 'wrong' and check out of a marriage without having the courtesy to inform their partner before embarking on an emotional/physical affair beforehand - and they don't then rewrite history to justify their own selfish actions.

That is exactly what my XH did to me. Announce out of nowhere that it was over, rewrite history to decide that he had been unhappy for a long time.

It is very hard to come to terms with that happening to you. The grief and shock is immense and it takes a long time to come to terms with things.

You have another excellent point - How would you advise your son if he were to be treated like this in future...... i said the same to XH. How would he feel if somebody did this to DD in the future and walked out leaving her with a small child. Would he think it acceptable then?

The people who behave like this are completely selfish. They make a snap decision, then make out like its been coming for a long time, they just didnt tell you about it....

Lostdad - I hope that you do get some legal advice asap. I understand that for the sake of your own sanity you don't feel like you can remain there much longer, but it will be hard to make that step and leave.

I hope you are doing ok.

Happy new year everyone. Here's to a better 2013! x