Wife doesn't love me anymore

[Lostdad31]

My wife and I have been married for 2 years, and together for 5. We have 2 amazing little ones, a little girl who's almost 2 and a half, and our little man who's coming up to 8 months. We have the perfect family...or so I thought.

She recently told me she's become confused, and has lost something. She said she doesn't love me anymore. She's adamant it's nothing I've done, she told me I'm the perfect husband and the perfect father but her feelings have just changed. I was completely devastated! If it wasn't for the kids she would already have left, but she said she'll give it some time for their sakes. I was obviously very confused and subsequently looked at her phone - I know I shouldn't of but I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. There were texts on their between my wife and someone from her work, very flirty messages about her picturing him in the shower, and wanting to meet up etc. Needless to say I was broken. Our relationship has always been perfect, and I never thought she could betray and hurt me this way. She says nothing has happened, and it's just flirting, which she realises she shouldn't have done and is really sorry for. Apparently it's a sympton not the cause.

But now I'm just lost. I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and I look at the kids and imagine our perfect family being broken up and it kills me.

I've told her I will do anything I can to make it work, I still love her so very much I ache. Everytime I think of her flirting with this other man it feels like a stab through my heart, but I've convinced myself that if I can reawaken her feelings and feel loved again then I can trust her again. Am I deluding myself? Part of me feels like she's already made her decision and this period of giving it some time is to allay her guilt.

Help me!

x

Are you ok, lostdad ?

Is today (W's birthday) worse than other any day when you must feel you are living like some kind of second class citizen ?

I'm sorry things are so tough for you now Lostdad.

Please take action to protect yourself. I would suggest as many others have, a trip to the solicitors. This is no way to live.

Lostdad, I don't have much to add to the advice that previous posters have given you; most of it is right on the money. I just wanted to say that I know what you are going through, because the same happened to me. I am now separated from my wife and am so much happier.

About four years ago I found out that she'd been having an affair for three years. She told me that she was in love with the OM, that she thought of me more as a friend and "loved me, but wasn't "in love"" with me. Pronouncements that I realised later were all part of the script followed by people having affairs.

Your DW's behaviour sounds very much like my STBX's and she sounds entitled in much the same way. Anyway, I wanted to encourage you to be strong and protect yourself emotionally. I prevaricated about what to do and essentially let her make all the decisions (she didn't give up the OM, but didn't leave, either). I convinced myself that I was letting her decide rather than forcing her into the arms of the OM, and thus doing the right thing. It temporarily destroyed my self-esteem.

I also want you to know that the end of a marriage isn't the end of the world. Far from it. I am now single and we amicably co-parent our children, but I realise that I had made some awful compromises to try and hold on to my relationship. From the perspective of three years distance I have no idea why I did so.

Stay strong and maintain your dignity. Regardless of the outcome you won't regret doing so. I wish I had known about Mumsnet back then.

Today has been tough! It's DW's birthday, as I said, and our eldest has been so involved helping me pick the cake, candles, cards, presents etc, she was so looking forward to today. So for her sake we tried for a normal a day as possible, went to the aquarium and out for a meal. I hope our little mite enjoyed herself, but I know for wife and me it was just awkward and painful.

Feeling pretty low right now. I appreciate all the words of encouragement for the future. But it all seems so far in the future, and such a difficult path to negotiate first

Great post above from notanotherstatistic.

Lostdad, sorry it's been a difficult day, it has been for me too, it should have been my 7th anniversary today.... Anyway.... You really do need to decide what you want, never mind what your wife wants. I know that you don't want to lose your children but you can't stay in this state for too long.

Your wife may be genuinely confused but you also need to know what you want as well

Stay strong ..

notanotherstatistic that's a great post. Its true LostDad, it really is possible to be ok after this sort of event. Feel for you though. X

Small steps though lovely. I remember the first gut wrenching trip to the solicitors, but it had to be done, you have to know your rights in order to start getting back some personal boundaries and control.

What Wobbly said. I don't see how anyone can help low enough self respect to stay with someone after hearing this.

Well, my wife has told me she wants to separate. Part of me is relieved to not be hanging on, part of me is angry she got to make the decision but most of me is just devastated. Our financial situation and childcare arrangements mean, basically, in the short term, not alot changes. I can't afford a place of my own at the minute (i wouldn't want to stay in the 'family' home) plus the childcare is probably 60/40 at the minute. So for now we're alternating on the sofa and trying to avoid each other wherever possible. Hence I'm sat in costa's typing this!

I think in many ways it would be easier if I just hated her, and could cut her out of my life, but obviously for the sake of the little ones that is not an option. That's the main problem I now face, I still see her day in day out as we come and go, but all my feelings are still there, together with the constant wondering of who she's texting/calling/meeting. It's basically like an open wound. I hold it together at work, I hold it together in front of the kids but it's constantly there. I made the mistake earlier of reading some of the old birthday, xmas and valentine cards - a mistake I know, but I've got too be excused some moments of self pity haven't I? The last one of which was just 6 months old, and from the things she wrote I just cannot believe her feelings have disappeared like they have. Which just makes me question everything. I couldn't hold it together then!

I think thats one of the things I'm angriest about. That by her actions and words she has made me question the last 5 years of my life, which for me were the happiest and most wonderful that I could imagine, yet was it the same for her? That somehow makes me feel cheated, and the past devalued. The other thing is that DW ruled out counselling, said she couldn't cut contact with man she was texting - didn't want to loose him as a friend!! - yet in speaking to mutual friends she spoke about staying so she could say 'she tried everything', well that went well. If in 15 years our eldest comes to me and says, did mum and you try everything to make our family work, I've got to turn round and tell her, actually, no, we didn't actually try anything - your mum didn't want to. Again it devalues our marriage and our vows.

I know all the previous advice stands, I'm not expecting any grand revelations, but in loosing my wife and my best friend, I am desperately lonely right now. I just wanted to try and articulate some of the many, many, things going on in my brain right now.

I am very sorry to hear this, lostdad

Could you get a break away somewhere, just for a couple of days

Take sick leave from work and go and stay with friends well away from your wife while you get your head together a little bit

You poor man.

Please don't think your whole marriage was a lie. The affair is the lie. It's just a fantasy that your very foolish wife has let get out of control.

The truth was on that card from 6 months ago. Please don't believe this crap about her affair being a symptom of her unhappiness, because you know from your own memory that she's rewriting history to fit the circumstances.

I think she'll regret this but when she does, I hope you'll have moved on and won't take her back.

:(

It must be hellish living in the same space as her with all this going on. In fact i know it is. You poor thing.

How long are you expecting to have to go like this? Are you going to sell the property? Have you family or a friend nearby you can spend a little time with per week?

Tell us which Costa you're in and you'll have a dozen MNers all squeezing in to keep you company. Not being flippant, just trying to raise a smile.

I would second the idea that you shouldn't torture yourself with the idea that the whole xx no. of years has been a lie.

Lost - I know how you are feeling.

My H had an affair earlier this year, we tried to make it work (well, his effort was pathetic tbh) & we are now separating.

He is blathering on about how unhappy he was - yet I have a christmas card where he wrote that he was more in love with me than ever. 6 weeks later, he was rolling around in a hotel room with a 26 year old, who didn't mind his wedding ring or the 3 month old baby. She had only been in the country for 5 weeks & had a boyfriend too.

He's not with her anymore (as far as I know), but I don't think he has let go of the feelings he had for her.

I am devastated & really angry. Right now, I hate him & that just isn't the kind of person i am. Like you, it has made me feel like I've been living a lie & he's either a complete knob, or he tells people things that he thinks they want to here.

We have 2 DD's - a 7 year old & a 1 year old. I am so worried about the older one & how she'll deal with this. I feel angry with him for tainting the last 6 months of my baby's life - it should have been a happy time & it's been hard & it's going to get harder.

I don't wish him happiness. I have lost my husband & best friend too. I am bitter, but I'm hoping that won't last forever.

He has turned my world upside down.

I suppose we have to believe that we will look back on this one day & that we will realise that we are happier than ever & that life is good again.

Take care - you sound like a lovely man & I'm sorry that you are having such s tough time.

OP you are obviously a very fair, decent and dignified person - you really don't deserve this

i suggest you find an outlet for your wholly justified anger and grief, something that is invisble to the children - maybe sport? go to the gym? evenings with close family? if you put yourself first for a bit you can be better able to help the kids in the longer run

Lostdad - sorry it has come to this. I do know exactly how you are feeling. My STBXH walked out in Feb saying he no longer felt the same, yet I have lovely cards for anniversary (last Oct) and Christmas, saying all the usual lovely words. A beautiful necklace that he gave me for Christmas. In December he said he could never ever leave his daughter, when the neighbours split up. Then in Feb he said he had been unhappy for several months, had not loved me for several months.

I persuaded him to talk to me, he came back for 6 weeks and walked out again with no warning. When I asked him how he could come back and be so loving and affectionate to me if he didnt love me, he just said that he was trying hard. When I said to him that normal people dont just walk out, they try everything to fix their marriage, he said I did........ I said no, staying for 6 weeks while texting another woman all day every day, 100 times a day, 8am til midnight, emailing her, facebooking her all behind my back was not "trying hard". He also refused to give up the contact with OW.

so like your wife, he tells everybody that he came back and tried everything, but in truth he didnt and like you when DD is old enough I will tell her the truth. Are you sure that there is nowhere you can go? Friends, or family? It will be hell for you to live there with her and it will not be good for the children in the long term as you will not be able to keep up a happy facade for long.

Im not trying to hijack your thread, just trying to explain that my story is a lot like yours in some way and that what you are feeling is totally normal. I really do think that you need to get legal and professional advice, see if you can get some counselling for yourself if you want to talk everything through. Also, you could call the Samaritans, they are there for everybody, just have a look at their website.

Life does go on, I was devastated when STBXH walked out for the second time at Easter, devastated again when he led me on with a lovely date and then wrote a nasty letter. At that point, I took control, ALL thanks to advice on here and divorced him. My Absolute is due any day now.

6 months on, I am feeling a lot stronger and happier than I have for a long time. Just take one day at a time, is all I can say. If you get very down, then go to the doctors for some help and advice. make sure you know where you stand regarding access for the children and maintenance etc and make sure you get plenty of help and advice from friends in real life. Please feel free to PM me if you want somebody to talk to.

Take Care

In my experience of this kind of thing the sooner you sort out the split the better. Give yourself some time out and then be pro-active about sorting out the house/finances/custody in a wat that is fair to your kids. When I decided to end a long relationship we both spent far too long living together but separately but as soon as w got the hous onto the marke things moved forward nd we could both move on too.

You are dwelling, very understandably, on the present and the sad situation you and your family are in. Can you look ahead, all the wonderful times you will have as your DCs grow up with a great, loving father, you won't be with your wife but you will still have the pleasure of seeing you little ones grow up, starting school, watching the football matches, helping with homework, special days out. There is so much to look forward to.

Poor you I have been there too and it is horrible.

If your wife doesnt want to make any effort with your relationship, there isnt much you can do. BUT you can start to take control of the rest of your life.

Time to man up lost dad. Consult a solicitor, ask her to move out of the family home (dont assume you should be the one moving out), and go for 50% residency. And let yourself get angry, you have every right to be and it can be a useful force to drive you forwards. It can really help to get a counsellor so you have a safe space to talk and work through your emotions.

Your past life is not a lie. If you want some insight into what is happening to you, there is a thread on relationships called 'the script' which pretty much covers what to expect when your partner starts cheating on you.

.

That is very sad to hear. What a shame that your wife was not able to treat you and your family life together with the same respect that you have shown.

Being lied to is very unnerving. You are questioning a lot of your previous life now. Because your wife has lied you no longer know if the family life you had together was really as you experienced it. you feel you have lost your past in some way.

Look after yourself. If possible spend time with people who you have known for a long time, people you trust. Maybe that will help you to feel more grounded again.

Look after yourself. That is the most important thing right now.

I questioned my life in the same way, how long had I been living a lie? How could he make love to me if he dudn't love me? All natural feelings . If you don't want to be parted from your kids then you need good legal advice and fast.

Concentrate on the children and what is best for them and look after yourself too.

As a dad to a dad can I advise you not to move out unless its unbearable?

Otherwise you could find yourself in bedsit land, seeing your children every-other-weekend, and with the new man sitting in your armchair.

It will get better and Keep doing your share of the child-care and stay strong for your children.

I don't think these people who re-write history have any grasp of how cruel they are being. Just because they can't admit that they are motivated by lust and the lure of a new relationship, they invent prior unhappiness that just didn't exist. Bad enough to take away someone's future, but everyone's got the right to leave a relationship. Criminally selfish to try to take away someone's past instead of admitting the truth. Don't let her do that. Your head is in a more reliable place than your wife's OP and you know the truth, even if she won't admit it.

I told my STBXH that after 10 years together, married for 6, that I deserved a little more respect than "Im not happy, Im out of here"...... at the time I made all sorts of excuses for him, that he was depressed, that he was sensitive, that he was deep..... All of it out of shock and desperation. When the shock wears off, you realise that you are actually worth a lot more than the way that you have been treated and that you demean yourself by begging them to stay.......