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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

stag do strippers - AIBU?

163 replies

SadSheila · 18/10/2012 18:18

Sorry if this is long, I just don't want to drip feed.

We moved to Australia about a year ago when DH's company relocated him. It's a short term move (a couple of years) and although it's been hard with 2 young DCs and I've given up a lot (family, friends, job, car, my own money etc.) I was happy to try it out for the experience and for the benefit of DH's career. It does mean that I've got pretty much no support other than DH and I've lost a great deal of independence from him.

I'm 33 weeks pregnant with DC3 and at the stage where I feel pretty vulnerable. I'm huge and I feel horribly unattractive at the moment. A couple of months ago DH went away on a stag do. A group of his friends rented a house for the weekend and did the usual things like paintballing and playing poker. It was hard for me being on my own with the kids all weekend, we were all ill and didn't really sleep. I let DH know this, he was sympathetic at the time but later said whenever he goes away I waste no time in telling him what a nightmare it is for me.

Anyway a few weeks ago I found out from a friend that during that stag do they had hired strippers to come round to the house and serve drinks and deal cards whilst topless. I think they also put on a show involving the stag. I felt quite hurt by this. I thought perhaps they'd been to a strip club but felt silly for asking, but there's something much more intimate about having topless, beautiful young women serving you drinks etc. When I asked DH about it he said he'd kept it quiet because he knew in my pregnant state it would upset me and because I hadn't had an easy weekend, so it was the last thing I wanted to hear. He was genuinely surprised that I was upset by it, to him it was just harmless stag do fun.

While I was in the dark about the strippers, I agreed to DH going another stag do (that's he's currently on) and it turns out exactly the same thing is going to happen. If I had known I would have said "no" because of how awful I was going to feel about it. It's a lot for me to be completely on my own with the DCs for 4 days whilst heavily pregnant, but knowing that he's going to be in presence of perfect naked women is just making me feel really sad. I sat in the bath this evening and just sobbed. Before I had DH's kids I had a body to be proud of and a career and a life, now I feel all washed up and spat out if that makes sense? That being said the DCs are my life and I wouldn't change that for anything.

Am I over-reacting due to hormones/feeling really unattractive? Do I need to get a grip?

If you've got this far, thanks for reading. It's 4am here and the DCs will up soon so I'm going to try to sleep.

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 20/10/2012 02:04

"why bother with a long term partner if you are going to shag strippers/prostitutes"

So the long term partner does his washing, cooks cleans and does childcare. In other words this makes men like this users as well as mysogynists and disrespectful entitled fuckwits.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 20/10/2012 02:48

Sorry OP you've already had all the good advice. I back up ABitWobblyNow.. in my younger days i used to drive for and 'protect' female strippers, take them to a venue and pick them up, and everything that was said is, unfortunately, true.

Male strippers wave their willy around and take clothes off.
Female strippers have sex in public with the stag.

Its not well known by women as really, do we go to see female strippers, no.

Anyway i'm glad he is coming back, ignore the fluffy advice you've had, about handbags, shoes, spa weekends, and listen to the no nonsense ladies x Oh and kick him from me. Hard. In the nuts kneecap.

carmenelectra · 20/10/2012 10:15

I have a good man(I hope)but it is very hard not to have a dim view of men after reading stuff like this.

Its absolutely beyond belief that a 'normal' bloke can strip off, get sexually aroused and have sex with a stripper(prostitute) in front of his friends!!! And on the eve of his wedding. A wedding that he doesn't even have to go ahead with if he fancies himself as a bit of an amatuer porn star.

And all this is 'fun'. And the friends of these stags not thinking anything is a bit wrong either!

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 20/10/2012 11:25

The wrongest thing is other women trying to tell people like the OP that she should get over herself, that all men do it so it's ok.

OP, it sounds like this whole thing has been a catalyst for you to examine exactly where you are in this relationship and the answers are not prooving too healthy, are they ?

I am sorry. I hope your husband can man up, stop putting his selfish wants first and support you properly.

When I said upthread "just come home" I had forgotten how advanced your pg is (wrt being able to fly), but there is a message in that. If you are not happy you do not have to stay

have the baby, work out whether being where you are is fulfilling your needs and make your decision whether being back with family and friends that respect you as a person might be better than being where you are right now

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 20/10/2012 13:03

I am not sure this stripping off and fucking in public is "normal" actually. How many men could get a lifter with all their mates watching (or am I just being too English about it)? The level of drunkenness required to induce this level of disinhibition in the average human being would surely preclude any sexual activity....this sort of public exhibition of sexuality to other males is probably due to repressed homosexuality coupled with fear of detection of same. They'd all be much happier if they just came out and got it over with (and so would the unfortunate women they shack up with).

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 20/10/2012 13:08

Hehehe, Karlos

On one of the myriad of stripper threads on MN (sorry, OP..) I once equated sex acts with strippers while your mates looked on to repressed homosexuality. I got a few "yeah, you are soooooo right" replies.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 20/10/2012 16:37

I have just asked DH if it is "normal" to fuck strippers in front of your mates on stag dos. He didn't actually reply, but given he looked at me like I'd just announced I was about to gouge my eyeballs out with a teaspoon, I'm guessing the answer is "no".
And it is soooooooooo repressed homosexuality that makes men behave like this. It's obvious.

Offred · 20/10/2012 16:53

I'm not sure about the repressed homosexuality, can see it would be one reason. Another reason could be narcissism. The only person I know and can imagine doing this is my xp and he isn't closet just abusive and narcissistic.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 20/10/2012 17:00

none of it is good though, offred, for sure

Offred · 20/10/2012 17:11

I can imagine many idiot sheeple men raised in rape culture would have strippers in a giggly way and might have a blowjob but very few would put on a full on sex show in front of their father in law to be! But then I don't really know. This thread makes me feel a bit sick and panicky because I know my dh has some horrible friends like this and is one of those passive sheeple types by nature.

Offred · 20/10/2012 17:13

No, none of it is good. I can't understand why people defend it, I mean even if it is giggly in some ways that is worse because it is fun at the expense of someone else and without a care for what the sex industry does to people. What is the value in it? What is the case for it? Best people normally come up with is "it's normal red blooded men"...

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 20/10/2012 17:32

It is also about being vicious to women, of course (a phenomenon not unlinked to repressed homosexuality, in my experience). Humiliating the prostitute who gets fucked. Rejoicing in the deception and potential for hurt of the woman being cheated on (that's a big thing with the whole stag-do stripper deal). Win win in misogynists' bingo.

Offred · 20/10/2012 17:35

Yes and in the narcissistic abuser thing and I think the "sex" is the worse end of the spectrum but the sexual degradation of the female stripper is integral to any kind of "enjoyment" of a stripper experience.

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