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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

stag do strippers - AIBU?

163 replies

SadSheila · 18/10/2012 18:18

Sorry if this is long, I just don't want to drip feed.

We moved to Australia about a year ago when DH's company relocated him. It's a short term move (a couple of years) and although it's been hard with 2 young DCs and I've given up a lot (family, friends, job, car, my own money etc.) I was happy to try it out for the experience and for the benefit of DH's career. It does mean that I've got pretty much no support other than DH and I've lost a great deal of independence from him.

I'm 33 weeks pregnant with DC3 and at the stage where I feel pretty vulnerable. I'm huge and I feel horribly unattractive at the moment. A couple of months ago DH went away on a stag do. A group of his friends rented a house for the weekend and did the usual things like paintballing and playing poker. It was hard for me being on my own with the kids all weekend, we were all ill and didn't really sleep. I let DH know this, he was sympathetic at the time but later said whenever he goes away I waste no time in telling him what a nightmare it is for me.

Anyway a few weeks ago I found out from a friend that during that stag do they had hired strippers to come round to the house and serve drinks and deal cards whilst topless. I think they also put on a show involving the stag. I felt quite hurt by this. I thought perhaps they'd been to a strip club but felt silly for asking, but there's something much more intimate about having topless, beautiful young women serving you drinks etc. When I asked DH about it he said he'd kept it quiet because he knew in my pregnant state it would upset me and because I hadn't had an easy weekend, so it was the last thing I wanted to hear. He was genuinely surprised that I was upset by it, to him it was just harmless stag do fun.

While I was in the dark about the strippers, I agreed to DH going another stag do (that's he's currently on) and it turns out exactly the same thing is going to happen. If I had known I would have said "no" because of how awful I was going to feel about it. It's a lot for me to be completely on my own with the DCs for 4 days whilst heavily pregnant, but knowing that he's going to be in presence of perfect naked women is just making me feel really sad. I sat in the bath this evening and just sobbed. Before I had DH's kids I had a body to be proud of and a career and a life, now I feel all washed up and spat out if that makes sense? That being said the DCs are my life and I wouldn't change that for anything.

Am I over-reacting due to hormones/feeling really unattractive? Do I need to get a grip?

If you've got this far, thanks for reading. It's 4am here and the DCs will up soon so I'm going to try to sleep.

OP posts:
HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 18/10/2012 21:55

< marks bingo card >

AbigailAdams · 18/10/2012 21:55

The women who sound insecure are those who are defending this man's appalling behaviour, minimising the OPs feelings and don't seem to want other women to set boundaries in their relationships.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 18/10/2012 21:56

crazy..the H in this thread has "found himself" twice in a "stripper situation" and lied both times

forget it ?

really ?

WitchesWreakinHavoc · 18/10/2012 21:58

Please explain the appaling behaviour, I just dont get it!

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 18/10/2012 21:59

insecure

uptight

have we had "man hating" yet ?

did I miss "frigid" ?

how about "I bet you don't like sex much, do you"

come on, I need this bingo card filled so I can go pour another Wine

LapinDeBois · 18/10/2012 22:00

Fair point, Alfie. It depends, and only the OP would know the answer. DH has one old school/family 'friend' who might do something like this, but he doesn't really like him and he wouldn't dream of going on his stag do (regardless of his wife/kids). But if these are good friends who the OP's DH enjoys hanging around with and sees as his kind of guys, then that (to me) is an indication of what kind of guy he is himself.

What kind of men, Witches? Twats who totally objectify women and are capable of treating a real, living, breathing woman as a 'thing'.

AbigailAdams · 18/10/2012 22:08

Witch - Lying to his wife about the nature of the stag do. Buying and objectifying women's bodies. Deliberately hurting his wife. Running a guilt trip on his wife about leaving her for the weekend with two children whilst she is heavily pregnant.

Offred · 18/10/2012 22:11

The appalling behaviour, even if you don't care about strippers personally and wilfully ignore all the principled objections on the thread witches is that the op does care and was upset and is tired and stressed and lonely and her husband went and did it anyway then said some bullshit about not realising she'd be upset but not telling her because he knew she'd be upset and then he went and did it again straight after seeing the last time it upset her. That's the appalling behaviour, strippers aside. However I would speculate that a man who isn't uncomfortable with casually abusing women in one way will not be uncomfortable with doing it in another way I.e. "I didn't tell you cos I knew you'd be upset"

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 18/10/2012 22:11

< ahem >

twice

once I could just about see he got dragged along in the heat of the moment and couldn't make his excuses

twice ?

not buying it

Offred · 18/10/2012 22:16

And as far as the indignant storming off thing goes who said that was expected? If I was on a hen (unlikely-yuck) but if I was on a hen and strippers appeared I would politely excuse myself saying I was tired or some other bullshit and go home. You don't have to ruin someone's night out in order to leave. If the person was your real friend they'd surely know how you felt anyway and would warn you to/not mind you leaving...

WitchesWreakinHavoc · 18/10/2012 22:17

As far as i can see he didnt lie about anything.
And yeah ok, all men who go on stag do's with strippers present are all TWATS. I get it now!
I shall leave you all to it and maybe make my mans supper while he snuggles up on the sofa watching what I allow him to watch :)
Goodnight y'all

crazyhead · 18/10/2012 22:18

Am reading sloppily HHMF and didn't notice the lying which I'd hate.

I have to say though, I do have two friends with husbands who have a nostalgic friendship group from school where these schoolfriends have had stag dos involving a stripper, and the husbands have been there. It might make them weak but not utter bastards.

My own OH would be more likely to have a surprise sex change than watch a stripper, so I'm not speaking from personal experience, to be fair.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 18/10/2012 22:22

witches, well done

you managed to get in controlling without the actual wit to name it

have a smartie

Offred · 18/10/2012 22:25

That's subjective though crazy. I'd not waste my time and/or energy on a "man" who used

AbigailAdams · 18/10/2012 22:37

He lied by deliberate omission.

mrsmplus3 · 18/10/2012 22:50

Happy Halloween - are you still at it??!!
Your manner with people is awful!
You really should get on a thread that makes you happy. All this aggression is going to make you ill.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 18/10/2012 22:52

if I were you I'd sit him down and say to him that if he claims the right to sexual kicks outside your relationship that's fine, but it cuts both ways, and in future, you will too. In whatever way seems fit. For you, that won't be being served drinks by topless women (how naff, btw) because that's not how you roll. it will be in a way which suits you. Because the principle - that each partner can look for sexual thrills outside the marriage - has been established by his behaviour, and he will have to suck up the consequences of that.
then go and fuck a nice fit young man.
That's what I'd do anyway (any excuse)

WorriedBetty · 18/10/2012 22:52

I does depend on the bloke. If he is someone who views any sexual woman as a f*g slag then problemo.

If he sees attractive women as people, and strippers as women doing a job but he joins in and laughs at his own susceptibleness, then not so much problemo.

At the end of the day these are women earning money using some of their attributes, just as much as I use my brain to get money from people who pay me to use it.

I know it feels bad but really, some paid girls to get their top off who when the hour comes stop smiling, pull on a sweater take the cash and f**k off is far better than going to a club, pretending you are single just to talk to a girl who is also pretending she is single or much younger than she looks to your beer goggles, snogging out of weird drunken politeness and feeling her bum just because you are not sure if she wants you to or not.. which is defo the other scenario.. well at least I think so never having been the person on the er end of it.. ahem!

mrsmplus3 · 18/10/2012 22:57

Karlosk- I love your attitude! Wish I'd thought of that years ago Grin

Darkesteyes · 18/10/2012 23:01

Karlos if MN had a like button i would be pressing it really hard for your post.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 18/10/2012 23:05

I aim to please.
I am not actually being as frivolous as I might sound. If the rule book the OP wants to establish says that each partner doesn't look for sexual stimulation elsewhere, he's torn that up and pissed on it, frankly. And there are consequences to that, whether he knows it or not. perosnally I wouldn;t waste my time running after him begging him to keep to the deal. it's pointless and humiliating. He's not going to do it, that releases you from certain obligations too. In all fairness.

LapinDeBois · 18/10/2012 23:06

Witches, you're really not getting the point. It's not (just) that the OP's husband did it, it's that he wanted to do it. My DH doesn't avoid strip clubs because I tell him to, but because he wants to. Its genuinely not the case that all men want to go to strip clubs!

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 18/10/2012 23:10

Lapin, you are a Harpy that keeps him on a leash, obvs

Offred · 18/10/2012 23:22

What's the point in tit for tat? Surely if you feel you have to go that far and have that conversation what is the actual point in being together? I don't think you should have to try that hard to get someone to respect you (and women generally) and if you do then why would you bother? Besides I think making empty threats is equally pointless and I wouldn't want to get into a horrible battle over it when I was so lonely and pg (or anytime).

carmenelectra · 19/10/2012 08:49

Don't men just go on regular stag do's anymore and just get pissed? Does every stag weekend have to involve Amsterdam, Shagaluf and or strippers?

I think its really insulting to the bride. Like the man has to have one last bit of titilation from a sexy young thang before being saddled by the ball and chain that is the wife? Wonderful. Just the kind of man I'd love to marry.

The only reason men visit strip clubs or even worse what op's dh has done is to get turned on. They are not doing it for a laugh. And I would be yuck at my dp being sexually aroused in front of his mates cos that's what it is.

Op's dh has gone to another level here. ThE first time. Maybe he got roped in fair enough. But again. What charming mates he must have too. Did it not occur to him at anytime that it might be innapropriate to go off and leave your pregnant missus with the kids while you were holed up in a house ogling fit birds? I wonder what boundaries were in place or were discussed ever in this relationship? My dp would fucking know for certain that I would absolutely not be happy. More importantly, I would hope he would not want to do it.

I would not have asked him to come back to spoil sport wifey. If he could not see for himself that it wasn't acceptable then the damage is done.

As for a poncey spa break, fuck that. How tame compared to his leisure time! I'd be waiting till I had the baby and then making myself look gorgeous and hiring a naked butler.in the meantime he would not be occoming near me. Pregnancy especially is a difficult time and I would not allow any man make me feel shit like thatm wonder how his self esteem would stand up to a battering?