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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

stag do strippers - AIBU?

163 replies

SadSheila · 18/10/2012 18:18

Sorry if this is long, I just don't want to drip feed.

We moved to Australia about a year ago when DH's company relocated him. It's a short term move (a couple of years) and although it's been hard with 2 young DCs and I've given up a lot (family, friends, job, car, my own money etc.) I was happy to try it out for the experience and for the benefit of DH's career. It does mean that I've got pretty much no support other than DH and I've lost a great deal of independence from him.

I'm 33 weeks pregnant with DC3 and at the stage where I feel pretty vulnerable. I'm huge and I feel horribly unattractive at the moment. A couple of months ago DH went away on a stag do. A group of his friends rented a house for the weekend and did the usual things like paintballing and playing poker. It was hard for me being on my own with the kids all weekend, we were all ill and didn't really sleep. I let DH know this, he was sympathetic at the time but later said whenever he goes away I waste no time in telling him what a nightmare it is for me.

Anyway a few weeks ago I found out from a friend that during that stag do they had hired strippers to come round to the house and serve drinks and deal cards whilst topless. I think they also put on a show involving the stag. I felt quite hurt by this. I thought perhaps they'd been to a strip club but felt silly for asking, but there's something much more intimate about having topless, beautiful young women serving you drinks etc. When I asked DH about it he said he'd kept it quiet because he knew in my pregnant state it would upset me and because I hadn't had an easy weekend, so it was the last thing I wanted to hear. He was genuinely surprised that I was upset by it, to him it was just harmless stag do fun.

While I was in the dark about the strippers, I agreed to DH going another stag do (that's he's currently on) and it turns out exactly the same thing is going to happen. If I had known I would have said "no" because of how awful I was going to feel about it. It's a lot for me to be completely on my own with the DCs for 4 days whilst heavily pregnant, but knowing that he's going to be in presence of perfect naked women is just making me feel really sad. I sat in the bath this evening and just sobbed. Before I had DH's kids I had a body to be proud of and a career and a life, now I feel all washed up and spat out if that makes sense? That being said the DCs are my life and I wouldn't change that for anything.

Am I over-reacting due to hormones/feeling really unattractive? Do I need to get a grip?

If you've got this far, thanks for reading. It's 4am here and the DCs will up soon so I'm going to try to sleep.

OP posts:
WitchesWreakinHavoc · 18/10/2012 20:40

The comments on this thred are annoying me now.

Op. I would not have a problem with my dp going on a stag do and strippers serving him drinks. I trust him!
If you trust your dh I do not see a problem.
You have encouraged him to go on another one so you are sending out mixed signals to the poor bloke and now you are beckoning him back.
I understand you must be very hormonal right now but if you didnt want him to go you should have told him so. I know I was a nightmare when I was pregnant and if my dp told me he was off with strippers for the night I would have said not a chance. I understand why he didnt tell you, but when asked he didnt lie.
You should trust him more.

MadAboutHotChoc · 18/10/2012 20:44

Witches - its about trusting your DH to respect his partner, marriage and women, rather than perving over naked women who are probably not there out of free choice.

She didn't know there would be a stripper at this stag do - not all stag dos involve buying women's bodies Hmm

mrsmplus3 · 18/10/2012 20:45

Malif and madabout:

we weren't all lucky enough to marry the perfect man. A lot of men AND women are young and immature when they marry but together they figure it out and work on themselves and grow up.
Isn't that what bejng in a good marriage is all about?

MadAboutHotChoc · 18/10/2012 20:45

And some people consider sexual contact of this kind cheating.

Do not MINIMISE OP's distress - she is ENTITLED to her feelings and views about strippers.

Malificence · 18/10/2012 20:45

Witches, can't you see that this isn't a trust issue?
Its a respect issue, for OP and for women in general.
Bully for you if your husband participating in the sex industry isn't a problem for you.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 18/10/2012 20:45

it's not the male attitudes referred to on this thread that make me feel like crying

it's the "boys will be boys and you have to put up with it if you want to keep your man sweet (but make sure you get your spa day" bollocks spouted by some women to others that make me fucking puke

mamij · 18/10/2012 20:46

Malificence - I don't think OP really wants to lose her DH because he's going away on a stag. She just needs to let him know she's very unhappy with him.

It's great he's getting the next flight home. Shows he's not a big a "pig" as everyone (including me!) thinks.

MadAboutHotChoc · 18/10/2012 20:46

Being in a good marriage does not mean buying women's bodies.

MadAboutHotChoc · 18/10/2012 20:47

bangs head on wall

Malificence · 18/10/2012 20:48

Mrsmum, my DH was 18 years old when I married him, he has never treated me with the disrespect shown on threads like these.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 18/10/2012 20:48

choc, give it up

I pretty much had stopped contributing to these threads

I dunno why I came on this one

they all end up the fucking same

(and OP will keep her twat of a husband)

MadAboutHotChoc · 18/10/2012 20:49

yup AF, got a headache so I'm off now....

MyDonkeysAZombie · 18/10/2012 20:49

ffs I did not say "make it up to her" by "spoiling" her, OP's feeling less than gorgeous and desirable, why the hell should she be stuck at home, not spending money on herself and feeling like the drudge, of course it's not right her OH skipped off on another stag weekend in spite of her objections. She's moved halfway across the world and put her career on hold, she absolutely deserves more than sitting home crying in the bathtub.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 18/10/2012 20:49

there is a klaxon that goes off on some Adult Work-type somewhere

we get swarmed by MRA's and the fucking brainless women that support them every time there is a thread like this

it makes me puke

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 18/10/2012 20:50

website

WitchesWreakinHavoc · 18/10/2012 20:51

I am not minimising anything. I'm saying it as it is.

ok op was narked there were strippers at the first stag do but then she encouraged her dh to go to the second one.

Strippers have a job like anyone else has a job, they get paid for what they do.

Titsalinabumsquash · 18/10/2012 20:51

"Typical man" Hmm really?

Jesus, no wonder this world has so many problems, however op don't fear, you can be a "typical woman" and be pacified by a spa day.

Malificence · 18/10/2012 20:53

I stay off any thread that mentions the AW site, I think this board is some kind of magnet.

I haven't got a "perfect" man - Just one who respects me and puts my feelings above anyone or anything else, isn't that the most basic requirement for anyone's relationship? Confused

mrsmplus3 · 18/10/2012 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 18/10/2012 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TonyMontanasGun · 18/10/2012 21:11

Can see why your upset, i would be too, but im glad to hear he's coming home.

Please have a good chat with him and let him REALLY know how much this upsets you.

He's disrespecting and upsetting you, its not on.

mrsmplus3 · 18/10/2012 21:12

You've just really made me laugh. Acting all threatening on mumsnet. You need to calm down pet!

mrsmplus3 · 18/10/2012 21:13

Op- im glad for you that he's coming home. Time for you to chill and look after yourself.

AlfieBear87 · 18/10/2012 21:13

MrsM you were doing so well until the last little bit - did make me laugh though :)

I too would like to say there is no need to abuse other people's husbands. You do not know my DH, he is totally unique and therefore not like other men you may think you 'know'.

OP, from the sounds of it there are a lot of things that are combining to make you feel this low. You need to evaluate these when you are less tired and (slightly) less emotional. You will then know if it's the presence of topless women that's making you feel like this or the many other factors adding up. Your DH sounds like a decent man from what you've said. I would suggest not making any rash decisions.

All the best.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 18/10/2012 21:17

no, mrsm, I want you to name the person you are
dishing a personal attack out to, so I can more easily report it and get it deleted

I couldn't be arsed to "threaten" you, that would be rather silly

and how silly of you to imagine that