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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just told DP to leave, he has gone

64 replies

zombieplanmum · 18/10/2012 11:20

I wanted to say "don't go" I want to ring him and tell him to come back. He probably will be back later, he hasn't anywhere else to go and was on his way out to a job anyway, but there is something deep down that tells me it will be best if he doesn't. Oh god, what if he doesn't, my DD is going to be devestated, she's only 7 and ive sent her daddy away.

OP posts:
YellowRiver · 18/10/2012 11:24

Why did you tell him to leave?

ellargh · 18/10/2012 11:33

I don't know if you've posted the back story or if I've just not read it but I'm so sorry you and your DD are going through this.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/10/2012 11:36

People don't tell others to go for no reason OP. What's been going on?

izzyizin · 18/10/2012 11:50

What's happened, zombie?

Original poster
zombieplanmum · 18/10/2012 12:05

Sorry to post and run, i had a phone call.

We were having a row about money and the fact that i failed yet anotehr job interview, but the issue is more that he isn't really stepping up wiht his work (self employed), not getting to jobs on time etc, he had agreed with me about this and then when he did it AGAIN today and i asked him if he was to go to work today he gets all defensive, tells me to stop nagging him then well just say "yeah zombie, yeah zombie" over and over again in a really horrible teenage type voice. He knows this fries my head, he does it all the time, to the point where my 7 year old now does it to me and i find it really upsetting. Theres a word for it, people on here say it all the time, its not gas lighting but something like that. So I just told him, get the fuck out of my life - now im sat here not knowing if he has gone or not. I was on the phone for some time, i was upset and a friend called me and i was on the phone to him for half an hour, my mobile rang but i didnt get it, tried to ring DP to see if it were him (private number so either him or my mum) but he isn't answering. Maybe he really has gone.

If it wasn't for my DD id be relieved - the truth is, i think he will be back, part of me wants that, part of me sees that he is stressed to, but he can do soemthing about it, he can pull his finger out and sort out the jobs he has, get some concrete decisions on the ones outstanding and bring some money in. I can't do anything apart from help him, i do, i know more about the building regulations regarding the job he did last week than i ever thoght existed, i do all this for him, but if i try and chase him up on things im "going on" ive had enough - he has zero respect for me and he is making my dd have zero respect for me. I do however love him with all my heart and im just devestated. I dont know what is going to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
zombieplanmum · 18/10/2012 12:19

anyone? im falling apart

OP posts:
Original poster
zombieplanmum · 18/10/2012 12:23

anyone? please, even if its to tell me a really am a fat festering cunt

OP posts:
Original poster
zombieplanmum · 18/10/2012 12:26

please

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 18/10/2012 12:29

I'm here (sorry at work). You certainly will not fall apart Zombie, you have a lovely little girl to look after.

Things have just come to a head, which can have a far better outcome you know.

Don't call him anymore Zombie, let him contact you. A massive talk needs to be had doesn't it.

Original poster
zombieplanmum · 18/10/2012 12:29

please will somebody talk to me, he wont answer the phone, im worried

OP posts:
Original poster
zombieplanmum · 18/10/2012 12:30

but what if hes done something stupid?

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 18/10/2012 12:30

Why are you worried, he's probably ignoring your calls at the moment honey.

foxtrottango · 18/10/2012 12:31

I dont normally comment on these but you are not a bad person for telling him to leave. The way he responds to you would drive me up the wall too. If it is in his power to earn money just by being organised and applying himself then that is what he needs to do. If i had to nag my other half to do some work id be showing him the door as well!!

Original poster
zombieplanmum · 18/10/2012 12:31

i know where he is working, i could just go and see that his van is there, to make sure he is ok? then you re right, dont call him again

OP posts:
LunaticFringe · 18/10/2012 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/10/2012 12:31

"doing something stupid" is very rare, I'd say he's ignoring you and letting you stew.

ClippedPhoenix · 18/10/2012 12:32

Don't you dare run after him!

Original poster
zombieplanmum · 18/10/2012 12:33

not running after him, just making sure hes ok

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 18/10/2012 12:34

Why wouldn't he be ok? You yourself said he had no respect at the moment for you. He's bloody fine.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/10/2012 12:36

Think about your DD. She's already witnessing the problems between you if she's mimicking his taunts... What else is she picking up at the same time do you think? So, whatever happens next, reassure yourself that DD does not need to be in an atmosphere where her parents are falling out.

Next... have the courage of your convictions. If he's supposed to be a businessman he needs to start acting like one and not expecting you to pick up the slack for things he can't be bothered to learn or to employ someone to deal with. Builders that don't know the regulations or don't turn up on time are going to lose out to better operators. He sounds like a lazy man and IME they are highly unlikely to walk out of a nice home where someone does their washing just because they've been told to. So don't demean yourself by chasing him on the phone. He has to know you're serious.

Finally.... nothing is resolved just because you said 'go' and he's 'gone'. If he comes back there are problems to overcome and that requires communication. If he doesn't, you need to start thinking about life in a slightly different way.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/10/2012 12:38

Don't go to see where his van is!!! What do you honestly think he's going to do? Shoot himself in the head with a nail-gun? He's a grown man that you say behaves like a lazy teenager. So treat him like you're his partner and not his mother...

TantrumsAndBalloons · 18/10/2012 12:39

I don't think it's a good idea to keep ringing or going to look for him.

I know it must be horrendous but I think you need to step back for while. You said you think he will be back later today?
Can you just leave it til the time he is due back?

Anniegetyourgun · 18/10/2012 12:40

Don't panic, pet. He'll be back, of course he'll be back. He wants to frighten you, though, so you'll get off his back. The thing is, by the sound of it, you ought to be on his back because he isn't taking his responsibilities seriously.

Do try not to feel too bad about not getting the job. There's a lot of candidates chasing every job and some really great people have to miss out. It isn't your fault and you shouldn't be given grief about it.

Sidge · 18/10/2012 12:40

He sounds like a tool and you're better off without him. He has no respect for you and his behaviour is negatively impacting on your daughter.

He's acting like a child so treat him like one and ignore him. He's a big boy and can look after himself.

Original poster
zombieplanmum · 18/10/2012 12:44

I just want to know he is ok, but im not going to go, because he could be in one of two places and i dont want to be roaming the streets like a mad woman. Please don't think my DP is a bad person, he is just disorganised and a bit demotivated. Its really just the taunting that i can't stand and cogito, you are right, my DD is seeing too much of this. But it would BREAK HER HEART to lose her daddy, she adores him, if we split i would have to let her go with him as i know this would be what she wants. probably because im big bad mummy who nags and makes her do homework, wont let her drink coke, eat sweets, get to school on time

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