I've just told DP to leave, he has gone

[zombieplanmum]

I wanted to say "don't go" I want to ring him and tell him to come back. He probably will be back later, he hasn't anywhere else to go and was on his way out to a job anyway, but there is something deep down that tells me it will be best if he doesn't. Oh god, what if he doesn't, my DD is going to be devestated, she's only 7 and ive sent her daddy away.

i just want him to come home

Cogito, I'd go a step further. If everytime there is a conflict the only solution is to break away, not work on the issue, then OP's DD will also learn that relationship are not worth working on.
The example to set is that there are differences and conflicts but there is also the willingness to overcome them, as a family, as a unit.
That to me is much more important than one's pride. After all OP's OH is not the only one not getting any cash in, he could see it as double standard, ebing critised for something OP is not achieving either.
It's easy to pass the bucket of blame and point at the other as the only party responsible. It takes two to argue and it takes two to find a solution like responsible parents should do. You don't break a family over an argument. You mend it and find a solution.

You're so sure that your DP would be happy to be single, earning a living and responsible for your DD? Wouldn't count that particular chicken before it has hatched if I were you. He may be disorganised and demotivated but that does not give him the right to dismiss your worries or treat you with contempt just because you expect him to get to jobs on time.... He needs to grow up

Sounds like a lot was said in the heat of the moment. There's nothing like money (and lack of it) to spark rows. He'll be cooling off so I wouldn't pester or go looking for him since you might make it worse. Give him some time, you cool down too, and then you need to talk to him calmly.

Sorry OP, I hate that panicky feeling when you're not sure whether what you've said is going to cause a big situation or just blow over...

"If everytime there is a conflict the only solution is to break away, not work on the issue, then OP's DD will also learn that relationship are not worth working on."

This isn't about pride, this is about taking responsibility. Women should not be expected to carry unreasonable men at the expense of their own self-respect. Her father is not willing to overcome differences and conflicts... he sticks his fingers in his ears and makes sing-song noises.

Take some deep, slow breaths in and out. Calm down. You're 50 steps down the road talking about custody when you've had an argument!

Go and do something active like cleaning or exercising. Leave the situation a lone for a while.

Oh Christ, yet again, the entire blame falls on the man...FFS

Oh FFS...nothing. She says 'go', he storms off in a huff. He'll be back for supper guaranteed. His type always do, sadly.

Do you think you're helping right now Mou?

Narked, I tried to voice earlier why I thought it was important to try and save the relationship and that setting examples goes both ways, if a relationship is trashed because of an arguemnt that is a poor example to set. but that post was ignored.

If a relationship is trashed on the strength of one isolated argument you'd have a point. The OP sounds more like they are in end of tether territory where the same problems are coming up time after time. The OP cannot 'save the relationship' single-handed. No-one can.

But OP just told her OH to leave, that is not trying to save the relationship...They seem to have difficulties communicating, so I can't see why advising her to break up the relationship is a sound suggestion. I'd rather try and see how I can improve my relationship rather than bin it as it is imperfect.
She also started by declaiming that her OH got upset when yet again she failed a job interview, so OP's OH is not the only one having issues with keeping a job or getting one.
Why is it always the fault of the male? Why does no one ever ask what the other side of the story looks like?

FFS, the OP is upset after a big argument. It's hardly the time for 'why is it aleays the fault of the male.'

Could we possibly go back to helping the OP rather than seeing and debating things that are probably to her irelevant?

OP you need to occupy yourself with something. As right now i dont think you are thinking straight. When/if he comes back you two need to sit down & talk to each other about why you had the arguement, why you asked him to leave & where you want the future to go.

Everything will be alright.

Zombie, sorry you are having such a rough time. I agree with Annie that he needs to man up and take his work more seriously. Can you help him with his work at all i.e. do the admin, do some marketing etc, chase up payments? Perhaps not either possible or realistic but just a thought (and it would give you something else to put on your CV). Just go on with the job hunting, am sure you are doing your best and that's the way the job market is just now.

Have you tried the Good Moves website? You can search job vacancies by area, salary, hours etc (I know it involves the charity and voluntary sector but these are paid posts, not volunteering) www.goodmoves.org.uk/

I also agree that he will be back. You could then at some stage go somewhere quiet, just the two of you, and have a serious conversation about what you both want and need (even if it is him retraining or moving out or whatever).

He rang and apologised, i was relieved and cried alot - i told him that the "yeah yeah yeah" thing stops now otherwise it is a deal breaker. He said he understands this. We spoke about a few things we can do to secure some work for the next few months.

moumoucow It is not about blaming the man, or anyone actually but I was upset and people came along and spoke to me about it, took MY side by way of support. No one told me that my DP is a bastard, they told me he is acting like a child, he was, he recognised that he was being a prick. To be fair, i was being a prick too. Its not about fault, its not my fault that i am struggling to get a job, i have lost count of the amount of jobs i have applied for. My point is that i am doing what a can, i can't control anything beyond that, DP can and needs to, but i do recognise that it is hard for him too.

People side with the OP, its called support, it would be pretty awful to come on and say actually OP, i think you are a cunt, so if i think that on posts i don't post so i suppose thats why things are biased.

Thompsontwins i shall have a look at that website, thankyou. I am waiting to see if a fellowship i have applied for is going to get funded, that would solve my problem, but i wont know for three months :( So frustrating.

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better and you've talked.

You have asked him to leave in the heat of the moment and are still obviously very upset. You have no reason to expect he is in any danger so the best thing to do is calm down and use this time to think about how you will address these issues when he comes home. This probably should involve saying you didn't want him to leave and apologising. However you also calmly need to state why you lost your rag and open a discussion on what you both need to do wrt to jobs and finances.

Cross post. Sounds like you are making progress already . You need to set aside time to talk about these issues rather than allowing resentment to build to a point you just snap. Good luck.

Most posts in this thread have been subjective with a few managing to remain objective.

Taking your side by default isn't being supportive. And if you are being a cunt then sometimes being told "no offence but you're being a cunt" is the most supportive thing you can do.

Being supportive isn't just about comforting people or telling them what they want to hear, it's about offering them something they perhaps need to hear and providing help.

You and your partner have your woes and no one acts rationally in an argument. You both reacted like kids, we all do but you've both calmed down and are talking it through and that's wonderful. That's the only way to make progress and I genuinely hope this resolves things.

Good luck zombieplanmum.

zombie my DH and I had very similar issues a couple of years ago. I have to say Relate helped enormously and my DH had some CBT to help him with his motivation and self-esteem. He's still by nature (or nurture) a lazy sod but Relate have given us the tools to deal with any problems that arise without resorting to verbals. Worth a try as you clearly want to work on things...

I feel emotionally hammered, dp is just carrying on as normal and i feel like i have done ten rounds with mike tyson - why can he just let things go like this? I want o scream at him

He sounds like a child.

So, last night after the phone call where he was all lovely and apologetic, i got indifference really. Oh and "you look really fed up" whats the matter now? FFS, really? he had to ask? Several mums at the school asked after me yesterday, so i can only assume i looked terrible. Thankfully i just managed to smile and say that i was just tired.

None of the ideas we spoke about on the phone have been acted upon, because guess what, this will be a huge surprise this - when i mentioned it "do you have to start going on again!" So i am not going to, any more - let him sort it out, let him contact the client that is being lazy about paying, let him explain to the mortgage company that we are nearly two months in arrears now because he doesn't want to nag his client about paying for a job that his finished and signed off by the building inspector.

I had to borrow money last night because it was a non-uniform day at school and my dd had literally nothing to wear, well unless you count too short leggings etc as she seems to have had a growth spurt. Yes i could have made do, but i feel bad enough as it is im buggered if i was going to let my DD go to the school looking like a tramp. I'll pay it back out of my cleaning money, which i stupidly told them to pay monthly becaues i thought i could save a bit for xmas.

I am having treatment for anxiety but i honestly think that if DP were to step up and get motivated alot of my problems would go away, but the whole things seems to rely on me getting a job, i am doing what i can, i can't do any more than i am doing now - but i have no control over this, i can only wait until the dice rolls my way, it hasn't done for three years of looking so im not holding my breath.

Within five minutes of me and DD walking in last night there was shouting and tears - this situation cannot be allowed to continue.