I've just told DP to leave, he has gone

[zombieplanmum]

I wanted to say "don't go" I want to ring him and tell him to come back. He probably will be back later, he hasn't anywhere else to go and was on his way out to a job anyway, but there is something deep down that tells me it will be best if he doesn't. Oh god, what if he doesn't, my DD is going to be devestated, she's only 7 and ive sent her daddy away.

This is cyclical and something has to change or you'll just keep going around the same themes and behaviour patterns with each other. If you're living in a stressful environment you will feel anxious. No amount of medication can change your environment.

Cashflow is obviously causing you the most stress at the moment and, from the picture you paint, he is not the man you want by your side in a financial crisis. I can understand why you want to force him to take responsibility by taking a step back but I think you'd be the one that ended up suffering, feeling more anxious, and therefore it would be counter productive.

Leaving questions of love & marriage to one side for a second, money's money. If he would genuinely rather blame you for mentioning it than ask a customer to pay their bill he has a problem. Not everyone is good with cash but if your DH is not only refusing to tackle the problem himself but won't give you the role or pay someone else, then it's simply not going to improve. Medicating yourself is not going to change that. You finding a better-paid job will also help the cashflow and I hope you find one but, again, medication is not going to make that more likely. And, even if you find that job, it won't prevent you being annoyed about the rest.

When you have a bad-tempered, anxiety-making stalemate with no prospect of change I think - sadly, and this is not a 'it's the man's fault' statement) - that you are going to end up with an ultimatum. If you can't even talk let alone work together constructively as a couple to overcome your problems .... there isn't much of a future for you.

I know you are right cogito - its not what i want to hear of course because i do love him so much and things were so so good between us, really until he started this business, i rue the day i realy do. I always told him not to, but he said i was holding him back that he was unhappy working for other people. I should have stuck to my guns. This is what breaks my heart, i know how good it could be - but its gone hasn't it?

Zombie if you are not working, why cant your dh let you do the admin, make invoices and chase payment? If he is overwhelmed by this, this is an area you can help!

If you want to give me your email address, I can email you an Invoice template that you can tailor to your husbands business. He can show you what needs doing, and you can just post out payment reminders. Complete with bank details and payment terms

That's a really good idea quint

I used to do that for my DH as he has a "thing" about chasing people for money whereas I think I'd rather harass people to pay than explain to our DCs why the electric has been cut off.

""do you have to start going on again!""

This is why the practical solutions wouldn't work.... Any mention of the problem gets this reaction. This man will not be receptive to offers of help all the time he sees any kind of discussion as a personal attack

quint, thanks but i do all of that already, in fact i even climb up chimneys for him - i just can't chase the clients really, well i can, and i do some of them, but i can only do that if i have been "involved" with the client at some stage. But anyway, he has been in touch with the client and hopefully a little nudge is what is needed. I have just broken down again on him and he is being more understanding, it needs to last though. I need to make changes too.

What do you need to change?

Oddly enough i need to stop "going on" because i do! Saying that, it is not fair of DP to say that to me the minute i bring something up but i do sort of understand why. I have told him that we need to change things, to be fair he has been more pro-active today. You are right though, this is cyclical, if i told you my original nickname you would want to shake me actually. The thing now is that i think that i am starting to recognise that whilst i definately need to change things and i am trying, unless he steps up, its not going to work.

Few conflicts can be resolved single-handed and you're right that unless he puts in some effort as well as you, you'll get nowhere. As a couple you may benefit from counselling if for no other reason than having a third person in the room means you talk civilly instead of heading back down well-worn paths. That assumes you'd both agree to do it, of course.

Have you considered a deadline for the money matters? If you tell him you won't mention the payment thing again until next Wednesday perhaps, that gives him a few days breathing space to shift himself, contact the customer, deal with the mortgage company and get the job done. A few days isn't going to materially change your bank balance or your mortgage arrears. If he makes an effort, take it from there. If next Wednesday happens and he's done nothing, you know he's not willing or able to take it seriously.

He has contacted the client already, its not been that long since the job was finished though, finished monday, signed off by builing inspector wednesday, but of course we need the money now.

So you're pissed off at him because he doesn't turn up to work on time even though you don't have a job? I think I'd be pretty pissed off if I were him too.

I feel really sorry for you. Money matters have a way of eating at the heart of even a really strong relationship. I have cried so many sleepless nights over finances, more than some other seemingly stressful things, you literally can't sleep as all you do is lie there calculating just how much you haven't got.

The thing is: you are both blaming each other and angry, but the problem is money. If he only just finished the job, and you had no hand in it, he may be right that you starting to harass the person to pay a few days later may be too much. But I totally understand the desperation which would drive you to want to do this.

OP, I just hope your luck changes, the period in which we were in serious financial difficulties was the worst of our marriage. But we have staggered through it.

Is there anything you can do about the mortgate, get a payment holiday? I might have a serious chat with the mortgate company. I think it is the unknown that is stressful, in some ways, hitting rock bottom (we lost pretty much everything) was actually better than trying to keep it all juggling in the air!

It's very easy for people to say: he's not a great guy in a financial crisis or he shouldn't snap when you go on at him, of course not. But, the reality is that we are in the middle of a horrendous depression, you can't get work, and this does affect how people act, even though of course it shouldn't. The pressure on him is probably fairly terrible, he made a judgement call to set up his own business, probably at a good time when he saw a strong future, and it hasn't worked out. Thousands of people have lost their businesses and their homes and it isn't all because they are crap with money.

Keep on in there, it will get better at some stage. Try to get back that feeling of being a 'team' fighting against the world, rather than fighting each other.

Well he sounds like an immature prick to me, and you might well be better off without him. He started his own business in the middle of a recession and dismissed your objections as 'holding him back', and now he's not prepared to do the boring bits of running the business? Oh, and his response to being picked up on his laziness and disorganization is to flounce off and hide in the bushes so that you forget about your perfectly justifiable complaints and have to run round fretting in case he's drowned himself?