I think i should leave my partner but i just cant bare to not be with him. Im so lost and confused.
We've been together 7 years and have 2 kids (we're not married) I dont trust him, i never have (with good reason) and i dont think i ever will.
He cheated on me very early on. We broke up but he begged me to take him back, we worked on things then i found out he had a secret phone to carry on contact with his OW. We broke up again and i met somebody else.
When things didnt work out with the other person i started talking to my now partner again, and because i was absolutely besotted with him i took him back. We went on to have our 2 children and moved in together.
7 years down the line and i just cant carry on, i just cant trust him. He goes out once a month to play cards with his friends and i know deep down that he is where he says he is, but i still get paranoid.
When he goes to the gym i know deep down that thats exactly where he is, but again i have all kinds going through my head.
Its almost like i do trust him but dont want to if that even makes sense.
We had a huge row on monday about the trust issue, he says he's sick to death of me not trusting him when he's spent the last 6 years proving to me that he is trustworthy, that when all that carry on with OW was going on he was just young and stupid (he was 23) and now he's grown up, has kids to think of and loves me more than ever.
He's a great dad to our kids, they absolutely dote on him and he dotes on them, he often surprises me with weekends away, showers me with attention and affection, always tells me im beautiful etc
But he can also have a real attitude problem, if i say something he doesnt like he will simply tell me to fuck off and walk out of the room.
Once in a row he told me i was boring and miserable, another time (just after our oldest was born) he told me (whilst very drunk) during a row that "its a good job you had that baby coz you'd have nothing else" the next day he said he was ashamed of himself for saying it.
In other words he's the nicest guy in the world until you cross him then he's a real arsehole.
Not saying im a saint though, i can give as good as i get.
Last couple of weeks ive just got the feeling he doesnt want to be here, he's been snappy and rude, dismissing me when i speak to him and accusing me of always moaning at him.
He announced on tuesday that he's going to see his family down south at the weekend and staying the night at his nans, but im not invited because i just whinge that i dont like sitting in other peoples houses all day (i admit, i am like that) and i dont think he's taking any of the kids, when i probed further about the kids he snapped saying i was interrogating him and didnt speak to me for the rest of the day!
Yesterday he left his phone on the side so i had a look and all his calls and texts had been deleted.
Im on the verge of losing it and telling him to leave but i cant bare the thought of us not being together, if he got somebody else it would kill me, if he had more kids it would devestae me that those kids got their dad full time but my kids didnt.
I donr know what to do