not ok to shake our son...

[DippyDoohdah]

my estranged Dh and I have been trying to have some family time before divorce finalised, to make sure w are doing right thing/see if can come back together.long story but includes me feeling very strongly that is too heavy handed with 2 and 4 year old ds..4 year old showing some autistic tendencies.anyway...
yesterday, 2 year old (soon 3) did something minor and Dh told him to say sorry..ds refused a couple of times..Dh got very angry that he was being defied and grabbed ds, raised him in the air in front of him and shook him two or three times, shouting, until ds burst into tears.Dh thinks they need a firm hand.he came to pick them up for nursery this morning and eldest was playing up about not wanting to go out..Dh frog matched him to door, shouting and ds was cowering and trekking me did not want to go..Dh pulled them both out and they both left in tears.
they can be challenging, extremely bright and loving.
I just need a bit if affirmation that this is not ok, no matter how many nice bits can come unbeaten..

[Mumsyblouse]

Dippy- well done, I am delighted you have taken action, now keep going!

This man is scary, when anyone challenges him (so in his personal life, work life with colleagues, out in public, you, the children now) he gets aggressive and violent, and believes this to be his right (these ARE his values).

Please stay safe and do exactly as the social worker told you: go through with the divorce, offer him contact centre (his choice if he doesn't use it) and never put youself in a situation like that again, don't be alone with him. All contact through solicitors.

He is scary though, you have always downplayed this, and if you feel unsafe, call the police.

Good luck.

[dippyDoohdah]

it's pathetic bit I still feel part of me loves him.I miss him, especially at weekends although he was not around much then as he usually worked.why can't I just hate him like other people can hate xp? am trying to get back into church and that frame of mind, but then I think about forgiveness and it makes me wobble.l need some of you that know of me to shout at me please.decree nisi in 2 Weeks, no ounce of me feels happy about that.shouts, please

[PermanentlyOnEdge]

Bumping. I only saw this for the first time today, but will happily shout. Your situation unhappily mirrors my own although I believe mine is a more watered down version which leaves me struggling even more with the idea of leaving.

You have got this far. Don't waver.

[dibs78]

I only read half way through posts but wanted to comment on the original post. If my dh did the same to my dc- who is also nearly 3....I would walk away. I would never, ever allow him to see them again. It doesn't matter if the child was actually hurt as a result (if not this time, they will be hurt one day)....the fact is I could never allow my children to be treated so nastily and badly. In my opinion it is assault- would you continue to allow the child to see a friend who did this to them?? A teacher?? Well why allow the father to continue contact if there is any chance he'll do this again. Your poor children- they must be so scared :(

[dibs78]

Just read most recent posts- well done op! Good luck

[tasmaniandevilchaser]

dippy just come to this thread, I think you are pretty amazing. You've had lots of good advice so I won't repeat it but I will just say -

You can forgive him, that doesn't mean you can't get divorced, that doesn't mean you have to let him see the DC unsupervised and not protect your DC. He is a damaged person, and he has the potential to damage you and your DC, even more. Go back and read the Lundy Bancroft book others have recommended.

I have read the whole thread and it seems to me that a decree nisi is fantastic news. Seriously if I knew you in RL, we'd be having champagne when that decree nisi comes through. You can properly start to re build your life.

[dippyDoohdah]

tasmanian thanks..er, it would have to be Shloer as am having some T total time as all this in the last 2 years left me with an overreliance on vino . Don't feel like much of a hero though, health visitor and co suggested I should let him start to have a couple of hours unsupervised contact at weekends, so has started. Boys seem happy with it and at least they get a very part time positive experience of their dad. He won't be around that long though i think, sadly/not sadly (depends how u /I view it) as he already turned up late and dropped back early last Sunday and i really think his end plan will be to go back to middle east. I have started Triple P course to give me extra back up in those single mum aaaagh moments!And gone back to Church (great support network) and done a detox. So not bad, my emotional wobble earlier was just that..because i know am doing handover tomoro 9avoided it last week, parents helped) but i know he is too damaged and too selfish - its just like divorcing a third son really!
permanently - have you got a thread? You say yours is a watered down version, but I underplayed loads for ages...
dibs thanks..you might think am nuts though now, but I do think short sessions are ok. Its a burger and a walk round town/park..I think he got tense as I was there (am not accepting any responsibility though)..some people mayberate me but i have had to weigh it on balance..

[tasmaniandevilchaser]

Hi, I'd be on the shloer as well as I'm pg so that works out fine! Sounds like you are really getting it together with course, detox and support network at church.

[dippyDoohdah]

thanks Tasmanian, and big congrats and wishes for you all x