my estranged Dh and I have been trying to have some family time before divorce finalised, to make sure w are doing right thing/see if can come back together.long story but includes me feeling very strongly that is too heavy handed with 2 and 4 year old ds..4 year old showing some autistic tendencies.anyway...
yesterday, 2 year old (soon 3) did something minor and Dh told him to say sorry..ds refused a couple of times..Dh got very angry that he was being defied and grabbed ds, raised him in the air in front of him and shook him two or three times, shouting, until ds burst into tears.Dh thinks they need a firm hand.he came to pick them up for nursery this morning and eldest was playing up about not wanting to go out..Dh frog matched him to door, shouting and ds was cowering and trekking me did not want to go..Dh pulled them both out and they both left in tears.
they can be challenging, extremely bright and loving.
I just need a bit if affirmation that this is not ok, no matter how many nice bits can come unbeaten..
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not ok to shake our son...
DippyDoohdah · 15/10/2012 22:42
Thank you all of you, including the ones that were a bit heavy! To update, I spent half an hour on phone to my HV this afternoon. I told her exactly what I have told you all, and your/my 2 friends concerns. She initially said that it was not serious enough to meet the threshold for ss to take it on as a case, knowing how snowed under they are (how bad is that?? what does that say about society now..). I kind of expected this as I work with ss and know, as I said, some truely horrible cases where children still not been removed. When health visitor said that, sadly, something more serious would have to happen for ss to get involved, I was amazed, and said so. I did express the concerns that all of you have reflected and she acknowledged them but suggested the best really is to speak to solicitor about mediation. I asked her about supervised contact and she said that was for me to decide and even suggested that perhaps stbxh is more stressed/tense when i am there and can parent better if he sees 2 ds alone..but agreed that how can we know that?
Anyway, when i said that i feel i am just being totally left alone in this with no0 support, she did listen and engage me further. i told her i do sometimes lose my rag and shout at boys, which she said is never ok. But i said their dad does so, really shouts, at some point, most/every time sees them. Recalled to her a horrible road rage incident, that ss have written to me twice after rows at home and that their dad has the opinion that the ds's should be scared of him for effective parenting. Also told her that he used to talk about 'breaking' ds 1 (in reference to his spirit, though english not his first language) and that I feel ds 1 has had the most hard time from his dad..but think that he has now almost decided that ds 2 is of age and will start/has started getting harder on him too.
At this point, hv started making noises about the more she hears, the more she is thinking there is the need for a child in need or even child protection referral. She is giving me time to think and wants tom meet next week to discuss further and find out more.
I truely feel sick. I love my sons so much but have struggled with this destructive relationship for the last 3 years. It has been emotionally abusive for me too, and yes i have felt initimidated before. the list is long and will not post it, have posted before.
I feel that i have hugely dropped my standards since i met this man. He is a hypocrite that undermines my attempts at discipline and believes his way is the only way. He is scared of noone. I have spent the last couple of years preoccupied with the crappy drama of him/us, masking it all, and letting him come in and out of our lives.
I have struggled with the responsibility, as he drifts in, takes over and goes again. I have forgotten my standards and values. I do still believe I am quite a good mum, but not good enough. DS with their lovely grandparents tonight (we are so so lucky to have them, and they know everything, including whats happened today). So know I know i will have to speak to him, lay down what is totally not acceptable and MY rules from now on. I do not think it will even get to the issue of where and how he sees them, as i think he will blow up before then. Sick to the pit of my stomach, ladies 
.
So sorry about ultra long post...
Oh, Dippy, you poor thing.
I don't know your backstory, but it does not sound happy.
I hope your face-to-face meeting with the HV will be more productive.
IME mediation is a great way forward when both parties want to reach an agreement on finances/access to children etc. NOT to rectify somebody's idea of parenting, particularly when he thinks he is in the right 
. Do you have legal advice? Thought about phoning Childline for advice?
Children need to respect their parents, not fear them. Parents should be Safe, always. What is it with some men/people (usually men)??
Have you had a look around here on threads about emotionally abusive relationships? I don't know that that is what you are dealing with, but might be worth a gander.
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AAh. 4 yr old just called me from G parents to say night night..he got star of the day for being so cooperative and caring. So lovely, so proud. not trying to deflect the rubbish going on, just lovely to share 
Not heard from stbxh, will maybe be tomorrow day that we speak (churning stomach)..
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