Should I be worried?

[uneasyandconcerned]

I'd be grateful for some female perspective on the following. My wife recently met an old flame (from about 15yrs ago) at the wedding of a mutual friend (I was unable to attend the wedding as I was abroad). Since then she has been in communication with him by text. She obviously enjoyed seeing him again, and admits to having been attracted to him although she says (and I believe) that they just talked.

We have been married 10 yrs, have 2 kids and have been/are very happy.

I am not the jealous type but something just doesn't feel right about this for reasons I can't quite put my finger on. On the one hand I don't want to make a mountain out of this if there is nothing in it ... but on the other I don't want to be the unwitting mug. Should I be worried?

I'm thinking the best thing to do would be have faith in our marriage and hope for the best. Do I have 'mug' written across my forehead?

Yep! I would be slightly wary but if its going to happen you can't stop it, either trying to prevent it will push her away or being too laid back will facilitate it, all you can hope is its all above board and all fizzles out quite quickly, at the moment its all exciting so dont try to stand in the way too much of what could return to a non-existant friendship

If you're worried, tell her you're feeling worried. She'll either reassure you there's nothing going on & possibly show you the content of the texts or she'll drop the old flame back where she found him. Personally, if I wanted to keep a lover secret from a husband I wouldn't tell you a) I found him attractive or b) that I was talking to him.

Yes tell her that you're uneasy and that because you're not usually paranoid and jealous, your antennae about this has bothered you possibly more than the friendship itself.

It's a bit of a risky strategy being in constant text contact with an old flame that you are still attracted to. Your wife might be kidding herself that because you know and it's not secret, she's invulnerable to a bit of ego-stroking and where that might lead. The problem is that she might not be invulnerable, but she won't know that until she's got a bit addicted to the contact, by which time it's often too late.

Or... she could think that she's told you about the old flame, is enjoying renewing the friendship and that you're mature and secure enough to handle a wife having male friends....

Sorry, but the converse of that is 'immature and insecure' and I don't think that's fair in these circumstances. There's nothing immature about a gut feeling that something could be threatening to the OP's security and any relationship involving old flames and physical attraction isn't a safe friendship at all. In fact it's not really a friendship, unless the OP's wife is physically attracted to all her friends. I just don't want the OP to feel he's got to be a cool, laid-back sort of guy who ignores his fears.

If he's usually fine about opposite-sex friendships, but it's just this one that's making him uncomfortable, I'd take the fear seriously. It's there for a reason i.e. to warn him of a potential threat.