Red shoes, charming lesbians and pirates with taste...Dating Thread 24

[ChaoticismyLife]

It's the best I could come up with

As you were...

In terms of OD and dating in general. I just don't get all the need to over think things. You meet someone, like them, then agonise over whether to text, phone etc...how will it be perceived? I'd far rather a bloke just acts how he wants to act than tries to behave in a different manner to be in with a supposed better chance.

It's like sex on the first date. There are many stories on mn of first date sex where ten years on they are still going strong. And stories of first date sex that never came to anything. Way i see it, there are no right or wrong ways about it. So if you want to have sex on the first date, do it. If it then doesn't work out, no big deal.

I think dating can be majorly over complicated by trying to do everything to some sort of rules as opposed to just...being yourself and doing what you want to do.

bant - eh?/ so your view of men, despite being a man yourself, has come from women you have chatted to online dating?? what???!?!?!? that is the daftest thing ever. also, heres a tip, if you are asking women on dating sites if they have had much luck, or talking about past dates, its going to go down as well as a ton of bricks.....

fate, you do realise, now you have said that, that you will be married again before you know it!!! lol And theres nothing wrong with casual sex, if thats what you want to do, do it ;) i

fate - i totally agree with that. 100%
just be yourselfs, do what you want to do, there is no right way or wrong way.
I had a one night stand that ended in marriage. I had had one previously to that than ended in an engagement. Ive had some since that went knowhere....

If some guys contact me the same night and i dont like them, it will make me like them even less. BUT - if i liked them i will think hes sweet and liked me too.

You cant stick rules on this shit, you just cant, because, in the words of monthy python ' we are all individuals'
:)

(Thanks for the hug Yoga :))

Morning all,

Another 'lurker' here, I've been reading your threads with interest for quite sometime as although not actively dating myself, a lot of my friends are and it's always interesting to compare others experiences. They're generally speaking, having much the same experiences as yourselves if truth be told so your posts have been most helpful.

Snape - The PM saga is quite fascinating, the notebook is also one of the most sincerest, heartfelt and thoughtful gestures I have ever heard of, I genuinely hope it all works out for you.

Sponge - I have a friend with a similar story to yours. In her case she is beautiful, intelligent, loving, caring, thoughtful and a kind soul. However, when it comes to finding a man, this may come across as out of my league, intimidating, waste of my time and there's not a hope for me being able to satisfy all of her needs. I think one of my favourite traits about her is that she is adaptable, I can just as easily take her to Royal Ascot as I could one of Ronald McDonald's establishments and she would quite easily adapt to her surroundings. As you are, she is an incredible woman and I'm sure she will find the right man soon, although I'm pretty sure it'll be when you and her least expect it...

I've also made the decision to 'de-lurk' as the response to a male's perspective was welcomed.

I promise not to speak for the whole of the male sex but quite happy to offer one mans own perspective, if you wish.

Parsley - I think it's a good move to put a public photo up. I am always suspicious that people with no photo are married or in a relationship and I probably wouldn't bother making contact. There are so many people on these sites, like Bantam says that it's easy for people to move on to the next possibility. Also, a lot of people search for profiles with photos only, so you won't even be showing up on many people's searches, which does limit things a bit. Which site are you on btw?

Watch - I have the children 24/7 as their father has no contact, which does make life a bit difficult! Still, there will/must be ways round it even if it's going to involve a mad dash over to his and back again in time for the babysitter . . .

Hi Quint and belated hello to Bantam I think it's great having some men on this thread - the more the merrier and welcome to you both.

snail - no, my view of how men act on online dating sites comes from what women on online dating sites have told me about how men act on online dating sites. And some of it from a friend in real life who has tried it and shared the cringeworthy stories. My view of men in the real world comes from watching them in the real world, chatting to mates etc.

So as an example, a few months ago I was sitting reading a book at a bar, at a hotel for work. And there were three blokes - repairmen or something, having a beer at the table next to me. And the older one was saying that his ex wouldn't let him see the kids, since he hit her that one time, so there was no way he was going to give her any money for them. Which horrified me, but the other two nodded along as if listening to sage wisdom. Then I was at the same place again a few weeks later, and heard the exact same conversation from two different blokes.

Fate - I agree, there's no one way to act. It would be nice if we could all be honest and open but the whole act of dating makes us all feel vulnerable, and try to put our best face forward. I don't lie on my profile to make out I'm something I'm not, and I'm honest about my situation, and chat openly about the stuff that we have in common - which to begin with, is online dating. That's one thing I have in common with someone else who is doing it too. Sometimes I think I understand why men have acted in a certain way, sometimes it baffles me.

Watch - it just seems daft to me, over analysing everything would drive me bonkers. If a guy is going to get a weirded out because I text him the next day after a date or sex whatever, then he's not the bloke for me. I wouldn't then go away thinking, oh shit, I did something wrong, I won't do that again in the future. I would still text another bloke if that's what I wanted to do.

What bothers me about dating is the way so many people seem to think they have to act in certain manners to be wanted. Like they aren't good enough just as they are in appearance and how they behave. I find that sad. Maybe I am arrogant but if I am I interested in a guy, he needs to be 'good enough' for me, not the other way around. All the trying to behave in supposed correct dating manners etc has got to be hard on the self esteem.

western, oh, that makes things a lot more difficult. BUT, not impossible, you just need to get creative, or, like you say, a mad dash back to yours.... Your parents helped out before, didnt they, could you ask them again? or a sleepover at a friends with a promise to return the favour?

sponge - agreeed. If i had only had sex within relationships i would have gone 3 years with no shagging. Thats awful. i was 30 when i seperated from my husband, what a waste..... sex is fun, its free, it makes you feel good, it releases endorphines, it might work off the odd slab of cheese. Its what we are programmed to do... why the fuck would i deny myself that to please the ideals of some cavemen types. ridiclous :)

quint - hi :) and welcome. and, if you are brave enough, and seeing as its a hot topic..... what do you think of women who might shag on the first date?

I added a full length photo when I had arranged a date with someone on POF, saying "this is me, if you only like skinny girls, dont' waste your time on me". He replied "skinny is not high on my list of priorities, you look great"

I just wanted to make sure there was no room for disappointment. As it turned out he was shorter and bigger than I imagined, but as we hit it off, that didn't matter at all.

We ended up in bed on date 1 (not for the first time ever, as I am very easy ) and it hasn't put him off at all. In fact only last night during some very sexy texting he declared me awesome and said he is crazy about me.

The 'rules' and all this stick-tossing, thrill of the chase bollocks is all well and good, but if two adults connect with each other, then whether or not the woman wants to have sex, give head or do anything else, has no real bearing on whether she is long-term GF material. My bloke knows that if he wants more of the same, he stays with me - what sort of twat would decide not to see someone again because she wants to have sex with him?!?

fate - agreed. again. I now think that too :) but i think at the start i thought the other way..... ( as lots of people do)

bant - yeah, but they are knobbers, who, if they were in paper for having such opions, would be roasted!!!! thats not a general male view at all. Thats just a snippit of conversation from some pricks, frankly.

ooh and I have just bought my first ever pair of proper lady-like shoes for our weekend away at the end of the month and they are RED and shiny!!

what sort of twat would decide not to see someone again because she wants to have sex with him?!?

quite :)

Watch - Surely, in the modern world that we live in, if two consenting adults wish to have sex on their first date then that is entirely their choice, no?

Every situation is going to be different as well as every individual will be different as well, so there really is no right or wrong answer in my view.

Sometimes, you have to take the bull by the horns, if you are both willing and eager.

Sometimes, it's best to wait, maybe your attraction to eachother will grow over time and build up to it.

Would I think any less of a woman who had sex with me on the first date? Well, I'd be pretty hypocritical if I did, considering I would have taken part myself.

Fate agree too.

The day after we first slept together I sent him a message saying I was snuggled into his pillow because it smelled sexy.

He loved it. But he has since pointed out that other blokes may find that a bit weird! I said that if they did, they're not the man for me.

Wow you lot talk quickly!

Ok, hello bantam!
parsley yes to photo, it's the only way. Well done for putting it up!

I wouldn't think no photo=munter, just that the person was too awkward and shy. I've noticed when I'm reading men's profiles, if they show any embaraassment or say things like 'I never thought I'd be doing something like this' I go straight off them. It's wat everybody wants to say, but I think that confidence is what attraction is all about really. Somebody comfortable with themselves who just gets on with it will always be more appealing.

Also, it's worth remembering these men/women are just human after all, we all have our insecurities, even things we dislike about ourselves but are not ready to admit yet (eg. hairloss, weight gain).

My lovely friend took some pictures of me yesterday so I've got some recent ones to put up. She did a quick search, and searching for my town I was the first person on the list- eeeek!! The next person down was someone I've known for a loooong time and is incredibly beautiful. Not sure if I was reassured or disheartened to see her on there too.

What was the other thing?...oh yes, yogagirl when I was the dcs dad my fb said in a reltaionship, when we split I changed it to single. I met someone new and after 6months we changed to in a relationship (but didn't tag the person it was with), we split up a little while ago, and I just removed it but didn't put single, there's no information now. Nobody noticed or commented. He changed is to single and lots of people commented, which is what I was avoiding.

hurrah quint - that is the correct answer. you win 10 points:)

Wouldn't life be so much easier if wore our intent in a placard round out necks!? Sex, whether it be first, third or 99th date, is fine as long as both parties are honest about the reasons for it - whether that's need, fun, lust or a huge attraction. Surely the problems only occur when people have differing (hidden) agendas.

On another subject..... Mr Local has imparted enough info that I could look him up on FB. Hmm, he's switched on enough to have restricted his page BUT.....we have 4 mutual friends! Eeek! And,as he has a local business, I now know where he lives. (Drive by, methinks!)

Hope you hear about the job today Yoga. Fingers crossed for you.

I'm never going to keep up with this thread hello to quint too!

Eipie yes to driveby! What do you actually think of him?

I've just subscribed to soulmates so I can reply to messages, I got 3! 2 of them from men I like the look of. One was just generally saying hello making conversation, the other gave me a lovely compliment and asked if I would like to meet for a drink sometime!

(Best laugh of my week so far - Ben (age 24!) likes the look of me and wants to meet! He's more than half my age! Oh, the joys of OD!)

Thanks Red looks good so far but you can never tell, until meeting in RL, can you.

Quint thank you so much for that, it is some comfort to know I am not entirely alone in my situation (although Watch I know your experience in the past was like mine so you also get where I'm coming from) I'm quite good at fitting into my surroundings too, whilst I may naturally gravitate towards rough pubs and men I also love champagne bars, nice restaurants etc :)

And I agree, the right answer about sex on the first date is that there IS no right or wrong answer!

red well done re soulmates, 3 messages already is good going! I was on there (though never subscribed) and I don't think anyone under 50 even viewed my profile!

(Durrr... Less than half my age! Sleep deprivation!)

Okay a slightly unrelated topic, as Quint seems to have summed up the appropriate answer nicely (also my viewpoint, I should say, I just seem to have gone off on some tangent with dogs and sticks for some reason. I really shouldn't have had beer last night)

So, on OD sites, how many simultaneous email conversations do people generally have? Just one bloke/girl at a time? Keeping up with half a dozen? What's the general consensus?

They do move quickly Red, we're all living such exciting times that 40 pages are filled in the blink of an eye!

I recently changed my FB status to single from separated as I didn't want to be defined by 'not being with ex' any more but am not quite defined as 'in a relationship' yet either (although he did refer to me as his girlfriend for the first time last night!)

Also regarding meeting the DCs, I agree with what someone said on the previous thread about not making a big deal of it, treating it like any other friend. Not everyone you meet will be in your life forever and the DCs are adaptable and understand that better than anyone.

I'm not planning on having a stream of 'uncles' coming and going, but my DCs have heard me talk about my new man and know I am going away for a weekend with him (DS is a very nosy/switched on 12 y/o) so I thought it better that they meet him sooner rather than later to take away any 'mystery'. I have had male friends before, with whom we spent time as a family (without XH) so its not really different, other than a few lingering looks and a bit of subtle hand-holding.