Red shoes, charming lesbians and pirates with taste...Dating Thread 24

[ChaoticismyLife]

It's the best I could come up with

As you were...

Definitely some kind of cosmic misalignment going on here as we are all

taghain.

wallison. It's so difficult. I was vaguely lucky for a bit when cunty-chops had only just moved on,.. dCs were at his alt weekends and every Wednesday, of corse that got to be too much for the poor lamb pretty damn pronto, but I liked that era. Knowingly Wednesday was my Night off, potentially date-night, or me and the telly time.. I think it's really sad-annoying sometimes when happily-coupled whine on about 'feeling like a single parent' when the OH fucks off on a work trip for three nights or those of us who are de facto single parents have vaguely reliable exes who 'man-up' and take responsibility against the wonderful drudgery of 24/7 little monsters.

Those of you who always have your DCs, you are amazing. I hope you know that.

Well have to say my ex does have the kids reasonably regularly. he may be a lying, manipulative, bullying arse but he does do at least some of the parenting. So I truly think all of you who do this on your own are amazing and strong and I admire you hugely.

I am thinking that it's so difficult to do that I might just have to knock it on the head. I mean, I really really don't want my son to wake up and see a strange man around the place. Especially not a naked man. Or a semi-clothed humping man or whatever. And realistically we would need to get to That Stage (and quite a bit after - I mean, proper proper established) before I would even dream of introducing them.

Hrrmmm. I maybe didn't think this dating thing through properly before embarking on it. What I need is an extra wing to my house, with Staff to look after the small person.

hello,can I join and ask for advice? Am a nc regular....I have just had my first experience of OD and don't think I get it.....
Put up a profile 3 weeks ago,had loads of messages and chatted a bit...had a really lovely reply last friday from a guy who I then spent all weekend messaging and txting with..we seemed to click,chatted on the phone..

a bit intense but lovely after my shit ex who was unavailable and useless ...much like my xh was before him...
anyway,we live 70 miles apart and agreed we needed to meet to early to avoid it being all in our heads.So,date in nearest City Wed am. Was fab,really hit it off,lot of snogging at the end,lots of txts all rest of evening and into night...he had plan for this weekend,but was really keen to say how he regretted this but couldn't change them.He wanted to arrange another date asap...I was high as a kite,we really seemed to hit it off,and he was so into me....
since then...really cooled...barely any texting,and only short ones,where before it was quite full on....we spoke earlier and he said he was in work mode (police,on nights)...not a long chat..no plan agreed for next contact on phone or anything and no tx at all tonight....yet,when I logged onto the site,he was online.....I tx him hi ,and a smile...no reply.....Now I feel I have been played....but why? No gain for him ,surely....
I loved the attention,but feel emotionally played with...or maybe I'm not ready for this and am needy and insecure....any thoughts?

well I'm not going to go on about being remarkably happy, but having given one last text to Little Miss Vanishing who, as it turns out, was just not that into me - or at least that's the conclusion I come to after another deafening silence.

So I've got a coffee date next week with ScienceGirl who looks really sweet, has a boy just younger than my youngest. Will keep you updated if you want a running commentary. Still very narked at the Vanisher though, with her having told me how much she was looking forward to next date yada yada, then just silence.

I should add,I have 5 dc who dont go anywhere...youngest is 2,oldest 16. With all other chats,they have ended when this has been discussed...this man,I told right away and he was full of admiration,said no problem at all...was really interested in me and full of compliments...
I work full time and have just ventured into this,cautiously. Maybe I should forget it.

You don't sound needy to me, getting - he's the one who seems to have been doing the running, and you were just thinking that therefore he's really into you - and from what you've said you had good justification for thinking that.

It's difficult to know what to do next though - if it were me, I'd probably just leave it up to him to get in touch with you - you've sent him a message, and as you've gone to the trouble of travelling etc to meet with him then he knows you're taking him seriously and want to see him. So I think that you need to leave the ball in his court now.

snapes and yoga thank you for being so kind about parenting with an absent father - I'm definitely not some sort of hero though - far from it - but it's always nice to get compliments!

Wallison I have the same problem except double (two children) who don't have contact with their father. Makes life pretty difficult. How far away does your bloke live?

Shit, posted a bit slowly as am also texting the lovely optician only to find I'm a whole page of posts too late. Oops!

snape - yeah. i should eat low gi for my pcos/ insulin resistance/ metabolic syndrome x , But i have to combine it with cal counting of 1000 a day. IF im luckly i MIGHT lose 1/2lb a week doing that.
had lots of tests and stuff, its just how i am. Its very hard to maintain such a low cal intake for long and i usually crack at about 6 months and then gain all ive lost. The doctor told me i should work on maintaining what i am, and if i managed to do that i would be achieving something.and that i need to accept its just how i am.
Its annoying.

i dont know how those that always have their dcs cope, i really dont. I salute you.

Actually, just thinking about absent fathers (sorry, bit of a digression as it doesn't involve dating), I do wonder about these guys (my ex included) who never/rarely see their kids. I mean, what goes through their heads? Do they think about them? Worry about them? Miss them? I couldn't imagine not seeing my son for months on end - his life is completely interwoven with mine. It would just be unthinkable to not have that.

Gettingit welcome to the thread :) Ok, firstly don't give up straight away. It isn't you, it's nothing you did wrong. Nothing to do with you having DC, how many DC, etc etc. It is just men (sorry to men on the thread, skip over this bit!) being shitty men.

I have MUCH experience unfortunately of what has happened to you, my last date (Stupidscaffolder) was much the same. 600 odd texts before we met, planned to meet up the next day, then he was ill, then still ill. then a week later I text him and basically told him he was a fuckmuppet timewaster, he replied and said oh, boohoo, I've been ill. bollocks, he's just a prat.

I (and you too, indeed all of us) can do better :)

OhWestern he's not actually that far away but takes a while and is too far to 'go back to his' after a date or whatever - it's not easily accessible by public transport and I've got the deadline of the babysitter.

I guess it would have to be a date that involves just going to his - again, not easy as it would involve trying to get there (and therefore out of the goddamn house after the dinner-bath-bed thing) at a reasonable time.

Still, actually, if I could do it, that would work! And at least I wouldn't be worried about him seeing the state of my house!

Thanks ,Wallison.That's my plan,but I don't think i will hear from him now and don't have the energy for engaging emotionally like that,only to have it stop so abruptly.It's so energy consuming on top of life..which would be fine if it went somewhere...How do others cope with this?

It's bloody hard when the dc are always here..my eldet helps a lot,but I really want to be able to go out and be me and have a sex life and affection/emotional engagement as someone other than mum all the time..

I guess you can only rely so much on your eldest as well, getting, otherwise it wouldn't be fair to him/her - I mean, it still isn't the same as having another adult around, not at all.

I know what you mean about not needing emotional upheaval - you're basically trying to be everything and everyone to your kids; you can't be doing with spending time with people who mess you around because, frankly, you just don't have that time to waste.

I think this is why I've been single for so long and tbh I don't feel bad about it - not really sure why I did the dating thing at all - it was kind of on a whim. The bloke is really nice though.

Wallison it must be v difficult having no real child-free time (or only with babysitter). Could you call in any favours from family members/close friends at any point if they live reasonably nearby? is your DS of the age where he might do sleepovers with his friends? We used to take it in turns with the DSs friends, they go to friends one week, their friends would come here the next.

The only time I was in that position was when DS1 was tiny, and he was so young (18 months or so) when I met the Evil Ex it was quite easy, I would really have struggled once he got older though.

I like what you said about all the men who should be messaging me being out on a Fri night, am going to tell myself that's the reason I am still without message :)

I think utterly absents do miss their kids, but I think sometimes they quantify it with 'bitch-hatred'. 'She won't let me see them' (but I need to see my mate to do a thing, she has a life and won't fit round me, no, but it's a home match... ) I think absence breeds forgetfulness and there's a convienient other to bring up your kids.

Could he come and pick you up if he has a car? Don't give up! I am winging it from one date to the next, managing with neighbours' kids and my mum babysitting. Hope my mum will do a sleepover soon but it's difficult to coordinate with him as he has three children 50% of the time. It works so far but it's not easy.

I too have great admiration for those of you who have your DC all the time. XH has them pretty often and can be flexible some of the time (so am I tbh). Have had DC seven nits in a row which is unusual and will be quite nice to hand them over tomorrow (although the packing of bags does get me a bit every time still )

OhWestern at least you are managing it - there is hope for me yet! And your situation sounds even more complicated as there are his kids involved as well! (The bloke I am seeing doesn't have kids.)

I realise this sounds like I am playing the 'yes but' game but my family don't live nearby and I don't really want them knowing about my private life anyway until I've been with someone long enough that I would feel comfortable about introducing them, and even with friends I couldn't really ask them to stay much later than a babysitter, I don't think. And DateMan doesn't have a car. Although, I could get a taxi. Fuck, I can't believe I'm even thinking of all this when he hasn't even invited me round yet, but he does seem super-keen and is always paying me compliments and has even hinted about coming round to mine on nights when I can't get a babysitter.

snapes I'm sure you're right about the absent parents. I suppose they just get used to not thinking about it when there's someone else there who will take charge and do everything. I suppose it's just as well that in most cases there is only one parent who thinks like that, otherwise social services would be even more overrun than they are already.

Ugh, NYBoy just bared his soul (and tales of infidelity ). Have told him I will process and reply properly later.

Meanwhile, just came across this and thought it was brilliant (and topical given earlier discussions about weight). I think she is brave and gorgoeous. Stella

Oh yes and all you lot who co-parent, don't forget that although us others might have the full-on responsibility etc, we don't have to deal with our exes on a regular basis. I mean, I know damn straight that I'm on my own and in a lot of ways I think it's easier to just deal with that and get on with it, rather than having to negotiate with someone, especially with a "lying, manipulative bullying arse", or with a person who might want to undermine my parenting decisions, whether they are big things like choosing a school or little things like choosing a haircut or a pair of shoes. I don't have to answer to anyone, particularly not to a person that I wouldn't want to be in partnership with anyway, and that is actually quite liberating.

Wallison - that is true. While I am grateful that XH has the DCs somewhat regularly, he is also constantly provoking an argument over something or other! He is truly, truly awful. I'm terrified of telling the kids about my new tattoo, which i"m quite proud of, because i know he will have a massive fit when he finds out. It's none of his damn business but it will not stop him having an opinion and claiming it makes me a bad parent or some such utter crap.