Red shoes, charming lesbians and pirates with taste...Dating Thread 24

[ChaoticismyLife]

It's the best I could come up with

As you were...

I thought being judged for being 'easy' was something that ceased being a problem once you are say, nineteen or twenty or so and through the bitchy teenager stage!

If anyone has had anything to say about me since then or since I left the exh at 27 I've been oblivious to it and nor do I care.

Does anyone here still ask men or get asked how many partners they have had? Because that strikes me as a very immature/teen thing too. I haven't asked or been asked since before I was married (1999 or so as a late teen)

It's just a total non problem, even a non thing as far as I'm concerned.

I've done my share of one nighters and first date shagging in my time, and thoroughly enjoyed myself too. Though in the end I decided I didn't like it all that much and it wasn't as fulfilling, and that I prefer to have a bit of build up and connection with someone before going for it. Replace the build up and the flirting that is lost with OD first date sex, compared to real life meeting say at work or whatever and taking a while to even get to the point of even having a date.

But... I do have needs and if I happened to have any urgent needs during the early, non exclusive period of dating someone then that's where a handy FWB would come in. I don't even remember if I ever actually did that, but I remeber thinking that's what I would do if I felt a massive urge but was only on date 1, 2 or 3 with someone.

All that however is my choice and any adult woman is welcome to feel different or do things differently. I'd never judge. And I don't care if I'm judged for my thing about FWB's and general inability to go without sex longer than four weeks. Everyone's different and it's impossible to have hard and fast rules, and as a few people have mentioned it does seem to make very little difference anyway

I don't even get to go for the ones I know aren't right - even unsuitable relationships elude me!

Watch I think people who move easily from one relationship to another really have no idea of what it can be like when that doesn't happen, and you're utterly on your own for ages. They don't have one-offs because they don't need to.

rask - it is nice having some friends I can discuss intimate details with! I have some very close married friends but also a number of good friends who are separated/divorced/whatever and that helps.

mercury (and lubey) - see, now I don't think I'm personally comfortable having lots of casual sexual partners but I would never judge someone else for it unless I thought they were being careless, risky, just doing it to get revenge on an ex, posting all their exploits on FB or whatever...I do get a bit judgy about people who post lots of personal stuff on FB, oh and about people who cheat - I get more than a bit judgy about that! Is that ok?

isn't it in our nature to want to be liked?
thats part of a long and complex discussion about whether there is such a thing as human nature, and if so how can it be described.
AKA 'the nature nurture debate'..it's been raging for centuries and the jury is still out.

I really dont care what people think of me, it isnt of any consequence and no one knows enough about me to have an informed opinion

people who post lots of personal stuff on FB
spilling your guts looks immature and unsophisticated to me but if thats what they want to do I dont care

people who cheat
again, I dont care...it's none of my business, just be discrete

My friends SAY they don't judge. But they have either never done one-nighters at all, or not since their early 20s. Because they haven't needed to, because a new relationship has always come along within weeks of one ending. Which means they don't really get why I'm in the position I am...or why I end up having the odd one-nighter.

I'm what many would call easy - I call it comfortable with myself and my sexuality. I have had more sexual encounters than most and I don't regret a single moment.

I have had to bring up 4 ankle biters on my own for last 13 years, they are now 22-17. I have always been open with sexual things but I haven't disclosed my 'number', they have no clue about my easiness, if they ask I won't lie though

My eldest was taken in by evangelical christians from 14-18 and she would spout about waiting for marriage and I fundamentally disagree with that stance (I'm also an athiest) So, I had to be quite blunt with her about sexuality to get through to her. As she was the first I had to deal with, the others got the same lessons. Sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of, sex is nothing to be ashamed of, if you want to - you need to think - how will I feel after, am I doing this just for me or to make boy/girl happy, am I confident enough to insist on condoms, can I speak out if I don't like something/like something. If you can answer yes, then go for it for have fun

I don't believe sex is something that needs to be special, it's a thing we do that makes us feel good and should have no bearings on whether we are good or bad

Luckily, the christians lost my eldest once she went to Uni and the last two years there, she had more fun.

All of mine are confident in their love lives so far and none of them are terribly bothered with having bf/gf which I'm quite happy with. They all seem to have a good grasp on healthy relationships and sex lives and are all very open with me and each other so so far my strategy is working

I can happily live without a live in man but I couldn't live without having sex and all that comes with it

lubey - i think adults do still think that - as evidenced by bant further up thread.
And peoples friends and things.

i dont much care what people think, but interestingly i havent told people of all my exploits...... maybe its in fear of being judged?

TBH I can't be bothered with fb, its more directed towards and popular with teens AFAIAA, I can't imagine who'd be interested in the minutae of my life anyway, I'm not interested in theirs.

Yoga yes, I get very judgy about cheaters, probably down to personal experience, all the marrieds who are OD get short shrift from me, however honest they're being online, I can't believe there isn't huge amounts of selfishness and hurt going on.

spongeare you saying the one-nighter is a bad thing in and of itself..if so why?
Or is is the problem related to wanting it to be more than a one nighter because you liked the person

applaudes mrsc - very healthy attitude ;)
im the same. id hope dd to be the same too.

rask but surely cheating is part of human nature?
It happens in all cultures and throughout human history!

Indeed, we evolved such complex brains in response to the advantages of keeping track of these complex social interactions

I've (thankfully) never seen anyone put anything TMI or boasty or just too personal on FB and I never would either. I haven't even updated my relationship status on there yet and I'm still not sure if/when I will.

Actually my 18yo neice has put a couple of quentionably personal updates on there but definitely not me or any of my friends. Thank god.

Hmm, see I'd be lying if I didn't admit there are some things i do judge others on. We all do - it's just a question of where we draw the line and what our own personal values are I guess.

For me, cheating is morally wrong, it doesn't happen by accident, it's a conscious choice someone makes knowing, in advance, their actions are going to hurt another. So however discreet, I would judge someone for cheating. I couldn't just shrug my shoulders and say, each to his own.

applause for MrsC from me too:o

mercury I am judged (though they say they dont) by people for sleeping with men I never see more than once. The judging happens all the time in RL and it's happened on here too.

If I had a choice I wouldn't have them - I would far rather be having sex in a relationship or a FWB arrangement than endless (not always satisfying) one-offs. That's my personal preference and unfortunately as I never meet men interested in me beyond one encounter not something I have the choice of. My only choice is between a one-off or no sex at all, ever. And so occasionally I chose the former.

But the fact I would like a relationship/FWB is simply my preference. I see nothing inherently wrong with one-nighters at all.

Ooh, that went fast since my last post. lubey - i have peers my own age who put overly personal stuff on FB all the time and find it very .

mercury - I think we've had this conversation before on other threads. Just because something is part of human nature doesn't make it right. Murder, rape and genocide also occurs in all cultures throughout history. Like rask says, the amount of selfishness, hurt, lying, manipulation etc that inevitably goes with cheating makes it pretty clear for me. It's also about responsibility. My experience is that most cheaters refuse to take responsibilty for their actions - they say it was "an accident". They say someone else forced them into it. They say they were trapped and had no choice. But that's all bullshit designed to make the cheater feel better. I've yet to meet or hear of a cheater who has actually said, "Yes, I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew I was lying, being selfish, hurting someone who loved me...and I am ok with that. THAT is my problem with cheating.

whereas with sex/ONS whatever - lots of people can honestly say, "yes, I knew what I was doing, it felt good, and I'm ok with it."

So as far as I'm concerned there is a huge difference.

I find what I used to get judged on if anyone knew vaguely what I'd been up to was first date sex in my house. From the internet stranger danger aspect.

But I say bollocks to that - it's no different to one nighters picking someone up in a bar, something plenty of women have done.

My exh I met on a phone dating thing before the internet took off. I invited him over to mine and we shagged within about an hour or so. This was years back obviously and my friends at the time were really shocked at what I did.... then proceeded to go out and get pissed and continue to take randoms home with them. I didn't and still don't see any difference in the danger levels

(Thanks Sponge yep, thinking of meeting for coffee on Friday. Had another nice e-mail from him this morning, saying how nice it was to chat)

This thread is pretty fast and furious today! Just a quick question. Hugs were mentioned earlier and how they were missed, and a great deal of talk about sex (of varying time scales). I love the hugs from my children, they are beautiful, innocent and pure but........it's not the same as getting a hug from a partner - those are (in the right relationship) supportive, protective, sympathetic, empathetic,binding, intimate, sexy! My question is: Which could you do without easier sex or hugs. For me, it has to be hugs. :)

i agree with yoga re cheating.

Just because something is part of human nature doesn't make it right thanks I am fully conversant with the 'you cant get an ought from an is' argument:)
I was being facetious..I had earlier questioned the existance of any kind of essential human nature

We could equally debate the deeper issue of free will, ie is there such a thing...

pie - i could do without hugs easier. im not paticullary a huggy person. unless its with my dd.

Ok, moving on then...

Lets talk about hugs instead of cheating. Love, love, love hugs from my kids. They give the most awesome hugs. I hope my 9 year old boy remembers to still hug others when he's 19 and 29 and 49.

I could probably do without hugs easier, I do hug the children a lot though it's not the same of course. But the thought of a future without hugs or sex is a pretty depressing one.

Deep...

Eie has to be hugs, not many huggy men in my environs, but my bro has cultivated a great hug (I think following some serious marriage issues of his own ).

One guy I met OD ages ago asked at the end of the evening if we could just hug for a while, so we stood in the car park outside his flat and hugged for quite a long time in the peace and quiet - he was big and the hug was fab! . Didn't see him again.