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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Who is in the wrong here?

66 replies

kimberlina · 14/10/2012 21:26

DD is 2 soon and I've organised a little party for her which is basically just a few friends and their Mums running around and having party food in the church hall.

I have also invited my parents and in-laws. My parents will definitely come as they really enjoy grandchild stuff (PFB). I would be delighted if in-laws came too but am not sure if they'll bother as it is a 1hr drive for them.

DH has never liked with my parents and had a huge blow-up at them in Jan and has never spoken or communicated with them since. I have gently tried to at least heal the rift (I accept he will never be mates with them). My parents have tried on several occasions to get DH to discuss the problem or even just come round for a meal but he point blank refuses.

Anyway DH is now refusing to come to the party if they are there. I think he should just behave like an adult for 2hrs of one day and be polite and then if he needs can go back to ignoring them.

He says I am 'excluding him from his own daughter's party'. I think that actually he is excluding himself as I'm sure they can all be in the same room and tolerate each other for 2hrs. I'm happy to not invite my parents back to our house afterwards so there is a definite end time for him.

Am I being unreasonable. Should I ask my parents not to come? I just don't see why DD should miss out on having her GPs there although it is now clear her Dad won't be there if they do come.

Please give me honest answers.....

OP posts:

duffedup · 14/10/2012 21:29

he is being a dick

robotsatemywashing · 14/10/2012 21:30

Without know what the blow-up was all about, it's difficult to comment. Your DH clearly feels like you are choosing your parents over him for whatever reason, justified or not. Not much help, sorry.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 14/10/2012 21:31

Depends why he doesnt like them I suppose.

But I think he could put your DD first for 2 hours as ofcourse she would want her dad and her GPs there.

robotsatemywashing · 14/10/2012 21:31

Oh sorry "blow-up at them" thought you said with them, he sounds unreasonable

Original poster

kimberlina · 14/10/2012 21:35

The blow up was over a really trivial thing - which plate my Mum served DD her dinner on! But really was many many things coming to a head. DH has a very different relationship with his family - they never phone to 'chat' and maybe meet up 2-3 times per year. My family are much closer. But my parents have really tried to respect DHs views and rather than phone 1-2 x per week for a chat will now only phone perhaps once a fortnight. I am really conscious to never talk about anything personal to my parents. Yet he still persists in saying that they are constantly breathing down our neck, hassling us .... I know I know this is the real issue. He wouldn't believe I had 'chosen' him unless I cut them down to 2-3 visits/chats per year

OP posts:

wannabedomesticgoddess · 14/10/2012 21:38

Sorry OP but red flags are waving at me here. Do you have friends?

spanishring · 14/10/2012 21:40

He sounds awfully controlling,immature and utterly selfish for saying he won't come to your DDs party. Poor you. Poor DPs.

TeaBrick · 14/10/2012 21:42

Sounds like he is trying to isolate you from your family. What about your friends, has he done the same thing with them?

theduchesse · 14/10/2012 21:42

He thinks you need to choose between him and your parents?? That is really not how a relationship works.

Original poster

kimberlina · 14/10/2012 21:43

Yes I have friends and work colleagues who I class as friends too but wouldn't feel able to tell them about this. Well some of the other mums who will be at the party know that DH is not speaking to my parents so will probably figure out why he's not there.

Am I being right to stick to my guns and say that both sets of GPs are invited and he is invited and welcome but it is up to him if he chooses to come. This is what I've said so far.

OP posts:

AlwaysInWonder · 14/10/2012 21:44

I think he needs to grow up tbh.
He can not tell you what sort of relationship you want with your parents! Saying he doesn't want them for sunday lunch every weekend is one thing but stopping you from talking to your own parents over the phone for me is not acceptable. I am surprised you have gone along with it tbh.

As for hassling... what does constitute hassling for him? Is it just ringing or is it asking how their DGD is? Or is it constant proposals along the lines of 'perhaps you should do x in that way rather than this way?'
As for the plae, I am assuming you were at your parents? If so he WBU. Their place, their choice of plate struggles to see what on earth could be wrong with a plate

spanishring · 14/10/2012 21:44

Yes! Don't cave in. The party is about your DD not about him. Don't even entertain the idea of entertaining his prattishness ( new word!)

Floralnomad · 14/10/2012 21:47

Normally I would side with your DH but from what you have said I think you have made the correct decision and he is being completely ridiculous. Also please don't let him alienate your family just because that's how his family works , he sounds like he needs to grow up !

Nagoo · 14/10/2012 21:48

I agree that it sounds worrying.

Do you have close friends that you can confide in and talk to? It concerns me that he wants to isolate you.

Honestly, have they ever done anything that interfered with your marriage or does he just want you to himself?

Stick to your guns. It is completely normal to invite GPs to this type of thing.

MooncupGoddess · 14/10/2012 21:49

What is your DH like in other respects, OP?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 14/10/2012 21:50

I asked if you had friends because I wondered if this was a pattern.

It really sounds like he is isolating you from your family. You shouldnt have to choose for the reasons you have stated.

Original poster

kimberlina · 14/10/2012 21:50

Thanks everyone. I know there are issues but burying my head for a bit just wanted to sort out this party in my head. I feel awful that he won't be there but just need to stand up to him now. And DD won't actually remember that he didn't come.

I think my parents have been super sensitive to him and have never ever suggested that either of us do anything wrong. But if I say this I'm just told that I'm blinkered and can't see it.

OP posts:

Ahhhtetley · 14/10/2012 21:51

Sounds like he's excluding himself

RandomMess · 14/10/2012 21:52

Blimey how would he feel if you had a best friend that rang you once a fortnight etc, would he view that as breathing down your necks?

Original poster

kimberlina · 14/10/2012 21:52

He can be lovely, funny, is great with DD. But can also be selfish, sulky if he doesn't get his own way, rude about people (behind there back e.g lovely dinner at friends house and is all yum yum whilst we're there but then that food was awful once we're in the car - when it wasn't). Has no real friends of his own. Never goes out. Never keeps in touch with people from previous stages of his life

OP posts:

Original poster

kimberlina · 14/10/2012 21:53

No I think a friend phoning would be fine because it's not my parents - or specifically my mum as she is who he hates

OP posts:

mostlyhappy · 14/10/2012 21:56

I, too think he is being an utter arse and I feel very sorry for your parents (and would feel sorry for you but you sound remarkably resilient and chipper about it!) Don't let him control how often your parents ring you - just because he's got a bad relationship with his parents doesn't mean you should too. What do they think of him?

pictish · 14/10/2012 21:57

Red flags waving for me too.

He is trying to isolate you from your parents. How mean and self centred of him.
Definitely invite your parents...and for what it's worth, I think your dh is bang out of order.

AlwaysInWonder · 14/10/2012 21:58

Now, if you stick to your guns and go ahead with what is a pretty normal organisation for a 2yo b'day party, what is going to happen? How is your DH going to react? Sulking for days, 'making you pay', reminding you again and again how you've excluded him ?
What happens when you actually do something that is going against is wishes?
Why have you/your parents thought you had to be so careful with him? Has his behaviour being so awful when you haven't that you felt you had to back down?

pictish · 14/10/2012 22:00

He is making your dd's birthday party revolve around him.
The big twat.

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