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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Who is in the wrong here?

66 replies

kimberlina · 14/10/2012 21:26

DD is 2 soon and I've organised a little party for her which is basically just a few friends and their Mums running around and having party food in the church hall.

I have also invited my parents and in-laws. My parents will definitely come as they really enjoy grandchild stuff (PFB). I would be delighted if in-laws came too but am not sure if they'll bother as it is a 1hr drive for them.

DH has never liked with my parents and had a huge blow-up at them in Jan and has never spoken or communicated with them since. I have gently tried to at least heal the rift (I accept he will never be mates with them). My parents have tried on several occasions to get DH to discuss the problem or even just come round for a meal but he point blank refuses.

Anyway DH is now refusing to come to the party if they are there. I think he should just behave like an adult for 2hrs of one day and be polite and then if he needs can go back to ignoring them.

He says I am 'excluding him from his own daughter's party'. I think that actually he is excluding himself as I'm sure they can all be in the same room and tolerate each other for 2hrs. I'm happy to not invite my parents back to our house afterwards so there is a definite end time for him.

Am I being unreasonable. Should I ask my parents not to come? I just don't see why DD should miss out on having her GPs there although it is now clear her Dad won't be there if they do come.

Please give me honest answers.....

OP posts:

DameEnidsOrange · 14/10/2012 22:56

He's being a knob, don't back down.

Tryingtothinkofnewsnazzyname · 14/10/2012 22:56

Not good that he is that way. Does he do this with other stuff too?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 14/10/2012 22:58

No emotional abuser physically stops anyone. Its the tutting and the sulking and then you just stop doing whatever is causing it because that seems easier.

It is abuse.

ImperialBlether · 14/10/2012 23:13

He's horrible! Your poor mum. I'd be distraught if my daughter was married to someone like that.

Have the party. Of course he can come and of course your mum can come. If he chooses not to, well, what a lovely dad he is, eh?

OP, I think the grass IS greener. It might be that you have to leave to realise it. I think your sense of relief would feel overwhelming.

Original poster

kimberlina · 14/10/2012 23:14

Well thanks Ladies.

I'm off to sleep on it. Will be back soon. Maybe not tomorrow.

I have thought about leaving but he said once as a throw away comment (no doubt to put me off) that he would fight me for custody every step of the way if we ever split up. And as he is a SAHD at the moment I think he would win

I also think DD is happier with me than him

Although I honestly think that he is a good dad. Just a crap husband

OP posts:

Original poster

kimberlina · 14/10/2012 23:15

I'm not sleeping on whether he wil/wont come BTW.

My parents are DEFINITELY coming that much has been decided tonight

OP posts:

LivvyPsMum · 14/10/2012 23:16

Sounds like a total dick to me. I would tell him to fuck off and you will ring and speak to who the hell you like, when you like!

ImperialBlether · 14/10/2012 23:19

Ohh I would be very careful then about mentioning divorce if he's a SAHD. Can that change?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 14/10/2012 23:20

Why does him being a SAHD change anything? Genuine question. Hes holding her to ransom. :(

Original poster

kimberlina · 14/10/2012 23:22

Yes it's a temporary thing as he's between jobs. I think he's enjoying it short term but has told me loads of times that he doesnt want to do it forever. Has only been doing it 6w or so at the moment. Reckon it wont last beyond christmas

OP posts:

SoSweetAndSoCold · 14/10/2012 23:30

No wonder your parents accommodate his 'little ways', they are probably terrified of losing you to this controlling shit.

He is an abusive bully.

Sorry OP, I hope you find the support you need in RL and take the best path you can.

Tryingtothinkofnewsnazzyname · 14/10/2012 23:34

Glad you are going to invite them. Watch his behaviour very carefully now and make sure you are thinking about the best future for you and your DD.

suburbophobe · 14/10/2012 23:35

I didn't get further than the first three posts or so.

OMG, I feel for you, this is horrendous. Your D(?)H is actually trying to sabotage your relationship with your DP and by extension between you, them and your DD.

Where does he get off being this selfish? He sounds like a child that has thrown his toys out of the pram.

Your parents sound lovely (there for your DD, willing to talk it out etc.), he sounds like a, well, words fail me really.

Is he jealous of your relationship with your parents? (sounds like he has a pretty cool relationship with his own). He needs to deal with it in a mature way, he's a father now FFS!

Do NOT cater to his tantrums please. You need your parents and so does your DD (and they the two of you).

suburbophobe · 14/10/2012 23:55

I'm happy to not invite my parents back to our house afterwards

This just makes me really sad, for all of you. (DP, you and DD).

I really want you to think how far you are willing to go in hoping to accommodate your DH, to everyone else's detriment.

I just want to say, I am a LP, (had similar issues with exH)....
I bless the many times my DS spent with my parents growing up (me working, him staying with them during half-term, etc.).

My dad died nearly two years ago, he taught my DS so much, I treasure the memories. My mum was great too (off into the vegetable garden with him, etc..).

Anyway, all I want to say is don't cut your parents out because of a controlling man..... You will regret it.

Hyperballad · 15/10/2012 05:39

I feel so sad for you reading all this. This should be such a happy lovely part of your life and instead you have to walk about on egg shells thinking about when and how you should do something so not to upset the immature, bratt that is your DP.

It sounds like he is wrapped up in jealousy and resentment. He sounds like he has very low self esteem too. He is jealous of you, your friends, your parents and probably anyone else too and he resents any relationship you have with anyone.

He would probably love nothing more than to have you locked up in a room all to himself, I bet that's how it feels too.

As everyone else has said you are definitely doing the right thing in standing your ground on this one. I also think you should continue in this vain with everything else now in your relationship. Stand up to him and not allow his sulking to affect your actions.

He will either learn that this behaviour doesn't work anymore so will stop doing it, or it will get a whole lotwirseand then you have your choices to make.

What a fool he is.

Stay strong OP. come on here so we can pass strength to you. You feel worn down, we have to reverse that and quick! X

Hyperballad · 15/10/2012 05:41

or it will get a whole lot worse.

(stupid i-phone!)

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